Member Advice on Bullying

Cyber bullying, it's insidious isn't it?

The National Crime Prevention Council's definition of cyber-bullying is "when the Internet, cell phones or other devices are used to send or post text or images intended to hurt or embarrass another person."
This review is by no means exhaustive and I am sure I have missed some aspects out. It's just my thoughts and ideas around what can be a painful and exasperating topic.

Why me?

You're going along enjoying yourself and suddenly a faceless person, hidden behind a screen, has decided that it is their mission in life to make your experience miserable. There's often no rhyme or reason to it, a campaign of bullying can be set off by no more than a mild difference of opinion.

The really weird thing about cyber bullying is that it thrives on fantasies. The bully loses sight of the evidence that you are a normal human being and has all sorts of crazy ideas in his or her head about you. They have an investment in making you seem 'nasty' or 'weak' and themselves feel 'righteous' or 'top dog'!

Satisfaction from the unpleasant or threatening messages is obtained by the bully by fantasising about what your reaction will be, how you will feel about being powerless to respond. The fantasy that they 'have won', that they were 'right'.
The fact is, however you respond will give the provocateur 'evidence' that they are winning. They will twist any response to one that is pleasing for their inadequate ego. It's a well know psychological phenomena called 'projection' and the thing that keeps projections 'alive' is the fact that the projector collects up evidence to keep them going.

I belonged to a chat site, nothing to do with Dooyoo or Ciao, where a person on there decided that she would argue with everything I wrote. She had arbritarily decided that I had insulted her. I hadn't, but she declared that something I had written months previously was aimed at her. (It was about penguins, so work that one out!) As the days went by it became evident that everything I wrote was being taken personally by her. I remember writing a comment about being glad that Obama was running for presidency. I was accused of being a neo fascist and welcoming tokenism. I made a comment about having good weather where I lived and was accused of revelling in the plight of flood victims. Everything was filtered through the woman's need to be angry with me and distorted accordingly. At first I reasoned with her, then I ignored her, eventually I took action to get her banned.

It's important to keep the evidence to present to the web site moderators or hosts. Which I did! She came back with another name and started again. etc etc. You probably know the routine.
Everything I wrote was the subject of an unpleasant diatribe from this member. Her obsession was enough to fuel eight bans and subsequent changes of identity for her. All because I wrote a limerick about penguins. Weird hey? People who behave in this fashion, dominating chat boards etc are often referred to as 'Trolls'. Unfortunately the fact that I stupidly let my ego take over for a while and tried to 'win' gave this person added incentive to pursue me. I hope I'm a bit wiser now.

That's the thing about Cyber Bullying. The bully is faceless and because of this can hide behind various identities. In real life the person who needs to bully could not get away so easily with the damaging things that they say. Not many normal people will walk up to someone in the street and call them a 'liar' or a 'whore' or a 'power mad fascist'. They could be recognised or identified and sanctions could be used against them. (Or they could just get a good slapping) In extreme cases psychiatric or legal intervention can be used. In the cyber world this is rarely an option.

Kid's and bullying

Bullying in schools using texting is rife. Many schools ban the use of mobiles now to discourage this. Added to venemous texts, photo's can easily be taken, distorted or taken out of context and distributed widely to humiliate or cow the victim. Many phones are completely untraceable and so cheap as to be virtually disposable. This makes bringing the bully to book very difficult, although most reputable mobile phone service providers now have helplines and assistance protocols for those who are being bullied this way. It is always necessary to keep the texts or photos to prove that the actions are a concerted campaign rather than a one off lapse of judgement. The same is true of any threatening words or potentially damaging photos or pictures aimed at you on the web. File the evidence. Keep a cool head!
There are many sources available now for children to get help if they find themselves targetted in this way. I have included two below but there are many more.

www.stopcyberbullying.org/kids/index.htm​l

www.kidscape.org.uk/.../cyberbullying.sh​tml

A fellow Ciao member, PlipplopfromDooyoo, has informed me of an application for the iPhone from MTV. This acts as a resource for young people who may be experiencing bullying. The site invites others to comment on the behaviour and helps the bullies and the bullied to get some new perspectives on the behaviour described.
(Thanks for that Phil!)

