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Oh how they make me laugh, the serious types.

Reviews written

since 28/02/2012


Cookingtime Banana Guard 26/12/2013

Bananas are not only for Tu Bishvat

Cookingtime Banana Guard What is it Hello peeps and sincere apologies for my long term absence on this site – real life took over and I was forced to confront some unpleasant events during the latter part of this year, but now I hope I am back to my usual fine fettle. What is this Jasper writes about now, I hear you gasp? Well, peeps, it is a guard to protect one of our most delicate of fruits – the humble banana. The path to excellence is by way of God’s ‘fruit of the ground’ rather than His ‘fruit of the tree’. This quite and unassuming little fruit requires protection against life’s hard knocks and this is where I introduce you to …….. the Banana Guard. What do I think of it I believe it is essential to protect your banana at all times. There is nothing more disturbing or unsettling than a grey and bruised banana. In Jewish wisdom, there is a principle known as, “according to the effort is the reward and the pleasure.” Therefore I say MAKE the effort peeps, and pop your delicate and fragile fruit into this cosy and protective casing, which will clip shut and prevent it from tumbling around inside your bag. I have used protection for my banana for some considerable time now and feel that it has its rewards in terms if a better and firmer fruit which shows no signs of knocks or of being violently thrown against the inside of my haversack. £5 is all it costs so make the effort, I say, and ensure the one you purchase is from Cookingtime as there are cheaper and inferior alternatives out ...

Homedics BB50 07/08/2013

Ah, the spa that looks like a bed pan

Homedics BB50 Why Did I buy it Well peeps, I bought this for Mother as she complains incessantly that her feet are tired and sore. As a good Jewish son, I like to keep my Mother happy and so I indulged her fantasies and presented her with the HoMedics BB50 Bubble mate Luxury Foot Bubbler With Heat. I would have purchased a more expensive model, but as I made this purchase back in 2006 I didn’t have a great deal of disposable income back then and as Comic-con was looming – I needed al the spare cash I could muster. This cost me the grand sum of £32.00. No doubt it costs more these days. What do I think of it We both think the same. It’s pretty rubbish, really. Unfortunately, inordinately large feet run in or family. I take a size 12 shoe and Mother takes a size 8. Sadly, this foot spa does not accommodate those of us who God has endowed with larger than average sized feet. There is no room to maneuver, shall we say. Mother suffers from March Foot which causes painful swelling due to excessive foot strain during the war, the foot spa was intended to help ease her painful symptoms – in fact, it possibly makes them worse. It is designed, they say, to stimulate the surface of the foot – the sole. It doesn’t so much stimulate as hurt the foot. If your feet were not painful and sore before use of this ridiculous contraption, then be assured they will be afterwards. We have tried to sell this item at a car boot sale but not one person was interested. It sits under the dresser in ...

Babyliss 5548U/5548GU 04/08/2013

Ha hair ha

Babyliss 5548U/5548GU How would I survive without my BaByliss 5548U Dry and Curl 2100W Hair Dryer. Useful for so many purposes and not just drying and styling. I have typical Jewish hair, as does Mother. I call it a ‘Jewfro’ – Mother terms it an ‘Isro’ (Israel and Afro). Either way, we have Jewish Afro hair. “Thy hair is as a flock of goats”, says our Rabbi. Jewish hair is distinctive hair. Its very nature is mentioned as early as Biblical times when it describes the hair of Hebrews as “ black and thick”. Jewish hair is considered to be a sign of strength and considered beautiful. I am often complimented by Mother and others for my beautiful characteristic Jewish locks. As a young man growing up in the Jewish community, I was often perplexed as to why I had not been gifted with long sleek shiny hair, and was lumbered instead as darker hued Art Garfunkel look alike. He was admired for his puffy locks – I was not. I decided at the age of 15 that I was indeed forever blessed with the wiry look. As we have a lot of hair between us, Mother and I require a special sort of dryer – and ours is the BaByliss 5548U Dry and Curl 2100W model. At £14.99 and with a powerful 2100watts, this is a breeze to use. I use this dryer on a daily basis, not only to dry and style my own locks, but those of Mother, particularly on Thursday afternoons, in preparation for her Bridge night with friends. The cord is long and stretches across the room from a socket at the other end of the dining room, thus enabling us ...

