Member Advice on Break-ups

It doesn't matter how it happens, you can know its coming or not, it doesn't matter if you tried to do it but couldn't quite go through with it, it doesn't matter if it's a total shock - there is nothing like that moment of "I've been thinking.." followed by however its said, but essentially words meaning we need to break up.

For the first week, or day, or hour (if you are really tough!) there's nothing you can do to make ...
...world is ending. Just ride that out, a different place is just around the corner.

What I wish I had've done..
The hardest thing in the world is not contacting them. And the easiest thing in the world is making an excuse for contacting them. "But he has my book and I desperately need it" etc etc. On several occasions I did contact him, and we saw each other a few times and each time I was so confused. Why is he being ... more

It doesn't matter how it happens, you can know its coming or not, it doesn't matter if you tried to do it but couldn't quite go through with it, it doesn't matter if it's a total shock - there is nothing like that moment of "I've been thinking.." followed by however its said, but essentially words meaning we need to break up.

For the first week, or day, or hour (if you are really tough!) there's nothing you can do to make it better. Nothing. You are going to feel like the world is ending. Just ride that out, a different place is just around the corner.

What I wish I had've done..
The hardest thing in the world is not contacting them. And the easiest thing in the world is making an excuse for contacting them. "But he has my book and I desperately need it" etc etc. On several occasions I did contact him, and we saw each other a few times and each time I was so confused. Why is he being so rude? Why is he being so nice? The answer is that your ex is confused too and contact just messes everyone around. Don't contact them!! Leave it for a bit, or forever if you are very strong. Everyone will tell you this but it's really the best path to take. If you don't contact you cant be additionally confused (why did he just kiss me?) and you are less likely to be constantly checking your phone (though face it, most of us do anyway). It's like quitting smoking, that one little cave in just sets you right back. The thing is you can contact them again one day, but today just isn't that day.

And I should have:
If you live together it's too easy to fall into denial, and denial is easy enough to fall into anyway. But by not moving out then you spend time at home wondering, "where is he" though you have no right any more. Move. Move far if you can, but move. We were both extremely lazy about this and it took us a month of additional messing around with each other's emotions to finally do it. It will be horrible the first few nights but if you are lucky you will get a nicer apartment than your old one (I did) and if you share better flatmates (again I got lucky). If I had've moved out from the start I would be weeks ahead emotionally from where I am now.

Wallow
This is to be short lived, but allowable. Spend some time on your couch and if you dont feel like going out, dont. Short term this is a good idea, long term this is a bad bad idea.

Hide it.
Don't hold onto that t-shirt. That card. That photo that you like. Store it somewhere, I know from past experience it can be nice to smile at times you had and if you are ever feeling a little down "no one loves me" style of thinking, well you can take out that card and remember - I have done it once, I can do it again.

And I did and do definitely talk and talk
I have been in a weird situation this time, in that all my best friends are far away in Australia. My two best friends in London got engaged as my ex and I broke up, one on the same day. This means that their heads are definitely in a different place than mine, but as one of them said to me "we can meet somewhere in the middle". I rang my parents, I rang my best friend at home, I ring my good friend in Scotland almost daily, I email all my friends and get the support I need. I tell them my plan is to talk about it so much that I'm sick of it! I have made two new friends and revived an old friendship simply because we have broken up with someone around the same time, whether they are lasting friendships or not doesn't matter, they are helping me now, and I them.

Tell
A hard thing. You are going to go out (yes you are!) and at some stage someone is going to ask you where your ex is. And the first time is going to be hard to say it out loud. But say it, and if it's still a bit too raw just explain that, everyone understands. A simple "we aren't together any more but I'm not ready to talk about it" will earn you a sympathetic nod and a probable "if I can do anything" and if you are really lucky "let me get you a drink". Soon you will be saying "my ex" like it doesn't mean a thing. Soon you wont even be saying "my ex" because you wont even be thinking about them!

Reading
I read every site I could find about break-ups, and read all the advice I could. I read other peoples blogs about break-ups, I read articles on how to survive, I read stories on Ciao - it really does help to know that someone has been there before and made it out alive. Not all the advice will suit you but something out there will work for you, even if it's just a bit of misery loves company. Most people who have broken up are now happy with someone new, or happy with themselves and all it took them to get there was a bit of time.

Writing
I read a suggestion on the msn women site that a helpful way to get through things is write them down. You know all those crazy thoughts you have that are not fit to be shared with friends because even while you are thinking them, you know they are slightly crazy. So write them. A journal is a good thought, or as I did a blog. And then in a while when you are feeling better you can go back and have a look at just how far you have come, but for the start is simply another way to let out all your feelings.

Touch
Get a hug from a friend or go and get a massage (I had a shiatsu massage, it was amazing). Touch is so important and you are going to be missing that big time. Try not to fall into the trap of using your ex for this one, from recent experience - its just confuses you more.

Cry
Just don't (as I did) cry to the ex. Just cry on a friends shoulder, cry in your room, cry whenever you feel like it. People are always going to understand.

