Prepare yourself - this report is likely to be a biased account of my love for the furry freaks but I'll be brutally honest too.
Custard (yellow) Tiffin (Chocolate) Guinness (Black) and Doughnut (baby chocolate) are the influences for this report.

Firstly, I've always had labradors, they're the best quite frankly. I've got plenty of experience of a lot of breeds (I can't say 'most' because there are thousands of breeds and variations of, so...) and for the most part I feel I have the knowledge and experience to confirm my biased opinion. Please note, this is a review of the English Labrador Retriever as I've no personal experience of the American version.

**** Origins *****

Contrary to popular belief, Labs do not originate from Labrador, Canada as previously thought - fairly recently in the grand scheme of things, paintings and literature from as far back as 1622 in particular have been discovered and these note a breed called 'lesser newfoundlands'. (Newfoundlands are the very large, hairy, hardy, lovable breed that make fantastic pets too but beware dribble and blimey, when one treads on your foot...). These lessers had a smoother coat and were smaller but were fantastic retrievers and proved their worth by dragging the fishermen's nets behind them (explains their love of water - tell you more bout that later).

***** Appearance *****

The breed standards as defined by the kennel club are important to note. If you're looking to buy then there are phrases to keep an eye out for and I'll throw in some here and there when appropriate.

COAT: Labs come in 3 official colours:

Yellow (not 'golden' - that's the retrievers) - these vary from almost white to the gingery 'fox red'
Black - pretty much self-explanatory
Chocolate - ranges from milk to bitter.

It's important to consider colour - it may sound trite at first but if you're wanting:
breeding stock - chocolates sell like hotcakes (at the mo), showing stock - chocolate is not popular with the judges,
working - some working people state that chocolate's harder to work with - I guess they know best,
pet - they're all fantastic!!

HAIR: Labs are short haired but the amount they moult is superb - don't fool yourself into thinking that short hair means less hair. A good coat should be glossy, very thick (run your hand from rear to head and you shouldn't see skin) and soft. Coat colours change due to moulting which can make them appear quite patchy at times - my favourite is Doughnut's winter coat - it's virtually black and it's so soft I can't leave her alone! There are curly coated retrievers, flat-coated retreivers, labradoodles etc but they're entirely different breeds and I'm merely commenting on LABS. Also silver or blue are not official colours, they're genetic throwbacks and I personally wouldn't touch them.

BODY - you can find the official breed standards at this website (there are far too many to list!) http://www.thekennelclub.org.uk/item/109
These 'standards' make up the squatter, more solid showdog labs whereas the leaner and taller dogs are the working type - important when you're buying. In summary, a labrador should have a broad head, strong muzzle, scissor bite and prominent stop (means the nose should not slope from the top of the head - there should be a definate L shape). Thick nose and thick neck (harder to strangle - only joking!). Medium sized ears hang down (pendant) and forward (not good if they slope backwards), and eyes are hazel or chestnut and should be of "intelligent expression"!. Good thick solid body is desirable and a thick 'otter' tail for good wagging! Dogs should be between 22 and 24" and bitches between 21 and 23" tall.

Be right back, Doughnut needs a wee (more on toilet training later!)

Ok.

This breed comes under 'large' for things like food and treats but is medium for drugs and extra large for clothing! I guess due to their solid skeleton and large chest they're bigger than you think but they look so innocent and petite!

***** Temperament *****

There's a reason these are rated as one of the top three best breeds for pets (it changes frequently) and that's due to the brilliant temperament of the lab. Proof's in the fact they're used for Guide dogs, Hearing dogs, Therapy, Gun work, obedience, show rings and companion work. They are friendly, family pets that are great with children - they show patience and are forgiving when a toddler's pulling at their ears! (obviously there are the rogues that have psychologically been altered but that's the same with everything and this review is based on the majority). Other household pets are generally not at risk as they're seen as playthings not prey. They are extremely loyal and demand attention constantly if not trained properly. Guard dogs they are not - they may bark to draw attention but beware any burglar - you're more likely to be licked to death than mauled! Physically they need 2 hours a day exercise - mine get a really decent walk in the morning and two littler ones.

