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Pennywa ... you have stolen my heart

Reviews written

since 13/05/2011


Vivienne Westwood Cheeky Alice Eau de Toilette 27/10/2012

Cheeky Alice

Vivienne Westwood Cheeky Alice Eau de Toilette I adore the lingering sensual aroma of Cheeky Alice by Vivienne Westwood. Ms Westwood - the eccentric, bold and unquestionably mentally deranged fashionista, designer and couturier has undoubtedly created a provocative and deeply arousing aromatic bouquet, with this mischievous little number. This powerful and stimulating fragrance, tantalizes, tempts and provokes my sexual appetite and brings out my urge to dress in my more eccentric attire, as I wander the streets in my more familiar Victoriana apparel or reside alone at home after a long day at work in the cider factory in my one-piece self-designed and home-made romper garment. This ingenious fragrance is variable and inconstant, and as such, it may be used for any occasion and any event. It is a mesmerizing and compelling aroma, which delights the senses and bewitches the mind. Who says fragrances are either ‘male’ or ‘female’? I truly delight in disobeying conventional codes of conduct and being able to adorn this exceptional fragrance is my way of releasing myself from the bounds of conformity and screaming “adieu” to those who lack courage and imagination. Like Ms Westwood, I deviate markedly from the established norm – and I am proud of it – I delight in my originality and eccentricity. Who could possibly resist the aroma of lily of the valley combined with blushing rose and fresh peony? The fragrance is a joy to wear and a joy to behold in its heavy, oversized and highly voluptuous shapely glass bottle, which ...

Ciba Vision FreshLook Colors 26/05/2012

Perfect Vision

Ciba Vision FreshLook Colors I have recently discovered the wonders and delights of Ciba Vision Freshlook Coloured lenses. These disposable contact lenses come in an array of exciting and vibrant shades from across the colour spectrum, ranging from blues to greens to browns to vivid turquoise and sapphire blue. As regular readers of my reviews will be aware, I am an extraordinary man with a rare talent for attracting the ladies, and I have discovered that whenever I adorn my orbs with Ciba Vision Freshlook Coloured lenses, the ladies are unable to resists my advances and they become powerless to resist my charms. My Ciba Lenses were purchased for the princely sum of £23, which gives me two months’ supply. I procured my wonderful lenses from my local optician and they prepared and modified them to my prescription. I have both turquoise and violet. The fit is magnificent, the comfort is superb and my ability to observe the ladies whilst I traverse my unusual and peculiar haunts in and around London, has not been deterred in the slightest. On the contrary, I believe not only am I more attractive to the ladies with my dazzling coloured lenses, but I am able to distinguish their features more clearly as my vision is much improved when I wear them. Prior to my wearing Cibi Lenses, I was, I believe, less attractive to the female of the species. I have discovered that the ladies are now unable to tear their eyes away from my visage as they stare, fixated, into my adoring and doting violet or turquoise eyes. ...

Vitax Path & Patio Liquid Cleaner 25/05/2012

For Paths, Patios and Stately Homes

Vitax Path & Patio Liquid Cleaner The last four months of my life have sadly been a series of unfortunate and unjust events, which have resulted in my being the object of unwarranted and unjustifiable persecution and castigation by this country’s inane judicial system. As regular readers of my reviews will be fully aware, I am an great exhibitionist and cavorter and I take colossal pleasure in spending many a happy and innocent hour, frolicking and gamboling in the parks and gardens of stately homes, whilst adorning my beloved Victoriana costumes. It is a harmless and innocent pastime, and in the main, the ladies enjoy my advances and jovial sport, as I leap out from behind hedgerows and endeavour to caress their silken hides as they shriek and skip merrily away from me in pure elation and exhilaration. Readers may imagine my distress then, when suddenly one day I found myself accosted by an officer of the law whilst I was concealed behind a hedgerow, innocently observing a pretty wench as she went about her daily business. Ignoring my pleas of innocence and blamelessness, I swiftly found myself both incarcerated and reprimanded by said officers, who appeared impervious and unreceptive to my entreaties to release me back into my commune with my friends, family and like-minded individuals. Sadly, even the numerous heartfelt appeals and explanations by my social worker, psychiatrist and colleagues at the cider factory made no difference to my plight, and I was left a melancholy and disconsolate individual. ...

