Member Advice on Marriage

...always being the loyal COT member I would like to be. How many celebrations reviews and news I have missed? I don't know but I do know it's a lot.

I want to say to all those in my COT and to all those who once had me in their prayers and thoughts - a huge thankyou.
We really really NEED those prayers at this time...

Wherever I am I still think fondly of each of you - I think often of you... if I have ignored ...
...the remotest )intentional. just that life is easier when I concentrate on the task in hand. life has to go on to other things besides Ciao ...

As some of you know, I've been a 22 year carer to my husband a sufferer of 'Bi-polar disorder.'
As I type this he has been without sleep rest and food for 5 days. He is under heavy sedation with a terrible insiduous madness.

My life is fairly different to "the norm"- ... more

THE UPDATE : Wednesday 9th May. 7.02pm.

Hi Guys.

There is little time in my life of late to be on Ciao as often or as loyally as I would like. I would like to apologise.. for all that I have missed and will continue to miss from your lives...all the events big or little sad & happy...funny or tragic...for not always being the loyal COT member I would like to be. How many celebrations reviews and news I have missed? I don't know but I do know it's a lot.

I want to say to all those in my COT and to all those who once had me in their prayers and thoughts - a huge thankyou.
We really really NEED those prayers at this time...

Wherever I am I still think fondly of each of you - I think often of you... if I have ignored you come and go from you it's not (or ever the remotest )intentional. just that life is easier when I concentrate on the task in hand. life has to go on to other things besides Ciao ...

As some of you know, I've been a 22 year carer to my husband a sufferer of 'Bi-polar disorder.'
As I type this he has been without sleep rest and food for 5 days. He is under heavy sedation with a terrible insiduous madness.

My life is fairly different to "the norm"- my priorities- maybe different,- and ok I've got to be strong and get on with things, Life goes on-even tho there are times I still feel hurt angry and raw. Like now. All I ever wanted was to see and know joseph is safe. happy and thriving.
Sadly it was not to be.

As a carer of someone with a mental illness, this is my role but ...just a small part of my chaotic and complex life.
Joseph is in hospital as I write this- he nearly died twice over the past 3 days, not only due to his "invisible" conditon, Bi polar- but due to being unable to work and support his family....a broken heart that cannot and will not mend.

Please remember- Though I may often be absent from you - you are always in my heart.
We do not know if he will pull through this time. the pain and suffering in his fevered mind is.........unspeakable.

I have updated this because it is time I did.

INTRO
Writing this from the prison walls of grief and pain I hope if you have read this before, you may bear with it once again.
To those who know little of this insiduous condition I offer you the truth and the sacred words om my heart. i am not scared- i have passed all realms of fear.

Contained in this old and much maligned review there are things here that may save someone some day. Literally.
I'm not playing god but I do have a responsibility..
to inform
to educate
to enthuse
and to demonstrate....... that love - true unconditional pure love -is the greatest gift of man/woman. Even beyond the dark lonely prison walls of pain...down through the corridors of complex suffering there yearns to be accepted. To be loved to be listened to-

So- once more- I give you, a piece of my private heart, laying my head on the chopping block, so to speak.

I entrust you to take what I have written and if you need to use it - may god preserve you and keep you safe!
Please- use it wisely.. Use it well. Be vigilant. be forgiving. Embrace life and hope and laughter- for at the end of the day- life must go on.

I'm not sure if Jo's life hanging in the balance as it is will ever recover or be free from hospital wards....I do not know what the future holds anymore- No one does or whether even- if Joseph will live or die, but one thing is sure.......- I am living proof that coping with bi-polar is possible in a 22 year marriage.

Yes. It will be 22 years since Joseph and I have been married.
Testament that there are enough good times and happy times to counter balance the bad.

Are you ready for the journey? Then Lets belt up and go! 5...4....3....2...1...........

INTRO : PART 2. "A LIVING MARRIAGE WITH BI- POLAR."

