Member Advice on Pregnancy

My pregnancy wasn't planned. I wish it was, but no. A lot of women I have spoke to, have told me the best thing about having a baby is becoming a family. Mother, baby, and father. I didn't want that. I had always wanted to be a mother, but the family I craved consisted of Mother and baby. Remember when you were younger and you used to dream of your wedding day? I never did that. I only ever dreamed of being a mum, and not once was a man involved. ...
...I wanted to do it alone.

I was told I was pregnant on 1st April 2004. That's right, April Fools Day. So, obviously, not everyone believed me. When the doctor revealed the news, I was the happiest person alive. But one thing niggled me. The father. I had been with him just over 2 months. He knew from the start I didn't want anything serious. I enjoyed my freedom, liked my independence. The last thing I wanted was a baby with him. Now ... more

My pregnancy wasn't planned. I wish it was, but no. A lot of women I have spoke to, have told me the best thing about having a baby is becoming a family. Mother, baby, and father. I didn't want that. I had always wanted to be a mother, but the family I craved consisted of Mother and baby. Remember when you were younger and you used to dream of your wedding day? I never did that. I only ever dreamed of being a mum, and not once was a man involved. If I was ever going to become a mum, I wanted to do it alone.

I was told I was pregnant on 1st April 2004. That's right, April Fools Day. So, obviously, not everyone believed me. When the doctor revealed the news, I was the happiest person alive. But one thing niggled me. The father. I had been with him just over 2 months. He knew from the start I didn't want anything serious. I enjoyed my freedom, liked my independence. The last thing I wanted was a baby with him. Now don't get me wrong. Not once did the thought of abortion enter my mind. But the thought of not telling the father did. I felt selfish. Being independent, I wanted to do this alone, prove to everyone that I can be a great single mum.
My mum's first question, after beaming like a Cheshire cat was, what would the father think. My mum knew him, was his boss. I didn't want him to know. But, of course, I had to tell him. After all, he had the right to know, didn't he? I took the cowards way out and sent him a text message with the simple words… "You're gonna be a dad". He was over the moon and immediately started going on about getting a house, what to call the baby and whose last name the baby should have. According to him the baby should have his last name, because if we were to get married, my name would change. Married?? Excuse me?? No, I don't think so. I had to tell him I didn't want to be with him. But how could I do that now that I was carrying his child? I remember once going to his mums with him and his niece was there. She was 3, and she called him a "dickhead" so, he called her one too. I was shocked. Her mum didn't correct her, or shout at her for her language. They were laughing at her. Did I really want my child to be brought up like that? Well, would you?
I tried to tell him a few times to stop getting so serious, but he blamed my hormones, said he understood my mood swings. I wasn't in a mood, I just wanted him to realise I didn't want to be with him. I didn't want him to keep going on about getting a house and having more children and being a happy family. It's just not me. I look back now and realise he did mean well. But, he wasn't listening to anything I was trying to tell him. He told a few people at work that he WILL be there when the baby was born, and a couple of the women tried to tell him that not all women like the fathers present in the delivery room. He didn't listen to this either. He reckoned no one could stop him.
I had a scan when I was 15 weeks. I told him it was just an antenatal check, didn't tell him it was a scan. He was in my face too much, and this was a little time on my own. My sister was with me. Seeing that little image on the screen was the best thing I've ever seen. I bought a few pictures and went home. I told him that whilst I was at the appointment they offered me a scan so I took it, and bought him a picture. He wanted to know why we both had pictures, why there wasn't one between us. After all, it was going on the front room wall in our 'new house'. He wasn't happy about me not ringing and asking him to come quick because they were taking me for a scan. But, well, I just didn't want to.
It was a Friday night and I was about 4 months gone. I was with my friends and family and we bumped into him and his mates in a pub. I was sat on a settee and he came and sat next to me and held my hand, so I pulled it away.
"What the f*** is wrong with you?!" He shouted at me.
Oh, I flipped. I just looked at him with disgust, mainly because he stunk of Stella and I despise that smell. After a lot of shouting and screaming at him, he finally got the hint. I was free, finally.
For a while he left me alone. I wasn't shutting him out. He wanted to be in the baby's life, so who was I to stop him? Then he started texting me again about whether I had changed my mind and if I wanted to give it another go. I simply told him no. The longer he left me alone, the more I respected him and the more I told him what was happening. But, the more he pressured me, the more I pushed him away and didn't tell him anything.
At my 20 week scan, my mum and best friend came with me. This was when I found out I was carrying a boy. I was adamant he was a girl, but as long as he was healthy I didn't care what sex he was. I immediately started thinking of names. Once I had told his father, he said we 'should'… yes "should" call the baby after him. Why 'should' we? I didn't want the baby to have his first or his last name. I wanted to call my son Mark. As some of you may know, my cousin Mark died of cancer when my son was 9 days old. I wanted him to be named after him. The father didn't care about the reason. He had a brother called Mark who he didn't get along with. So what? That's not my problem. I stuck with Mark for a long while. He wasn't happy, but I didn't care. Then I started thinking about my granddad, whose last name was Kane. I thought that would be a lovely first name, so I settled on Kane Mark. His father still wasn't happy because the name 'Mark' was still included. There was 5 weeks between me and my cousin, and we were extremely close. So I was adamant on keeping this name. It was settled. :o)