Newton-Everett Biotech Vialafil Capsules 21/01/2012

Fulfilled with Vialafil

Newton-Everett Biotech Vialafil Capsules As a virile and attractive man, I have never experienced any problems in attracting members of the opposite (or same) sex. Unfortunately however, my mental health condition dictates that I must consume fairly copious quantities of medication on a daily basis which regrettably can have an adverse effect on my sex drive and erectile function. For this reason, my therapist kindly suggested a possible solution in the form of Newton-Everett Biotech Vialafil tablets. I am unable to take Viagra as although it produces astounding effects upon my sexual prowess and helps me maintain an impressive erections for extraordinary periods of time, unfortunately it has a somewhat negative effect upon my brain function and causes me to hallucinate, resulting in some rather awkward and embarrassing situations with the elderly caretaker at my local community center and the waiter at my local restuarant. Viagra has also caused me some confusion regarding my sexual orientation and I have found myself dressed in ladies attire on numerous occasions and engaging in bizarre banter and chancy situations with members of the same sex, of which I was not aware at the time, but regretted later. In an attempt to improve the quality of my erectile function and addle my brain no further with the dreaded Viagra, I have for some time now been consuming 2 Vialifil tablets with my main meal on a daily basis and the results have been rather quick and impressive. To date, I have noticed the following ...

What is your best winter sport experience? 31/12/2011

Chess Boxing

What is your best winter sport experience? Since the onset of puberty, I have been annually crowned my village’s outdoor Naked Winter Chess Boxing Champion. Every year without fail, numerous men and women from surrounding villages gather together to conspire how best they may undermine my supreme ability at this fine winter sport and defeat me in my prowess. Thus far, none have succeeded in overpowering me, and I remain the ultimate Naked Chess Boxing Champion, never yet defeated. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this fine winter sporting experience, let me enlighten you. In order to master this art, the successful player must be both accomplished and proficient equally in the art of playing chess as well as having the ability to perform in the boxing ring. As the sport alternates between both games, it is therefore essential that the competitor possesses both the intellectual ability to play chess as well as a high degree of physical fitness. As I am a man who has been blessed with both great mental agility as well as a fine physique, readers may not be too surprised to see that I excel in this unusual winter sport. Great stamina is also required for this endurance sport as not only does a match consist of 11 long rounds but also it is undertaken outdoors during inclement weather, completely naked, whilst being observed by a crowd of cheering spectators. Tickets sell fast for this once yearly event and demand is great. Many months of endurance training is undertaken in the lead up to this event, ...

Sky Plus 111 Remote Control 04/11/2011

A Reliable Remote

Sky Plus 111 Remote Control I have owned my ageing and decrepit Philips TV set for many years and it has served me well. When I signed up to Sky Plus I became the proud owner of a Sky Plus 111 Remote Control Pad. With this pad I have the ability to peruse at leisure the vast array of Sky, analogue and digital channels from the comfort of my dilapidated armchair. I am both impressed and suitablly delighted with the high quality and durability of my Sky Plus 111 remote control as it allows me to flick with ease and accuracy between the many TV channels on offer. I am particularly fond of the sleek design, with grey front panel and black reverse. The design is both well laid out and simple to navigate. It is lightweight yet sturdy and strong enough to withstand both violent and aggressive movements during daily tumultuous launches from my hormonal cleaning lady, Celeste. Unfortunately, Celeste must endure the pains of an unreciprocated love as I endeavour to daily reject her sexual advances until I reach the age of 25 years of age. At this point I will undertake my family's traditional rite of passage, whereupon at midnight I will perform a naked cow jump across the backs of four castrated cattle. Once undertaken, Celeste will be mine, but until that time, she is unfortunately discovering that she lacks patience as she eagerly awaits the mutual sexual affection that soon will be ours. During the interim period my prized and coveted Sky Plus 111 Remote Control, must suffer the indignity of being ...

