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fatman88

fatman88

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since 30/11/-0001

23

Tekken - Blood Vengeance (DVD) 25/03/2012

There is no blood, there is no vengeance!

Tekken - Blood Vengeance (DVD) This movie is so wretched and disgusting that I have to write this review to warn you of the horrors that seep out of it. It's not a horror film, it is a 3D computer generated film based off the popular fighting game series, Tekken. It was early March and I was at a friend's home. My friend's son, lets call him Alvin, wanted to buy this film off of HMV's website because he was a big Tekken fan, constantly playing it on his PS3. Seeing that it was nearly his birthday, I bought the DVD for him so that I didn't have to buy something else more expensive. I know, it is cheap of me, but these are times of austerity, and that is no joke. When the DVD arrived, my wife and I brought it over for him and he screamed ecstatically over what would be as good as Final Fantasy Advent Children (a review for another day). My friend insisted I stayed for lunch and watched the new Tekken movie with the family, so my wife and I stayed over... only for me to bare witness to one of the worst 3D movies in history. There were other Tekken movies in the past, a rubbish old Tekken Animated Feature film, released here by Manga Entertainment, and it was soul shatteringly bad. Then we had the live action Tekken movie, which wasn't as bad, but had the main character that kept flashing back to his mother, remembering old techniques she taught him, then turning a dire fight around and winning it. This movie is the worst of the bunch, and that is saying a lot seeing as how bad the previous two were. In fact, ...

Final Fantasy X (PS2) 10/03/2012

Please make it end... flipping Final Fantasy 10

Final Fantasy X (PS2) I do not know how to even begin to explain how bad Final Fantasy X is to you without bursting into a seething cauldron of rage because this game just baffles me. It has the the worst, and I do mean worst character design ever in a Final Fantasy game, dwarfing even Final Fantasy 8. I disliked Final Fantasy 8, but this game just brought out a whole new level of hatred and pain, I did not know that SquareSoft, now Square Enix, could make something worse than Final Fantasy Hate. I cannot understand how this game was given such high scores by magazines and independent reviewers. Famitsu gave it a near perfect 39/40, and GamePro gave it 5 out of 5 stars. How is this possible? It is like watching Barbie Goes To Hollywood and then nodding at the end of it, saying that it was one of the best movies you have ever seen. No it wasn't! Were these people paid by Square to give such high ratings? I can't believe that somebody would rate a game this annoying so highly out of their own free will. I have already confessed to being one of the biggest Squaresoft fanboys in my village when I was but a youngling, but after Final Fantasy 8 my mind was already filling with doubt and anxiety. Was my favourite Japanese RPG company starting to churn out rubbish games? Final Fantasy 9 came out later that put my mind at a relative ease, but that was until this abomination, this travesty was purchased by me. It tainted my Playstation 2 with its unholy aura as I put it into the tray of my beloved console ...

ZALMAN ZM-SG100G 09/03/2012

Complete and utter waste of money

ZALMAN ZM-SG100G I'm sorry, I just don't know how this company, this flipping company gets away with selling these flipping pair of 3D glasses for £10 right now. How can they justify selling a pair of plastic rimmed glasses, with a pair of polarised lenses for over £1? You can get reading glasses made from metal and glass for cheaper than you can buy these. I bought, for myself, back when I was this insane gamer freak, a 22” 3D PC monitor made by Zalman that came with these pair of glasses, as well as another pair of clip-on glasses for those that wear glasses. Because I am fat and clumsy and have the grace of a pivoting hippo over a blue lagoon, I sat on my glasses and destroyed them with my significant heft. I was devastated because where else could I buy these 3D glasses from? I didn't wear real glasses so the clip-on ones were pretty much useless. Fret not, I thought to myself, as there was the magical domain of the internets! Simply go to Google and search for a pair of these fabled 3D glasses and enjoy the whimsical world of 3D once again! That was when I came across these new pair for £25, £25 for a pair of plastic 3D spectacles. And it wasn't as if they were powered by batteries or atomic fusion, these were, as I shall remind you, just a plastic frame with a pair of plastic screens. Why did it cost so much? In my ignorance and idiocy, I ordered them anyway, but if I knew then what I know now, I would have visited Zalman HQ and shoved my broken glasses where the sun didn't shine. You ...

Final Fantasy VIII (PS3) 07/03/2012

Final Fantasy Hate!

Final Fantasy VIII (PS3) I used to be the biggest SquareSoft fanboy in my village. In fact I was probably the only SquareSoft fanboy in my village, as everyone else was into Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat. My childhood was just filled with Japanese Role-Playing Game goodness, and I just could not go a day without some turn-based enemy whacking by SquareSoft. They are called Square Enix now after performing fusion with Enix to create a hybrid company. I would have called it Prius myself, but then the Prius didn't exist back then. You would think that in typical Japanese anime format, the fusion technique would enable them to start releasing games that are of amazing quality but no, they released that abysmal nightmare of a used jockstrap game, Final Fantasy XIII, that came out on on the PS3 and XBOX360. That game was so bad that I had lost all faith in Square Enix. The whole reason why SquareSoft fused with Enix, although not mentioned, was that SquareSoft were releasing a bunch of pathetic games that blighted my soul. They made great games like Final Fantasy 6 (or 3 in the USA, I had to get it imported), Xenogears and Final Fantasy 7, but afterwards made massively stupid, sub-par, mediocre games such as The Bouncer, Ergheiz, Final Fantasy X, the Xenosaga series and Einhander. Those games ruined my love for Square, and we were hoping, praying even that when they combined forces with Enix, all would be well. Obviously, it wasn't. Final Fantasy 8 was a game that I played because I was a fanboy, and I ...

