Those of you familiar with my work will know who I am referring to when I mention 'him indoors'. Andrew ('him who I am really trying not to hate' ) and I have been boyfriend and girlfriend for nearly four years but alas no more.
I met Andrew when he was at University in Bradford. I was living at home with my parents in Ilkley and we discovered each others existance through mutual friends.
From the moment we met the air was electric. We seemed to have connected in a way that niether of us had experienced with anyone else.Six months into the relationship we decided to live together. I moved over to Bradford and our relationship moved to another level.
I'm not saying it was easy. Andrew being a student had very little money and it was my wages that was keeping us above the breadline.
Auditions for me were kept on hold so I could work full time and keep the roof over our heads. I didn't mind. Andrew was in his last year of University and would be heading into a career which would offer him a decent income soon enough.
Andrew graduated from University and began looking for work. He took the first job that was offered to him, working for BT in Ipswich.
I was slightly disappointed as there had been no discussions on whether I wanted to be in Ipswich but Andrew convinced me that it was only an hour away from London which would make things easier for me when travelling to auditions.When we came to Ipswich, our relationship became a little strained. Living costs were much higher than Bradford and I was finding it hard to work, pay my share of rent and bills as well as find money and time to travel to auditions. For the first year I had to decide between the two. So again I put auditions on hold so I could raise funds.
At the time my parents were feeling rather miffed about the whole situation. They had put a lot of money into my chosen career path, drama colleges are not cheap and my family had to do without in order to give me the traininig I needed. Mum was convinced Andrew was going to leave me as soon as he saw the benefits of a disposable income. I of course scoffed at the idea. Andrew loved me. He was forever saying so. We couldn't live without each other and a little sacrifice is nothing compared to the feelings we had for each other.For Andrew living in Ipswich was easy. He had his job and soon was able to buy a car. He had other graduate friends to go out with and was enjoying living a lifestyle where he no longer had to worry about money.
The first sharp shock was when he was suspended for internet abuse, which I have written about in a previous opinion. Andrew was of course severly depressed and relied on me emotionally. I was there as the ever dutiful girlfriend prepared to do whatever to make him feel a little happier.
Once he returned to work things became a lot easier and we seemed to be back on track.
The next blow was when I lost my job. For six months Andrew had to support me by paying my share of the rent and bills as well as lending me money for job interviews etc.
It was hard for both of us. I felt inadequate and Andrew began to feel I was 'sponging' off him.
I managed to gain some temp work through an agency. General office work and very boring but it helped Andrew feel as though I wasnt so dependant on him.It was then that I began noticing the differences but paid no attention to them we were different people after all the end goal was the same, to love each other.
Andrew enjoyed smoking illegal substances, I had grown out of that when I was 13. Andrew enjoyed attending drum and bass nights with his work collegues, drum and bass gives me a headache and his workmates bored me to death with their endless computer talk. Also when you speak to people outside the world of showbusiness and explain how your an actor they always say 'so what you been in then?' and when I reply with my list of theatre performances they look thoroughly disappointed that I have not mingled with celebrities and turn away.So we had our differences. I liked Eastenders he thought it was stupid but still watched it. I cooked his dinner he ate it, I washed and ironed his clothes he wouldnt say thankyou, I cleaned the house and he would say I was a neat freak. Little things which we joked about but still niggled at my brain trying to hit the warning sign.
I didn't mind being the one who had to sort these domestic situations out. When living with each other for the first time you barely wash a plate and hoovering was a 'mum' word. Soon enough one of you, and it is usually the woman, decides that something has to be done to prevent living in a pigsty.
I would frequently mention it to Andrew that we should have a 'big cleanout' and was usually met with grunts.
In the end I did it to prevent myself going insane. The annoying thing is Andrew loves living in a clean house. He frequently tells me he is the envy of his workmates as none of their girlfriends make them a pack lunch or have their dinner on the table when they get in from work.So Andrew had the best of two worlds. He was able to party hard with his mates on a friday and Saturday and return to domestic harmony.
I on the other hand needed a holiday, desperately. The arrival of his family from Germany last summer was the first time I snapped.
His parents are wealthy but have no social skills. His father shouts at people if he does not get his own way and his mother cries at any given opportunity. His sister steals and stole several of my posessions in fact the only nice one was the youngest who could see exactly what I saw when she looked at her family,but she was a teeneager and entitled to hate her parents.
Andrew gave me no support through this time, telling me his father does not know how to take 'eccentric actresses'. Thats fair enough but there was no need to be rude.After their departure we had a few arguments but things gradually got better.
Last week Andrew became withdrawn. I was unsure why. Things were going well. I was working and going to auditions and there was plenty of money in the pot so I couldnt see what the matter was.
Eventually Andrew began explaining. It had started for him with the hefty Gas bill we came. I explained how in Winter it gets cold and heating needs to be switched on. Sarcasm was lost as he went to a large rant on how he wanted to party all the time, spend his wages like water and not worry that he has to budget, he doesnt want a relationship he cried, but he still loves me and doesnt want me to leave. Confused? I was.I am the sort of person who when someone cries 'I dont want a relationship but I still love you' I ignore the last bit and focus on the first.
To me the reason why Andrew wants out of the relationship are pretty shallow. He wants to party, and not worry about bills. I thought he was partying already and no matter where he is or where he lives the bills are still going to come through the letterbox.Andrew wants untill the end of April to sort his feelings out. Ive accepted this as it will give me more time to sort out where Im going to go and find suitable employment. My parents want me to go home, I want to stand on my own two feet, I think I just want to be on my own for a while and be somewhere that I want to be.
If Andrew realises he does want a relationship it will be too late, we've gone too far down that slippery slope to head back to the top.
Writing this has helped me a lot to deal with my emotions and Im thankful to be a part of the ciao community, a place where I can let go and try and make sense of the situation.Its a strange feeling. I thought I would be angry and a complete emotional wreck but Im surprisingly calm. Im slightly nervous about my new start somewhere else but excited too. Im deeply hurt by the end to something I thought was forver but at the same time relieved too.
Living with Andrew under the current circumstances is surprisingly ok. Andrew is cooking is own food and has lost the healthy glow he had due to his extensive eating of take aways. His shirts are crumpled and he has gone to work wearing the same socks he has worn for three days. I on the hand have lost five pounds and Im going to get my haircut today.We are still laughing with each other and the atmosphere is that of people who have been friends for nearly four years. We still watch Eastenders together and tell each other about our day. So somethings remain the same, the major changes are that I look at Andrew and realise the love has gone from our lives and that is always the saddest thing about any break up.
Thank you for reading and if anyone has any ideas of decent places to live where the rent isn't too high let me know!
Glen-Viola
27.10.2003 16:59
you sound just like the situation I'm going through at the moment....my boyfriend split up with me on thursday and said he still loves me, but doesnt want to be with me...I'm confused. But at least I'm not living with him. Great op
30.04.2003 21:26
When love goes, it often slams the door. I hope you're doing OK.
07.03.2003 02:05
It's so difficult when long-term relationships break up, hope things are getting better for you now. I know it's really hard when you're leading different lifestyles - and you do change quite a lot when things in your life change. Good luck with auditions now - think about yourself! If your thinking about moving, I'd recommend Leeds. A great city not too far from your home where accomodation is ok prices as there are so many students. Good luck.