In my last month of pregnancy I had a hard time. I could literally feel Kane pushing down. I even thought that if he pushed just a tiny bit further his head would pop out. I was in agony and didn't sleep much in my last four weeks. Up until now I had had it easy. I only suffered from morning sickness for about a month when I first found out and it wasn't even every morning. The only cravings I had were for barbecue sauce and cucumber. Not together though!
My due date was 7th November 2004. Ironically, this was my cousins little boys first birthday. We were all hoping I would have Kane on this date, but the way I felt, I didn't care if I had him two weeks early, I just wanted it to be over so I could start being a mum!
On the 5th November, a Friday, I thought I was starting with labour pains, but I think it was just a bit of cramp. So I was on edge all weekend. The 7th came but nothing happened.
I woke up on the 8th, a Monday, with tummy ache. I was up at 9am, so I just thought it was the same as Friday. My mum rung from work and I told her how I felt. I was sure it wasn't labour, but she told me to have a bath. By 11am, my sister (JulyBunny) was up and I told her how I felt. What did she do? She laughed!! I couldn't believe it. Throughout the day the pains got worse, but still I didn't think it was labour. You know when you think 'That will never happen to me'? That's what I was thinking. My mum came home for her dinner and rung the maternity ward. They wanted to speak to me, so I told them what the pains were like and if Id lost any water, which I hadn't. They recommended another bath and to ring back when the pain intensifies.
By 6pm I was in agony, I was crouched down on all fours, tried lying in different positions, walking, allsorts. I had had a show by this time, so we rung the ward again. The midwife asked me if I wanted to come in right away or wait a little longer. I said I'd wait longer so she recommended yet another bath.
At 8:30pm I couldn't take anymore. We set off to the hospital, and my mum rang Kane's dad on the way. I was examined and the monitors were put on me. Watching the contractions come on the monitor made the pain even worse I think. I was 8cm dilated when I got there. They had to break my waters. When Kane's dad arrived he walked into the delivery room. I asked the midwives to ask him to leave as I didn't want him there, just my mum. So he went to the waiting room.
At 11:24pm, I pushed little Kaney into the world, and he weighed 7lb6oz. I had been in labour 14 and a half hours. And believe it or not, I had no pain relief. I had said right at the beginning of my pregnancy that I was going to have an epidural. Because I was so far gone when I got to hospital, it was too late for an epidural, so they gave me gas and air. I took one puff and was nearly sick. I told the midwife not to try and kill me while I'm giving birth! So I didn't use anything. Which I'm glad about really. There was a student who came in to assist with the birth. He was about my age, and all the poor lad did was wafting my face with a bed pan because I was so hot!! Bless him. I couldn't believe that they didn't have a fan in there and the windows hardly opened. They opened about an inch and a half.
Kane's dad came in to see him and fed him his first bottle. I was exhausted, and the midwife run me a bath. Four baths in one day! I've gotta say though, that last bath was the best one that day! I could finally relax.
I got dressed and my mum and Kane's dad went home. It was about 1am by this time. I was taken down to the ward, and was amazed because there were hardly any nurses about. There was one at the desk as we walked in. My midwife asked her which bed I was to go in, and this nurse said, "Oh, erm… what's her name? I think she'll be alright in the end bay." I was a little shocked. I thought that maybe they'd be nicer to you, you know, help you get settled into bed and whatever. My midwife got my clean sheets and blankets for Kane and off she went.
