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since 09/12/2000


Samsung SGH T100 08/04/2003

A cat, a rat and a very clever Dog 'n' Bone.

Samsung SGH T100 If I had a cat that weighed 41 pounds, I’d be sick at myself, even ON myself. The fact that I DO is a great excuse for my sick covered hair feet and hands. “Where did all that sick come from Bennyboy?” they ask. “I’ve got a fat cat.” “Oooooooooooooh” they say. “……….GET AWAY FROM ME!!!” Not an entirely true story I must admit, but can you see the inventive symbolism in there?? The moral of my story?? Old McDonald was a monkey. Are you even listening to what I’m saying??? << Never had this trouble when I lived in the sewers!! Least the rats listened to me! >> When I came out of the sewers though, I got one of these phones. All of a sudden people started ignoring the fact that I was covered in vomit……ok, that was a lie, and instead of calling me ‘SickAndDisgustingBoy’ they started calling me ‘ PonceyFilthMan’. Which is much nicer I think?! Its all silver and curvy and makes me look like a right woman (therefore, more intelligent  ), but I don’t care. I’ve only ever had Nokia’s before and just fancied a change. “The menu’ll be fiddley” people did say. “It’ll cost you loads” they did say. “It’ll fall apart in a week” they did say. “You’re a bunch of wombats!!” I did say – followed by a triple back-flip out of the office window of coarse. Instead of taking the usual boring route here, I’m going to spare you the silly facts and tell you simply what’s good and what’s not about this phone; the real reasons you should have one, or the reason it ...

Fiction 21/03/2002


Fiction This is a little story I wrote. I’ve changed a few names (‘which is why its in fiction’) to hide the identity of the tea-stain involved but apart from that its 100%, maybe even 200% true. Anyway, it go go goes something a little like this: It was a sunny day in Drongoland. As the birds sung… “….tweet tweet tweet tweeeeeet, you’re dead wormhead, oh yeeeah!! Tweeeeeeeeet….” …the trees rustled in the warm (but a bit cold) breeze. Mike-the-milky-tea-stain was just setting out on a pleasurable walk in the park. Despite the nice weather though, Mike wasn’t having such a happy happy joy of day day. His boyfriend, Gandolf-the-runny-fluffbrain, had just left him due to problems of the fluffy type. So he was very sad. However, he had an idea brewing. A new companion was what he needed and he had the perfect solution. “I’ll get me a doggy of greatness”, he thought to himself. So off he trundled off to the petshop. Run by Elvis-the-grumpy-munter, the petshop was the scariest shop in the whole of Drongoland. “I’d like to buy a doggy of greatness”, he said. With a strange sparkle from the pigmy nesting in his armpit, Elvis looked at Mike evillllllllly. “Mike, I’ve told you before (Mike had last been to see the-grumpy-munter 2 years before when his previous boyfriend, Zebidy-the-one-armed-yolky had left him for another…thingy), look at yourself!! You’re a milky tea-stain, you need a chicken, not a dog!!!!” “Oh, of course, how could I have been so stupid?? ...

Panasonic SLSX281 01/01/2002

What Can A Carrot Up The Ass Do For YOU

Panasonic SLSX281 Many, many years ago, in the Christmas of ‘oh one’, two bunnies did play with a fat guy called Tom. Anyway, after that Tom left and they all stopped playin. Suddenly, there was a loud crash and a carrot flew through the window, plugging itself half way up Bingo’s bum. To Bingo’s surprise, the alien object had miraculously given him the voice of an angel, and within a week the bunny had cut his first album and finished his first World Warren Tour. Now being a very famous bunny, it was time for him to leave the burrow and head for the bright lights of Disney. Bongo would truly miss him so, but as a goodbye present, Bingo game him a copy of his album and told him to play it every day to remind him of the good times they’d had. Alas my friend, with a wiff of a wiff and a sniff of a sniff, Bingo was gone. So in to his CD player the silver disc went. This was no ordinary CD player either!! This was the Panasonic SL-SX281C!!! With extra carrot juice!!! Nah, forget the carrot juice, but it was a pretty fine piece of equipment anyway. Retailing at around £75, Bongo had picked himself up a little beaut. It even came included with the bunnies favourite and most useful accessories - the in-car type stuff (cassette adapter thing (which didn’t work to start with but did eventually) as well as the cigarette lighter power adapter jobby). The whole thing is actually perfect for use in the car. With a 40 second anti-skip system, Bongo has driven ...

