Jokes

Jokes are like marmite - and I hope that reading my top 5, I at least get a chuckle or two. I typically get sent jokes via email or text and, depending on the context, pass them on to my friends. There aren't many jokes that I am able to recite, but No3 is one that I have managed to perfect and get a positive reaction from! Good Times!

1.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
Piss on it and walk away.

Short and very much to the point. Having been sent this via email, I promptly forwarded it to my friends as it made me howl!

The next one's a little on the long side and it can either be to your liking, or not.....personally I my sides were practically splitting with laughter after I read this and I hope it has a similar effect on you :-)

2.
This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story.....
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream. The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,
'Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.'
There was a fish in the water thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches....And that fish leaps for it...That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank, but I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches... And that fish jumps for that fly.. And that bear grabs for that fish.. The dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.'

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time)
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..And that fish jumps for that fly And that bear grabs for that fish..And that hunter shoots that bear.. And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich..Then I can have mouse for lunch.'

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story....Whenever a fly goes down three inches, Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

3.
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around
2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and, after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6p.m. and upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.

Again, a slightly long one, but one that I recall as being one of the few jokes I can actually recite.

4.
An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced,
we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take
a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced,
we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take
an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have
half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours!

In terms of the state of politics at the moment, I thought it appropriate
to try and lighten the mood.

5.
BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!!!!!!

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !

You guys just never learn, do not tick off the woman.

A woman scorned and all that!lol! Thank you for reading & I hope these have put a smile upon your face!