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since 20/07/2005


Is compensation culture out of control? 16/08/2006

STUPIDITYISM & CAPITALISM - nonsensical gibberish

Is compensation culture out of control? 'Compensate the stupid and the rich for it is they who will pass through the eye of a camel and enter the kingdom of god with a needle.' (A well known quote from The Bible) ............... ............... ........ Compensation culture is an essential and unavoidable ideological development is the Western world. Capitalism could never be sustained without it and the progression of stupidityism would be greatly hindered. The right to claim compensation is older than the right to freedom of speech, assembly, religion and all the rest. Only now are we fully embracing this wonderous mechanism for wealth accumulation. A few years ago, my mentor and financial advise guru (and accident compensation soliciter) told me of an ancient legend of which I was unfamiliar. The legend is cherished by the militants in the accident compensation racket and regularly recited over brandy and cigars. Long, long ago, when The People were still fighting for their Right to Claim Compensation, a courageous woman (apparently she was the brave leader of the Right to Claim Benefits movement and a founding member of the stupidityism society) lunched in a well-known fast food restaurant. Upon ordering a cup of coffee and paying for it with her job seeker's allowance, she promptly spilt the scalding hot drink over herself. That poor creature! How was she to know that the coffee would be hot? She acted in accordance with the principles of her beloved stupidityism and tipped the drink over her head ...

Should cannabis be legalised? 28/08/2005

Is it my turn to skin up? I can't remember

Should cannabis be legalised? 'Mother of God, I'm stoned' I slur before reaching for the skins and proceeding to roll another fat spliff 'Good shit this'. 'Aye' is the lazy reply from my friend, the Monkey, who is sat across the room with his colouring book, filling its pages with felt-tip images of wacky people against a back drop of what appears to be the lake district. A Fawlty Towers episode is playing on the television. Despite having witnessed Basil's goose stepping a thousand times before, I howl with laughter and light up the newly assembled joint before throwing it over to the artist in the corner of the room. Somewhere in the distance, maybe even the otherside of town, I hear the sound of a door opening and closing. A moment later my girlfriend ambles into the apartment, obviously knackered and irate after a hard day in the corporate rat race. She slumps down in an armchair and the monkey passes her the joint. She begins to complain about the pains of her day at the office....'godamn this and godamn that'.... but soon settles down after a few tokes on the medicine stick. Fawlty Towers is turned down to make way for some music - Pink Floyd - at my girlfriend's request. We talk, listen, smoke, philosophise, smoke some more, laugh, joke, relax. The room is warm and bright and unthreatening. Nothing exciting is happening within this enclosure but the room is filled with an air of satisfaction. Over on the coffee table sits the bag of weed, an illegal and unequivocally evil substance. ...

Do you believe in life after death? 23/07/2005

I wanna party with The Devil

Do you believe in life after death? Friday night, 10pm and I'm stuck in this god forsaken apartment with nothing but a tin of dried tobacco and a few renegade rizlas for company. Outside, in the murderous streets of Manchester, I can hear the jubilant screams of revelers descending on the city centre bars, clubs and restaurants. Due to unforeseen financial circumstances (no job and debts that would scare Bono and Bob Geldof) I'm stranded in my flat, reminiscing about times of affluence when there was whiskey in my jar and pot in my pipe. So here I am, having just discovered the Ciao Cafe and with little else to do but tread water in a sea of self-pity, I'm going to tackle the cheery question of: 'Is there life after death?' In 1997, a million or so sobbing cretins thought there was no life after Princess Diana but here we are, eight years later. Predictions forcasting the end of the world are multitudinous in human history yet the dates of the forseen armageddon have passed and mankind still wreaks havoc on mother earth. For us several billion that inhabit the planet, it appears that the only way to educate oneself about the afterlife is to actually die and find out. But that is no solution. Life is precious and even when I'm sitting here depressing about my poor state of affairs, death is my only true fear. But still we want to know. The bible tells us that we'll rise as the children of god in the kingdom of heaven but what fun is that going to be? No drugs, no strip joints, no casinos, probably no ...

