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I have decided to offer a word or two of comfort to anyone who has been through a break-up (and, lord knows, I have had my fair share) After a number of nasty break-ups I feel well qualified to give advice and the best advice would be don't get MAD... get EVEN!
A little background…my worst relationship and the one that haunts me the most was to the father of my children, an abusive drunkard, who cared nothing for his children or me. So, knowing I was about to be dumped yet again, I planned a few little treats for my now ex-husband.... Oh how I wish he could read this....
Treat No 1
My husband was very fond of fishing and had decided to go away for a few days fishing to a remote cottage in the highlands of Scotland and had asked me to pack his case, as although he had two arms, he was completely incapable of using them. I packed everything except his socks and underpants which I kept until the coast was clear. Once he was out of the house I dampened the top of all his socks and
the waistband of all his undies and sprinkled them liberally with itching powder. I then carefully dried them and packed them. On his return, and when asked did he enjoy his trip, he exclaimed he would never visit Scotland again (lucky Scotland) as he was allergic to something there and had spent 4 days red raw and scratching like a dog.
Treat No 2
Absolutely incapable of cooking anything for himself I had to cook all his meals and his favourite was my deep-dish steak pie. He used to 'wolf' this down as he loved the big meaty chunks and the rich meaty gravy. He would ask for this several times a week topped with a lovely layer of short crust pastry. He never knew that the delicious meat was Pedigree Chum.
Treat No 3
My ex was exceptionally fond of his food and liked nothing better than a big slice of home made cake and a cup of tea. I loved baking so it was no hardship to provide him with a little treat now and again. His all time favourite was chocolate iced sponge cake and he could eat a whole one of these in a sitting. I don't know if it is still available but on the market at the time was a chocolate flavoured laxative made in the shape of a bar of chocolate. A couple of these bars was just enough to ice a small sponge cake. His subsequent bouts of diarrhea were always blamed on a 'bad pint'.
Treat No 4 (My personal favourite)
My ex had only one real love in his life and that was a gleaming red Jaguar XJS. He cleaned it. He polished it. He talked to it. He even kissed it. He hardly noticed his two beautiful children even though they adored him. Everything revolved around that car. If anything was needed the children could go hungry as long as the car was all right. I had to wait what seemed a lifetime to put into place treat No 4 but eventually my patience paid off. One day while he was sleeping off an all night bender I removed his car keys and went outside. With my very dear friend keeping watch I carefully opened the bonnet and removed the nut things holding the air filter together and very carefully placed frozen prawns down between the side of the metal and the cardboard filter. I then screwed everything back together and put the keys back. Months went by and the smell was absolutely awful. You couldn't ride in the car without the windows being all the way down and as this was in the midst of an extremely cold winter it really did cramp his style with the ladies. I don't know how long it went on for because shortly after this he left.I am not suggesting that every female or male out there should wreak revenge on a poor unsuspecting male, or for that matter female, population but sometimes getting angry is just not an option and the warm feeling I got out of 'payback' was a great comfort to me. This is, of course, not the answer for everyone. However if you are just about to do the dirty on someone then please remember...
...they just may be reading this…
Remember the saying girls… "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach… Well NO!... it's not... it's through his ribcage with a pointed instrument!