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1st2thebar

1st2thebar

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since 11/05/2005

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Ilsa The Wicked Warden (DVD) 14/11/2017

Orchestrated Chaos

Ilsa The Wicked Warden (DVD) Ilsa; the Wicked Warden (1977) - Also known as 'Wanda,' and the ILSA Series. Made in W Germany, (not S. America) in collaboration with Erwin. C Dietrich Director: Jess Franco Genre: Horror / Sexploitation Duration: 94 minutes Starring: Dyanne Thorne (Ilsa) , Eric Falk (Pablo), Jess Franco (Dr. Arcos), Lina Romay (Juana), Tania Busselier (Abbie). Music: Walter Baumgartner - - - Synopsis: Abbie manages to get admitted to a secure psychiatric hospital via Dr. Arcos in a bid to find her sister. Ilsa is the wicked warden who uses the admitted to quench her sick mind, she also subjects the young girls to untold sadistic acts - to add salt to the wound, they're filmed. Abbie's circumstances increasingly worsens after refusing advances from Juanna -- albeit, Ilsa's tall stiletto heels are prone to get stuck in a stony floor crevasse, ye-p, ideal for Franco fangs. Cult films fascinate me.. perhaps it's the idea that there's an element of validity waiting to emerge from actual historical content, observers alike play 'spot the truth element.' Myriad cult filmscripts are influenced by cultural phenomenas (bio-directional media threads, entertainment and global issues even in the 1970s), devised naturally to lure in an audience, the rules remain the same today. Yet, when voyeurs are viewing cult scripts nearing four decades on... the influence (s) and clever messages get somewhat blurred and this leads to commentators incorrectly usurping on misdiagnosis and misconceptions - hence, ...

Do you still celebrate Halloween? 05/11/2017

Phantasmagorical Fandangle

Do you still celebrate Halloween? I made it a tradition to celebrate Halloween with a luminary 'Arturo Fuente.' Indeed, for several hours the library will occupy ghostly plumes that'l smell of damp rug stroke dog dependent on your exact position. Broadly speaking this is my internal winter cleansing, readying myself for cold bleakness and bleary nights of aromatic, clinker grinding Jura and tangible prose all under the comforting moss green lamp of inspiration. My eager observations, i.e. sniffing out horrific terminology, usually derived by ill-advised pen-pushers from Her Majesty's Services; the same office who squirrel packed the hornswoggle pact in ofference a referenda to plebiscites. Y'know, the shocking reality of thousands of laws turned into a puff of smoke by sleazebag parliamentarians ticking off the last quarter's expenses and who's now fit and available. In some quarters this so-called 'EUL' is judicial material no sane entity likes to analyse, nor wants to know about or wishes to give lip service too - instead, the scripted shift of focus is claiming inappropriately placing of fat, sweaty digits on a female journalist's knee in 2002. The amateur shoddiness is embarrassing, not unlike when I got to know a pumpkin intimately. Meh, about this time in 2002, I was wearing a pumpkin on my head sucking cheap vino from a straw, oh the high life of hearing your own vocals circumnavigating the lobes, whereby you feel as if your orange head may explode. If it was today, people would comment I was Donald ...

Apple: what do you think about the brand's products on the market? 31/10/2017

iGroan

Apple: what do you think about the brand's products on the market? The late Steve Jobs knew the Apple philosophy will be diluted if the global market was saturated with Apple devices of the premise, success breeds negligence and you can't juggle that many devices and remain true to your core ethic. The main one... consumer safety. - - - There's been immense security compromises along the way mainly by unforeseen forces of evil; eager to rot Western values, but regrettably the codec encryption program has been neglected, basically putting marketable profit in front of expansive codec patches / updates on 'Apple's' Mobile Technology devices. Granted, the codec program is a failed mission which Jobs would've never mishandled / disenfranchised. Jobs's natural pathway was education, to secure generations of tech-followers proficient on one interactive formula, yes, the followers remain and came, but not via being on, one secure interactive platform. On a grand scale, having tremendous success in regards to product variety effectively does little to enhance future projects, of the renown view, scaling down device repetition is the only correct and valid option to foment long term interest. Tim Cook's (Apple's CEO) evaluation is never to scale down, production or costs. Indirectly, 'Apple' affiliates and the corporation themselves have to step backwards to iron out forgotten ethics and aging platform discrepancies before moving onwards to keep the brand relevant and therefore forward thinking, to revitalise a credible five year prosperity ...

