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arthurteacake

arthurteacake

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"OK, whatever - and I don't care for what you are eating, either".

Reviews written

since 25/05/2017

3

Board games: which are the best for you? 20/07/2017

A handsomely effective tool for dealing with bestial bereavement.

Board games: which are the best for you? Well, in Ciao’s words, we are in “full period of summer holidays for the greatest happiness of the Ciaoers who have already stopped working” and in their mind, this apparently equates to playing board games endlessly. For me, summer often brings memories more full of pathos than positivity. Avid readers of mine will recall that I recently lost my wife to the woodland folk, which is annoying, to say the least. Also, in my job as an amateur veterinary surgeon, the hotter months bring their share of bestial indiscretions; for instance a man brought in his micro-bear that had sweated all of its fur off; another time, a little girl brought in a bucket of water and explained that in the high temperatures, her goldfish had osmosed itself into the water. I guess, in my line of work, ‘amateur’ is the key word. I do lack certain advanced training, such as in reattaching fur or how to solidify a fish, and many of my patients do pass on. Very often, my main function is to euthanise; the reason my services are so much in demand is that I don’t need to worry about forms or professional levels of sanitation when I bring an animal to the end of its suffering, which makes me attractively cheap compared to the fancy ‘white collar’ vets with their fancy qualifications, surgeries with four walls and without a crate full of sharpened coat-hanger wire and fish sauce laced with Flunitrazepam. A major part of my service is to provide emotional support to the ex-owners of these animals, and ...

Tattoos: friends or foes? 06/07/2017

Do we need them at all?

Tattoos: friends or foes? Whereas I would question Ciao’s assertion that a normal human being can label themselves a ‘friend’ or a ‘foe’ of a tattoo, I nevertheless have some strong opinions on this contentious subject, and an immediate assertion of my own is ‘do we need them at all?’. My own experience of a tattoo was my first, and last. Not that I didn’t enjoy it, just that my own life path moved away from such things, and of course tattoos are very expensive, and my hard-earned cash always went on other things such as Buxton Mineral Water and vinegar. Driving fines as well, thanks to Teresa May and her Europhile roadcronies. But enough about that. I visited the Royal International Air Tattoo in either 1996 or 1997, I cannot remember. I was taken there by the parents of a friend who lived next door. He took his military much more seriously than me. He played with Action Men, but took it too far. He would stage them with Barbie dolls, and I will let your imagination run wild with that one. He would fashion makeshift parachutes from supermarket carrier bags in the days before they charged you for them (it’s like we now pay for the air we breathe), throw them into the air and hope the bag would serve its purpose. It rarely did; and one day a doll fell, and landed on his head, breaking his nose. After my friend recovered, he summoned me to a mock ‘execution’ of that cursed Action Man, by grinding his plastic face on a moving jogging treadmill, and then sawing off his head with a tenon saw. My friend ...

Hand Spinner: what do you think of this new phenomenon? 05/07/2017

The spin that will end us all.

Hand Spinner: what do you think of this new phenomenon? The ‘Hand Spinner’, as Ciao calls it, or ‘Fidget Spinner’, as everyone else does, is basically a contraption made up of three (or more) protrusions which spin around a central point aided by the magic of ball bearings. The omnipresent spinner was created for no other reason than to aid the production of memes on the internet and a popular but ill-informed belief that enough spinners set up to go on one hemisphere of the world will provide enough rotational force to move the Earth far enough away from the Sun to offset the effects of pseudoscientific quackery, ‘climate change’. The actual effects of the whimsical fidget spinner are far more sinister. I own several; a self-admitted moth in the ever-more attractive light of the ethereal spinner, lured by the never-ending spin of that wondrous spinner as it spins and spins, gradually coming to a stop, just like intelligent life seems to be doing in the wake of the popularity of these infernal machines. I keep one in my car and frequently spin while I drive. I don’t find that it makes me any less of a driver, although once I rear-ended someone at some lights as I inserted a moving spinner into my mouth to see if it would hurt my teeth, (it did). Once I was bored, driving along the M5, and held my moving spinner to the windshield to see what would happen, and it caused the glass to shatter, meaning that I had to swerve into the hard shoulder. I keep several of the heavenly spinners at work. Self-employed as an amateur veterinary ...
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