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These are a mixture of funny and unfunny jokes. Original and unoriginal. No racist jokes as that is wrong! Here goes, Beware Peter Kay kingbill is taking your slot!
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"
HELPING AN OVERWEIGHT BLONDE
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds. The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she had one last question to ask: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?" (If you are blonde change the word blonde to brunette!)
A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked.
"Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
BAD KIDS JOKES
Why were the early days of history called the dark ages? Because there were so many knights!
Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is? Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!
How did the Vikings send secret messages? By norse code!
Why did the king go to the dentist? To get his teeth crowned!
What is a forum? Two-um plus two-um!
Why did the teacher put the lights on? Because the class was so dim!
Where do snowmen go to dance? A snowball!
Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking Do you drink a lot? Not really - I spill most of it!
Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot. Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!
Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?
Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don't talk rubbish
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep. That's baaaaaaaaaad!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito Go away, sucker!
Thats enough of them!
During the course of a football match, the coach felt the need to remind one of his players about the importance of team play and good sportsmanship. The coach asked the player if he knew and remembered what good sportsmanship was. The player replied, "Yes." The coach then asked him if he knew he shouldn't curse at the referee or throw things in anger. The player again replied "Yes."
"Good," said the coach, "now could you please go tell your wife."
A little boy asked his grandmother what year she was born. She told him she was born in 1935. "Wow!" the boy exclaimed. "If you were a football card, you'd be worth lots of money.
THE BOYS IN BLUE
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down the Main Street. "Officer," the man began, "I can explain." "No explanation needed!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in a cell until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I have to tell you something." The man tried again. "Just keep quiet! You're going to the station and I'm not interested in what you have to say!" the officer barked. A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
CAN OLD PEOPLE USE THE WEB
My friend Cindy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves website, and we told her it could answer any question she had. Cindy's mother was very skeptical until Cindy said, "It's true, Mother. Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Cindy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"
A taxpayer received a strongly worded "final notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. "Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the final notices are more effective."
Hope you all liked them. If you do I`ve plenty more! Thanks for taking time to read them!