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Your comment on the Domestos bleach review is very unnecessary with regards to saying about drinking it.

Reviews written

since 10/09/2017

20 14/01/2018

Tough love. RavingReviewer and I, well, what can I say. It’s tough love. There’s a mutual respect, akin to a superhero and supervillain, where both need each other. Remember the scene from The Dark Knight? Where Batman just couldn't let The Joker go. It was parodied in The Daily Mash as the eternal battle between Aldi and Waitrose. In honour of this special person (I can’t quite work out whether he/she is a man or a woman), I have posted our interactions here, and hope for many more years of the same, or at least until the actual site’s resisgty expires and our musings are committed to the empty void of cyberspace like a cholera-ridden pirate being buried at sea in a filthy, stained cracker sack. For ease of prose I shall refer to Mr./Mrs. RavingReviewer as ‘R.R.’. I will be referred to at ‘A.T.’ For the first exchange unfortunately I only have what I wrote in R.R.’s guestbook under my first profile. I don’t have R.R.’s replies as this profile was blocked (more on this to come later). I will take this opportunity to apologise to R.R. that I don't have his/her earlier message history but can assure you that I am not misrepresenting him/her, and will err on the side of caution when contextualising his/her messages. Anyway. We pick up the story in the summer of 2017. As I write this, Ciao has closed down (I have heard there was a tax raid at the headquarters in France in early November), but back then, the site was still heaving with weird activity. I had written a review about Catsan ...

Onion 05/01/2018


Onion Onions are fucking awful. But, to put things in context; let’s talk about my experiences during Halloween. When I was young, my father – a decorated and well-known army colonel – accompanied me out on the streets, every evening from 1st to 31st October, canvassing the locals while dressed as a ‘menstrual nun’. The custom at the time was for the victims to prepare the ‘treaters’ a plate of piping hot liver and onions; something which the locals would abide by without exception; I would therefore put on a great deal of weight during the season. While I was at the door, waiting for the householder to prepare my food, my father would creep into their house via the service door and take whatever alcohol he could find, consuming it and then mercilessly giving me good hidings as we walked to the next house. Looking back on these episodes, which occurred in my youth (cannot remember my age exactly) every year for thirteen years straight, I would be honest and say that it was a formative, enlightening experience. I wouldn’t credit many things to my father, but that was one thing I am deeply appreciative of him for. Nevertheless, in retrospect – an increasingly important spect as one gets older and wiser – the onion is, in my humble opinion, fucking awful. ...

Do you consult online reviews before making a purchase? 14/11/2017

Do I consult online reviews before making a purchase?

Do you consult online reviews before making a purchase? In sadness, truth speaks I'm annoyed right now. Bertrand and I have had a falling out, and I own a lot of pathos today. I see what’s going on here. This topic is a thinly-disguised, sick attempt by Ciao to perform a health check of this website by trying to understand who in their right minds would use it. Let me expedite proceedings. Ciao is as much use to a typical purchasing decision as a catcher’s mitt is to performing open heart surgery. Making time Ciao isn’t a bad place to be, it really isn’t. It’s like a town square; sure, there are a few tramps, undesirables, teenage glue-huffers and pigeon crap staining the cobbles, but it’s a place of social interaction, the coming together of hearts and minds, and the exchange of peaceful debate, at least until one party becomes petty or defensive. If you ask me, the website’s whole review-cum-compensation model could be completely removed and the values of Ciao would live on, without a sinister undercurrent of petty vendettas, odd essays on bleach or nail polish and members making up crap about not being able to rate less-frequent collaborators due to self-imposed ‘time-constraints’. And on that last one – let’s be honest, if you’re finding moments in your day to effectively contribute to Ciao, you’re not exactly short of time – myself included. Squeaks on the way in If we move away from our cocoon of bizarrely-compensated unvirtuous drivel, I feel that the measure of a review site’s success is measured by its business ...

Apple: what do you think about the brand's products on the market? 23/10/2017

Mac 'n' Cheese.

