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It's one of those days today. I am off, I have nothing to do (apart from the tonne of washing, dishes, tidying, cleaning, packing and countless other things I'm ignoring of course). I stayed up till half 3 playing Mario kart, so it's time for a break from that. Yes, I know, I'm obsessed. So I thought "bugger it, I shall write a review!"
Since I'm a rather school-girl-esq mood today, I decided it was time to unleash a review of KY jelly on the world! This is the point where anyone who can't stomach anything stronger than a strong cup of tea may want to turn round and walk away.
For those of you who are…less aware…KY jelly is a lubricant made by those nice people at Johnson and Johnson. It's used for seckshooal matters (Mostly) and can have a bit of a reputation for being used by the much older generation, possibly due to the fact it's been around since 1904.
You can find this in most big stores next to all the other personal hygiene type objects for around £2-£3 depending on where you shop. Rather fantastically, you can get this in pound land if you are cool with picking it up while the 90 year old next to you decides between Ribbed or Tingle condoms (and here was me thinking I had filed that at the bottom of the "repressed memory" file…oh god)
It usually comes in a few different sizes depending on how much you think your going to need. You may want to go for the smaller size first so there's not too much to get through / waste if you don't like it.
You can also get this off the internet if you are a bit more shy about running this past a pre pubescent till jockey. Personally, I prefer to get some incredibly random items to go along with it and see how long it takes them to look scared as hell. The last time I bought some, I also purchased some sausages, a screwdriver, a jar of Nutella and that months edition of Gay Times. Three cheers for phallic objects!
There are a few alternative uses I have found for it. I can sense that you are all incredibly worried.
The reason I actually bought this stuff for the first time was purely innocent. I had just had my lip pierced. I found that the first couple of times you change your jewellery, it can be a little uncomfortable. A friend who is covered in metal suggested using some lubricant to assist. I didn't really fancy using my bottle of Durex Heat for the job, so I splurged on a tube of this since it is approved by doctors. What? It made me feel better about it!
Second random use? It comes in really handy on getting the rubber coverings back on your little brothers handlebars. It also makes your little brother look at you with fear when you run at his bike with a tube of KY and a giant, proud grin on your face. It certainly worked though!
Put the lime in de coconut
On the slightly more bodily side of the scale (and it makes me shudder to even type it) you can also use this to insert tampons and rectal thermometers. Not that I would know anything about the former. Or the latter, come to think of it. Obviously, KY can be used on your front bum (if you have one), your back bum (you all have one of those) and is condom compatible. The pack even says you can use it every day if you so please, but even I think that's a bit of over kill.
Sounds like a wonder gel doesn't it? Well it's not. The packaging quite clearly states that it doesn't do everything. It is NOT (for example) a contraceptive. I typed that with a very sarcastic grin on my face by the way. Even better, you should NOT be using this on your eyes. If you do though, I find banging your head off the desk for an hour helps with that.
Called the doctor, woke him up
I shall now tell you about the packaging. Yes, it's important. It comes in a tube not dissimilar to a toothpaste tube. The tube comes in a box, also like toothpaste, that's white with a big blue stripe down the side. In short, the packaging is very medical. No sexy bottles, no pump action, no gorgeous colours enticing you towards it. Dull, boring, ugly.
"So what?" I hear you say. Well, in my head you are saying that. Get out of my head. This is only a slight problem as when it does come to the more fun side of public relations, the person you so choose to use it with might look at it with distaste due to it's very un-sexy packaging. I know I did when I was first introduced to it. Bit of a moment killer really.
As for the tube, that soon becomes a pain in the ass. I'm not decided yet on whether that pun was intended. I'll get back to you.
Why is it a pain? The cap is a bit difficult to open to start with. It's a cap like the ones you get on tubes of hair gel or shampoo, the ones that click shut. This has an almost indestructible clicky thing holding it shut. When you do finally get it open, closing it with a lubricated hand can cause a bit of hilarity.
Another downside is that, since you have to squeeze the tube to get the stuff out, any applications after the first one can be a bit slippery. Oh the puns are flying. I would suggest that you squeeze plenty out on your first try to prevent having to go back for more.
The jelly itself is pretty much that. It's clear and has the consistency of hair gel but probably shouldn't be used in the same way no matter how much you love "There's Something About Mary" type predicaments. It is water based, but does feel thicker than some of the other water based lubricants out there. The pack will tell you it's non-greasy and I agree. If your having a rather long…ahem…session… then it will dry into your skin rather than leave a greasy layer. Also it's a whole lot easier to get out of the sheets than some other, supposedly non-greasy lubricants.
Smell wise, there is none. At least not from the lubricant. It doesn't even have that faint medical whiff that most "non-scented" things I come across have. Bad word choice or what?
There is no fancy tingling, cooling or burning sensation when using this stuff. You can, however, buy other versions of it with some more chemicals in it to do the job. Alternatively, you can just leave it to go off by accident and then realise there is a reason for use by dates. Not that I know anyone that happened to. Mwa ha. Mwa ha ha ha!
For a water based lubricant I find this stuff lasts a fair while, you won't start any fires assuming you use enough of it. It also lasts well when used with condoms and other toys you may wish to use, though whether your favourite teddy will appreciate being smothered in the gunk, I cannot say.
As if I haven't went into way too much detail as it is, I'll keep going! A lot of lubricants (when used on your bum anyway) can leave you feeling like you desperately need to go to the toilet afterwards. This one doesn't. Yay for KY!
If you want to know how long a tube of it will last…well I can't really say. It all depends on how much and how often you like to use it. If, for example, you are a total wanker, you may use more than someone who isn't. A whore bag may require more than a prude, A priest more than a nun, etc etc.
Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes??
Before we go, I'll give you a list of ingredients that you can print off and staple to your wall or pass out to your friends.
Aqua, Glycerine, Hydroxyethylcellulose, Cluconolactone, Chlorhexidine digluconate, Methylparaben and Sodium hydroxide.
That was surprisingly hard to type that out! Feel free to take one look at it and say to yourself "What the Eff does that mean??"
Thank Dog for that!
So, overall, KY rocks. It's pretty much a No Frills lubricant (until you use it of course) but it is also comfortable to use and easy to wash/ wipe off and widely available. The only downside is that the basic stuff won't go out of its way to match your frilly handcuff and your leather whips. The KY range is finally catching up with the rest of the world though, so if you do want more than a helping, somewhat slippery hand, have a look at their other products!
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