I guess we’ve all got a story to tell where relationship break ups are concerned but sometimes its good to share if it helps people to realise that there IS life after the break up of a long term relationship.

Mine lasted 12 years. Not exactly a happy 12 years and I’m sure my ex partner would agree that for the latter half of it, we just coasted along, living under the same roof but having different friends, different interests and ready for any distraction, sexual or otherwise.
Looking back (we’ve been apart for seven years now), I think we were both afraid of letting go and the uncertainty of what the future would hold. I guess you could say we were both selfish. We knew we had no future together but being together was better than nothing.

We met in our early twenties and built a home together, a circle of friends, travelled extensively and came to rely on each other’s presence if not support. Our relationship had become stale after a few years and was no more than a habit. As one friend put it, “You’re like a chick who wants to leave the nest, your wings are flapping like mad but your claws are firmly embedded ‘cause you’re afraid of the big wide world”. How right he was.

My partner, whenever he felt that we were drifting apart, would dig out old photographs. “How could we ever split up .. we’ve been through so much together”. That was his usual line. Unfortunately, he always based future happiness on what we’d had in the PAST. He couldn’t accept that we WERE drifting apart so needed these reminders of what it was like in happier times and assumed that these reminders would convince us that we should stay together. “For old time’s sake” comes to mind. But, as I’m sure many of you would agree, past happiness is no guarantee of a stable future.
By the time we split, we were in our early thirties. A quote from Gimme Gimme Gimme goes something like, “In gay years, that’s ancient ..!”. I must admit, I had to agree. The prospect of being single, doing the bars/clubs and making myself attractive and available at 34, was a daunting one and took a lot of confidence. Its so much easier in your twenties.

The split was NOT pleasant. Frustration had got the better of me and a cute smile from a fellow train commuter led to phone calls, secret meetings and inevitably, my partner finding out. By now I was past the point of no return so when I arrived home from work one night to find a note from him, “I know what’s going on, I’ve decided to go away for a few days, when I return, I want you OUT ..” .. I wasn’t surprised. The following day, I hired a transit van and moved in with friends for a few weeks until I found my own place.

My new “friend” was horrified that I’d moved out, blamed himself but panicked that I felt more for him than he did for me otherwise why would I do something so drastic. He disappeared from my life soon after because he felt nothing for me. What he didn’t realise was that he’d been a catalyst. He was what I’d needed for many years .. the straw that eventually broke the camel’s back. I shed a few tears when he left but I was grateful for him coming into my life because he changed it .. completely.

My partner was shocked and disappointed that I’d taken him at his word and started phoning me in work begging me to give it another try. This is where the advice comes in …..

…. I was tempted. Of course I was. Setting up my own home was an exciting prospect so that didn’t worry me. What did bother me was the prospect of a string of meaningless, anonymous sexual encounters or the daunting task of meeting someone and getting to know them from scratch, their habits, their moods .. EVERYTHING about them. That takes a lot of time. Chris and I knew everything there possibly was to know about each other and the thought of starting all over again with someone new was a nightmare.
I declined all his offers of reconciliation because it would be a step backwards not forwards. Chris was a VERY difficult person to live with. His moods would last for weeks and he was anti social and the opposite to my happy go lucky nature. He had always made himself feel good by putting me down in front of friends. I couldn’t possibly go back to it.

It then occurred to me that I didn’t need a relationship anyway. What’s wrong with living alone and just having a wonderful circle of friends ..?
Seven years on, I am happier than I’ve ever been. I have matured and learned to like myself and my own company. My self confidence has returned, my happy go lucky outlook on life has returned, I have terrific friends and after a few years of being single, I now have a partner I love dearly and am very proud of. Life is good but I should point out that life was good BEFORE I met my current partner. I didn’t look for him or felt I needed someone, it just happened.

As for my ex .. we’re still in touch, albeit infrequently. Unfortunately, he’s not coping too well. His latest partner is years younger than him and a carbon copy of what I was (looks & personality) when we first met. He’s the latest in a long line. Chris NEEDS someone in his life and refuses to move on, desperately trying to recreate what we had all those years ago.
I still have photos of the times we shared because he WAS a big part of my life and I can’t pretend he didn’t exist. I have no regrets. It was time to move on. Chris has photos too but he told me he can’t bear to look at them for fear of tearing them up in temper or crying himself to sleep.

For those of you in an unhappy relationship .. DO something about it. If there is nothing left to salvage then please consider moving on and starting again. Not necessarily with another partner but having time on your own, getting to know yourself better, regaining your self respect and having fun once more. The new person in you will emerge, you’ll lose the bitterness you felt for your ex and someone new and exciting will be attracted to the new you. It DOES work. My life has been transformed. It will for you too. All you need is confidence and faith in yourself. I wish my ex would take this advice but he continues to wallow in self pity and pretends that what we had was perfect. It wasn’t. He knows that as well as I do.

Late last night, I was watching Trisha on TV and the subject was internet relationships. There was a woman on the show who’d been married NINE times and was now looking for prospective marriage partners on the net. If only she’d spend some time alone, maybe she’d find a bit of self worth and respect but instead she stumbles from one guy to the next ‘cause she can’t live without a partner .. ANY partner.
In my view, coping with a relationship break up is not about finding someone to replace them, its to do with finding YOURSELF .. do THAT and the next guy will come along with little effort on your part. The new you will be a far more attractive person.

Don’t pretend that things are ok and will get better. Its unlikely they ever will .. there’s a new life waiting for you .. go out and grab it .. you may look back but you’ll never regret it ….

Later note ...

A few people who read my op so far have mentioned the fact that splitting up is not so easy when there are kids involved. Yes, of course I agree with that and it has to be said that whatever the partners are going through, children are the TRUE victims.
Thankfully, there were no children involved in my break up so no worries about little hearts being broken. I'm sorry I omitted this in my original op. Its a huge consideration and I appreciate the sacrifices people sometimes make to ensure their kids don't suffer. My heart goes out to them ....