Windolene Window Cleaner 23/10/2001

The Scrogroat Slave

Windolene Window Cleaner “…….for I have found me a Grebbly.” Said Friginell, the wondering Afghan hound trapped in a gnomes body. The Grebbly sat up with a stumped look of confusion slapped across his choppers. “What the flippy flip are you on dude?? I belong to the Scrogroat Lord - the guy over there with the fat head. His name’s B-J-E-E-E. Who are you and what do you want with my grebbles??” Frigginell, having found that his once in a lifetime ‘thing of all things’ could actually talk, was pretty much… you could say…. what would be a good word? ‘Flippin’ what the by-thunder almighty’?? “You can talk?? Why can you talk?? I had an Inguami dog. He couldn’t talk. Why can you talk?? Huh huh huh??” Head bobbing forwards, towards the poor Grebbly with each word he threw. There was a brief pause before he swiped out his next truly brilliant line of interrogation. “HUH?? Can you clean windows too??” “Oh aye laddy, coarse I can. Me and Mr WINDOLENE are buds of goodness. Why dya ask??” “Well, I met a monkey earlier and he was having a few filth problems. Not only are his windows covered in mucky slime, a fly died on his tap, and his TV got spat on by a hamster. He needs a cleaner, and YOU Mr Grebbly, seem perfect. If you agree to this job, I will forget that I am here to capture you and sell ya to the ‘Apple Pie Mongoose Man’. Do we have a ...

Vanish Stain Remover 15/10/2001

Melvin And The Goat

Vanish Stain Remover Melvin was a menace. His long short straight curly blue hair, his pigs breath, his runny testicle, the way he ate his teachers, and…….loads of other stuff. “A naughty boy” I’d say. Anyway, it was one of those days when the sun came up, and then quite a while later, went down again. Melvin had decided that he wanted to be more like his mum. He’d given up on his dad since the Elephant stole his weenie, way back in 69. “I’m gonna bake me some bread”, he thought. All the ingredients were nearly ready……. << This will eventually go somewhere. Please don’t stop reading >> …..all he had to do was safely get them down from the top shelf, using nothing but his stumpy legs for height gain. But what a disaster. Oh no oh no OH NOOOOOO!!! A fat pile of crashing and banging commenced. The oil went here, the ketchup went there, the snail on the bottom shelf was totally annihilated by a raw egg which violently fell from the chickens roost on the 3rd one up, and THEN, a snake spat in Melvins eye, rendering him blind with only half a gumdrop. The kitchen was a mess. The bread would never be baked and all Melvin was gonna receive from his loving mother was a can of whoop-ass. So, it was up to Grenville the goat to save the day. Trotting goat style to the sink, he reached down and grabbed a handy VANISH thing. Being a clever goat, he had been born with an in built knowledge bank just behind ...

Ciao Terminology 08/10/2001


Ciao Terminology Hello chums, my name is stinky. I am a weasel. I am 6 years old and I have just got the hang, in the last 2 minutes, of this thing that my jolly friend Ben calls a keyboard. Having such a soup-perbly formed, brain filled head, I’ve been secretly watching him on this Ciao thing for a little while now. On the odd occasion I’ve even slipped a few of my ‘special pills’ in to his tea - the ones that allow me to take control of his poor minute little brain and make him do weird stuff. < Cheeky grin > Anyway, my point is; you gibbering fools, that I have tricked you before (in to thinking that I (a weasel) am Ben (the hornbilled mongoose)), and I will trick you again, but at this moment in time, I’M gonna write this op damn you, and YOU’RE gonna like it!!!!! Ok?? Firstly, I must apologise. I appreciate that that was a bad start to my first ever individual ‘OP’ (my OPINION – review – magical story (not highly recommended, but that never stopped Benjamin Bogbrains did it?!)) My weasely ways have got me far. Not many of you will yet know it, but in the next……. I’ll get on with it now actually. My friends, I am here to help you. Despite the fact that I am pure NEWBIE (new to the site), let not the wind stop the cattle from grazing!!! A writer like Benjamin Bogbrains obviously deserves the occasional ABUSivE attack on his style (of which he has none). But, however, the ABUSE that occurs ...