Apple: what do you think about the brand's products on the market? It seems that everyone has a colourful opinion about Apple products, especially Ciaoers, who howl like jackals and get out their S.H.’s whenever a poor unfortunate new member dares to review one. But who can blame them? Apple products are defined in so many ways; the silvery-ness, the system updates which renders handsets more than two years old almost unusable, the constant, bewildering changes of ports, plugs and sub-models, the friendless, emo-esque jerk-offs that sit all day in Starbucks with their precious MacBook Airs, expanding like a gas to take all available space. Once, I advanced on one of them and looked at their screen, and all they were doing was testing new fonts. Finally, who cannot associate Apple with that other famous American export, cyber bullying? For me, Apple is totally defined by the little Apple stickers that simpletons place on their cars, or on their laptops (to cover the H.P. logo) or even on their MacBooks (next to the actual Apple logo), to remind themselves and others that they are, in the words of Mark Corrigan off Peep Show, “just another cock getting wired into the global economy”. Or, as Ciao seems to call it; "conquit". Of course, all brands have an intangible element to them as well. I will forever remember my first iPhone, streaming mucky videos on my 4G, meeting my wife on an online chatroom where our relationship evolved from hurling disgusting, outrageous abuse at one another over the forums and then on Whatsapp, to our first date, ...

What are your plans this Autumn? 29/09/2017

Disappointingly unimaginative Current Issue

What are your plans this Autumn? For purposes of this inane, meaningless topic – the kind of thing you might discuss with a distant, half-twat acquaintance whom you accidentally meet on the High Street and are forced to engage with until one of you mutters something like “well I have a meeting to get to” and you can both part ways – let’s assume ‘Autumn’ refers from 29th September (the date of me sitting down to write), until 1st December, as this is when I regard Winter to begin.  My birthday is 2nd December and my middle name is ‘Winter’ so though it may not be complete logic, it’s logic enough for me.  29th September to 8th October Autumn is a busy season for us.  From 29th September to 8th October, I will be at work, at my amateur veterinary clinic.  I have a few appointments booked already.  A woman wants me to tar and feather her Sphynx cat as it looks funny and is slippery to the touch.  We have a bear-baiting festival in the nearby village of Broadway on the 30th, so a lot of my week will be spent dealing with mangled caniforms and pets that got in the way of the festivities.  The head of the local Y.M.C.A. has a particularly large and angry red cock that which requires urgent attention so I will get over to his house and attend to that as well. Bertrand helps in the clinic. His full-time role as an uncouth, out-of-work Welsh steel-worker isn't really that full-time anymore, so he will do the running to the general store to get my supplies such as sellotape, caulk and lubricant. He mops like a ...

What is the best memory of your 2017 holidays? 16/09/2017

A memorable day in Dubai.

What is the best memory of your 2017 holidays? A reflection on all things forgetful Recently, I was thinking about drafting an opinion piece on ‘coping with regret’; sadly I would say that most of my summer memories are of this particular sentiment. There was of course my wife, who has left me, citing my attempts to disposition her away from the household (or in her own words, ‘abduct and murder’), of which I did nothing of the sort. She doesn't care, and now has filed for divorce. Over the summer, as I have previously written about, a lot of animals in my custody — as an amateur veterinary surgeon — passed away for various reasons. The ‘parents’ (let’s be honest, people who call themselves the ‘parents’ of pets should just wake up and understand that they are ‘owners’) will inevitably become riled with me, spouting such dirt as “it’s your fault little Fluffy got shut in the oven” or “you shouldn't be keeping goldfish in Simple Syrup anyway”. Finally there is the festering father of regret coming from Ciao. Over the summer, members have told me that my reviews “make them feel sick”, one member has repeatedly told me that I am not welcome on here because I don't fit in, and another member has actually been abusing me relentlessly on my private guestbook. All of this sad, unseemly behaviour culminated in my account being blocked and reviews erased — twice. Luckily it turns out that the people that run Ciao (not the senior members, as they seem to think) are actually ultimately reasonable beings and after a very productive ...

Haagen-Dazs Belgian Chocolate 11/09/2017

My favourite after-work treat!

