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arthurteacake

arthurteacake

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Reviews written

since 25/05/2017

4

What is your Summer Drink? 06/09/2017

Recommending a sherry and value spirit half-half

What is your Summer Drink? What a summer it has been. First of all, as you are well aware, I lost my wife in a fairy ring, which was obviously something to think about, but then this resulted in my being investigated over her disappearance by the local constabulary. Luckily this issue was mitigated when she strangely turned up at my lodgings just a couple of weeks ago, hence my absence from Ciao, as there was a lot to sort out, especially as when she returned, she discovered me in a severely compromising situation with Bertrand. She seemed to remember Bertrand from when she went missing, which was strange. You also might be aware that I hold a job as an amateur veterinary surgeon. My work is greatly complicated over the summer as many animals gets sunburn and swallow seeds, causing flowers to erupt from their backs (the affliction commonly known as ‘Summer Syndrome’), so a lot of my time has been spent pruning and sheering said animals. Often, complications arise from Internal Hayfever and sadly many of my patients will succumb to this condition, even though for some reason many people blame the so-called ‘unsanitary conditions’ in my shed. As you can see, things are stressful. My wife is now trying to divorce me for adultery and, for some reason, also take me to court regarding a baseless allegation of conspiracy to abduct, and now the R.S.P.C.A. is on my case about some other things. So yes, as Ciao’s subject refers to, I do often partake of The Drink. It’s not ideal, but I do find that The Drink ...

What is your summer song 2017? 08/08/2017

Music caused me to embarrass a lobster.

What is your summer song 2017? My job as an amateur veterinary surgeon means that music can be a hindrance, rather than a blessing. Once I was performing a cataract procedure on a lobster and listening to some Skrillex, when my valet drunkenly turned up the volume all of a sudden, causing me to knock the unfortunate crustacean into a big urn of boiling water I keep next to the operating table to sterilize my coat hangers. The poor thing turned bright red with embarrassment. Plus, as I am frequently the bearer of bad news, I find that my clients prefer the sombre, deafening noise of silence when I inform them that sweet little Tiddles will never be a mammal again, or such-like. It wasn’t just this. I much prefer the sound of silence, sitting with my thoughts, drafting out on my blackboard which product I would like to review on Ciao this week, or simply using the quiet time to reflect on whatever recent abuse Ravingreviewer has decided to throw my way. Nevertheless, this summer certain tracks have stirred up for me connotations, some, good, some not so good. Following the disappearance of my wife into a fairy ring, I was recently arrested by the police and held for ninety-six hours as they suspected that I may have had something to do with what happened. I don’t mind so much in terms of them following protocol, or whatever you want to call it, but I object to being branded a ‘murderer’, which is what they were getting at. Something to do with clumps of her hair found in the boot of my car, I don’t know. ...

Tattoos: friends or foes? 06/07/2017

Do we need them at all?

Tattoos: friends or foes? Whereas I would question Ciao’s assertion that a normal human being can label themselves a ‘friend’ or a ‘foe’ of a tattoo, I nevertheless have some strong opinions on this contentious subject, and an immediate assertion of my own is ‘do we need them at all?’. My own experience of a tattoo was my first, and last. Not that I didn’t enjoy it, just that my own life path moved away from such things, and of course tattoos are very expensive, and my hard-earned cash always went on other things such as Buxton Mineral Water and vinegar. Driving fines as well, thanks to Teresa May and her Europhile roadcronies. But enough about that. I visited the Royal International Air Tattoo in either 1996 or 1997, I cannot remember. I was taken there by the parents of a friend who lived next door. He took his military much more seriously than me. He played with Action Men, but took it too far. He would stage them with Barbie dolls, and I will let your imagination run wild with that one. He would fashion makeshift parachutes from supermarket carrier bags in the days before they charged you for them (it’s like we now pay for the air we breathe), throw them into the air and hope the bag would serve its purpose. It rarely did; and one day a doll fell, and landed on his head, breaking his nose. After my friend recovered, he summoned me to a mock ‘execution’ of that cursed Action Man, by grinding his plastic face on a moving jogging treadmill, and then sawing off his head with a tenon saw. My friend ...

Hand Spinner: what do you think of this new phenomenon? 05/07/2017

The spin that will end us all.

Hand Spinner: what do you think of this new phenomenon? The ‘Hand Spinner’, as Ciao calls it, or ‘Fidget Spinner’, as everyone else does, is basically a contraption made up of three (or more) protrusions which spin around a central point aided by the magic of ball bearings. The omnipresent spinner was created for no other reason than to aid the production of memes on the internet and a popular but ill-informed belief that enough spinners set up to go on one hemisphere of the world will provide enough rotational force to move the Earth far enough away from the Sun to offset the effects of pseudoscientific quackery, ‘climate change’. The actual effects of the whimsical fidget spinner are far more sinister. I own several; a self-admitted moth in the ever-more attractive light of the ethereal spinner, lured by the never-ending spin of that wondrous spinner as it spins and spins, gradually coming to a stop, just like intelligent life seems to be doing in the wake of the popularity of these infernal machines. I keep one in my car and frequently spin while I drive. I don’t find that it makes me any less of a driver, although once I rear-ended someone at some lights as I inserted a moving spinner into my mouth to see if it would hurt my teeth, (it did). Once I was bored, driving along the M5, and held my moving spinner to the windshield to see what would happen, and it caused the glass to shatter, meaning that I had to swerve into the hard shoulder. I keep several of the heavenly spinners at work. Self-employed as an amateur veterinary ...
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