There was another three women in the bay. I couldn't sleep. I dunno why, I was exhausted. Kane started crying, and well, I didn't know what to do. I picked him up and tried him with the rest of the bottle he hadn't taken earlier. He wouldn't take it. I started to cry! He was my baby so why didn't I know what was wrong with him? I felt a failure. I went out into the corridor and there was a nurse walking down it. I told her I didn't know what was wrong with him. She tutted at me and said,
"You gotta persevere with her bottle."
"He's a boy."
"Well him then."
With that she walked away. I'm stood in the corridor on my own, with a baby crying, exhausted and I didn't have a clue what to do. I was totally alone. I wanted my mum. Visiting wasn't until 2pm the next day. I laid him back in his cot and went into the bathroom and locked the door. I desperately needed a cigarette. It was a good job that I didn't have any on me because I'd have lit one up there and then.
I wanted to go home. I wanted to take Kane from his cot and walk out of the building. I was appalled at the way I was being treated. My son was only 2 hours old and no one was willing to help me. I must have been in the bathroom for about 15 minutes when I finally returned to my bed. I looked at Kane and he was fast asleep. I don't know whether one of the nurses had come to him, or whether he had just stopped crying. I climbed in bed and fell asleep. Kane slept till 10am the next morning. He woke up and started crying, but this time I knew he must be hungry, and sure enough, he took his bottle. About 1pm, a nurse came to me, and asked if I had bathed the baby yet. I told her no. Shouldn't she already know that? They didn't even know that a new mother had been brought onto the ward during the night. What if I wanted to breast feed? No one had come and asked me about that. It's a good job I wasn't breast feeding. This midwife was really nice, so I told her about the previous night, and she was stunned. She promised that she would talk to the night staff as they came into work. I still wanted to go home.
That night, one of the night nurses came to me and apologised that she hadn't been informed about me arriving so late. I got a lot of attention. The other three mothers in the bay were having bad nights and the midwives came in and took the baby's while they could get some rest. One came up to me and asked if I wanted them to take Kane for a few hours. I told them no, that I was fine, I could cope, I'd coped the night before hadn't I?
Finally Wednesday came and I was totally fed up. Kane's results were fine, mine were fine, and so I asked if I could go home. If they'd have said no, I'd have discharged myself. They agreed and me and Kane came home.

My experience in hospital after giving birth was ridiculous. I got no care or help at all on my first night. The best part is… every morning, you have to go and prepare your own breakfast. I understand this as it gets mothers used to having a baby and having to do things for yourself too. But, on my first morning in there, I wasn't told this. I was starving. Even the other mothers didn't tell me about this. I ended up ringing my mum and asking her to bring me some food. I was so glad to finally get home.

Kane is now 7 months old, and got his first tooth yesterday! He's growing up so fast, and me and his dad now get on really well, even though we're not back together ;o)

Thanks for reading
HeartOfGold
xVx

please ignore the ratings at the bottom. the overall rating is on kane, not the labour! 

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