How the hell can the prospect of eight wacky characters, driving crappy
little go-carts round poxy courses cause so much hysteria? Well it
does, and it's great!

I'll dive straight in by saying if you haven't heard of Mario Kart on
the SNES or Mario Kart 64 on the N64, then go back to that stone you
somehow crawled out from under! If you have, then the differences between
the two is that Mario Kart 64 is bigger, better and an overall cooler
game. The N64 version now costs about £30, depending on where you buy it.

Mario Kart 64 is one of those games that you want to slag off because
it's so good. Well, I can't even moan about any one particular point in
this game. After first buying this game, there were several aspects
that annoyed me - the cheating CPU for example - but after playing many
times, now even that's fun.

So here's a rundown of what makes this game rock 'n' roll - the lip
smacking selection of pick-ups, the even bigger lip smacking selection of
tracks, and if you still have some lips to smack after all that, the
lip smacking characters.

PICK-UPS:

Mushroom: These do not give you a euphoric hallucinogenic experience,
but temporarily boost your speed. Most potent when cutting across
regions of the course that would customarily slow you down.

Triple Mushroom: Yep, you've guessed it! These are exactly the same as
the singular version, except you've got three of them. These are
effective on bigger off-road shortcuts.

Super Mushroom: I've nicknamed this "my traveller's friend", as this
little baby will give you unlimited mushrooms for approximately ten
seconds. Keep pressing that button before it melts into the chaos patterns
of your fingerprints - wow!

Super Star: The "Jesus Christ" will make you invincible to bananas,
shells, and the Thunder Bolt. You will also be able to drive into
opponents to make them spin out, and through vehicles on Toad's Turnpike.
Praise the Lord!

Thunder Bolt: Releasing this will shrink all the other Karts. While
tiny they are a lot slower and will be crushed if in a collision with any
other player or object - tree, boulder, shrub. Brilliant when used
against an opponent who is trying to clear a long jump.

Boo: Using this little ghost will nick the pick-up from the closest
player to you. You will be invisible from the short time after using it,
and while invisible you will be able to pass through bananas and shells
unharmed. A good item to pick up if you're leading. The cheating CPU
will always give the players behind you better power-ups in order to make
your life harder - damn! - so stealing one of these quickly before it
gets used will increase your lead even further.

Green Shell: These 'illegal imports' shoot out in a straight line. Hit
an opponent in the rear-end with this and it's crash time. It can be
shot backwards if you hold down on the controller while firing. Pretty
crap and ineffective at long distances.

Triple Green Shell: Activating this pick-up will cause three green
shells to spin around you in a 'Wonder Woman' like fashion. These will also
protect you from objects on the course, like a banana skin. They can
also be fired at opponents in front of you, but not behind.

Red Shell: These 'highly illegal imports' will home in on the nearest
opponent in front of you. Don't fire this near walls or obstacles as
these can hinder its path to destruction.

Triple Red Shell: Very similar to triple green shell, this weapon will
spin around you creating a barrier against attacking opponents. Again,
this will seek out the closest opponent in front of you when fired.

Spiny Shell: This 'ard nut crustacean will seek out the Kart in the
lead and kick its butt. It will also kick the butts of any other Kart that
gets in its way - cool! Huh, huh. If you're in first then it's tough
luck, as the only thing that stops a spiny shell is to drag another spiny
shell behind you, but if you're in first place, you won't be picking
one up anyway!

Fake Box: Use this counterfeit to trick other players into thinking
it's a normal pick-up. Plant them amongst the real item boxes to confuse
them. The only way to spot a bogus power-up is that it will have an
upside down question mark on it - tricky to spot!

Banana: Drop this to make your opponent spin out. You can also throw it
in front of you by pressing up on the controller while pressing fire.
There are two different ways you can spin off the 'mellow yellow' skins.
If you hit a skin while turning, you'll automatically spin out, but if
you hit a skin while travelling straight, your Kart will oscillate for
a few seconds allowing you to quickly press the brake to avoid spinning
out. If triumphant, you'll see a small musical note appear above your
character's head.

Banana Bunch: Instead of a single banana, you'll receive a bunch of
five. These will trail behind you, allowing you to drop one off one at a
time. You can also throw them in front of you, or swerve into an
opponent where you lose them all when you hit them.

TRACKS:

With four different cups to win, there are a huge variety of tracks.
Here is the listing.

Mushroom Cup:

Luigi Raceway: At 717m long and with only two bends, this is a very
easy track. Suitable for pinkie assed baboons and, of course, beginners.
Moo Moo Farm: Wide and bumpy, a cool track with funny little groundhogs
jumping out of the ground to hinder you.
Koopa Troopa Beach: Lots of short-cuts, ramps, crabs. Nice water
effects. Great in 4-player mode.
Kalimari Desert: Having to decide whether you stop for the train to
pass, or whether you race through to beat it is a cool idea!