Yiddishe Mama - Jewish Folk Songs - Various Artists 13/03/2013

Mamma, I'm Jewish - I salute the Custard Cream

Yiddishe Mama - Jewish Folk Songs - Various Artists Why did I buy it Mother’s Day! I bought this with my Mother in mind. Twenty-three tracks of Yiddish folk songs. I knew this would put a smile on her face, and it did. The album cost me £8 and though it is not exactly what I’d choose to listen to, some of the tracks nevertheless conjure up memories of my childhood for me, especially the ones that sound like the Berlin cabaret songs from the 1920’s. “A makeh unter yenems orem iz nit shver tsu trogen”, as my Aunt Batsheva often used to say. I knew this album would be a moving experience for Mother as many of the songs make reference to the Holocaust. Mother speaks and understand Yiddish and as such, this album calls out to her heart. Jasper knows how to please a woman, especially his Mother. She has trained him well. The songs are from various artistes and there is a good variety of mix within this poignant album, which takes the listener on an emotional and heartrending journey through Yiddish culture. The track list includes: 1. Yiddishe Mamme (Yoselle Rosenblatt) 2. Rozinkes Mit Mandlen (Jan Peerce) 3. Romania,Roumania Aaron Lebdeff) 4. Dona Dona (Moisha Oysher & Solomon Secunda) 5. Voyl Iz Der Mammen (Alexander Olshanetsky & His Orchestra) 6. In Shtedtele Nikolayev (David Medoff) 7. Misirlu (Seymour Rechzeit) 8. Whoopee (Peisachke Burstein) 9. Sha, Sha Der Rebi Geht (Morris Goldstein) 10. Inzer Rebin's Vunder (Dora Bowshower) 11. Oyfen Weig Stelt A Boym (Ben Tzion Witler) 12. Gevald! Di Bananas (David ...

Peak Body PRO 50 Protein Bar 10/03/2013

Too much chicken can be the death of a good Jewish boy

Peak Body PRO 50 Protein Bar Why Do I buy these I buy these because of my lifestyle. I am an active sort of chap. My mind is possibly more active than my body but I am full of good intentions. I do not have the physique of a powerful body builder or the muscles of an Adonis but a chap can dream. I dream a lot, mainly of Gloria Chapman. Often I need extra food to keep me going during the day, even after I have eaten the packed lunch Mother has prepared for me, I still find I can flag in the middle of the afternoon as I am gazing over the photocopier and secretly eyeballing Gloria filing her talons at the reception desk. She is not a good Jewish girl however, and Jasper must learn to reign in his desires. Mother would not be happy if I took Gloria home. I eat a lot to compensate for my lack of sex and lack of romance. I am attempting to lose weight, and have been doing so since the turn of 2013. Thus far I have gained 4lbs since January 2nd 2013. This is not going in the right direction. In an attempt to lose weight I also eat Peak Body Pro 50 Protein Bars. They help to fill my belly with protein and good nutrients and keep me in peak physical performance and help to sustain me long into the night as I read by head torch about Jewish lesbian erotica. Such is my life at present. I digress What do I think of them They are pleasant tasting enough though hardly filling. Not sweet enough for the taste buds of this chap, though something to get my teeth into and help to distract me from Gloria and her ...

Lucozade Caffeine Lemon Boost 07/03/2013

Ah, it gives me the Edge

Lucozade Caffeine Lemon Boost Why do I buy it: It’s an energy drink – I love energy drinks and I especially like to try out new energy drinks I haven’t tasted before. I am an energy drink addict. I have bought this drink in both the powder form and also in the ready-made 500ml plastic sports bottle. I am a chap who needs his energy drinks as I feel that they do indeed enhance my physical and mental performance. It’s also loaded with caffeine and caffeine is my daily staple. I don’t rock in a caffeine-free zone and without it I soon suffer from withdrawal symptoms, such as lethargy, muscle pains and even low moods. My mood stabilizing drugs work best when used in conjunction with a high caffeine based drink, and This one is one of the best in terms of effectiveness and ability to act FAST !! Oh , Yes! It’s caffeine, sugar and lots of lovely sweeteners in the BEST isotonic drink ever known to mankind. What do I think of it: I can focus better when I drink this delicious lemon flavoured sweet drink. I become revived and restored and I am a new man and it gives me energy and pizzazz. It tastes artificial, there is no doubt about that, but hey, the results speak for themselves. I can dance all night with a bottle or two of this before I leave for a night at my local discothèque. No holds barred, peeps, I go for it, and I go for it BIG time. I’m out to impress and lets just say this drink helps me to achieve my aims. It makes a difference to my performance all right. You don’t have to be a world-class ...