The Demons (DVD) 24/10/2017

'Denuns'

The Demons (DVD) Les démons 1973 (released in France by Robert de Nesle) Director: Jess Franco Genre: nunsploitative / Gothic Duration: 118 minutes Music: Daniel J. White (Beethoven-esque piano cords) Free to view - available on 'YouTube.' - - - When an adhoc scene depicts a Julie T. Wallace doppelgänger in 'The Life and Loves of a She-Devil,' (1986) written by Fay Weldon; from the off, blurts out 'witchcraft' obscenities and rather enjoys it, while the marinaded wooded flames lick the accused ankles as if it's a dragon's tongue -- you know the Franco magic is taking centre stage. Indeed, 'Les démons' is disturbed, enough to salivate and spit on the angel eyed (butter-wouldn't-melt-types) -- ye-s, the inglorious nunsploitative Franco-isms commences. What saves the film from breaking censorship is Franco's ability to envelope comedic theatrics; although, I cannot see Judy Dench doing 'Les démons' justice in the 'Ol Vic' - her posture and neckline is slightly too regal for demonic intentions; however Downton Abbey's Maggie Smith wouldn't need to be told twice; soft-corn sparks embers. Witchcraft and youthful females who follow the regimented path of piety for Franco are righteously sprightly and angelic - in Jean-Antoine Watteau's vault there's a plethora of painterly beauty, and I assure you, Franco holds the key. The film is ideal, for the director's follower, who knows the difference between purposeful artistry and trashy buffoonery; who'll mindfully paint in the colour by number ...

What are your plans this Autumn? 04/10/2017

A Rake's Progress

What are your plans this Autumn? My Autumn plans as a Ciaoer rarely changes; 'aving mentioned this, indeed, times may differ dependent of my Ciaoer availability, partly of the common-denominator I am much more than a Ciaoer, or to add a finer detail: '1st2thebar.' Difficult to imagine I know, that behind the hyper-text-markup-language coding... flesh and blood circulates my vessel, rendering me human. Furthermore, I did check my passport to see if 'Ciaoer' had miraculously replaced my ethnicity, the result was, I am still subject to the monarch and remain a Caucasian male; reassuringly owned by Elizabeth II. By being a Homo Sapien I need warmth during Autumn of the premise mankind can't yet warm themselves up while reading and writing reviews, although, I do go via 'Ciao' to see how I can retain heat... fortunately other members are also human and will pass on their extensive knowledge of keeping warm - I shall read, learn and shop purely to help aid my internal thermostat, this is my main plan. Admittedly, just saying: Survival... is too generic and simplistic on a debate topic such as seasonal planning, why I will elaborate. In the coming months I'll continue to be heartened by ethical practices by super capitalists, i.e. the hedgefund consortiums, Silicon Valley conglomerates and global fiscal sector; they're enlightened by the fortune model of putting social value first. Something the current administration has ignored and infamously misinterpreted for neons; it'll be to their detriment and fore-coming ...

The Devil Hunter (DVD) 30/09/2017

Bushtucker Trial

The Devil Hunter (DVD) Year 1980 Director: Jess Franco Written by Julian Esteban Featuring: Ursula Buchfellner, Al Cliver and Antonio Mayans Duration: 102 minutes, no subtitles - - - Sexo Canibal In generations to come I don't want to be the one to point out a Jess Franco film and announce: "manners dear boy, the Devil Hunter teaches you how to eat intestines appropriately..." Even cannibalism has a table decorum; for much of the gross detailing is fuzzy and out of focus on purpose. And while a third of the populous cannot afford the Food bank voucher tokens, they're getting tips from cannibal experts which have been long establish, i.e. derived during the 16th Century somewhere between Portugal and Italy. What the twenty-first century has taught us is to be self-sufficient, this is not a new concept, for Robert A. Heinlein stipulated it's validity in his book called: 'Stranger In A Strange Land,' (1961) - you could denote it was a futuristic vision whereby necessity engaged humanity to be part of the food-chain for our own survival. The birth rate explosion and food crisis had practically dissolved human rights and for the cause of human endeavour cannibalism was again on our plates; to not partake was highly disrespectful to the newly dead. I don't believe Jess Franco absolutely bought into Heinlein's science-fiction theoretics, nevertheless, a smidgen of science-fiction plausibly had been a psyche mainstay in Francos directorship. 'Devil Hunter' leans towards a softer approach; hence, ...