MANIC DEPRESSION

Here he is, my Peter-Pan.
Fly high oh cloud streaked with burning sun!
Paving heaven paving hell
Whisper beauty in my ear
Then smash it down in one fell swoop.

Laughter frothed upon bitter anger
Wretched misery curse unspeakable
Blind grope in the dark we giggle and play.
Anything to forget today.

How did it come to these long years?
And still survive beyond the tears?
Have you come to scold yearn or scream

We never know beyond the dream
We never know the tide of passion
Vexed waves of energy, tireless trouble
Advanced upon your shoulders grey
Settle like a cloak of poison-
Testing tainting round the minds’ decay.

I cannot know what you bear
Nor hear your silent screams
But together, on-we faltering step
Have learnt the ways of warning, heed
And all we can do is but pray
That guidance may be ours, today.

Sleepless nights no fresh slumber!
Up one moment; down the next
Laughter merry gorgeous fun
Cry to seek sweet forgiveness
And then the whole bloody cycle-
Will start again.

And there we see your gilded cage!
Trapping reason love unclaimed
We take each day- a living blessing
We wait for miracle, one day at a time.

I did not choose to fall in love
With such a complex man of beauty
But together pain and pleasure
We live our lives through all its weather.

I apologise if this seems rather fragmented.
In pasting I realised that the whole review could not possibly fit into one so it was necessary to break it into 2 parts. I hope your'e still with me.

I decided to place Bi-Polar condition under Marriage because the illness is such a part of it. You don't have to rate it.
But all comments good and bad are welcome.

I'll try and pick up where I left off in part 1 so here we go.

."...As Joseph's behaviour worsened, and became more and more erratic the more withdrawn and frightened I would become.
I felt ashamed to tell anyone. A freak an outcast trapped in the fear and pain and stress.

I felt totally bewildered isolated. As his outbursts and mood swings became increasingly more and more demanding I began to doubt my marriage could or should survive.

Most important of all- what was I to do?

Would my unquestioning love be enough to save our marriage when it felt in tatters?

A BIT OF BACKGROUND-OUR STORY

It wasn’t all bad and there were times when he was so funny going off into one, that we couldn't help bursting into laughter- I would laugh so hard at the funny things he did or said.
(Part of my attraction to Joseph was the fact that he does have a very mischievious sense of fun,and a simple way of looking at life. And he had such a good sense of humour that in the darkest hour;he could still make me laugh more than anything or anyone else.
I always knew that Joseph was individual. A charming mix of an extraordinary and remarkably talented individual.
Our unlikely “falling in love” was (at the time looking back ) so fantastically perfect and genuine which soon blossomed into feelings of a lifelong commitment to each other and we were married in 1985 in Naples Italy and settled down to married life.
I never dreamt though, that this pre-disposition to dramatise everything would swing so dangerously or as drastically as it did, or that his behaviour was anything other than your “classic temperamental typical Neapolitan Italian.”

I was wrong.

Somehow,-over the coming months and years my kind, intelligent beloved gentle mostly easy going hardworking talented Jo, had become someone I no longer recognised.
-And worse -feared.
An easily irritated, confrontational aggressive monster -an ego- seeking child-like giggling self-absorbed philanderer, addicted to sex.
And totally unfaithful to me.
How was I to know this was a classic side effect of hyper mania Bi-Polar 1 disease?

Of course this behaviour broke my heart.

How could I stay? married to an unfaithful selfish swine.
A spoilt child? Shouting screaming, laughing with seemingly no control over his thoughts and inappropriate irrational thinking/behaviour, with certainly no thought or feelings of respect towards me.

I tried to get him to see the doctor so many times.
I felt at one point driven to madness myself and I wondered when and where it would all end.
I felt I could not confide in anyone.
(My mother died when I was 13 and my father was an elderly widowed grandfather-I couldn’t worry and burden or confide in him at all.) We were up to our eyes in debt, and bankrupt. He hadn’t been able to work for months and the bills were piling up.
I felt trapped hurt, angry confused and powerless,- for he would writhe up and scream and shout if I ever confronted any issues, beg him to see a doctor, saying it was all in my head me.
My fault..