***** Costs *****

Now for the painful part:

FOOD - a contentious issue at the moment with the amount of obese dogs gracing our land. Labs are notorious when it comes to eating so training's important - teach your puppy not to be greedy by limiting food to designated feeding times and NEVER feed from your own plate - it's a can of worms you don't want to open. We've always trained ours to leave anything until we say 'have it' or unfortunately everything that's dropped on the floor goes down their necks - full pack of ibuprofen, very hot sausage (amusing at first but caused blisters), the list is endless. Doughnut costs me about £1 a day to feed - big bag of good food is £30 that lasts a month but Tiffin and Custard eat the cheaper stuff at £10 a bag and are unaffected by the colours and additives that are in it. It's about preference: if you want hypoallergenic or more natural bags of food then the price rises. Similarly, some add cans of meat or trays and these too add to the price. Because a lab will eat anything, I use the dried as a base meal and add gravy or chicken or vegetables or whatever really as a taster and for extra calcium, protein etc… It is important that puppies get food designed for puppies - sounds like a marketing ploy as usually it's more expensive but actually it contains more protein and carbohydrates for a growing dog.

PUPPIES

Your little bundle of joy is likely to set you back between £400 and £800 english

pounds! That's a lot when they only live on average 10 years but well worth it!! Luckily vet's bills aren't too bad (apart from when she's devoured a sock and it's got lodged) due to the fact that health is not generally an issue. The breed is well-known to suffer from hereditary disease but a good look at the family history should mean you know what you're getting (though with hip dysplasia, the results aren't a certain indication that yours will be fine). Things to check for with the breeders are hip and elbow scores, clear eye certificates and recently Optigen PRA tests (means your dog will never have it and never pass it on if this last one is clear in both parents). When you've paid over your extortionate amount, it's time to consider insurance - do it straight away and any problems that occur later on means you're covered - I currently pay £17 a month for the little brat but that's a different review!

VACCINATIONS

There's the usual annual boosters that are necessary (bout £30) plus the optional Kennel Cough (recommended) (bout £15), flea solutions, worming tablets and whatever else is deemed necessary at the time - vet bills are not cheap!

TRAINING

We go to training classes at £5 a week even though I'm a dog psychologist because it's all about socializing! Doughnut loves it! I'll do a review for training classes instead of going on about it here. Think that's it for cost!

***** Dogs vs Bitches *****

Neutering is more expensive for bitches but it's a one off cost. Similarly, Dogs can start breeding from 6 months whereas bitches are to wait til 18 months before producing a litter and earning their keep (though the average litter size is 8 so you do the math)! But you've got seasons to contend with with a bitch which can be costly if you want either injections or the pill to prevent pregnancy every 6ish months. Dogs have a tendency to be more boisterous and more effort to train but I think that if the work's put in from the start then they're equally easy. I prefer bitches because I like the whole pregnancy thing but I prefer the build of a dog - they look more…stunning! Just another point to consider.

***** Overall *****

Labradors are a joy. They are so easy to train and so forgiving when you get it wrong that they usually know what to do before you've told them. Yes, they'll eat you out of house and home if you let them, yes, they'll chew your house to pieces if you let them and yes, they'll drag you across the park if you let them, BUT properly trained, a lab is the best breed there is. They are high energy and demanding creatures so don't get one if you're after a quiet lapdog to sit in your handbag. Doughnut's currently sleeping peacefully (actually, snoring like a pig) cos she's had a busy day but if I left her alone she'd quickly get bored. They aren't the cleanest of dogs - they love puddles, rivers, mud, and that's just the outdoors - after they've eaten or drunk there's usually dribbles patches everywhere and the amount of slobber they produces is phenomenal. Some labs eat faeces (cophragia) but so do other breeds so that's not a problem in particular.

I could witter on forever but the girls need their rest! Just bear in mind: when a lab looks at you with an imploring set of deep oval brown eyes, your heart melts and the world seems like a much better place. Trust me - they're the best.

Thanks for reading - Review also on Dooyoo!