What does Halloween mean to you? (Newsletter creative writing) 16/10/2011

All Hallow's Eve

What does Halloween mean to you? (Newsletter creative writing) Halloween is the time of year when the normally taboo becomes more sociably acceptable. For example, my long-held passion for dressing in Victoriana attire and displaying my fine physique in public places becomes less worrisome for both my friends and neighbours at this time of year. On All Hallow’s Eve, I cordially invite my good friends and colleagues from the cider factory to join my family and I in our long-held annual tradition of worm charming. At the stroke of midnight, after a joyous hayride, we collectively meander around our local graveyard ringing our hand bells whilst reciting the De Profundis (Psalm 129). Our musical chant persuades several glistening headed creatures to emerge from the cold damp terrain and we watch in eager anticipation, as my aging mother performs a head count, announcing that we have beaten last year’s record of 400 worms per three yards square plot. Afterwards, we wander deeper into the forest with our Jack-o- Lanterns, where we embark upon a little moonlight boffering. Thaddeus, being my usual choice of sparring partner, will attempt to work off his pent up frustrations and aggression as we take part in mock combat and re-enact historic battles with our padded weapons, much to the delight of the baying crowd. As I am adept at the two handed sword and Thaddeus has not yet progressed to this level, I am invariably the proud winner and my family and friends carry me home above their heads, with much cheer, singing and frivolity along ...

Nair Removal Cream Soft Raspberry 10/10/2011

Nair more Hair

Nair Removal Cream Soft Raspberry I am a man who is easily distracted and has an extremely short attention span, so on the advice of my long-suffering therapist, I decided to take up a new hobby. Unable to decide what this new past-time should be, I opted to take a part-time job as a market research assistant for Nair – the Hair removal Experts, (I am reliably informed, and as it states on my decorative name badge). My duties involve interviewing attractive young ladies and asking them personal questions about their underarm personal hygiene and recording their answers on my clipboard. At the same time I am obligated to reinforce to them the benefits of Nair Removal Cream in Soft Raspberry and supply them with miniature tubes to try out for themselves the wonders of Nair in the comfort of their own abode. As I have been formally diagnosed with the condition commonly known as Hirsutophilia, I am sure you will understand readers, that for me personally, this is a truly idyllic career opportunity, as satisfies my life long obsession with and fixation for ladies who choose not to shave. I am truly gratified and amazed by the large number of attractive ladies who are happy for me to inspect their hairy pits, so that I may endorse the wonders of Nair, which at merely £1 per tube, is a bargain not to be missed! As part of my research, I undertook the task of using this product on my flatmate and good friend Thaddeus. One evening, after he had carefully removed his cassock and undertaken his nightly ablutions, ...

Newsletter Creative Writing 20/09/2011


Newsletter Creative Writing During the dark & chilly autumnal months, my greatest pleasure is chaperoning my good friend and long-suffering therapist Anzhela, through the dark, mysterious wooded area to the rear of my garden observatory. Following our nightly radish carving class, we will adorn our respective head torches and spend many a happy hour together, gathering conkers, crispy leaves and various autumnal shrubbery for the poor homeless waifs in my village for their giant collage competition. As we meander amongst the cool and crispy foliage, I attempt my well-worn seduction technique. I produce my prized seed catalogue, and this we peruse together beneath the moonlight as we consume large quantities of Tizer and I attempt to gently remove her poncho and kiss her chamois-leather-like lips. During our ramble amongst the undergrowth, Anzhela will occasionally indulge me in my anomalous fantasy, and adorn her wood carved head dress as she dances semi-naked around the trunk of an aged oak tree, singing Kate Bush’s ‘Babooshka’, until she becomes faint with the headiness of the experience. Afterwards, exhausted, we slowly roast chestnuts over our mini Bunsen Burners. When we have had our fill of the chilly autumn night we slowly make our way back to my observatory where we spend the rest of the evening calmly carving our conkers into shapes of national landmarks. These are then used for the customary purpose of hurling, (in a friendly manner), at little children who venture to knock at my door ...