The final straw came when he accused me of wanting to kill him.

Watching him backing into the bedroom corner, so terrified, so utterly and completely changed from the man I once knew, wrapping himself into the foetal position, and screaming and crying with that horrible sinking despair fear and dread I had grown accustomed to witnessing hollowing harrowing soulful eyes so utterly spent and wasting...broken overwhelmed by his quivering sleepless prostrate aching body.
A nod then it came-just a flicker-just a glimpse of sanity;
“Please help me Chrissie! Please help me!”
Exhausted bewildered afraid,and feeling helpless to help him, I took him in my arms where he clung for the remainder of the night.

....................................

Though by now he hardly slept or ate, I knew something had to give.
I didn’t stop loving him then, and I can’t now.

Being a girl of resilience and with faith in a divine supreme maker, my prayers increased.
It wasn’t a crutch.

Since childhood I had always prayed and had always felt a bond a real and lasting relationship with heavenly father.
Somehow I was given enough strength to keep going in the darkest of hours…for I knew one day it would come to a thankful end.

The next morning he said he wasn’t going to go to the doctors-ever-and was back to his usual jokey,ego- boosted self, behaving as if nothing had happened. I was gutted But resolute.

Praying for an opening- a change of heart a way of getting help before it was too late-
The week leading up to his hospitalisation was the worst we both suffered.
The final day was awful..depressing, and long -yet it was the first day of hope and a new start to our lives.
This is what happened.

As usual I dressed and washed the children, prayed the usual prayer that a miracle would somehow soften his heart today.
That I wouldn’t do or say the wrong things to upset him.
That I would have the strength to swallow my stupid pride and fear of a nasty confrontation . And somehow get the help I needed so that he could get better.
(Throughout the remaining undiagnosed untreated wild months and years I witnessed his terrible decline.- physically mentally socially financially, watching the man I loved more than anything or anyone, gradually descend deeper and deeper into a pit from which there would be no respite. no escape.

He lost jobs, friends, broke objects in rage, embarrassed me in public and Yet amazingly, his behaviour with the children was as always,-loving, gentle kind and exemplary.
What a weird situation!
Being with them just seemed to calm him and make him happy.

So, I began to think he wasn’t ill, he was just evil and doing all he could to break me instead.

I think it is his love for them-not mine- that eventually won the day and saved him.
I knew it would be just a matter of days before something had to give.
Every time I suggested or mentioned the word doctor he would rant and rave and the subject was dropped.
One evening after getting the children to bed and clearing away the dinner things something snapped inside me- (don’t forget this stress had been going on for weeks
And I felt sick and ill because I was so tired of it all.)

He had gone out with his one remaining friend to play snooker and I was finally left alone in peace to contemplate my life- my safety and well being, and of course-that of the children’s.
Tears poured from my eyes and I don’t know how long I prayed for.
I sat praying for a miracle to happen -for someone to help me. For gods sake-please!
I told god I could bear no more. And I meant it.
For the first time in months my calm outer shell exterior broke and I gave into tears of such anger and frustration.
Then I dried my eyes and made preparations to ring one last remaining family friend.
Amazingly I had managed to hide the real truth from her for 3 years.

( I couldn’t bring myself to trust anyone with this because the last time I tried Joseph went ballistic and chucked out a couple of friends – and they like me were cowardly. this I was afraid of - the back lash from Jo.
I had felt a frightened coward for so long
But it had to be done come what may.

