Jokes

When I visited Mumbai (Bombay), India, during my last vacation, I had the chance of meeting with a group of people who every morning assembled at a place and " laughed their hearts out". Looking at them, I thought they were inmates of a mental asylum having a morning out. I was totally wrong. They were the members of a "laughter club", practising "laughter yoga".

"The unique concept of Laughter Yoga and Laughter Club is the brain child of Dr. Madan Kataria, a physician from Mumbai. Any one can laugh in a group for 15-20 minutes without depending upon great sense of humor, jokes or comedy. Laughter Yoga combines simple laughter exercises (simulated laughter) and gentle yoga breathing, which turns into real laughter when practiced in a group.

'World Laughter Day' was created in 1998 by Dr Madan Kataria. The celebration of World Laughter Day is a positive manifestation for world peace and is intended to build up a global consciousness of brotherhood and friendship through laughter. Its popularity has grown exponentially with that of the Laughter Yoga movement (now counting over 5000 Laughter Clubs worldwide on all 5 continents).

The first 'World Laughter Day' gathering took place in Mumbai, India, on 11th of January 1998. 12,000 members from local and international Laughter Clubs joined together in a mega laughter session."

"Laughter is The Best Medicine", as the saying goes. We have to create situations in life when we can forget our mental tension, worries and difficulties.. The best way is to laugh for some time with or without reason.

I have compiled some jokes from my friends' e-mails and some from the internet. I hope they will relax the readers. Let us share a few lighter moments. Hope you will have time to enjoy them.

UPDATE
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I have edited some portions and added some more
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Let us start with

FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD!
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Here are some signs and notices written in English that were
discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an
'E' for Effort. I hope you enjoy them.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

***
One of the windows of my sitting room was closed.
My cousin said, "You open the window, let the air force come in".
***

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt a button fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off.
Then I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off.
I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand.
Now I'm afraid to pee....
***

Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding guns inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no guns. They swore at Billy Bob and left... The phone rings at Billy Bob's house:
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"
***

A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in Bombay (India). As was the practice in the school, he was asked to address the assembly on August 15, the Independence Day of India.

Here is his dynamite speech :
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Leddies and Gentulmens,

Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first maiden speech. If
small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly
speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the
following reason:

Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation for the train
in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I
put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk.
At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and
at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son.
Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.

You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind.
You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety
seven percent evaporation. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme court, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college.

The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day will become great flowers. Many vacancy job come in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.

I am now ending this fastly. May God blast you! Thank you and
Thank God I am finished.
***
Have you read these books?
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1. Run to the Outhouse - by Willie Makeit, Betty Wont, Andy Didnt

2. Flood in the Bathroom - by Won Lang Pee

3. Yellow River by - I.P. Freely

4. Jump off a Cliff by - Hugo First

5. Sliding down the banister by - R. Arse Tornaway

6. Beautiful Behinds - by Seamore Butts

7. Butt Fitness - by Hugh Jass

8. Love Secrets by - Amanda Hugnkiss
***

How Romantic!!!
******************
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"
***

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
***
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
***
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
***

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
***
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
***
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So... why learn?
***
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
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NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 P.M, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM

LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes, absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries
***

Anagrams are words or phrases made by transposing or rearranging letter of other words or phrases. Some of them may be liked by you
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Let us try:

"Dormitory" - Dirty Room

"Evangelist" - Evil's Agent

"Desperation" - A Rope Ends It

"The Morse Code" - Here Come Dots

"Slot Machines" - Cash Lost in 'em

"Animosity" - Is No Amity

"Mother-in-law" - Woman Hitler

"Snooze Alarms" - Alas! No More Z's

"Alec Guinness" - Genuine Class

"Semolina" - Is No Meal

"The Public Art Galleries" - Large Picture Halls, I Bet

"A Decimal Point" - I'm a Dot in Place

"The Earthquakes" - That Queer Shake

"Eleven plus two" - Twelve plus one

"Contradiction" - Accord not in it

"George Bush" - He bugs Gore

***
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"
***

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the damn store!"
***
"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
******
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids
***
There once was a man from kanass
Who's nuts were made out of brass
in stormy weather
he'd clack them together
and lightning shot out of his ass
***
There was an old lady from Wheeling,
who had a funny feeling
she laid on her back,
and tickled her crack
and pissed all over the ceiling
***
A landlord received a letter of complaint from one of the tenants:
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1.The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
***
One morning a mother was trying to wake up her son.
"Wake up now! It's time to go to school."
"I don't want to go to school," the son replied.
His mother said, "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
"Okay. One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me." the son replied.
"Not good enough," the mother replied.
"Fine," the son said. "Then you give me two good reasons why I SHOULD go to school."
"One, you're 50 years old. Two, you're the principal of the school." the mother said.
***
The doctor said, "Mr. President, I'm your doctor. I'm sorry to inform you that you have a problem in your brain. Your brain has two parts; one left and one right. The left part has nothing right in it, and the right part has nothing left in it."
***
Teacher: "Finish off this sentence: People in glass houses ..."
Sally: "..should not undress with the lights on."
***
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
***
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. "thirteen thirteen thirteen!" goes the noise from the mental hospital wards.
The man's curiosity gets the better of him, and he searches for a hole in the security fence. Its not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in.
Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues "fourteen fourteen fourteen!"
***
What do you call a barber who cuts hair in a library?
A barbarian!!
***
Two skeletons meet, and one asks the other, "Did you die before the Social Security reform, or after?"... "No, I'm still alive."
***
I went into the Shell gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas.
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
***
New York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator.

According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
***
A tall man wearing an overcoat was walking in front. The road was empty. I hurried to catch up with the man. At last, he stopped.
I asked, "Sir, is this the way to the Travellers' Inn?"
The man said, "Well, I am not sure. I died 20 years ago".
***
One day a poor old lady found a dollar and with that dollar she bought a lottery ticket. She won the lottery! She bought a house and a dog. She said to herself, "What should I name my house?" And she looked around and she saw a guy mooning her so she decided to name her house "Butt" Then she needed a name for her dog. So she looked around and saw a crack house so she named her dog "Crack".
One day about a month later she woke up and couldn't find her dog. She looked all over the house and she couldn't find it anywhere! So finally she called the cops and said, "Police please help me I've looked all over my Butt but I can't find my Crack!"
***
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
***
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
***
My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
***
And I end on that note. Did you find it so long or boring? Forgive me if you did…thanks for your patience...... cheers!!!