What is the best memory of your 2017 holidays? 20/09/2017

Vision Espresso

What is the best memory of your 2017 holidays? Nothing like a 'Eurostar' London to Paris trip, just for the hell of it! You can't beat the stifling heat of underground travel, locked in a sardine tin rumbling on at a fair rate being sandwiched between rock and water; six hours ten minutes worth. Granted, the closest I've been to the Earth's crust since my close shave with hell, when a cowboy hatted Christian announced a year ago while clutching a huge bible pillow... if a thunder-bolt struck the pavement we were sharing... "I was going down, man..." on the contrary, he was destined to rise after dividing our cajoled ashes -- fortunately the weather was fine that day. I'd intended to walk in the shadows of greatness, namely Michel Houellebecq a French author who writes passionately on Parisien sights and sounds, his sublime novel 'Submission,' left a hollow sense of reality within. In this idiotic era, I wanted to know if the change had come on cue, y'see in 2017 for Houellebecq was when the bouncy friendly culture descended into a seisemic ritual of pavement and ankle gazers; a year when piety had political vigour. I generally can gauge after several hours being sardined for a handful of hours with intercontinental strangers what the mood is like in the camp, for my English englobe sings out like a nightingale trapped in a greenhouse. Then something in print sang at me like an angel from the mire of inequality, despair and tragedy, including acts of angry omnipotent spirits. My eyes were the size of Henry VIII saucers, ...

Will Hay - Oh Mr Porter (DVD) 13/09/2017

Hay Market

Will Hay - Oh Mr Porter (DVD) Year 1937 Director: Marcel Varnel Starring: Will Hay, Graham Moffat, Moore Marriott Produced by Gainsborough Pictures Duration: 85 minutes Plot: William Porter played by Will Hay is deported to Buggleskelly in Ireland (where trains never pass) to be a Stationmaster after having caused ignominy. He then continues to create havoc with his equally haphazard co-workers... Harbottle played by Moore Marriot and Albert played by Graham Moffat -- the trio develop a calamitous working relationship, by hook or crook the end result is the same. Luck. - - - Two or three wrongs don't make a right usually, but Marcel Varnel's work ethic never went via normal steadfast practices -- why he was one of the pioneers of cinematic satire in the 1930s; "what's fun in getting what you asked for?" You got to accept when big characters deliver their craft there's a major factor it ain't what you possibly could be fore-warned about; the best comedic directors possess a 'what will be, will be' attitude (s); especially while working with so-called geniuses... automatically you compute there's an art of being cooperative. Actors aren't comedians and comedians aren't actors; the end result depends on chemistry, orchestrated awkwardness and endearment. However, within the frame there has to be a sense of verisimilitude, regardless of slap-happy idiocies, otherwise everyone will have egg on their face quite literally. 'Oh Mr Porter!' only missed out on the egg by inches, missed by a cartoon drama ...

What is your Summer Drink? 05/09/2017

Malt Teaser

What is your Summer Drink? Before I engage in discussing a topic with the intellectual gravitas of a scrunched up tea-leaf, I like to announce, it's now Autumn and like Summer all beverages could be consumed regardless of season. We have an option in the 21st C, beverages could be chilled via refrigeration, or temporarily put in the freezer; most households have these types of options these days, of the knowledge not everyone has a cellar or a pantry. We all know August is a month of nebulous-news, why I take 'The Telegraph's' view that beer is the 'perfect' summer beverage as a news-filler and not a recent news item either. Evidently, Sophie Atherton who is a beer writer, she coincidentally stated that beer was the nation's choice two years ago, after an influx of beer (s) available on the market, comparable to when Atherton noticed or did a drinks competition - although, it appears there wasn't a summer drink competition after all due to the fact 'The Telegraph' used the idiom: "(Beer) beats off the competition including wine and spirit mixers.." -- because when the UK is blessed with a douse of Summer, everyone is sensible enough to refrain from high ABV beverages; on the contrary, I'm an exception! Whenever Summer shifts into gear, which is invariably... I glug out a sizable 'Special Reserve.' Scotland's finest scotch, matured in oak cases, for a minimum of three years; now this blend has won a competition: notably the silver award for spirits in 2014. For the record, whenever Autumn shifts into ...