Superdrug Mini Sewing Machine 20/08/2011

MIni Sewing Machine

Superdrug Mini Sewing Machine Several months ago my life long good friend Thaddeus was happily planning his third wedding to his Russian bride Olesya who he met in 1998 when they shared an annexe at the rehabilitation clinic in Riyadh, Czechoslovakia. As I am a man of many talents, I had the honour of being asked to be best man at this wondrous event and also to assist in the design and creation of the wedding attire for both the bride and the groom. I am accustomed to needlecraft and over the years I have designed and sewn countless extraordinary garments and won several competitions for my remarkable Victoriana attire, which is often used in local theatrical productions. The wedding was to take place in July of this year. Sadly, it was not meant to be. It was something of a Rohypnol courtship and once the bride to be regained full sanity, she gave Thaddeus the slip and her whereabouts remains unknown. It would appear that despite Thaddeus having turned to God since his time at the rehabilitation center and having undertaken many years Theological studies in his attempts to become a fully ordained vicar, Olesya was unable to accept his artificial limb and his still constant yearning for steroids. Olesya did not leave the country empty handed, however. She took with her my finely sewn wedding apparel, which I had spent many months meticulously stitching and embroidering for innumerable hours by candlelight in my observatory after I had completed my daily work at the cider factory. Fortunately, ...

Walkers Doritos Cool Original Flavour 08/08/2011


Walkers Doritos Cool Original Flavour I have, of late, been introduced to the wickedly wonderful taste of Doritos Cool Original triangular crisps, by my frirends and colleagues from my dwarf basketball team. Unfortunately, as I suffer from a somewhat addictive personality, I am now to be observed most days with several bags about my person and sadly my yoga instructor has advised me that unless I abstain with immediate effect, then I am liable to wreak havoc upon my finely toned physique. My aging parents now also enjoys these strangely crunchy salty flavoured snacks and when I pay my monthly visit to their organic pig farm, I go bearing gifts of several boxes of these delightful snacks, much to their euphoria and jubilation. We spend many happy hours over a long weekend, imbibing vast quantities of mouthwatering delectable Doritos, washed down with gallons of cider which I occasionally manage to borrow from my place of work, whilst we happily observe re-runs of Mr Forsythe in his much acclaimed show "Play Your Cards Right". On some occasions my father allows my withered twin to also partake in this much loved family pastime and we take many photographs with my newly acquired digital camera. These enticing and somewhat beguiling little crispy morsels are available for a mere £1.25 for a colossal sized bag from my local Olde Worlde Shoppe. I purchase them in bulk in an attempt to satiate my never ending desire. Alas, I struggle to overcome my addiction and I now have increased my exercise levels in ...

Mr Sheen Specialist Wipes Shiny Metal 01/08/2011

Mr Sheen - Specialist Cleaner

Mr Sheen Specialist Wipes Shiny Metal I have been interested in firearms since the age of three years old, and over the years I have built up a fine collection of replica guns of which I am most proud. I can clearly remember, as a young child of approximately five years of age, eagerly polishing my then miniscule collection, with both pride and gusto, whilst my envious withered twin, Lionel, looked on in admiration, as mother instructed him to carve yet more turnips in preparation for the family gathering later that evening. Over the years, my interest and obsession with firearms has only become more pronounced as I greatly enjoy the thrill of posing in my Victoriana attire at weekends in country parks, posing for passing admirers as I cock my gun at a jaunty angle. Over the years I have tried many products to polish and shine my firearm collection. Until recently I used Brasso, that is until I discovered the delights of Mr Sheen Specialist Wipes for Shiny Metal. These splended moist wipes come in a resealable pack of twenty four pre-moistened, sweet smelling white napkinetts, which are a pure joy to both use and behold. Their simplicity is astounding and at a mere £2.30 I am able to purchase these from my local Olde Shoppe. The proprietor will occasionally offer me a generous discount if I purchase them in bulk, and on days when my aging father is not employed at the embalming factory, I am able to borrow his Ford Cortina and purchase enough quantities to fill the boot of his beloved vehicle. They ...