Milo Energy Drink 27/02/2013

Mother's Milo

Milo Energy Drink Why did I buy it: I didn’t. Mother bought this can of Milo which is advertised as an energy drink for some reason on Ciao! and yet I have only ever taken this drink when I felt ill, under par, sorry for myself, been caught out in the rain and am feeling cold or to cheer myself up. It is much like Horlicks and Ovaltine and full of good vitamins and minerals. It is the drink of winners. Two rather vigorous and robust looking basket ball players are illustrated on the front of the tine, though I cannot think why they would choose to drink Milo before a such a strenuous sporting event as this sends a person to sleep I no time at all. It is the drink of my young teenage years when Mother would stick a steaming cup in front of me and declare, “You may be average Jasper, but always remember you have me as a Mother”. She makes me weep. What do I think of it: It’s a comforting drink which reminds me of years gone by. I still have it now during winter months and times when I feel lonely and sad or I feel in need of a vitamin rush. It has no artificial colours or flavours and I consider this to be a good point. It is nice when served with pigs in blankets. In our home, pork is prohibited but pigs in blankets make nice hors d'oeuvre, as Mother likes to point out. I like to have this drink made with hot milk or alternatively I add water if I am trying to save on my calorie intake. The slimming regime is not going so well, peeps. I continue to be the same weight since the ...

Rentokil Fly & Wasp Killer Spray 24/02/2013

Killer in a can

Rentokil Fly & Wasp Killer Spray A short review on Rentokil: Why did I buy it: A trip to the local garden centre with a Mother one sunny Sunday afternoon in July of last year resulted in my purchasing a can of Rentokil Fly and Wasp Killer. I had escorted Mother as she’s unable to drive herself and I had promised her a cream tea afterwards. The garden Centre is a wonderful place to lose yourself in, they now also stock eggs and various assortments of outdoor clothing. I purchased a Sherlock Holmes type hat and a pair of insoles for my Wellington boots. The cans of fly spray were situated next to the cat flea collars. The cost was £4.49 for a large 300ml sized aerosol can. There are pictures of dead flies on the front – one stands upright and the other lies flat on its back with its legs in the air. What do I think of it: It works, peeps, and it works fast. No longer do I have to chase around he living room with a rolled up piece of newspaper as Mother shouts at me, “Get the bastard, Jasper! Kill him”. One squirt is all it takes and immediately the insect begins to slow down. Two blasts and he’s dead – as a dodo. Usually I take no pleasure in killing living things, but flies are the exception to the rule. They carry disease and they spew on your food. This also works on wasps and even small mosquitoes. Watch them die!! Die, I say!!! It smells pleasant, considering it contains fairly lethal substances, including tetramethrin and permethrin. It smells not unlike one of Mother’s body ...

Sainsburys Blue Bolt Energy Drink 18/02/2013

I'm buzzing like a tomato

Sainsburys Blue Bolt Energy Drink Why did I buy it: I love energy drinks, peeps. I love them so much and I cannot get by without them. I love to try different ones and this was one I just had to see what it tasted like. I have tried the Blue Charge from Asda and this tastes very similar though it is stronger. It gives me a bit of a kick, which is my prime reason for consuming energy drinks. It was also inexpensive and as I didn’t have a great deal of cash on me as pay day was just around the corner, I decided to try this as it was only 95p for a 250ml tine. I also comes in litre sized bottles but I prefer to start off small with anything new! What did I think of it: Well, I liked it enough to go out and buy another one and another after I had consumed this. One can is enough for anyone though. I use it on its own but I also like to mix it with vodka for a full-blown effect. It is a HIGH VOLTAGE stimulation drink and it does what it says on the can! It’s impressive, it’s gassy, it’s gutsy it’s highly carbonated and fruity and t gets me through the day. It’s loaded with caffeine and taurine and B vitamins so it’s also good for me! The caffeine content is 30mg / 100ml. BEAT THAT! Obviously, it’s not suitable f you are pregnant or under age (such as 16) but as I’m neither of these, then I will continue to consume to my heart’s content. Scary biscuit! The ingredients are: Carbonated Water, Sugar, Glucose Fructose Syrup, Citric Acid, Taurine (0.4%), Glucoronolactone (0.24%), Acidity Regulator ...