Date
Its always going to feel "too soon" and no one is going to replace your ex in an instant, but why sit at home and just wait for that to happen, is your ex sitting at home? Probably not. In most cases its going to take a few people and a few odd dates before someone new and worthy comes along. But you aren't going to find them on the couch and you know what, there's nothing wrong with being single for a bit and just enjoying company of dates, or using the bad date you just had as fodder for your friends amusement. I went on a date with someone I knew was incredibly not for me and it was several long hours, but that's several long hours where I did something I wouldn't normally have been doing and that's good.

Eat
Eating worked for me. The vending machine at my work couldn't keep up with my "diet" and for a time I felt better for it. This is a tricky one and should definitely be a short lived period!

Drink
There's nothing like going out getting drunk with your mates and yelling out "that bastard", just remember no drunken phone calls, something I have miraculously managed to avoid this time around (so far). Still I shouldn't feel to smug with all my sober contacting!

Flirt
Come on, there's someone around you can flirt with, even if it's the old man/lady down the road. Don't overdo it of course but a few compliments coming your way from your flirtee can never hurt!

Remember
Its not going to be the big things like an I love you from your ex that make you feel good now, so look for the moments elsewhere. A small but sweet thing was a few Ciao members left little Happy Valentines Day messages in my guestbook, hey its no grand gesture of last year (I got a weekend away as a gift - cool huh!) but its those small things that help you through the day.

The Guilt
You are going to likely feel guilty about something, you took their shirt, you ate badly, you went on a date with someone else.. Guilt is bad and whatever you need to do to get over that ex (within reason people!) do it and don't feel bad about it, you are already feeling bad - why add more bad feelings to the list.

But there's always going to be setbacks.
Somewhere along the line something is going to happen to upset you again. In my case it was the announcement yesterday that he is now starting to see a girl from his work, who actively flirted with him while we were happy, and encouraged our break-up. Now I thought I was doing OK but yesterday a few tears were shed, and rants were had, calls to friends made and emails sent. But that's OK, setbacks are just setbacks and not fall-back-into-utter-despair-backs. As with the first emotion, there's nothing to do but wait till it passes and this time it will pass quicker.

Beware
Beware the special days, be it your anniversary, Valentines day (Have a good one by the way!), Christmas etc. I managed to swoop the goldmine of Christmas, New Years (which we oddly chose to spend together), my birthday (again we spent together) and since I had a setback yesterday I'm counting today too! But next year will be better!

And that is the worst part: You can do all the things suggested to you by all your friends and all the advice columns in the world and most of it will ease things if only for a moment, but in the end its time that will be your friend.

And in the time that will pass comes the seven stages. Shock, denial, bargaining, fear, anger, despair, acceptance.

Shock: Shock is just a protective cushion to help you get over the moment. Shock was not a long stage for me.

But unfortunately Denial was. Denial is not your friend though hiding under the blankets might seem like a good idea at the time. Denial brings you to utter such statements as "I'm sure we will get back together some day", "I know you still love me".. oh these are not statements that help.

Denial is unfortunately very friendly with bargaining. Bargaining can be where you utter up a prayer and say "Ill give someone my seat on the tube if you let him come back" or some other harmless but pointless drivel. The real problem with bargaining is that you may just bargain with the ex. "Things will be fine if we just stay together until I leave the country" (what WAS I thinking), "we can live apart but still date".. Oh dear me. Beware the bargaining phase if you can bargain with your couch instead. Remember you broke up because at least one of you thought things weren't repairable.

Fear. Another big punch you on the head one for me. When this break up happened I was not so far away from my 30th birthday and I have read Bridget Jones one too many times. Sure I was going to never love again, or even have anyone interested (already this is not true). Fear makes you fret that you have all these empty weekends ahead and nothing to do. Fear passes, but you have to watch out for it, fear can visit again.

Anger made a short visit to my house, i'm just not really an angry person, or so I thought. Though there have definitely been a few "that bastard" and snickers at evil men jokes. A friend sent me for a shiatsu massage and the masseuse told me I had a lot of repressed anger, so perhaps I just don't deal with it. Anger made a visit yesterday but has gone away again.

Despair. I think I went out of order and despair made a big appearance early on. Despair had me crying on the ex as my friends were on holidays. Crying over the broken heart someone has just given you to them is not really the most dignified way to leave a relationship, and that is going to be the last memory they have of you. But despair sees no sense, despair just wants to cry and be comforted.

Acceptance. Acceptance can be a funny thing, you think you have accepted it and moved on, and then comes something that knocks it all out of you (see setbacks above). Its been 8 weeks for me and I really thought I was doing well, but according to similarly stricken friends - in the scheme of things 8 weeks is short term. People have been known to hold on for years, but we all know that's just not on.

But after all - aside from allowing time to pass, and taking steps necessary to move on in the end after passing the initial period of hurt, its up to you to help yourself. No doubt friends are starting to be weary of your cries, and surely you must be sick of thinking about your ex. This time comes differently to all of us, but it always comes. As for me, I can see the shining light just around the corner.

 

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