Pole Elastic Future 06/10/2001


Pole Elastic Future Since I started squashing snails professionally in 1939, I’ve done a whole lot of good stuff. The finest one ever ever ever would be my decision to use this FUTURE stuff, instead of the P.I. (Preston Innovations) or ZIM that was available at the time. The year was 1993. My ship had just returned from my ‘home planet’ visit and I was in desperate need of a salad sandwich. While I was skipping home, a voice in my head said to me that I should, next time I went fishing, use a pole. A ‘pole’ to you dear readers, is basically a long rod without a reel attached. The line is fixed straight to the end via a little plastic connector. When playing big fish, they inevitably don’t actually WANT to be yanked out of the water (blimey I’m cruel), so in order to actually land them and not let them get away, a shock absorbing system is required to fight back against their strong pulls. This is done by the angler threading a length of elastic (normally around 2m) through the top couple of sections of the carbon ‘pole’. This elastic pulls out from the inside of the pole as the fish pulls, meaning that it can run against the elastics resistance and tire itself (before the fisher dude pulls him in). Different strengths of elastic are available. When fishing for bigger fish you obviously need a stronger elastic. Since I began my (boring I know) fishing exploits many many years ago, elastic development has gone quite a long way. ...

Guess Who? 01/10/2001

14 Nasal Hairs

Guess Who? When the moon goes down, the sun comes up and the pilgrims make their beds, you know I’m talkin’ sh*te again. Anyway, I’ve been meaning to write this op for years so nothings gonna stop me!! NOTHING!! YOU HEAR ME?? NOTHIIIIING!!!! HA H AHA HA AHAN |UAGHUIOA HUI AY*( AIO!!!!! Guess who, for the thicko’s out there, is a game. A game of 2 halves, where individual battles are fought and won. Where dignity can be easily lost and gizatrons can get broken. Ideally suited to children of the older bracket, a toddler stands not a chance of claiming supremacy, while a clever soul may prosper and gloat. In human terms that means that the game is not your conventional one. There are 2 boards - one blue and one red. Your 2 players or your 2 teams pick one each. Each board cleverly holds a number of flip back personalities that are all positioned in an upright posture until the game gets underway. The only other contents of the Guess Who box are the picture cards which hold replica portraits of the people on the 2 identical (apart from colour) boards. Each player picks a card before the start of the game and, keeping the identity of the person on it hidden and secret, play can begin……. “Is yours one of those womany things Fatty??” “Nope, fraid not Chum.” Having magically discovered that the person on Fatty’s card is not a woman, he flips all of the women on his board down so that he can’t see them ...

Members Advice on Tea Addiction 28/09/2001

Gimme Tea Ya Bastard

Members Advice on Tea Addiction What a thing to be writing about. Its gotta be the ideal opportunity after my last boring effort to redeem myself as a the king of plebs. So, tea addiction huh?? Huh huh?? What’s all that about then huh?? Well my Granny once said to me; “Ben, if you ever eat too many cabbages, don’t blow your nose!!” So I said “Ok Gran,” and had a cup of tea. Tea tea tea tea. Yummy yum yum. Actually it doesn’t taste of much really does it?! When you think about it, this whole addiction thing doesn’t actually make much sense – it’s not really very nice (in a normally nice way). DAMN YOU CAFFEINE MONSTER!!! (He’d have been a good one on Sesame Street). Luckily for me (cos I hate it – if I did I’d be stuffed), its coffee that holds a more substantial dose of the stuff though. Still, tea (made with a tea bag) contains 45 to 75 mg of caffeine (green tea contains 24 – 48 mg and apparently herb tea contains no caffeine at all) compared to as much as 280mg in an 8oz cup of coffee (drip coffee contains between 88 and 280 mg; percolated contains between 27 and 64 mg). However, I digress. Talking to Father Christmas yesterday, I explained how I thought my addiction was ruining my ability to write in a normally humane fashion. Ben: Father Christmas, my tea drinking habits are ruining me. Have you read that ‘Nubile Neddy’ op of mine yet?? Bonkers!! It’s the tea I tell ya!! The tea!! I ... 28/09/2001