Aries Ram Stud Action Cream 16/02/2013

No stud action here

Aries Ram Stud Action Cream Please do not read this if you are easily offended or you happen to be my Mother!!! Why did I buy it: I have a sexual partner. Rock On!! This is my second partner and she is a woman (I am not homosexual sort of chap). I am not boasting, simply stating a fact. With my previous partner I had sex only twice and then the relationship broke down. This was some considerable time ago and since then I have had to ‘go solo’, to speak. I have been so worked up a and anxious over having sex again with someone new as I do suffer from over excitement in the bedroom department and I am aware that this can be quite frustrating for the female in question. Not wishing to disappoint, and wanting to enhance my sexual performance and keep it going a little longer, I invested in some Double Strength Stud Cream. I was described as being “the world’s greatest cream for men”. There was a single strength formula option, but I decided that doubling the strength was possibly going to double the performance. What do I think of it: Hmm… mixed feelings, peeps, but on the whole, not brilliant. This was very easy to get hold of and I bought a 30g jar from Ebay for only £3.50. It came plainly packaged and was discreetly wrapped, so no-one was able to tell what it was. I was promised a mind-blowing performance but I’m not sure this was what I received, in all honesty. The contents of the jar looked as though they were ‘well settled’ when I first removed the twist off ...

Wanton Women: When Girls Get It Together - Miranda Forbes 09/02/2013

Ah, these wanton women

Wanton Women: When Girls Get It Together - Miranda Forbes Why did I buy it: Forever on the hunt for the perfect book on lesbian erotica, I happily stumbled across “Wanton Women: When Girls Get it Together”, by the lovely Miranda Forbes. The book was £2.99 in paperback and as I gently flicked through the pages I could see that this was right up my street, peeps. Oh yes. 208 pages of 20 short tales of highly erotic lusty lesbian ladies, enjoying one another’s bodies. My interest wasn’t the only thing that was aroused. I paid for my purchase and off I went to explore. Though possibly intended for any lesbian or bi-curious woman out there, this book of wanton women is also an eye popping opener for us full blooded purely heterosexual men. Kapow! What did I think of it: Can you guess? Ah yes, I loved it. I especially like the fact that it is broken into small stories and I am able to take my time and enjoy each one. I have mainly read this book whilst in the bath hence the pages are soggy and creased and bent and battered as I have read and re-read many of the tales over and over again. This book does not fail to titillate and it certainly does not disappoint. I was initially attracted to the front cover of the book which displays two rather attractive looking young females gently cupping one another’s mammaries. The lady at the front of the illustration wears rather fetching large misshapen pants (modest though still alluring) and you might be forgiven for thinking that the persoa cupping the breasts is a man– look ...

Friday the Rabbi Wore Lace (Jewish Lesbian Erotica) - Karen Tulchinsky 02/02/2013


Friday the Rabbi Wore Lace (Jewish Lesbian Erotica) - Karen Tulchinsky Why did I buy it: I’m Jewish. I love women and I am particularly interested in self-confessed GAY Jewish women. It was also cheap (in hardback) and cost only £1.99. No delivery charges, either! Its sounded erotic and I think I can justify reading this book as these are unclean Jewish woman who have strayed – they are Jewish, nevertheless. Jewish erotica is hard to find – I should know. This book was suggested to me by a very good friend during a Tanach study class. Having had my fill of Nevi'im and K'tuvim, I felt I could possibly treat myself with a little light obscene Jewish lesbian literature. Nothing wrong with that. Rock on! What Do I think of it: Well peeps, what can I say? “Friday the Rabbi Wore Lace” by Karen Tulchinsky is a collection of short stories from various authors. I expected the stories to be hot, to be sexy, to be hard core pornography. Sadly, this is not the case , my friends. The premise is promising, but it fails to deliver. One author tries to shock with her tale of two Jewish lesbian lovers inscribing the words “I love you” on one another’s chests with their own menstrual blood. Seriously scary biscuits here, peeps, and certainly not my idea of ‘erotic’. One author has an acutely disturbing obsession with nipples and another concentrates to an alarming degree on the variations of labia sizes and shapes. Oy gevolt !! Some of the stories are designed to be very tongue in cheek, with humour, heart and Chutzpah. “A religious Experience” was ...

