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The worst memory I have is when I was curled up over the toilet, tears streaming down my face, and an overwhelming sense of shame filling me. The house was empty; it always was, so no-one would be able to see me. Yet I still kept the door locked. I was locking myself away from the world. Distancing myself from everyone else. The door protected me, kept me away from the people who wanted me to stop.
When I first started, I always felt better after, like I had purged myself of all my insecurities and worries as well as my food. I didn’t call it Bulimia; it sounded like a disease, which it wasn't to me. It was good. It made me feel better.
Then it got worse. It consumed my every thought. Every time I saw food my stomach churned and clenched, it was as if it was trying to shrink away from the food. All I could think of was when I would be able to lock myself away and purge. When I could make myself feel beautiful again.
It was never about being thinner, it was about control. It was the only thing in my life I had control over and I clutched to it desperately. My dad had left and I couldn’t stop him. My mum was always busy and I couldn’t make her notice me. My brother barely spoke to me and I couldn't make him. I was pushed and pushed at School. I was always expected to be perfect and I always felt like I could never be enough.
Soon it became too much and I realised that I wasn’t in control anymore. The bulimia was controlling me, it was ruining my life and I couldn't control it. Couldn't stop it. Couldn't save myself.
I needed help but I had no idea who to turn to. My friends would judge me, pity me, and chastise me. They wouldn’t understand. Then, before I could tell anyone, my friend confronted me. She didn’t pity me, she didn’t judge me, and she didn’t say anything. She just helped me stop. I know there were probably hundreds of things she wanted to say yell and scream at me. But she kept quiet. She understood that what I needed was support not criticism.
I was able to stop. To gain control. To beat the Bulimia. I ate small portions and concentrated on keeping them down. I kept myself busy, distracted, so that I wouldn’t be tempted to run to the bathroom. And eventually, step by step I recovered.
It takes only one slip to fall into an eating disorder, and a lifetime to recover. It's not worth it. It never will be.
If you suffer from an Eating Disorder, don’t keep quiet. You're killing yourself and you can’t stop it alone. Don’t suffer in silence. Believe in yourself. Gain control. You CAN do it.
Hope you continue to keep it all under control. Lexy
87degrees 12.06.2009 12:08
As a former sufferer of non-purging bulimia, I wish you luck in staying free of the disease in the future.
englishdavid 12.06.2009 11:45
It's very brave of you to share your experience and I'm sure it will be really helpful to anyone in a similar position. Keep strong and I wish you continued success in beating this disease in the future. x