Haagen-Dazs Belgian Chocolate Häagen-Dazs sure know their ice-cream. From inauspicious beginnings in New York City’s Bronx in 1961, Reuben and Rose Mattus opened their first store in 1976, selling only vanilla, coffee and chocolate ice-cream, Häagen-Dazs has grown exponentially since, branching into many regions, and many different flavours, as disparate as Reuben’s imagination (it is said that the name Häagen-Dazs was simply just ‘made-up’ by him, to give the brand a unique identity). I tend not to visit the popular Häagen-Dazs cafés – as I truly hate all human beings and interacting with them in any way apart from my work as an amateur veterinary surgeon – but really do enjoy their ice-cream. Though there are many flavours to choose from, my favourite is Belgian Chocolate, and every Friday evening after I conclude my work tasks and wash the blood off my clothes, I will dispatch my valet to the village to fetch me a 500ml tub of this wonderful ice-cream, which I will enjoy by myself, after a jar of gherkins and three of my home-made, high-tar cigarettes. You should know that Häagen-Dazs is very expensive. I understand from Pepe that it is £4.50 from the local convenience store, which works out to about 4,500 ‘helpful’ ratings on Ciao. This might seem a lot for ice-cream but in my opinion you get a really quality product, not just ‘a brand’. So, what exactly do I enjoy about Häagen-Dazs? Well, there isn’t much I do not enjoy about it, put it that way. The packaging first of all is really fitting to the ...

Everything that starts with S ... 10/09/2017

Springforce (a.k.a. 'Lunchtime')

Everything that starts with S ... As I stand here, trousers and smalls round my ankles, staring down at the stinking, stained toilet bowl, marvelling at what I have deposited there, a wave of sadness comes over me. You know, that heavy, stuck feeling one gets, before the tears and shakes begin. I look up. The stench follows me though; there is no escaping it. I gaze out of the window. It’s a floor to ceiling window that allows me to sit on the lavatory, looking out at the people who walk by on the sidewalk. Though they can often see me, it is not my concern. Yesterday morning I was sat here also. As I befouled the pan, I was planning what to eat for lunch. My wife had returned from her disappearance and also Bertrand was going to be present. It was going to be an awkward meal, but one that needed to happen. I needed to be clear with them both that they were both needed in my life, but for very different reasons. I pushed out the last piece of my dirt and as I basked in the warm afterglow of post-defecation, settled on a selection of Mexican dishes, made by my valet, Pepe. I reached down to wipe, using Springforce Toilet Tissue. The whole wiping experience was only satisfactory. The tissue is quite rough and chafes my sensitive nether-regions. Nevertheless, the job was done. I flushed, and departed. Sadly I neglected to take my paper and pen into the bathroom with me; to makes notes on the toilet tissue, should I wish to review it. I am all too aware of the detail needed to write reviews which would be ...

What is your Summer Drink? 10/09/2017

Recommending a sherry and value spirit half-half

What is your Summer Drink? What a summer it has been. First of all, as you are well aware, I lost my wife in a fairy ring, which was obviously something to think about, but then this resulted in my being investigated over her disappearance by the local constabulary. Luckily this issue was mitigated when she strangely turned up at my lodgings just a couple of weeks ago, hence my absence from Ciao, as there was a lot to sort out, especially as when she returned, she found me in a severely compromising situation with Bertrand. She seemed to remember Bertrand from when she went missing, which was strange. You also might be aware that I hold a job as an amateur veterinary surgeon. My work is greatly complicated over the summer as many animals gets sunburn and swallow seeds, causing flowers to erupt from their backs (the affliction commonly known as ‘Summer Syndrome’), so a lot of my time has been spent pruning and sheering said animals. Often, complications arise from Internal Hay-fever and sadly many of my patients will succumb to this condition, even though for some reason many people blame the so-called ‘unsanitary conditions’ in my shed. So yes, things are stressful. My wife is now trying to divorce me for adultery and, for some reason, take me to court regarding a baseless allegation of conspiracy to abduct, and now the R.S.P.C.A. is on my case about some other things. So yes, as Ciao’s subject refers to, I do often partake of The Drink. It’s not ideal, but I do find that The Drink is an ideal way ...