Flower Cup:

Toad's Turnpike: Here you have to dodge the vehicles as well as race
your opponents. Can I squeeze through that gap? Whoops, maybe not!
Frappe Snowland: Ice and scattered snowmen make this a manic swervathon. The small bridge just before the finish line also adds to the tension at the end of a race.
Choco Mountain: Lots of turns and bumps. On the longest bend you also have to dodge falling boulders. Majestic camel humps near the finish line are also there. (did I really use the word 'majestic'!)
Mario Raceway: Seriously tight bends, plenty of grass cutting on this course. There's also red shrubs that sometimes suck you in, chew you about, and then spit you out.

Star Cup:

Wario Stadium: My favourite! Top course in both single and multi-play. A huge, bumpy, windy mud-fest, with an enormous jump just to put icing on the cake.
Sherbet Land: Icy water to fall in. Huge twisting cavern to negotiate. Hyperactive penguins running about. Hard but exciting.
Royal Raceway: An average course made spectacular by an awesome jump. The ramp preceding this jump has boosters to give your Kart extra power to clear it.
Bowser's Castle: Plenty of turns and obstacles, but these sometimes get annoying. Less fluent than other twisting tracks.

Special Cup:

DK's Jungle Parkway: Very difficult, but with jumps, bridges, caverns, boats etc., also very interesting. Only the best can negotiate the Parkway with ease. A real tester!
Yoshi Valley: This track has various available routes, but with long stretches of perilous ridges and no listing of positions, this course really cheeses me off!
Banshee Boardwalk: The long hazardous walkways inhabited with ghosts are pretty uninspiring. An okay course in multi-play.
Rainbow Road: I'm into psychedelic images, but this gets boring. Far too long. Definitely the worst course in the game.

CHARACTERS:

Princess Peach, Toad and Yoshi are the skinnies. These anorexics have a greater top speed than the other two weight categories, making them the fastest homeboys on the block. They sacrifice the most speed when cornering, but using turbos when possible will compensate for this. Acceleration is also top of their list, all of these can pull away faster than any of the others. Their tiny diet stops them from sinking into the earth when off-road, making their off-course speed the best. If you're racing for a top time in the time trials, use one of these. With no other racers to bump them about, there isn't a faster pack.

Mario and Luigi are the average eaters. The Italian brothers, I feel, are the most indifferent characters in the game. They are faster than the fatties but slower than the skinnies. They lose more speed than the skinnies when cornering but not as much as the fatties. Their acceleration is faster than the fatties but slower than skinnies. You’ll try out the two moustached plumbers, but the skinnies and fatties definitely portray more excitement.

Donkey Kong, Bowser and Wario are the fatties. The slowest out of the lot, but who cares, these are great fun! They keep their speed while cornering even without the powerslide, but their acceleration is pretty poor. While driving off-road those humble tyres can’t take the weight and the Kart slows down drastically. These are the guys you should use while playing against other players, bash ‘em until they spin out. You can also burst an opponents balloon in Battle Mode by simply driving into them. No contest – the burger belching slobs get my thumbs up!

The only thing really left for me to review is the game modes available.

In Mario Grand Prix, one of two players can play fisty cuffs against CPU opponents for the four cups mentioned earlier. Different classes of lawn mower engines are available – 50cc, 100cc, 150cc. Get gold in all the classes and you’ll be able to access a mirror mode option, which means that the track is mirrored, so this is difficult even for the pros out there, because if you know a track like the palm of your hand, then you might slip up a bit – literally!

Vs Mode lets two to four players race each other without the CPU poking its nose in. You can choose any of the sixteen tracks to race on. There is also the added distraction of bombs walking along the course – so really the CPU does poke its nose in, but only a little!

Battle Mode is played with two to four players on four new courses. Each Kart has three balloons, which signify how many lives each player has left. If a player gets whacked by an opponent, they lose a balloon. The last player with at least one balloon is the winner. Simple, but fun!

Time Trials are basically for weirdos who want to perfect their racing skills and boast to their so-called mates how fast they can complete a lap of Wario Stadium – or whatever course it may be. These fast times can be saved to a memory pack in the form of a ghost rider, so you can race against it, and bet your mates they can’t beat it.

All-in-all, this game is fantastic in every way. Everything regarding the graphics is lovely, bright and cheerful. There is slight pop-up (and I mean slight), but who really cares – I leave the nit picking to the monkey. The sound is great. There are catch phrases that don’t get boring and tunes that suit the game. Reverb in tunnels and caverns also adds realism. The gameplay is, of course, fantastic. Everything flows smoothly, handling the Karts is easy. And the lifespan, whoa, what a lifespan it has! The multi-play option gives this game an infinite lifespan.

As long as you have friends, you’ll be playing this. And if you’ve got this game, you won’t be short of friends.