As soon as I put the phone down Joseph returned. he strode in arrogantly thumbs in belt loops his jeans practically falling off him for he had lost so much weight
I was shaking my heart was beating fast. I waited for my friend to show up.
He was in an agitated mood as usual. And had “lost” £50 and began searching our flat for it.
(We now had debts of £19,000 because of his excessive spending sprees.)
When my friend knocked on the door, I said “Oh look Rita has come” Joseph refused to let me open it.
“You’re not letting her in! I know you! You’ll call the doctor!”
It was as if he could read my thoughts. Then he locked the door, virtually making me us both a prisoner.
Why did I let him bully me?

My heart sank, ached. How I pitied him. He looked terrible worse than ever-and was incoherently mumbling. she knocked on and on.
It was as if he knew this was the last time I was going to say nothing.
I stood my ground and he began to behave like a petulant angry child.

D.J began crying because of his screaming, so I went to the bedroom to settle him back down.
As I came back down the stairs, he grabbed my arm and flung me into the hall shaking with rage.
Then he struck me.
I fell backwards accidentally knocked a chair over as I went splitting my lip open where it had bashed against the table leg.
He had never actually hit me that hard before.
Though he had hurt me with his virulent words this was the final straw.
beyond words Feeling numb and shocked I picked myself up quivering like a leaf. I happened to glance up and see Rita standing in the doorway, Joseph hadn’t locked the back doors, and I froze….hearing my heart in my ears thumping away like a clock. It felt like time stood still. I was so nervous my whole body trembled. My top was damp with perspiration and the sticky ooze of blood on my teeth. I felt sick.

Rita's voice was as calm as an ordinary summer day..I can’t remember how Joseph managed to stay calm when Rita said,” I hear Matteo in the bedroom, Jo. do you want to go and read him that favourite story book he’s got while I put the kettle on?”
Thinking that he would definitely chuck her out he amazingly strode off up the stairs to the back bedroom.I ran to the toilet and was violently sick. My head was swimming.

Whilst he was gone I remember thinking how ridiculous of me to have been sat at the kitchen table looking perfectly normal and calm as I could in my nightclothes as she walked into the kitchen,. Seeing us both, Sitting quietly at the table, as if it was an ordinary breakfast time with nothing wrong.
My face must have looked serious but resolute.
I reached out for her hand unable to utter a sound at first. I didn’t realise that I was weeping.
How desperately I wanted and needed her help. So desperate to get help for Joseph, yet afraid of the outcome at the same time.
I still loved Jo with all my heart.
Despite everything, my heart belonged to him.
Doing this felt like betrayal.
I was squeezing her hand, willing her, BEGGING her to understand with my eyes.-willing her to know what I was asking.
.Just two words escaped my lips.
“Help me.”
She took in the bruises where Joseph had punched me.started to get the first aid box out. I looked away
I felt ashamed that I had left this thing for so long, and been so cowardly.
I’m glad you’ve told me at last Chris. was all she replied.
She had known all along! Assessing correctly the situation.
She rang on her mobile for her grown up son to come over, her voice was casual unassuming. We left, when Joseph returned to the kitchen, leaving them together.
He came and sat and talked with Joseph for what felt like an eternity.He was like a different person. Reasonable calm.wierd really.

Meanwhile, we sat in her car which she had locked incase joseph decided i wanted to kill him and attack me and waited and we waited starining to hear what was being said. the only person who I felt,hadn’t disowned us, was rita.
I didn’t want to agitate him any further.

Through the kitchen window Iwe could see Joseph bobbing up and down My eyes were was glued gazing at him .
Poor Joseph was pacing up and down. Crying chatting, screaming giggling obsessed with the colour red…the colour Red...the colour Red. I could hear him screaming;” Red is the colour of my guilt ! What have I done.Red…Red….

It was 11.30pm.

The rest is history.
Joseph was monitored without interference or medication, with a minder for round the clock observance so they could build up a picture, what he was like and see his behaviour and correctly diagnose his condition.
Meanwhile, I was told nothing. Worst of all I was told to keep away until they told me it was alright to visit.
I rang umpteen times fretting like a demented rabbit caught in the headlights at night. I worried as wife’s do when their husbands are ill.