Poker 22/07/2005

Online Poker - The latest way to make a million

Poker The sweat drips from my forehead, splashing onto the immaculate green felt as I nervously take another peek at my cards. Fuck. One-eyed Freddie just came right back at me, raising my initial 20k bet by a hundred grand. Are my kings good? I glance at Freddie, hoping the contours of his menacing face will give me a read on his hand but I am greeted with an ice cold stare. He's giving nothing away. What could he have? I switch my stare over to the darkened corner of the room, searching for inspiration in the shadows but all I get is a feeling of dread. He's got me beat, I know it. I disenchantingly pick up my cards, finger them for a further couple of seconds then toss them towards the centre of the table. They land face up and Freddie sees my pair of kings. A broad smile breaks out from his hardened poker face and instantly I know it. The dirty bastard just relieved me of 20k on nothing more than a stone cold bluff. 'Nice Bluff' I tell him and try to appear unfazed but I can tell I just lost the respect of the other players seated around the table. Inside, I'm burning with rage and frustration. 'I'll make him pay for that' I tell myself, 'I'll make him pay for that............... ...' Beep Beep Beep I awake to the sound of the alarm, reverberating over from my computer speakers, reminding me that it's my turn to act in the $5 internet poker tournament that I just enrolled in. Reaching across, I move the mouse cursor over the 'fold' option and swiftly return to dreamworld, ...

Amsterdam in general 21/07/2005

A Backpacker's Paradise-Hookers,Drugs and Bananas

Amsterdam in general Following on from my National Express review, I thought it appropriote to write an article about the numerous times I've spent in Amsterdam as I usually make the journey by coach. A short review on Ciao is insufficiuent for a large bohemian metropolitan so I wish to concentrate on the Red Light District, an area that has become my second home in Europe. If you are considering a first time trip to Amsterdam or are a seasoned traveller and frequent visitor to the home of Rembrandt and Anne Frank, I hope that my collection of stories, advice, descriptions and general rambling will help you in some way. Amsterdam is graced by my paranoid presence once a year, usually when I've come into an ample amount of somebody else's money, i.e. student loan. Well what the hell did you think I was gonna spend it on? Books? As previously mentioned, I suffer the intolerable hell of allowing Eurolines Coaches to transport me but for roughly £65 return from London I'm not about to complain. Just remember to take a bottle of scotch or an 8 pack of Special Brew lager to help you sleep. For you rich bastards, you can take the train or plane. In fact, if you book a few months prior to departure, you can get a return plane journey for around £30 to £40 but this really doesn't fit in with my natural spontaneous instincts. The Red Light District is a two minute walk from Central train station. Flush with hotels, hostels, sex shops, takeaways, hookers in windows (obviously), coffee shops, ...

National express 21/07/2005

Suicide anyone?

National express Being a tax dodging, pot noodle eating, pot smoking, drunkard student, I obviously need a mode of transport that is kind to my debt ridden bank account. In the case of National Express Coaches, I am quite content to forsake my sanity, spinal column and general allround happiness in favour of a few extra quid in my pocket when I arrive at my destination. If you're reading this review then I assume you have a journey to make and are considering National Express to get you where you need to be. As a surviving veteran of numerous coach trips from hell (and a few even worse), I feel that you might want to listen up while I take you through the pros and cons. National Express - The disadvantages of coach travel Firstly, you really need to consider issues of personal space. If you're pushing 20 stone then forget it, your ass ain't going nowhere on a National Express, unless you can hijack the middle seat, right at the back (you know which one I'm talking about). The cramped conditions of coach travel will push even the most anorexic of people to their mental limits. And don't even think about walking down the isle to stretch your legs like you might on a plane or train, you'll trip over somebody's bag, foot, body or head and sprain your ankle. That will leave you cursing yourself for not taking out the National Express travel insurance (for a small fee), hell, you might as well have gone by train. The next setback to consider are the toilets. As the driver will happily tell ...

The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown 20/07/2005

Christianity, Hookers and Jesus Junior

The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown Not another Da Vinci Code review? Yes, unfortunately it is, but I am using this opportunity to try and harness and organise my own thoughts on the book. However, read through if you can take any more and maybe you will find something interesting about the biggest publishing phenomenon since JK Rowling ruined the planet with Harry fucking Potter. Religious leaders yield far too much power in modern day society. Those who refrain from using the bible or other sacred scripts as a step-by-step guide to living their daily existence quietly respect the power of religion whilst wishing it would stay the hell out of thier business. Or, on the other hand, you might be an atheist like me and be completely morally corrupt. Thats why I like the premise behind Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code. For those of you who have been camping in the woods this past year or so, The Da Vinci Code embraces the religious conspiracy of The Bloodline of Christ. Conspirators across the world (and presumably Dan Brown) believe that Jesus might have had his dirty way with Mary Magdalene, spawning a Jesus Junior. Junior got busy himself and today the descendants of Christ are walking the earth, thier identities protected by a secret society. That's the story anyway. Unsurprisingly, this alternative Christian history has ruffled a few feathers in the church thus leading to huge media exposure and the reason why a semi-talented writer like Brown is now far richer than a very talented writer like me. The ...
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