What is your summer song 2017? 10/09/2017

Music caused me to embarrass a lobster

What is your summer song 2017? My job as an amateur veterinary surgeon means that music can be a hindrance, rather than a blessing. Once I was performing a cataract procedure on a lobster and listening to some Skrillex, when my valet drunkenly turned up the volume all of a sudden, causing me to knock the unfortunate crustacean into a big urn of boiling water I keep next to the operating table to sterilize my coat hangers. The poor thing turned bright red with embarrassment. Plus, as I am frequently the bearer of bad news, I find that my clients prefer the sombre, deafening noise of silence when I inform them that sweet little Tiddles will never be a mammal again, or such-like. It wasn’t just this. I much prefer the sound of silence, sitting with my thoughts, drafting out on my blackboard which product I would like to review on Ciao this week, or simply using the quiet time to reflect on whatever recent abuse Ravingreviewer has decided to throw my way. Nevertheless, this summer certain tracks have stirred up for me connotations, some, good, some not so good. Following the disappearance of my wife into a fairy ring, I was recently arrested by the police and held for ninety-six hours as they suspected that I may have had something to do with what happened. I don’t mind so much in terms of them following protocol, or whatever you want to call it, but I object to being branded a ‘murderer’, which is what they were getting at. Something to do with clumps of her hair found in the boot of my car, I don’t know. ...

Everything that starts with F ... 10/09/2017

My wife disappeared into a fairy ring.

Everything that starts with F ... The Forest of Dean is a wonderful place to while away the hours. The largest forest in the Cinderford locale, the vast expanse of trees can be seen from an airplane. In the forest, there are many things that you can do to pass the time, such as hiking (especially on the trails near Speech House), spending time on the Dean Forest Railway from Lydney, hare-trapping, birdwatching, engaging in adultery, shoplifting (the shops in nearby Coleford have very little C.C.T.V.) and my personal favourite, writing Ciao reviews, apparently while ‘wasted’, according to some people on here. The forest is steeped in history – the trees keep a ton of secrets. A Japanese fighter plane is rumoured to have crash-landed in the forest after it got lost on the way to the attack on Pearl Harbor. Also, a terrible situation where residents of the forest beat to death two circus bears and their French owners, has resulted in the phrase ‘Who Killed the Bears?’, a statement of embarrassment to the Foresters, so don’t you dare say it to them. The other day, myself and the wife were in the forest, enjoying a walk, and of course, each other’s company. As we headed along, we didn’t notice ourselves straying off the path, and suddenly we found ourselves in the middle of dense greenery. Lost and panicked, we heard some singing and music which we assumed to be coming from a nearby village or something. As we approached the sounds, the forest opened into a clearing, and we saw lots of wee little fairies dancing ...

Everything that starts with J ... 10/09/2017

Jurassic Park has lots of dinosaurs.

Everything that starts with J ... As we all know, Jurassic Park is a slang name for retirement homes, but the term was coined long before that as a novel written by dead author Michael Crichton, as a story — on face value — ostensibly about dinosaurs messing around with a man and his family, but really thinly-veiled rhetoric about Crichton’s intense loathing for the League of Nations and it’s failure to stop World War Two. Jurassic Park was released in 1993 and I first became aware of it when I saw an advert in McDonalds. The film was really entertaining, I loved the CGI, cutting edge at the time. Jeff Goldblum, as ever, was unable to act, many years of alcoholism ruining his voice, but overall the film was engaging and insightful. I especially enjoyed Richard Attenborough as his character stays faithful to the one in the book. I haven't read the book but I imagine this is the case because that was what Attenborough did best. He had to try hard, as his brother David was beating him at everything. It must hurt. The film is very suspenseful and is almost akin to a thriller. It is just about suitable for children. I took my kid to see it when he was 4, to have him learn about violence and to stay away from reptiles. The plot of the story is a little far fetched; if you want to learn more about then I have written out the script here for you to read, seeing as Ciao reviews are generally full of such banal information that is seemingly seen by them as ‘helpful’ for the consumer. I expect to receive many ...

