Member Advice On Chatrooms

I remember the days when visiting an internet chatroom was about the geekiest thing you could possibly do, short of going to a Games Workshop in a Red Dwarf T-shirt clutching a copy of The Legend of the Lord Wizard of Zarquathor Part IX. Any right-minded person would immediately, instinctively, for the sake of their social status and future inclusion into any non-fantasy-role-playing community, loudly eschew the benefits of such a medium, preferring ...
...to be allowed entry to a dark loud room where they would shout banal platitudes into the ears of drunken strangers in the hope that when kicking-out time arrived they would have retained sufficient motor skills to steer some screeching hag into the nearest alleyway/phonebox/shop doorway.

Nowadays, of course, it's all different. Chatrooms are cool. The internet is cool. Even people without serious physical deformity or speech impediment ... more

I remember the days when visiting an internet chatroom was about the geekiest thing you could possibly do, short of going to a Games Workshop in a Red Dwarf T-shirt clutching a copy of The Legend of the Lord Wizard of Zarquathor Part IX. Any right-minded person would immediately, instinctively, for the sake of their social status and future inclusion into any non-fantasy-role-playing community, loudly eschew the benefits of such a medium, preferring instead to spend a hideous amount of money in order to be allowed entry to a dark loud room where they would shout banal platitudes into the ears of drunken strangers in the hope that when kicking-out time arrived they would have retained sufficient motor skills to steer some screeching hag into the nearest alleyway/phonebox/shop doorway.

Nowadays, of course, it's all different. Chatrooms are cool. The internet is cool. Even people without serious physical deformity or speech impediment can be found on there, cheerfully tap-tapping away to their heart's content. Even I: champion, I like to think, of all that is cool, have been tempted into an occasional chatroom foray. Admittedly, it's often when I am drunk and have failed to pull in the usual manner, but that's neither here nor there. And for those of you yet to take those first tentative steps into what, after all, is an exciting and vibrant new world, alive with possibilities, here are my thoughts on the subject.

First of all, for the novices, here's the format. Entering a chatroom involves basically visiting a webpage. Yahoo chat is the one I sometimes use, but there are millions. Generally you are asked to think up a username that nobody else has, fill in a couple of personal details (age and sex - nothing too intrusive) and then wham! - into the chatroom you go, squealing like a baby on a waterslide. Suddenly hundreds of names pop up, most of them saying incomprehensible things. A bit like this:

BAZ143: Hey, wazzup, ne body wanna chat??

Fitgirl1990: *hugs Baz* hey hunni, whatchoo up 2?

BAZ143: nuthin much jus' chillin' U?

DaisyDoll: hey ne one got cam, wanna chat?

Take it from me, almost all these people are idiots. But no matter, bear with it. On the left of the screen you will see a list of all the people who are signed on to the room. The main body of the display is taken up with the main chatroom, where such Swiftian witticisms as those detailed above take place. At any time you can type something into your little chatbox and it will appear chronologically with the rest of the chatters. Most typically this will be 'hello room!' or some such. If your are a feeble-minded, hormonally-overactive twenty-something, it will be 'hi there, fit guy from London, any ladies want to flirt?' which is a depressingly-common and cringingly-pathetic opening line.

So you get the gist. Hopefully somebody at some point will reply to your timid little opening salvo, and some kind of stilted chat will emerge. If you're feeling particularly bold, after a while you can send a private message, which only the person you're sending it to will be able to read. And thus, from such humble beginnings, a beautiful and in no way contrived relationship will begin to build.

The Advantages of Chat-rooms.

Well, it's pretty obvious, innit? There are hundreds of people just waiting there to talk to you. You don't have to leave the house, you don't have to get dressed up, you don't even have to buy anybody a drink. You can sit on your own, in your pants, swigging vodka from the bottle, and still people will quite happily chat to you. Try that in the pub and see how far it gets you. Also, if someone's boring you, you can just ignore them and pretend your computer broke. You can strike up a conversation with anyone, without fear of rejection of social ostracisation, and finish it just as smoothly and easily. I know, it all sounds marvellous doesn't it? A wonderful community where the petty barriers of social class and superficiality are broken down, and the free spirits, suddenly liberated from the chains of corporeality fly headlong into a meeting of minds, of ideas, of pure thought.. But then again…

The Disadvantages of Chat-rooms.

Well, where to begin. Firstly, as I may have mentioned, almost everybody who frequents chat-rooms is an idiot. This may sound like an outrageous generalisation, but sadly it happens to be true. If you ever want a retort to the oft-peddled opinion that such places are purely for those who have neither the wit nor the social grace to communicate in a real-life scenario, then don't go looking in chatrooms for one. By and large, the quality of the conversation will tend to corroborate that idea. Which isn't to say there aren't some delightful people on there. There are. I've met many a charming individual on-line. But unfortunately they are in the minority. Of course, you could easily say that about your average pub-crowd, so let's not get too hung up on it.

Secondly, it's quite hard work. You have to be a reasonably proficient typist to be able to hold anything like a decent conversation. I type pretty fast, and it's incredibly annoying having to wait a minute or so for every exchange. This is just my opinion, mind you, and clearly some people are more patient. Personally, after an hour or so of working through a text conversation that would have taken about five minutes in real-time, I'm yearning for a phone number and a decent chat. But then, I've seen Ciao guestbooks updated minute by minute for hours on end, with two people who seem to prefer clicking Refresh over and over and over and over again all evening than just picking up the phone and having done with it, so it must be a matter of personal preference.

Also, a note for those looking for romantic entanglements. EVERYBODY on there is looking for romantic entanglements. Or so it seems. I'm not particularly proud of this but… well, I'll tell you anyway. As part of a drunken experiment last week, I signed on under a female pseudonym (I won't tell you what - that's FAR too embarrassing. Let's just say it was, erm, a little provocative.). Anyway, the response was quite unbelievable. Suddenly the screen filled with countless private messages, the testosterone-fuelled denizens of the chatroom circling like frustrated, adolescent vultures around my weak, vulnerable alter-ego. It was all quite disturbing. My favourite exchange went something like this (note my clever adoption of female vernacular):

Random Man: Hey babe, you sound hot. Where do you live?

Me: London.

Random Man: Me too! Hey, what about a sexmeet?

Me: Lol! What's a sexmeet!!

Random Man: You've never had a sexmeet? I've got a nice place at London Bridge.

Me: Sounds tempting [I know, horribly cruel.] But I don't even know what you look like!

Random Man: I'm very handsome.

Me: Lol you wud say that!!

Random Man: No, really, I am very handsome.

Etcetera etcetera. Anyway, suffice to say the sexmeet went very well, his London Bridge place was indeed very nice and he was also a very handsome man. But just beware, ladies, that this is the kind of harassment you're liable to have to put up with.

Oh, and a final word on photos. It's hardly surprising, but everybody who puts up a photo on their chat profile obviously puts up the most flattering photo of themselves they can find. It's fair enough. Look at my Ciao photo - you think I look like that in real life? Ha - idiots. (No unkind comments of the 'That's the MOST flattering one you could find??" ilk please.) So take them with a pinch of salt.

Summary

I realise I've spent more time slagging off chatrooms than I have defending them, and it's probably created an unfair picture. They can be a really good laugh, especially post-pub when you're still on a social high and everybody else has drifted off home or to bed. But they can also be a wearisome and depressing trawl through a world where for a good two hours not a single person spells the world 'tonight' correctly. Maybe that doesn't bother you. I expect I must be getting too old.

The upshot is: as a diversion, chatrooms can be brilliant. As a serious tool for making serious friends? Hmm - I'm not so sure.

Thanks for reading.

James
 

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