Member Advice on Having Children

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Member Advice on Having Children

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Review of "Member Advice on Having Children"

published 06/08/2004 | ElizaF
Member since : 14/08/2003
Reviews : 73
Members who trust : 99
About me :
Pro This is an irreverent look on POCESSING children
Cons Wrong place to look if you want advice on the squidgy side
very helpful

"Only kidding..."

Kids, children, monsters, rug-rats, midgets, call them what you will - we all have an opinion on them ranging from "Oh, shit - I'm pregnant" to (self-righteous voice time) "they are the best part of a sanctified loving relationship between a married couple"

However neither polarity comes near to what it is like to the actual reality of having something that turns from an adorable gurgler to a certified home demolition expert in the time it takes for you, the parent, to go grey-haired.

If you are lucky you can go out there like the American comedian Denis Leary and make a living from telling tales in tones of shock and bemusement of jam sandwiches stuffered in new DVD systems and then stand at the head of a “little people’s court” being told that maybe it was a "flying accident" He also sensibly compares a home full of children to drunken midgets on acid which is not the most unjust or unfair metaphor ever. "We started out with three" he claims. "Now there are about ten due to OTHER parents dropping their midgets off and driving away very quickly"

However if you are just a bog-standard parent like me or one of those couples who are trying or one of those couples who have decided on a tied tube or a snip and a sports car rather than an off-spring; we all have one thing in common. Namely we are all deadly curious as to what peoples experiences with a separate representation of their DNA trailing after them looking bored in a supermarket is like.

The parents reading this will want to know if their child is "normal" (no such thing!) The tryers will want encouragement when another month and another failed blue line on the test kit come and go with frustrating regularity and the sports car (and unscuffed house) owners will want just a little reinforcement of the belief that they did the right thing now that the chance to reverse the decision has passed.

I was sent the following as a joke mail, it should raise a few giggles, wry smiles, looks of horror and a novena or two among people reading this;

For those with no children, this is totally hysterical.

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

For those who have children at this age, this is not funny.

For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

For those who have not yet had children, this is a form of birth control!

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

"Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):"

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it with roller skates / blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.

5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on, using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a ball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain bits of Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.

15. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and very expensive to remove.

18. You probably do not want to know what that smell really is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The average response time for the fire brigade is about 20 minutes.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is a wonderful and amazing thing.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

Me again,
To all those other parents out there; Gin is your friend and they do fall asleep eventually.
To all those trying; Throw away the thermometers and all that stuff and just enjoy the sensation of a long slow Sunday afternoon session in bed. Just as you get used to them, you'll get pregnant, it's the rule.
To those with the car; JAMMY jammy bastards!

Thanks for reading

PS Ignore dumb ratings below, not really sure why they are there

Community evaluation

This review was read 446 times and was rated at
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Comments on this review

  • Rach01484 published 24/08/2005
    lol, a funny review, well written. Rach x
  • missixty published 19/05/2005
    Lololololol! x
  • L0BSTER_QUADRILLE published 30/11/2004
    Very Funny ! Philippa. X
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Product Information : Member Advice on Having Children

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Listed on Ciao since: 03/10/2001