In summer: do you prefer swimming in the sea or in the pool? 01/09/2017

Rectangular Womb

In summer: do you prefer swimming in the sea or in the pool? I was cornered by a retired gruff man from the Navy about four years ago at a charity event, the subject we discussed oddly was about open sea swimming versus chemical pools: "Are you one for the raw open sea or do you prefer the safety of a pristine blue rectangular womb?" I genuinely didn't know how to respond, I quipped; "it depends on the womb." The retired Navy man's current eyes widened: "You are no man if you don't get invigorated with nature's salty tears..." I claimed I hadn't really thought about it to the gent - of the prefix, my mind doesn't automatically judge via gender type where I swim if on vacation. Having spent several minutes thinking about my preference, I'm neither bothered where I swim, but I find myself drawn to a particular blue. For the record, the retired Navy gent remained in social media contact with me until eight months after the EU Referendum result... he was decidedly pique about my so-called... 'remoaning' and suggested I joined the Navy... "our sailors would like some bait ... nom, nom, nom..." Actually, the exchange a few posts thereafter had a poetic sordid thread that only the cliche of Navy personell would compute and label it under... 'character building.' Whether it was the affiliation of his glorifying of the raw open sea, the rebel in me swayed towards the beautifully blue pool that didn't transport sewage nor was suspiciously salty. Suchlike causes an epiglottal spasm, a signal that informed the brain, sea water was not to be ...

Detour (DVD) 26/08/2017

Ulmer's Working Week

Detour (DVD) Director: Edgar G. Ulmer Featuring: Tom Neal (Al Roberts), Ann Savage (Vera) Claudia Drake (Sue Harvey) Edmund MacDonald (Charles Haskell Jnr) Genre: Film Noir Duration: 67 minutes Produced in 1945 Plot: A New York bar pianist goes after his girl who absconds to Hollywood to find her fortune, after having called her with a hefty tip by a punter; he embarks on a road trip across the states via foot and gets offered a lift by a 'wealthy' businessman, the closer he gets to his girl the worse his predicament gets. - - - If I was overly polite I found 'Detour' symbolic.. hence borderline noir; if I allowed myself to express myself fully - 'Detour' should only be viewed as a form of punishment - to be played in Anthony Burgess's, 'A Clockwork Orange' (1962). I'd forgive the production if the formuliac, noir artistry, attempted to remove itself from amateur dramatics. Naturally, noir is all about over-elaborate expression; thus, Ulmer's 'Detour' opens the flapdoodle door. Misjudged by my opinion, for the idea of noir is to do the simple narrative proficiently, with a firm hand on stylistic creations; herewith, what emblems there were, such as the road-side, telephone line close ups and shoddy frame compositions, this film noir was startlingly primitive. I'd denote this could be the restraints of the epoch; as films had quick-fire production schedules during the Second World War years; particularly in 1945 when cinema was very much part of the liberation process. Indirectly, ...

What is your summer song 2017? 12/08/2017

Pulling the Allegri

What is your summer song 2017? I'm under no illusion; I'm no music aficionado, partly because I treat mainstream listening like a take away container, I sniff it, flip the curved edge cardboard top off, dive in with a fork make some agreeable noises and then send the container off to recycling utopia. After that, I rarely think about it. - - - Unfortunately, I did pay attention to the download charts in recent weeks in preparation for such a question. You may've heard of them, the chart with the most up-to-date download stats available to man - said, as if you genuinely care... ah, the wonders of download technology. As one of the pioneers of the digital age, namely getting the strong coffees and testing buffer speeds / encryptions and doing the hard digital slog. The result is the download chart machine, the collector of digital data , hence why I am kind of loyal to the media per se and respect the data processes, but the music creativity abuses my ears and intellect. Currently, top of the pile for quite a while is a song called 'Despacito' sung by Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee: not the names I'd choose for serious performers, but hey... you have to run with it, even though no baby should be call Daddy, or Puff come to think of it. The translation defies logic and is incoherent. "I want to breathe your neck... slowly..." no Homo Sapien does that without having a restraining order, furthermore, necks aren't Yankee Candles, Daddy Yankee! And there's more... "I want to strip you off with kisses... ...