Sweeties For You In the hope of giving the website something that I normally do not, I’ve decided to write a decently normal opinion, full of information and highly critical points (difficult on something so perfect), resulting in the most useful thing wot I ever did rite. If you’re bored already, then my answer to your well thought out question of: “Should I be using IncrediMail??” A DEFINITE YES!! It is what they say – THE NEW EMAIL EXPERIENCE, changing the look of email. Check out the website at and work it out for yourself. It’s very easy. For those who want to read on I shall continue……. IncrediMail is a fully free as a bean email client which is kind of like Outlook Express. You go to the website, download the 4.66mb thingy (after viewing their fancy demo if you like) which took me about 30 minutes, and run through the very simple set up process. EASY!! Once you’ve done that, you will be the very proud owner of a very fun, very colourful, very reliable, very original email account that sits on your task bar (rounded orange envelope) just begging to be opened. When I said EASY above, for me that might have been a slight over exaggeration, but for others who’re used to setting up POP3 accounts, it really will be. I’m not sure if I quite chose the easiest route, but this is what I did: Wanting to use my Yahoo address, but only getting IncrediMail to work with my ISP address (which is ...

Fox Hunting 26/09/2001

Glossary At End

Fox Hunting Last week, my house played host to the biggest and bestest argument ever!!! In the blue corner we had my pet fox………ummmmm…….Foxy. In the red, we had 6 times ‘My House’ banana eating champion……..THE CAT (real name unknown). After yet another major disagreement over how much food they should put in my bowl, THE CAT soon had Foxy outside, ready to do battle. Over dosing on carbohydrates though from all the bananas, THE CAT had Foxy on the run from the word GO!! The FEAR in Foxy’s eyes was unforgettable… getting given your first ever £5 note. Not quite in the same way though. Foxy was sooooo scared that even my black heart went out to him as he tripped and fell over the hedge. With tears in his eyes and a nasty limp, he still battled on. “Don’t get me CAT……pleeeeeeease!!!” the poor little thing squealed as pussy gained. THE CAT, believe it or not is actually a kind hearted fluffy animal with great respect for the countryside. So why is it that he chases poor Foxy with such BRUTAL intentions in mind?? Was there more to their argument than I understood?? Had Foxy been stealing bones from CATS friend, DOG?? Whatever was up here, the arguments for and against were probably there on both sides (but just between you and me at this point, I agree more with Foxy). In Foxy’s defence, if he has been stealing from DOG, it is probably because he left his ...

Fairy Washing Up Liquid 23/09/2001

Nubile Neddy

Fairy Washing Up Liquid I have just realised, oh my wizzy flip, that despite the natural force that drives me to write about washing up liquids, I still haven’t given the oh so heavenly ruler its mention. So here goes….. There was this dude. His name was Nubile Neddy. He was a mucky pup. With 3 vibrating gizatrons (huh??). And a ferret down his pants. One day Neddy was playing in the garden with the pixies. It was a really sunny day so they decided to have a barbecue. Everything was going well until Neddy realised that he’d forgotten to buy new toilet roll and someone’s Granny had just popped in to use the dunny. Sensing the emergency, he jumped up double quick and started off in the direction of the closest gun shop. << Insert your own horrible reason for him going to the gun shop. I’ve got one but I don’t want to risk offending people >> In the dash, a bowl of sauce was upset all over his tight leather trousers, a bird pooh on his head at the same time he fell head first in to the dogs bowl. Still, a trip to the shops was still necessary to save the Granny’s embarrassment. While he was there, his left gizatron pointed violently towards a bottle of washing up liquid. “Ooooooooohh (high pitched girly style), that looks nice,” he said. The stuff with which his eye had now become associated was contained within a clear plastic bottle with a red flip back cap. The big fat red writing gave away the brand name of FAIRY, and the ...