Bausch & Lomb Sight Savers Pre-Moistened Cleansing Tissues 16/07/2011

Sight Savers Wipes

Bausch & Lomb Sight Savers Pre-Moistened Cleansing Tissues I am a man who takes great pride in his appearance and I like to look after all aspects of my health. I have been blessed with a fine and wonderous physique, for which I have received numerous compliments and won may competitions during my life. My eyesight and vision is of paramount importance to me and I take great care to protect my eyesight by wearing my vibrant, dynamic and top of the range sunglasses whenever I venture outdoors on hot sunny days. I have many pairs of sunglasses, some of which have been given to me by my admirers and also as part-payment for my photographic posing in country parks and local woods and forests. Of late, my sunglasses collection have been suffering from overuse due the good weather we have been experiencing. For this reason, I have made the purchase of Bausch & Lomb Sight Savers Pre-Moistened Cleansing Tissues. I purchased my moist wipes from an online company by the name of Amazon and paid the collossal sum of £14 for one hundred small and excessively pungent toweletts. Everyday, before I adorn my glasses, I will quickly wipe the lens with a pre-moistened wipe and gently but firmly rid my lenses of unpleasant dirt and grime, thus enabling me to obtain a clearer vision of the ladies and local wildlife when I cavort in the midday sun. I have since recieved much praise for my shiny and sparkling lens's and friends, neighbours and even strangers have stopped me to pay fine compliments, telling me how handsome and dynamic I look ...

Rennie Deflatine 12/07/2011

Rennie Deflatine

Rennie Deflatine I am impressed beyond belief at these fine little tablets by Mr Rennie which allow me to experience the joy of going about my daily activities without the pain and embarrasment of trapped wind. I am an active man who enjoys the delights of many activities, inlcuding that of entertaining the ladies in my Victoriana role play outfits at weekends in country park establishments. As I get older I have experienced the unpleasant effects of the extremely unpleasant and personal problems associated with trapped wind and flatulence. I find that I increasingly have no prior warning that an airstream is about to be emitted from my nether regions, and this will often cause some amusement amongst my female companions (and sometimes shock) as I endeavour to blame my aging mother, who I often allow to accompany me during my exploits and adventures. The pain of trapped wind is something I thought i would have to live with. I live an active life and often bolt my rich food, (such as jugged hare) during my Victoriana picnics. As I merrily cavort with the ladies afterwards and chase them through the meadows, I find myself having to conceal the embarrassement of the strong wind currents my derrier is capable of delivering. I find my problem is most noticeable during times of excitement, ardour and passion with my lady friends, and unfortunately it will often dampen their passions and we begin the ritual of our midnight lovemaking in our Victorian attire, as we lay in each other's arms ...

Nivea Lip Care Pearl and Shine 10/07/2011

Nivea Lip Care

Nivea Lip Care Pearl and Shine I will attempt to relate to the reader how truly magnificent this wonderous pearlised Lip Balm from Nivea is. It is, beyond doubt, the very best lip balm I have ever used in my life. I have personally used this astonishing product for almost two years and it has never failed to let me down or disppoint me,and I am a man of exceptionally high standards. I am an extremely physical man and spend a great deal of my time outdoors training my dwarf basketball team in many harsh climes. I work out regularly on my rear garden trampoline, I enjoy skateboarding, rollerblading, slacklining, tightrope walking, in-line dancing, skateboarding and surfing and have entered many competitions for all of my sports. As an unfortunate side effect of all of my outdoor pursuits, I sadly have become a victim of the chapped-lip syndrome. My lips will often become sore, red and dried out and as this does not assist me with attracting the ladies, I sought some time ago to rectify the problem and disovered the joy that is Nivea Lip Care Pearl and Shine. This astounding and astonishing little 4.8g tube which only costs me the miniscule amount of £2 is a joy to behold and the saviour of my parched and arid lips. Once I have extricated the wonderous tube from its prison-like wrapping, I apply to my lips and wait for the magic of this product to take effect. The aroma of this product is a joy to the nostrils and I am in raptures as slowly, gently and carefully apply to my dessicated chops. Upon ...
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