Board games: which are the best for you? 31/07/2017

Boundless Balderdash

Board games: which are the best for you? The game is a Robinson and Toyne creation from 1984 A combination of bluffing and wordplay Under the categories of: words, people, initials and dates (the year not fruit). The manufacturer denotes Balderdash has a registered trademark. - - - Balderdash isn't merely a board game but has metamorphosised into reality, in my adulthood I have a tendency to play the game whenever possible, sometimes undetected -- While on the phone, I string a sequence of murmurrings, in the mix there's a fragment of truth. I may elongate the conversation to the dental receptionist and stipulate being long in the tooth for my age... only to hear a lengthily pause -- indeed, confirming a check-up is temerariousness personified - at least I'm remembered, y'see in the game of 'Balderdash' sesquipedalianism plays havoc, one of my irritants is etymology, wordage trivia; and communicating it over convincingly enough to gain a card - although, in real life, it's a metaphorical one and you're the only active player. Humanity is swimming in a sea of balderdash, and I live in trepidation that our future generations are too distracted and disillusioned to make a theoretical analysis about where we are at and where we're going. No twenty-something year olds yet has told me anything on par to being... visionary; where are the fresh-face George Orwells, two decades ago I could pop to Shepherd and Woodward on the High Street in Oxford and talk 1984 or 'Dungeon and Dragons' with the ...

Tattoos: friends or foes? 22/07/2017

Temple Graffitti

Tattoos: friends or foes? My body is a temple, albeit, you have to remove your shoes and socks before you experience divine's work. I may have got the Corinthian verse 6 muddled up with a draconian pious message during cerebral transit from head to fingers... call me Indiana Jones and the temple of doom. My impurities go deeper than skin deep, deceptive really of the notion I've an adonis frame and don't require any attractive enhancements. For the record, I don't mind tattoos - this possibly is to do with the cultural drip, drip acceptance of permanently marking ones' skin, the slow seduction of permanent markers, lazer printing the largest organ of the body under the terminology of: vanity project. There's nothing in Corinthian's to say you can't inkjet your temple - then again Corinthians was decidedly nebulous about permanent markings on temples, I haven't read the small print about graffitti. Presumably, the muddled comment just concentrated on destroying God's temples just for the sake of it, alas, in this debate, some people claim that tattoos destroy the skin and body. Inadvertently, this amounts to the same hellbent scenario, mucking about with divine's work has dire results, why? Well, because all temples are sacred. You could argue that crumbling temples have much needed refurbishments therefore it's only right that we should have Gary Lineker eating Walker's Crisps on our shoulder. Cheese and Onion flavour isn't as painful as Salt and Vinegar apparently. Now I'm rubbing salt into the ...

Love Letters Of A Portuguese Nun (DVD) 18/07/2017

Dodgy Berger

Love Letters Of A Portuguese Nun (DVD) Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun was made in 1975, cleared censorship in 1977. Director: Jess Franco Genre: Erotic / Gothic Featuring an adolescent Susan Hemingway, William Berger and Herbert Fux Available to watch on 'You Tube.' Plot: A fifteen year old girl named Maria (Hemingway) is subjected to divine-orientated torture by a Priest, played by (Berger), who spotted her having an innocent dalliance. In a bid to rescue her from evil, she enters the Serra D'Aires convent - and there she naively experiences at every turn a punishment, and quickly denotes, repenting is superfluous under the umbrella of satanic prophecy. - - - The idea of forbidden fruit activates the animalistic in the adolescent, this is what happens when innocence runs in the woods and jovially giggles... "you'll have to catch me first..." to a young man, bedazzled and drunken with concupiscence. This is the start of 'Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun' - hormonal teenagers mesmerised by the pool of temptation. Jess Franco by this point had made his name with 'Necronomicon: Dreamt Sins' -- (1968); gravitated to the Marcel Proust theorems that the journey of revelation isn't merely about experiencing new landscapes, alas, comprehending the result of one's action (s); Franco's directorship takes the theory to heart. Such imaginative freedom is a joy beyond any measure and never fades... for it blossoms the soul magnificently. Overtly, this epitomises Jess Franco's directorship, even the horror is tongue in ...
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