I am not sure that this is totally the right category,but I am sure it is near enough. Please bear with me?
I am a step parent. I have been for 16 years. I am also a parent with four children of my own. I am writing this as my story is unusual- well, I hope it is unusual because I would hate to think of too many others going through the heartache I have. I have never met my step-daughters . There are two of them. I won't tell you their names as I suppose it wouldn't be fair, but I suppose it is possible that they, or somebody they know might use this site and point them in the direction of this op! One can hope, eh?
Let me tell you my story: 16 years ago I divorced my first husband. Lovely chap- we are still friends, we just married far too young. We had three young children of 6,5 and 2. It was an amicable
divorce and we shared custody and care and control. Their father eventually re-married and his wife has made a fantastic step-mum. She never treads on my toes and supports everything we have done for the children. So that has worked well. The kids have grown up into well balanced young adults. Two of them write on Dooyoo!
Well, that bit went ok and that was good. BUT.... I moved in with a new partner after I divorced. He had two little girls of 6 and 2. Blow it! I will tell you their names as none of this is secret and it makes telling the story a darn sight easier! Tony my partner was living by himself when I met him. He had moved to Hampshire from the Midlands three years previously. We were absolutely devoted to each other and thought that this time things would work out well.
He told me that he had never divorced but that he visited Helen and Katherine one weekend in three. I was more than happy with that arrangement.Because the girls were young and so far away it seemed better for him to go to the Midlands to visit them as they were rather too young to travel down on their own. He used to rush up and down on the motorbike for speed.
My children were part of our family and split the week up between us and their Dad. I thought that perhaps in a school holiday I would get to meet my step daughters.Tony and I both teach and that is when we can have a length of time for visiting. I hoped we could go and fetch them to stay with us.
That is when I first realised there might be a problem. Fortunately at that stage I did not realise how awful it was going to be!
I was told that they were not allowed to come to us as they were too young and their Mother thought it might confuse them. So I waited- they would surely soon enough be of an age to come. Perhaps we could both go to the Midlands and they could be introduced to me up there? No. Their mother would not allow it. I was getting upset and angry and put a degree of pressure on Tony to do something about it. e advised playing a waiting game. Waiting? Yes, I am good at that , Here we are 16 years on- they are both at university and still have never met them!
A year later our daughter Caroline was born. We thought she was great and my children thought the world of her too. Now for Tony's girls, perhaps? No! Their Mother said they were too young and it was not fair to upset them. I pleaded and begged with Tony to do something. I tried talking to her about it. All I got was abuse- "your brat is never going to be allowed contact with my girls". I was horrified. Tony was furious, but he felt out of control. He was worried sick that if he didn't play ball she would not allow him to see the girls. This was all made more difficult by the fact they live a long way away. I asked him to get a court order, but he felt it would only inflame the situation.
He felt sure that in time things would improve we just had to wait. I could not understand why this was happening. Did I have two heads? I spoke to my parents in law in desperation. They told me that the wife had never accepted the end of the marriage and she hoped Tony would go back to her. This seemed odd to me, as she could have come to Hampshire with him when he got his new job but she chose not to! She had done quite well out of it, he signed the house into her name and did not take a penny. For the first five years that I knew him he paid every single bill so that she could stay at home and look after the girls. It made us very poor indeed.
As the girls got older their Mother began a very thorough job of poisoning them against me and our daughter. I hoped we could go on family holidays. That was never allowed. Tony had to take them away on his own. It wasn't long before this put an enormous strain on our relationship. As our daughter got older she became quite worked up about not meeting her sisters. She feels it most keenly and I feel so sorry for her.
Caroline has written to her sisters but they have both ignored her. This is something my other children find utterly bizarre. You would think there might be some curiosity there, wouldn't you! Well, you don't need all the gory details. This is the pattern of what has continued up to the present day. It damaged our relationship to an almost un-retrievable level. I started to blame Tony for being too much of a coward to sort it out earlier.He has always felt helpless and guilty. He is that sort of person! Eventually the strain began to tell. He never knew what to do about Christmases and we were often the losers as he struggled with his guilt.I could take it no more. Five years ago we moved house but did not sell the old one.
Eventually it was decided that we should live in separate houses, although we do have a relationship of sorts.He did not know what to do and I needed him to do something. Caroline needed him to do something. I was very ill at about that time and nearly died. It brought things home to me. Supposing Tony were to have an accident on the bike and die young- what would happen at the funeral? Wiuld that be the first time his daughters met us? It wnt round and round inside my head. To me it all seemed terribly wrong. I hoped that if I stopped pressurising Tony he would sort it. I did and he didn't. I suppose you can't win them all.I the end the first family won because in being so stubborn and shortsighted they destroyed my family.I have always taken an interest in the girls and what they are doing even though they won't have anything to do with me.
I wish I could have met them ,if only once. They might have discovered that I am not an ogre. I am a teacher and my pupils all seem to like me. Some have stayed in touch long after they left me! My children like me- so they tell me! I am writing this as a heartfelt plea to any of you that have ex-spouses that re-marry.
Please let your children become part of the new family. You are not going to lose them. My elder children said they gained a lot from belonging to two secure families. Indeed the success of the broken marriage and my elder children was used as a study at our local paediatric unit, as they were so impressed. Your child's step parent is, more than likely, a very nice person. It is sad that your relationship did not work but being bitter and using your children to hurt the new family won't help. It won't bring your husband or wife back! It will only damage all involved, but particularly the children.
Surely it is far better to open up a bit and to share your family? It must be better and more rewarding to know that you have played an active part in bringing children up to be well balanced and secure adults than to risk screwing them up emotionally. If you are a step child give your new step parent a chance. They are probably as nervous and uncertain as you! You never know, you might like them. After all you do have something very big in common- your Mum or Dad! Don't forget they love both of you. Try not to make it hard for them. They will always love you, you are their child.The human psyche has an enormous capacity for love. We can love very many people at once. Just because your parent loves someone else does not mean they do not love you!
Thank you for reading this- I am not certain what I wanted to achieve and it is probably a load of drivel. I suppose I hoped there might be one or two people I could reach out there who could benefit from this type of insight.
Thanks for your time!
05.08.2002 21:03
My heart goes out to you, I really don't know what to say. I have been very fortunate in that my partner's ex and I get on well most of the time, I hope one days things change. Sue
01.11.2001 16:32
Sorry to hear about the pain this has all caused you and your family. I wish you well for the future, Susan.
01.11.2001 00:21
A wonderful, open and honest opinion, with lots of good advice. My husband has 4 half brothers and sisters, from his Dad's previous 2 marriages. Amazingly *everyone* gets on really well together, ex wives, new partners, children etc It's all quite a unique set up, especially at Christmas! Barbara