Apparently, for the next week he was extremely ill and psychotic. He hadn’t slept properly for a year and somehow had kept going on roughly 2 hours sleep at any 3 day period.
Eventually, he was given strong sleeping tablets and Hyperperidol an anti-psychotic for BI-Polar Manic Depression to calm down his anxiety and tranquilise him enough so that he could at last go to sleep.
When this didn’t work they prepared a stronger dose via a needle.
It took 3 doctors and two nurses, to hold him down and be still enough to safely administer it.
It didn’t work more pills.

Joseph remembers nothing of much I have covered. To him,everybit is just a surreal and vague dream. He certainly has no recollection of that night, or the week leading up to it.
Apparently he didn’t know where or who he was.
He couldn’t remember his name the children, or anything.
Apparently the nurse assigned to his care told me that he thought he was in heaven and was screaming and shouting He was convinced they were trying to poison him.
Eventually after waiting an hour or so for the stuff to work he begged them to help him sleep.
So, semi conked out, another dose was administered.
Joseph was clearly high as a kite. Jittery confused weak and anxious still waiting for the medication to take full effect.It finally did and he slept for 3 days waking only on the second night to eat or go to the toilet.

Whilst he was now out of the house and in a safe place where they could help him, I was left feeling just as lost, and berefit.
A part of me had died with him.
I remember going over the advents of the last night before his hospitalisation on a psychiatric ward the night before. (I know this sounds silly, but I really missed him.)

It had taken the doctor and Rita’s son 3 hours to persuade Joseph to get in the ambulance. It was the longest 3 hours of my life.
He had ripped his clothes as if he couldn’t bear to wear them anymore.
As if subconsciously feeling that by ripping them off, he’d somehow be free and escape. Jo always wanted the easy way out of everything and to escape. For this is what Bi-polar can do to a man-drive him round the bend because there is no escape-no respite. No peace at all.
A mug he’d thrown at the wall 3 days previously, and bounced back in his face had left a cut with heavy bruising above his eye. Sandals in this winter weather looked odd on his bare feet.
He never felt the cold-still doesn’t.
He looked like a little lost boy, with lost despair on his face.
Before he had been able to leave, the doctor mentioned; the word Hyper manic which I had never heard of before.
(Joseph thought that the doctor was an angel, and had actually knelt in front of him, hands clasped, listening intently to what he had to say. The doctor being wise played along with it.
That’s how they persuaded him to get in the ambulance. Joseph was convinced of a conspiracy that someone wanted to kill him.Namely,me!

That night much later, after I’d swept up the last of the dishes that were broken, picked up the books that he had hurled across the room, washed his clothes and fed the baby his last milk when everyone had gone, I climbed bone weary, into bed and wept myself to sleep for the last time.
I knew tomorrow would bring resolve and needed strength. I hadn’t slept properly myself for days so concerned was I with the situation and feeling so alone and cut off
Now I knew that at last- Joseph would receive proper medical attention and the help he so desperately needed..
That night I actually had the first good night’s sleep I had had in 9 months.
I knew that whatever we had to face from now on, would be ok.
We’d get through this just as we had before, only this time with help and common sense.. Our youngest son was still just a baby of 7 months when Joseph was admitted to the psychiatric ward as an inpatient. This was the beginning of a long slow road back to reality and recovery.

………………………………………

Today, I can hardly believe the transformation…there isn’t a total cure- he can only be stabilised but at least we have most of the real Jo back.. there are no guarantees, but we are still together, which must account for something after nearly 19 years!… he is fairly well stable, still restless and bored but back working part time at last, having successfully obtained his NVQ’3 in plastering and building.
In my opinion he has been braver than me .
He lives a stunningly fruitful life. Happier than he’s been for years despite a sense of intolerable boredom which can last for a couple of days or so and needing to return to his homeland more often because of homesickness, which he never expressed and was a contributing factor to his breakdown, bless him.
Joseph is coping very well.. Nothing is plain sailing and he still gets the odd set back.
He paid a high price of pride. So did I.

