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since 09/12/2000


Samsung SGH T100 08/04/2003

A cat, a rat and a very clever Dog 'n' Bone.

Samsung SGH T100 If I had a cat that weighed 41 pounds, I’d be sick at myself, even ON myself. The fact that I DO is a great excuse for my sick covered hair feet and hands. “Where did all that sick come from Bennyboy?” they ask. “I’ve got a fat cat.” “Oooooooooooooh” they say. “……….GET AWAY FROM ME!!!” Not an entirely true story I must admit, but can you see the inventive symbolism in there?? The moral of my story?? Old McDonald was a monkey. Are you even listening to what I’m saying??? << Never had this trouble when I lived in the sewers!! Least the rats listened to me! >> When I came out of the sewers though, I got one of these phones. All of a sudden people started ignoring the fact that I was covered in vomit……ok, that was a lie, and instead of calling me ‘SickAndDisgustingBoy’ they started calling me ‘ PonceyFilthMan’. Which is much nicer I think?! Its all silver and curvy and makes me look like a right woman (therefore, more intelligent  ), but I don’t care. I’ve only ever had Nokia’s before and just fancied a change. “The menu’ll be fiddley” people did say. “It’ll cost you loads” they did say. “It’ll fall apart in a week” they did say. “You’re a bunch of wombats!!” I did say – followed by a triple back-flip out of the office window of coarse. Instead of taking the usual boring route here, I’m going to spare you the silly facts and tell you simply what’s good and what’s not about this phone; the real reasons you should have one, or the reason it ...

Fiction 21/03/2002


This is a little story I wrote. I’ve changed a few names (‘which is why its in fiction’) to hide the identity of the tea-stain involved but apart from that its 100%, maybe even 200% true. Anyway, it go go goes something a little like this: It was a sunny day in Drongoland. As the birds sung… “….tweet tweet tweet tweeeeeet, you’re dead wormhead, oh yeeeah!! Tweeeeeeeeet….” …the trees rustled in the warm (but a bit cold) breeze. Mike-the-milky-tea-stain was just setting out on a pleasurable walk in the park. Despite the nice weather though, Mike wasn’t having such a happy happy joy of day day. His boyfriend, Gandolf-the-runny-fluffbrain, had just left him due to problems of the fluffy type. So he was very sad. However, he had an idea brewing. A new companion was what he needed and he had the perfect solution. “I’ll get me a doggy of greatness”, he thought to himself. So off he trundled off to the petshop. Run by Elvis-the-grumpy-munter, the petshop was the scariest shop in the whole of Drongoland. “I’d like to buy a doggy of greatness”, he said. With a strange sparkle from the pigmy nesting in his armpit, Elvis looked at Mike evillllllllly. “Mike, I’ve told you before (Mike had last been to see the-grumpy-munter 2 years before when his previous boyfriend, Zebidy-the-one-armed-yolky had left him for another…thingy), look at yourself!! You’re a milky tea-stain, you need a chicken, not a dog!!!!” “Oh, of course, how could I have been so stupid?? ...

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