Member Advice on Miscarriage

This is very fresh to me, I have only received the all-clear from the hospital today so please excuse me if my writing is a bit disjointed. It has been a nightmare week. I lost my pregnancy only a week ago. My third baby who I had been delighted to find out I was having is no more.

I underestimated how much pain a woman goes through when she loses a baby in early pregnancy. The bond that you create in those first weeks is much stronger than you would imagine. The hormones that come crashing around you when the pregnancy ends are intense. I would say I am a strong person, but my loss has left me quite broken. I have cried randomly at anything kind people say to me. I weep on my own, then at other times it is almost as if I understand. I understand that something was not just right for my baby.

I thought that by recording my recent thoughts and a little diary of what happened, it might help someone going through the same traumatic event. So here's how it happened to me. If you are quite squeamish, then this probably isn't a good review for you to read.

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Wednesday:
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Small amount of pale pink bleeding. An overwhelming sense of having lost all pregnancy symptoms makes the day feel "wrong." Having bled throughout my previous pregnancy, I still could not relax... perhaps it was intuition, but I braced myself for bad news. It seemed ominous.

I spotted lightly throughout the day. I went to bed and found it very difficult to sleep, worrying about what the morning might bring me. My husband was very positive, he kept saying "It'll be fine, wait and you will see" However I knew in my heart it wasn't fine.

We were eight weeks pregnant.

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Thursday
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Up at the crack of dawn I found that I was passing small clots. As I could not get an appointment at my own GP, I visited my local A&E department. They could not have been nicer. I was taken to an assessment room, and given a quick check-up before they took me up to the gynaocology ward to be scanned and have bloods taken.

When we reached the gynae ward, I was taken to a room to have an internal scan. The thought of the internal scan was worse than the actual reality. In reality it didn't hurt at all. They covered it, lubricated it and in honest truth, I couldnt feel any pain or discomfort at all. After a few moments scanning, the doctor apologised to me very sincerely and said she could only see a small sac and no heartbeat. I didn't cry. But my husband was devastated.

She explained to me that she would like a blood test to check my hormone levels. I agreed in a daze and a test was taken quickly and painlessly. The internal scan had dislodged some bleeding and from that point a miscarriage was more evident. It was almost a relief to start bleeding "properly" as I had been in limbo with the vague spotting.

The hospital sent us home and said they would ring with the blood test results in a couple of hours. We got home and an overwhelming tiredness consumed me. I slept for two hours. The bleeding was quite painless- I was very lucky in that respect.

Two hours later the hospital rang. Hormone levels in the blood were still higher than they would have liked, so they arranged for me to come in for a further check up in seven days.

I slept for most of the day. I questioned why I felt so emotionless after such news. The truth is, I had not registered the loss.

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Friday
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I spent Friday with my feet up, just coming to terms with things. Family called to visit. I wish that some of them had stayed at home; you would not believe how insensitive people can be.

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Sunday
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On Sunday all my hormones came crashing down and the loss finally registered. I cried over what could have been, the baby I didn't get to meet. I grieved over my plans.

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Monday
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On Monday I tried to go back to work. It was much too soon. I cried to anyone who even asked how I was. It hurt so badly. I took two more days off work. It helped. I started to come to terms with things.

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Thursday
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Thursday (today) I had my follow up appointment at the hospital. They scanned me again to check my womb was empty and then took a blood test. They rang a few hours ago to say that the hormones were only at 14. The pregnancy is offically over. Despite feeling sad about this, it is a relief to get the all clear.

The thing that struck me was people's insensitivity.

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What NOT to say to someone having a miscarriage:
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Although I know that I am fortunate to have been through two healthy pregnancies, and I do take comfort in the two children that I have, nothing prepared me for the way I would feel when I lost my "baby"

I can honestly cope with the loss in myself, but I have been useless at work. Should anyone dare care about me, I burst into tears. My head knows that I am crying for a baby who barely was a baby, but that doesn't help. And it certainly does not help to have others tell me that. I had no idea how insensitive people are until I received a barrage of unhelpful comments this weekend. What is worse, is that some of these comments are coming from family, and others from mothers who should really know better.

I don't mind being asked "I heard what happened. How are you doing?" It gives me the opportunity to open up if I want to, or I can put on the "I'm fine" facade that I have been using most of the weekend. But people seem to feel the need to quantify the above question with

"At least you weren't further on"
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Oh my God! I am passing parts my pregnancy down the toilet, I am devastated and you seriously think that is a good thing to say? Yes, I do know that it is unbearable to think of a late loss, but this isn't a competition. For 4 weeks I dreamed a life for my baby. I bonded and thought of names. Keep that line to yourself.

"It wasn't meant to be"
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Yes it was. It was meant to be my new arrival in June, a little person to complete our family. It was very much meant to be. The little life was cut short and I am gutted.

"There must have been something wrong with the baby, maybe it would have been disabled"

Do I need to comment on this one? Insensitivity at its finest.

"You're young, you can have another"
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But I wanted this one. I loved this one.

"You've been very stressed lately, it wouldn't have helped"
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Yes thanks for that. I need to feel guilt that this was my fault.

"Enjoy those two children you do have and don't think of what happened'
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I heard this on the day I had the miscarriage, this person never even gave me a day to grieve. I love my children dearly, I also loved the one I lost. Let me grieve at least give me a day or two to come to terms with it. I was in the worst part of the miscarriage at the time she called in.

Nothing else is coming to mind at the moment although I know there have been others. But if you do have a friend who is currently going through this experience, all you need to do is offer your ears to her. If she wants to talk, she will. If she doesn't, she will appreciate the thought. A card would be a nice gesture. Even if you do not know her particularly well, I was touched by the kindness of people who I only knew peripherally. They were much more kind than some friends and family. Also, do ask how the daddy is doing. My hubby was affected more than anyone would realise although he doesn't say much.

I have found that writing things down has been a touch of therapy for me. I have gotten over the horrible comments, but at the time they were so hurtful. I know that this review is quite difficult to make sense of, but the place I am is quite hard for me to make sense of, so I apologise if this is a difficult read.