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I have decided the time has come to write this, I have been putting it off for a while. Mainly because I didn't feel that I was strong enough to talk about it. Now I feel that its something I have to talk about. The main reason I have decided this is because of something that has happened.
Last night I got a phone call from my mum to tell me that my sister's best friend had Hung herself in nearby woods. I had known this girl all my life I used to hang around with her and my sister when I was younger. My sister is totally distraught over it all and deep down I am also.
It all stems from depression. She was a manic depressant, she should never have been allowed to walk the streets, and She should have been treated a long time ago. Society as a whole has failed her. She was only 28. Rachel this is for you………
My Story ========
As everyone who has read my previous review on bullying knows I didn't have a great childhood. I was bullied in school, and never had many friends. My mum and dad basically palmed me off with whomever they could just so they could live their lives, so I always felt alone. There was one person in my life that never wanted to get rid of me, who always wanted me around, who loved me unconditionally and that person was my Nanna. I spent a lot of my childhood with her, I looked after her, as she got older. I cared for her, I took her shopping, and on holiday. She was my Mum.
When I was 14 my Nanna passed away, I can remember the day it happened like the back of my hand. I remember every second everything that was said and everything that I did. I was in total shock and denial. I never got over it, my mum sent me to a bereavement councillor but it never helped me. I decided I didn't want to waste my time anymore and so I went off the rails. I started drinking, smoking and staying out all night.
I became pregnant at 15 and my parents made me have an Abortion. I say made, but it was my decision in the end, I just felt pressurised into it. After that I became depressed. I just sat and cried over nothing, whenever someone shouted at me or told me off I would burst into tears. A couple of months later I tried to kill myself. I took a load of paracetamol. I think it was a cry for help more than anything, but no one listened to me. They took me to the hospital and I had to drink this black water that was mixed with a charcoal substance. It was really awful. For a while after I was happy, I gave birth to my first son and I got married, I was really happy. But something changed.
I started to go off the rails again. Here I am this 18 year old married woman and I'm out clubbing and drinking every weekend. My husband and me separated and everything went wrong. I was alone again, but I fell pregnant and we managed to sort things out. We got back together again. When my second son came, I knew there was something wrong. I never wanted to hold him I didn't want to look at him at all for hours after he was born. I overcame this and finally picked him up and cuddled him. The love came over me and I thought everything's going to be ok now. It wasn't though. Things got worse, I felt trapped and alone, I started to become really down again and could see myself falling into that deep dark hole again.
I kept it all inside, which made things worse and as it got worse and worse so did I. In the end it happened again and I tried to commit suicide again. This time I took a full tub of paracetamol and a bottle of Vodka. My husband found me slumped on my mum's kitchen floor and phoned for an ambulance. They took me to hospital and made me drink the charcoal stuff again. My mum came and cried, she couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I didn't want to stay at the hospital so I discharged myself, against everyone's wishes.
But it worked, someone finally listened to me, my mum. She dragged me to the doctors and made them get someone to help me. The doctor arranged for me to see a mental health nurse. I went to these sessions every week for an hour, for a couple of months. We talked about my past, the bullying, my nanna, and the abortion, everything that had played a part in me being this way. It really helped, it helped to talk to someone, to finally have someone listen to me and know exactly what was wrong with me. To be told that it was natural and that I wasn't a head case was the best feeling in the world. They gave me Anti-depressants and I carried on seeing the nurse until I felt that I didn't need her anymore.
Now i'm a happy person. I do let things get on top of me more than most people, but I try not to dwell on things. I have finally accepted my Nanna's death and know that she is there watching over me, looking out for me. I do get worried that it might come back, but I have to take one day at a time. I do get down at times and sit and cry but I know now to just pick myself up again for the sake of my family if nothing else.
The signs =========
There are many signs of depression I had a lot of them, although from experience I know that it can be hidden very well. I knew another person who always seemed really happy, everyday she would be chatty and friendly and you never knew there was anything wrong. That was until she was found dead in her bath after taking a lot of pills. Depression can cause a number of signs though so look out for, · Prolonged sadness or unexplained crying spells · Significant changes in appetite and sleep patterns · Irritability, anger, worry, agitation, anxiety · Pessimism, indifference · Loss of energy, persistent lethargy · Feelings of guilt, worthlessness · Inability to concentrate, indecisiveness · Inability to take pleasure in former interests, social withdrawal · Unexplained aches and pains · Recurring thoughts of death or suicide
Nearly two-thirds of depressed people do not get proper treatment:
· The symptoms are not recognized as depression. · Depressed people are seen as weak or lazy. · Social stigma causes people to avoid needed treatment. · The symptoms are so disabling that the people affected cannot reach out for help. · Many symptoms are misdiagnosed as physical problems · Individual symptoms are treated, rather than the underlying cause.
If you know someone who has any of these symptoms, please talk to them, please get them to seek help. I know what its like but now I also know what its like to not help someone. I knew what she was going through everyone could see it. Nobody did anything about it and now its too late. There is something you can do, there is help, there is a cure………..Please don't let it be too late for your friend or relative.
Thats a very beautiful and stirring review. Took courage to face up to the demons and write this and i admire you and wish you all the very very best x
cleanfreakmama 07.10.2007 09:50
This is something very prominent in my life at this very moment so I read your review to try and understnad more. It helped alot and I am so glad you found the help you needed. Good luck with your future, my sincerest best of luck to you Lisaxx
indigo78 28.03.2007 20:40
Your experiences have really touched me. Theres alot i feel i can relate to in your story i have never tried to take my life but there was a time i thought about it . I'm glad your getting help and wish you all the best.