Helping each other
 Sep 3rd, 2002
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communication
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none
Recommendable:
Yes
Detailed rating:
Effectiveness
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  karen001
About me:
Member since:16.08.2002
Reviews:37
Members who trust:11
Review rated by 37 Ciao members on average: very helpful 
This review received a counterstatement by a party concerned
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Learning to live with a history of sexual abuse is achived by different means, there is no right way or wrong way, it is simply a case of what works for you. What is the definition of sexual abuse well basically sexual abuse is wherby a person uses his/her position, power, emotional position etc to extract their sexual neeeds from another human being. More often than not when we talk about sexual abuse, images of young children spring to mind, the reality is that sexual abuse is possible at any age and to either sex. So how do we help someone deal with their past? Many sites are dedicated to victims but far few are helping their loved ones cope as well, How do you help someone close that door?There are many that believe that pretending the issus will go away will help, let me tell you it won't. encourage the 'victim' to talk but don't hassle them to do so. Most victims will not feel comfortable in openly discussing details for fear that they will lose your respect, remember that guilt is the most comonly felt emotion in survivors of sexual assault. Should the person be willing to talk, LISTEN very often just by listening you can pick up on the things that are still hurting them and only when you identify these things can you truly begin to help each other. Take time to read the wealth of information in books and on the net, be informed so that you can relate to the feelings of the person involved. Never belittle the experience, always remember that the abuse was probably the most degrading experince that that person has had to deal with, by making light of their pain you are in effect mocking them and they surely will never speak of it again and you will be in a worse position than you started with. Suggest that the victim writes you a letter this will help both of you, you will be able to understand the feelings and get a greater insite into what occured and they will be able to express their feelings without the face to face contact, agree beforehand whether it is to be discussed afterward or the subject dropped for a while whilst you both allow the effects of your communication to sink in.Before geting the person to talk, think of the follwing..
To understand the implecations of sexual abuse you really have to break them down into two separate sections. Firstly you have abuse by a known person, eg: a family memberThis has several different long term affects: Imagine beeing cut off from your family, this often happens after abuse is reported, the family turns their back on the 'victim' leaving them isolated and alone.
A victim may well have difficulty establishing intimate relationships where a trust can be reached.
Victims may fear that they will continue the cycle of abuse and so are cautious about becoming a parent.
severe guilt that they are responsible for the action taken against their abuser.
Guilt for another sibling who also fell victim for the abuser.Secondly there is assault from a stranger, Consider for a moment what it must feel like to always be afraid of strangers, to hate being alone with a person you are not familiar with.
Victims often blame themselves, were they wearing the wrong thing?, did they give out the wrong signals?, did they drink too much?
For me the worst thing about rape was the feeling of humiliation , imagine losing your dignity, losing all sense of self worth, this is what you are dealing with!.
The feeling of shame for having let the abuse continue is common amongst those victims who were abused at a young age, many feel great guilt because they 'felt pleasure' from the experience The last remark may make some of you angry but it's a fact that many survivors report such emotion, the fact remains that the body will react accordingly to stimulation, however it is abuse nevertheless, to deliberatly carry out sexual acts on a young person not able to make a grounded judgement on whether it is ethically or morally wrong. For many victims it comes as a great shock when they learn that they have been a part of such an act in the hands of someone they respect, this is where the guilt kicks in.
Why do so many cases of sexual abuse go unreported? There is no great mystery here. As previously stated many are not aware that their experiences are classed as abuse, those that are informed keep their secret for fear of retribution, for fear of being outcast, not believed and for many the fear of having intimate details being publicised is more than they can bear.If anyone out there has been abused, please get help. Don't live your life in fear, things can get better.
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30.11.2002 14:10
first class, well put,a great help karen take care jean xx
19.09.2002 02:39
Very practical and helpful to know. Avril
09.09.2002 19:23
Superb, practical and caring opinion. It's a shame Ciao Cafe opinions don't qualify for Premium Fund payments or I would have nominated this one.