But what really saved Joseph?

1) Well, firstly, medical intervention. That’s obvious.
And a good doctor and a monitoring psychiatrist. I fought tooth and nail to get the best care package I could for it.

2) But all of this would have been in vain, had he not had our love.
What has turned his life around was having a family behind him that loved him.
Love is a very powerful thing. I am so painfully aware that many many other men in his position do not have a family’s support-they can’t.

Remember that.
Now imagine you feel suicidal; you have isolated and estranged every living friend and relative you have with your outbursts and impulsive inhibitions-you are alone, there is no one and nothing telling you to take your medication, or say at the end of the day;” I accept you for who you are. I love you” your children don’t want to know you anymore because your wife understandably wants NOTHING more to do with you- imagine then,- what reason would you have? What meaningful purpose?
As I said:

LOVE IS A POWERFUL THING:

I suppose Love like Joseph has for his children is what saved him from a certain death.
Because they were very small then, (and I thank god they don’t remember much), I decided long ago, that divorce was NOT in the equation, because he absolutely adores them. And they, him. Rightly or wrongly, I was not prepared to tear them away nor him from them. If you could see the loving vigilant loyal way that he is with them you would be able to see and understand exactly what I mean. Suffice for me to know for us the right thing and the only thing is to stay together.
But- How had he and I suffered so silently for nearly 5 long years before his massive breakdown ground him to an eventual halt,- I will never know..

LOVE IS A POWERFUL THING!

There are still moments of shadows and disappointing episodes, but no where near the range or severity. We do not know whether he’ll ever recover fully or not. We don’t think along those paths anymore and just make the most of each day. and try to take each day at a time.
I also consider us to be very fortunate as all the people in his position have gone through divorces or estrangements- especially from their children.
He cannot work full time. Not unless he lies about his illness, taking the risk of being discovered (and probably sacked) everyday. It has become far easier now the children are growing up and I’ve been able to work part time to supplement a meagre living.

So, Joseph is in limbo. And yet he has come so far.
I am very proud of his efforts to work and to try and support us financially as much as possible. I work when I can part time. Knowing that a no mans land is Jo’s lot for now. Disabled but not physically so- that grey, not black and white land where people can easily identify and empathise.
His illness doesn’t show on the outside; and sometimes that is the hardest test of all.

As a carer, I wanted to share some of my experiences and to be as honest as I can.
Some readers may have fond this shocking, but my aim isn’t to shock, just to educate and de-mystify in a few lay-mans terms, what is statistically- an ever increasing growing problem; and why Manic depression is often a very difficult condition to understand diagnose, and treat in the first place.
I’m hoping it may perhaps help someone out there to keep hope and a perspective of the bigger picture. I don’t know why god has allowed all of this to happen, except to learn that the human spirit is eternal and always survives, no matter what.
I would greatly like to reach other carers who I know, often suffer in silence, as I did for so long feeling there is no one to turn to for support. You are welcome to contact me via my GB.

You are not alone.

To de-isolate, one must communicate in all candid honesty, then ask for due understanding, respect and support. Demand the help needed.
Mental illness, even in this day and age, is still an unacceptable stigmatic embarrassment for so many people, but its not YOUR problem. It’s Theirs!

Fear, ignorance indifference are just some of the humanly understandable views/emotions (if any at all) for the mentally ill.
Many sufferers are able to conduct seemingly normal lives undetected, yet behind closed doors, it can affect every one in the family.

The very pretence of appearing “normal” is an added pressure in its self.
Think about that and the impact it has on our beautiful bright inspirational and brave children, also on Joseph, and finally me and you can just about understand what living with this illness can do.
Only an experienced carer/closest relative can possibly know and experience the dehabilitating excruciating problems this condition raises.
My story is not unique.
1 in 10 people now suffer from some kind of depressive illness.
1 in 9 is classified Manic- depressed, or the modern name: Bi-polar manic depression.
Like all depressions suitable explanation of sorts as to why I am so often absent from the site, will hopefully now be clarified and understood.
I hope this can replace fear with enlightment. Hope out of hopelessness.
Ignorance into knowledge and fulfil my aim to educate and hopefully be of some help and encouragement for someone.
I have had to consider what to include and what to leave out, and it is only thanks to Joseph allowing me the privilege of writing this that its here at all.