Everything that starts with B ... 10/09/2017


Everything that starts with B ... Perfect in every way. I’ll tell you a story. Being a resident of Cheltenham, life is tough. We ran out of water once, on 25th July 2007, thanks to the floods. I’ll never forget the hordes of middle classers, lining up to fill their receptacles from the bowsers deployed by the military during those two terrible weeks. On occasions, not enough to be called ‘frequent’ but frequent enough to be called irksome, children would wait until the line subsided, lift the top of the bowser, and relieve themselves into it. I was twenty-one at the time, and I was attending my first job interviews. I was relieving myself into toilets at the time. I was applying to become a policeman but changed my mind after seeing that I could impact the public in much the same way simply by commenting on reviews on In the end, I became an amateur veterinary surgeon. The money is fine but the travel isn’t. Just last week I had to travel to Perth in Scotland to stop a parrot from using racist language. It was a long trip from Gloucestershire but thanks to liberal interpretation of the Highway Code and light traffic, I made it in four hours. On the way back, sweating and crying, seething with embarrassment from the language the parrot was using, I stopped in a supermarket to get a can of tonic water. The supermarket was large, like some kind of cavernous shop. I became disorientated, maddened by my yearning of tonic water and the stress of the day’s frivolities. I happened into the aisle that ...

Everything that starts with Y ... 10/09/2017

YouTube is a decent video service for the masses.

Everything that starts with Y ... YouTube is a fantastic video service which caters to all my needs, and I cannot imagine a life where I don’t have access to it; it is that important. For those who aren’t sure, YouTube is a website. It’s a ‘secret’ website but can be accessed by typing the letters Y, O, U, T, U, B and E, followed by .com, into your device. It’s owned by the US-based political party, Google. I first remember accessing YouTube in 2014 when I was attempting to illegally download The Lion King because I wanted to see if King Mufasa’s death would still make me cry twenty years on. I couldn’t find the movie but did discover a video called ‘The Lying King’, which was a slanderous and ill-informed amateur documentary about Elvis, claiming how he plagiarised three quarters of his songs. I watched that documentary four times, mesmerised by the notion that anyone, no matter how ignorant and talentless, could be granted a forum because of this wonderful medium and express their alarming and emotionally chaotic views. You can share videos on other websites such as Facebook if you want to make sure that your family, friends and acquaintances are exposed to your views and opinions like a beached whale is exposed to bloodthirsty seagulls. I particularly enjoy how the openness and accessible-to-all nature of YouTube is compounded by allowing viewers to comment on videos. I often take part in this ritual, being sure to call out fellow commenters when they spell a word wrong by writing things like ‘your not ...

Hand Spinner: what do you think of this new phenomenon? 10/09/2017

The spin that will end us all.

Hand Spinner: what do you think of this new phenomenon? The ‘Hand Spinner’, as Ciao calls it, or ‘Fidget Spinner’, as everyone else does, is basically a contraption made up of three (or more) protrusions that spin around a central point aided by the magic of ball bearings. The omnipresent spinner was created for no other reason than to aid the production of memes on the internet and a popular but ill-informed belief that enough spinners set up to go on one hemisphere of the world will provide enough rotational force to move the Earth far enough away from the Sun to offset the effects of pseudoscientific quackery, ‘climate change’. The actual effects of the whimsical fidget spinner are far more sinister. I own several; a self-admitted moth in the ever-more attractive light of the ethereal spinner, lured by the never-ending spin of that wondrous spinner as it spins and spins, gradually coming to a stop, just like intelligent life seems to be doing in the wake of the popularity of these infernal machines. I keep one in my car and frequently spin while I drive. I don’t find that it makes me any less of a driver, although once I rear-ended someone at some lights as I inserted a moving spinner into my mouth to see if it would hurt my teeth, (it did). Once I was bored, driving along the M5, and held my moving spinner to the windshield to see what would happen, and it caused the glass to shatter, meaning that I had to swerve into the hard shoulder. I keep several of the heavenly spinners at work. Self-employed as an amateur veterinary ...
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