Advantages Its a force that drives me and makes me who I am.
Disadvantages It can get scary in the darkest hours.
I have unresolved grief or so my GP tells me, hence I have clinical depression. I tried Prozac some five years ago and kicked them in the head to return to my original battle plan, fight it all the way. I fight it the only way i know how by keeping busy, manically so at times. If I think I sink. My high IQ and low EQ balance fuels this demon. I dwell and worry and then descend.We talk among ourselves in order to maintain enligtenment in this condition but it is little understood. I am 38 and no potential suicide, thats a different urge. I am deeply melancholic, even in school my teachers observed this think lurking within me.
Sometimes I love this depth in my soul that can linger for hours over the most minute detail under observation. I scrutinise myself and thats torture. I can never attain to my own standards of perfectionism. I am equally intollerant of others but fight that instinct all the way. Some have called me difficult but I have been this way for so long I believe change is no longer an option.My mother was melancholic and her mother before her, sobbing for a hour at the kitchen sink then hastily blaming the steam for the redness and the smears. Strangely though non of us suffered post-natal depression, finding the new arrival a complete antidote to the sombre mind. Activity is the key.
I scare myself sometimes, my thoughts distressing my waking active consciousness. I have scratched away at the veneer and marred the walls but still I am restless. I cannot quantify why this thing overwhelms me one day and is gone the next but boy I know when its coming, like the brooding clouds preceding the storm - I feel it.I scarcely drink alcohol, thats an accelerant and I avoid oversleeping, if I deny my imagination the wanderings of the dreamscape I can survive. If only I could shake off the fatigue that underpins this condition then maybe I could live once more. I must remain steady lest this thing goes to extremes. I cannot shut it out when it begins but I can open another door by which to escape.
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