I thought, seeing as I am having a writing block at the moment, I would pass on a couple of the funnier (not rude) jokes I have received at work!...I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨˜"°º Listen Carefully º°"˜¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes
her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir".
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very closely.....
"Are-my-test-results-back?"
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨˜"°º Watch What You Say º°"˜¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨
A man and his wife were driving home one cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. A baby skunk was lying limp at the side of the road. As she was such a kind hearted soul, she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was. She said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
A little frustrated, the husband agrees, "OK, get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to keep warm?" the wife asks.
The husband thinks carefully for awhile and then says, "Put it in between your legs.
It's nice and warm there."
Giggling she asks, "But what about the smell?"
He replies, "Just hold his little nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with, died at the scene.
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨˜"°º The English Language º°"˜¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would reseive this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.
This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨˜"°º The First Time º°"˜¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.....
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨˜"°º Top 10 Oxymoron's º°"˜¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨
10. Act naturally
9. Found missing
8. Almost exactly
7. Alone together
6. Military Intelligence
5. Government organization
4. Peace force
3. Diet ice cream
2. Rap music
And now, the TOP oxymoron in the world!...
1. Microsoft Works
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨˜"°º Problems With E-mail º°"˜¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and, without realising his error, sent the message.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who had a heart attack and died. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to you loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is an uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨˜"°º----------- ;º°"˜¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨˜ "°º----------º°"˜¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨
Remember, practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Banning the bra was a big flop. 