Before I close I would like to remind us that I am speaking merely from the side of the carer, with more than 12 years of caring experience. I’ve had to grow up independently to preserve myself. And this is the price I have to pay for continuing loving and supporting.
Most importantly; I hope you will have the confidence to fight ignorance, fear and prejudice.
As I mentioned near the beginning of this review, Depressive disorders affect people indiscriminately; I call it, the silent invisible disability, not like a leg that is broken or a medically recognised disease. People fear what they cannot see or understand.
Part of the fear would be eliminated if only education about this common condition was easily obtained. I hope and pray that I have educated.

With mental illness being near the bottom of the priority into research and care, its little wonder, that proper research doesn’t afford a cure where time and funds are limited, and confusion, Myths ignorance, fear and misunderstandings breed.
If you do have genuine concerns about any one you know, maybe it’s yourself, or a friend, relative/loved one, and then in all sincerity, I urge you to do something about it now.
You can do this by visiting your G.P.and getting a referral for the right psychiatric assistance.
Together with a care package best for you, and tailored to the individuals’ needs, you can over time and trial -receive the help needed.

There are of course, various organisations that will support/point you in the right direction. (I derived therapeutic support from a good trained counsellor-though several help groups are out there to educate and support both the patient and the carer, especially in the exhausting early stages, when you’re both on a learning curve.)
Good luck!
Here are some of them.
Just look them up under the mental health services, The yellow pages, Your local library your local G.P. Or the Citizens Advice Beurea. For impartial in confidence support and advice.

SANE.
The Manic Depressive Fellowship.
The NHS Mental Health department.
Family crisis.

Finally then, in closing I will sum up all I’ve said with a repeat of the opening poem a small poem I wrote some few years ago dedicated to my lovely beloved Joseph.

To you Jo, I offer you my loyalty, my heart my admiration and my love.
I am nothing without you- I will love you for ever.
Sorry this is so long.
I hope that from this and the personal things I have shared, others will learn how to understand and appreciate ...and that their eyes and ears of understanding have been softened and opened just a little.

Once again with the opening poem dedicated to him I offer you it agian in summarising and closing expressing all the pain all the love and a glimpse not only into your unhallowed world....but a HALLOWED world- of hope of peace of love and understanding.

"MANIC DEPRESSION"

Here he is, my peter-pan.
Fly high oh cloud streaked with burning sun!
Paving heaven paving hell
Whisper beauty in my ear
Then smash it down in one fell swoop.

Laughter frothed upon bitter anger
Wretched misery curse unspeakable
Blind grope in the dark we giggle and play.
Anything to forget today.

How did it come to these long years?
And still survive beyond the tears?
Have you come to scold yearn or scream

We never know beyond the dream
We never know the tide of passion
Vexed waves of energy, tireless trouble
Advanced upon your shoulders grey
Settle like a cloak of poison-
Testing tainting round the minds’ decay.

I cannot know what you bear
Nor hear your silent screams
But together, on-we faltering step
Have learnt the ways of warning, heed
And all we can do is but pray
That guidance may be ours, today.

Sleepless nights no fresh slumber!
Up one moment; down the next
Laughter merry gorgeous fun
Cry to seek sweet forgiveness
And then the whole bloody cycle-
Will start again!

And there we see your gilded cage
Trapping reason love unclaimed
We take each day- a living blessing
We wait for miracle, one day at a time.

I did not choose to fall in love
With such a complex man of beauty
But together pain and pleasure
We live our lives through all its weather.

Chrissie
24/01/04 

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