Moderating the moderators

On well moderated internet sites, chatrooms or forums, bullying is much less of a problem. Normal conversations are the norm, people have fun and get a chance to develop supportive and friendly relationships, often lasting years and reinforced by actually meeting the folk you are chatting to.

If the site moderator doesn't understand what bullying is, or is a bully her/himself the site can become toxic very quickly, only the chosen few survive and that's because the principal bully has organised the other members to back him or her up. The only option is for normal people to leave and let them get on with it. Mercifully the site usually implodes quickly when the trolls have nothing to feed on.

Stalking

Cyber stalking is also a problem for some. This can range from obvious and harmless attention seeking, for example turning up and lurking a few times every day when you have made it clear that you don't wish to communicate with them, to the extremes of seeking out personal information to cause trouble for the victim in their real life. Cases in the press have made it very clear how unwise it is to put personal information onto the web where it is available for any nutcase or malevolent person to use for their own devices.
I experienced this on an auction site chat room. My auctions were sabotaged, the stalker invented a new persona to bid, harass, and print up my every action. Bizzare and unpleasant stuff appeared in my inbox. Eventually it just stopped. I never found out why. I never will.

The stalker or bully gets their satisfaction from a response. It is their *food*.

To use a bit of psychobabble; the bully or stalker has weak ego strength, they need to 'feed their ego' and have discovered that getting any response is more tolerable than no response. A normally modulated person will not continually need a response from outside themselves to feel okay about the way they are.
A bully or stalker's hunger for recognition is never satisfied because they haven't learned to 'eat the right food'. A cycle of abuse is established and the hunger goes unsatisfied. It's like they are settling for a total diet of crappy fast food because they have not learned how to tolerate the extra work of preparing and chewing good food. That's why the phrase "Don't feed the trolls!" continues to be true and pertinent.

The fact is, even though people say "It's only words!" and "Don't let them get to you!" knowing that someone 'out there' wishes you ill is unpleasant. It's a kind of toxicity. It is so hard sometimes to refrain from comment when you see someone twisting innocuous words or attacking yourself or a friend. Unfortunately, as soon as you respond you have given the bully what they wanted to manipulate out of you and they have, in a sense, won.

The bottom line is that Cyber bullying is emotional manipulation. If you find yourself responding in a way that you wouldn't normally, the chances are that you are being manipulated by the bully. Each 'hooked out' response we give, feeds the bully's fragile self esteem.

Just a few ideas

1. Try not to take cyber bullying personally. You are not a person to the bully, you are an 'object' that he doesn't know. (He only thinks he does.) If he did know you he couldn't maintain his bizarre stance.

2. Cut out the middle man. Don't respond to the bully. Once you are clear that you are being bullied, or someone else is, go straight to the people in charge. Let them deal with it. Make it someone else's problem.

3. Any explanation or reasoning will be twisted to use against you. Ask yourself "Why am I trying to reason with someone that in real life I wouldn't give the time of day to?" You are being caught on a hook and wound in.

4. Don't give in to the temptation to have the last word. You can't! If that's the bully's need that's their problem. You don't have to make it yours! If you refuse to respond they will be talking to thin air. Like a demented parrot.

5. Ask yourself repeatedly, "What am I getting out of prolonging this exchange?" You might be wryly amused at your own response!

6. If you can't get rid of the bully, get rid of yourself. There are literally thousands of places you can have a chat and a bit of fun without harrasment. Find somewhere else. Cut your losses, try and take your cyber friends with you.

7. Often the bully will downplay their contribution with the "I was only joking, it was just a laugh" routine. "It was just a laugh." is a classic way of not taking responsibility. Trust your own judgement of what is or isn't funny. Don't let the blame be shifted onto you.

8. Always report what is happening to the relevant 'powers that be'. It might not make an immediate difference to you but it could save a lot of future pain for someone else.

Last word? I doubt it!

I hope this has been useful and has provoked some thought about how we deal personally with bullies. I am sure you will all have your own stories to tell. Thanks for reading.

Bully = Basically Unlovely, Loves Limiting You.
Bully = Banal. Unloved. Limited. Laughable. Y bother?