The Back Passage - James Lear 27/01/2013

It was Mitch whodunnit - to everyone

The Back Passage - James Lear Why did I buy it: It looked intriguing, the title alone caught my eye and I enjoy a ‘whodunit’ type murder mystery but also like a bit of sexual shenanigans thrown in to liven things up a bit. It seemed the ideal read. I have been off work ill of late and Mother has been taking very good care of me and feeding me up as she always does. I have taken this past week to delve deeper into the mysterious world of the rampant polysexual. Truly eye popping peeps, and a real scary biscuit ! What do I think of it: Well, I loved it. I could read it again. It is light hearted, it has a plot (of sorts) and it is about sex and chapishness and Britishness and a good old murder-mystery to boot. Just the sort of thing a fellow needs to wile away the time while he’s convalescing. I slipped on the ice in the staff car park. Such is life. ‘The Back Passage’’ was written by James Lear and I have no idea if Mr Lear is in fact homosexual or not, but if he isn’t then he certainly knows a lot about this lifestyle and what makes a gay man tick. Now I know too. As I said, sacry biscuit. The reader will need to suspend reality to a large degree before reading this gay historical fiction, set in England 1925. It is Agatha Christie on Viagra. The chap is insatiable. He’s Hercules Poirot in a rampant Rabbi’s harem. The book was £3.99 and is in paperback. I have read it slowly and savoured every moment. This is hardcore sex at its best peeps. This is not for the fainthearted but is certainly my ...

Mrs. Bradley Mysteries (Music from the TV Series) - Various Artists 25/01/2013

The Strangeness

Mrs. Bradley Mysteries (Music from the TV Series) - Various Artists Why Did I buy it: I bought this for Mother some time back and I am pleased I bought it when I did as it is notoriously difficult (and expensive) to get hold of now. This is a CD version and was, at the time, one of Mother’s favourite murder-mystery type dramas we would watch together. A traditional charm-fest of chapishness. Oh how I laughed at the underlying humour and the obvious lusty glances of Mrs Bradley’s chauffeur, George Moody. This was the archetypal BBC television whodunit murder-mystery. All very silly but my, what a musical soundtrack this series has delivered. Toe tappingly delightful. I paid a mere £20 for the CD but now you will be expected to pay at least double, I would imagine. The series starred the very lovely Diana Rigg and Mother’s favourite male actor, Neil Dudgeon. The CD is a pleasure to listen to and one of Mother’s firm favourites. What do I think of it: I am surprised I liked the CD as much as I did. Mother and I have a similar taste in music anyway but this is CD contains a delightful selection of modern arrangements and vocalists and each and every track is a melody to treasure. Some of the recordings are the original ones and as such, they are possibly not as clear to the ear as the rearranged tracks. Nevertheless, this does not in any way detract from this musical ensemble of period classics Gramophone fans will love this collection, they truly will. I feel like I have been reincarnated and transported back in time and have gently morphed ...

Lucozade Energy Pink Lemonade 23/01/2013

Ah, there's a carrot in my drink

Lucozade Energy Pink Lemonade Why did I buy it: Present tense peeps, present tense. I still continue to buy this extremely pink and extremely fizzy energy drink. Whenever I can summon up the courage to cross the road and venture into Booze Busters I will purchase several bottles at once and stock up on this fine and lively thirst quenching drink. It’s pink but it’s NOT girly. Chaps can also consume this drink without having to hide in a corner in shame. There is no humiliation or dishonour in drinking a PINK DRINK and it is an amazing taste. Once drunk, never forgotten. It costs only 99p for a 380ml bottle in Booze Busters but elsewhere expect to pay at least double this amount. I need a daily energy drink fix just in order to survive and get through the day. This one hits the spot for me every time, peeps. What do I think of it: I like it, in fact I LOVE IT! It contains glucose which is the source of energy and oomph my brain prefers. It helps me to think quicker and do things faster. It sustains me and gives me the get up and go I need. Each bottle contains 217 calories. I am still waiting to lose some wait though sadly it is taking longer than I thought and I weigh the same as I id almost three weeks previously. Perhaps I consume too many of these energy giving drinks. Who knows and who even cares. This drink will set your mind alight with the fizz. It is a bubble-fest and a tingly sensation that sets your head alive and buzzing from the first swig from the bottle. Do not pour this into a glass, ...
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