Boss 6 Drawer Compact Seatbox 18/09/2001

Ok, I Am Mad, But I Must Have Been Craaaazy

Boss 6 Drawer Compact Seatbox Sorry folkie dolkies, back from France and ready to bore. The seat box is an unusual thing designed by an iguana called Perry. Well, he might have been called Jim or Ralph and he may even have been human, but what he/she/iguana came up with was a useful piece of kit which combines itself as both something to sit your flabby bum on, as well as somewhere to store your bits’n’bobs (eye of newt, tongue of donkey etc – maybe even some fishing tackle?!). The oldies out there will most commonly remember these as a simple wicker basket. For many years they did the job in a splendidly way. Over the past 15 years or so though (being a relative youngen I’m just guessing), seat boxes first went plastic (which a lot of cheaper ones still are today) and then they went glass fibre, wood and metal (aluminium mostly). The BOSS box, since the humble company beginnings around 10 years (ish) ago, hasn’t actually changed much. The boxes basically look the same, are made to the same exceptionally high standards, and prices haven’t really changed *that* much. Every angler has different needs (Yep, it true!! We don’t all just sit there doing exactly the same thing). Companies like BOSS obviously understand this and their range of products is set out to give the anglers what they need. For example, my box has: (I’ll explain all of this in a bit more detail in a minute). • A pole seat • Winder Tray • 6 Drawers – ... 30/08/2001

BJEEE Loses It In Loopy Land An Elf called Loopyooplooopyoopa was strolling through a cabbage patch one day when he saw a tummy-button lying in the grass. Bending down to get a closer look, he noticed strangity. “AAAAAAAAAARRRGH, its got teeEEEETH”, he screamed as he started to leg it towards the tuna and cucumber sandwiches. Unlucky for him, it was no more than a flemmy spit of a second before he’d been gobbled up by the tummy-button and he found himself in a magical new World. “THIS WAY TO MYOWNEMAIL LAND” a sign said with a big pointy arrow. Minus an arm and a leg, he looked quite funny as he hopped down a winding staircase heading signwards. At the bottom of the stairs was a gate. Tired from hopping, Loopyooplooopyoopa leant against it to rest. OI!!”, said a voice. “What’s ya name??” “Who said that??” “Its me, the gate.” replied the voice. “You’ve got to get through me before you can enter MyOwnEmail Land. Anyone can enter, as long as they answer my questions first. If I like you, which I will, then I will grant you free access to my Kingdom and you’ll be able to make full use of the facilities I hide.” (sign up is very user friendly). “What facilities?” said Loopyooplooopyoopa. “Well to be honest,” replied the gate, “We can’t give you much that you wouldn’t already find in another magical World like the one across the ... 30/08/2001

Stay Away From Me Soggy If I ever meet a donkey called Soggy and he talks of a dream he has which involves catching fishies, I’d tell him that I know a place. A place far far away, where the bunnies skip free and the slugs play poker. A place where his worries will be over and he will indeed catch some of those fishies. I’ll say “Soggy, get yer laptop and plonk ya bum down here my son!!” Then I’d put my finger in the air and establish myself a temporary finger-induced-network-connection, while he types in (West Midlands Angling Centre). Once there I can imagine that he’ll be slightly impressed by the look of the site. Only slightly though because it really is nothing special to be honest. I’ll assure him though, that for a site of this type (FISHING), the way it’s been designed is perfectly adequate and the simple blue/red/white colour scheme and the side mounted menu does the job nicely. He’ll probably be a bit annoyed when he keeps getting error messages coming up saying that pages can’t be found, but then I’ll just tell him to click it again, and it’ll always work the second time. I can imaging him being slightly miffed by it all though. He might even pull one of those right lip, left brow donkey frowns. You never know. Like any self-respecting donkey, he’ll probably first head for the luggage section (so that he ahs something to carry his apple and blackberry crumbles around ...
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