Apple iPhone 4 32GB 26/02/2012

iPhone 4 everyone!

Apple iPhone 4 32GB You go to the phone store, you catch a glimpse a spectacular phone in the corner of your eye. It is the iPhone 4, this unnaturally attractive smart phone created by Apple to entice people into parting with their money to own it. The shop assistant walks towards you, smiling, their hands clasped together as if to signify, “Yes, another victim to rip off”. And as they open their mouths to ask if they could help you and if you could put in a good word with their manager for a raise, you say, “Spare me the nonsense, I want that phone now.”You walk out with your phone, your face gleaming with pride and happiness. And then a couple of months down the line, as you're making your merry way down to Sainsburys in your Mercedes A class, you look around and realise something. Everyone else also has an iPhone 4. Owning an iPhone used to be a special experience, you were one of few people that owned one and so you felt unique, as if you were one of the elite. Now, all of a sudden, thanks to Apple marketing or global warming, everyone has an iPhone. When I say everyone, I do mean everyone. The old couple living off their pensions, they use the iPhone 4. The family of 16 living in a 4 bedroom council flat down the road that you bump into occasionally, annoyingly at the local shop, have the iPhone 4. Even the homeless man sleeping at the bus shelter at Tottenham Court Road, the same man that cannot afford food nor warmth nor a roof over his head, has an iPhone 4. Why? How is this even ...

ZAGG invisibleSHIELD for iPhone 4 19/02/2012

Good thing they don't make underpants

ZAGG invisibleSHIELD for iPhone 4 The ZAGG invisibleSHIELD is an amazing product. It is a fantastical plastic product of powerful protective properties, it delivers defiance against dents and dings and dumb-user defects. This stuff is like Dragon skin, you put it on your device and all of a sudden you have no fear of putting it down laying on its front or its back. It gives you the confidence to be a little more aggressive with it, within reason, without worrying about scratches or nicks that devalue the device. What is this stuff made from, why would you want to buy it, and how does it compare to having a normal case? We shall find out. :: ZAGG? What on Earth is a ZAGG? ::It is actually the name of a company based in Utah, USA. They are mainly a company that makes protective, transparent cover plastic sheets to apply over popular electrical devices. They have branched out in recent years to other accessories, such as cases and earphones, but the company's flagship product is, and shall always be, the invisibleSHIELD. It made it's name from the invisibleSHIELD, so I am sure that they will continue to use this to win further acclaim in the future. :: So what exactly is the invisibleSHIELD? ::Well, it's not really invisible, it is just a name that maybe exaggerates a tiny bit, but what American product does not do that? What the invisibleSHIELD is, is a resilient film that was first used to protect U.S. Military helicopter blades from high-speed damage. The owner of ZAGG saw it and thought to himself, “If it ...

Apple iPhone 3GS 32GB 17/02/2012

iPhoned you? You phoned me!

Apple iPhone 3GS 32GB I have always maintained that the Apple iPhones have always been great devices. There will be people that complain about you being a sheep if you bought one or that Apple's phone is highly restrictive with what you can do with it, but to me it is simply a fantastic demonstration of what can be done if great minds come together, forging machines that are easy to use. The iPhone is, put simply, made with style and simplicity. It is restrictive because only the nerds want to poke about with its innards and reprogram it to download porn behind everyone's backs, and it looks good so that people don't have to feel embarrassed when they take it out to use it. Put it this way, if you wanted to take a picture, you simply press on the camera app icon for it to load up, and then you press the take photo button and it takes your photo. Job done. If you add a million options to it, it would be nigh on impossible to use in everyday life, so what Apple have done is keep it as simple as possible so that we do what we want quickly and then get on with our lives. Not all of us want to write a sub-routine that accesses a mainframe to download pictures of nude celebrities. Before I had the iPhone 3GS, the 32GB version for extra storage, I already owned the original iPhone and the iPhone 3G. Upgrading from the first iPhone was an easy choice as the 3G brought with it, shock, 3G mobile internet. It also had a new, more ergonomic design with its curved back, so holding it was more comfortable. ...

Apple iPad 2 Wi-Fi 32 GB 11/02/2012

iPadded out 2 survive

Apple iPad 2 Wi-Fi 32 GB Besides from sounding like a dual-layer, 6 droplet rated lady's sanitary towel with wings, and being as portable as a heaving a dead rat around in your trouser pocket, the iPad 2 is actually a very good device to use. My wife has one, and has used it as a reason to mock me and remind me of my lack of tablet based computing until I got my Sony Tablet S. I can't blame her, because the machine itself is very easy to use, fast, responsive, and the Apple name tag makes its owners turn into rude, fart sniffing members of society. It is basically an oversized iPod Touch, with a higher price tag to go with the scaled up size. There were many jokes made about its predecessor, about it being an oversized phone or just pointless if you already owned an iPhone or iPod Touch, but the critics and haters had to eat their words when the iPad sold so well, thus Apple spawned the iPad 2, with double the power, double the excitement. Today it is the professional device of choice, you would see bankers and middle managers and senior members of a company's directorial tribunal sitting at meetings with their polished suits, checkered socks and wearing shoes that appear to reflect the sun's rays into everybody's eyes, holding one of these contraptions. Instead of the pen and paper note taking of old, they now sit around desks caked in coffee stains and crumbled biscuits, furiously moving their fingers across the screen of their iPad in an attempt type up the meeting minutes, only for it to appear ...

Ideas to celebrate Valentine’s Day 29/01/2012

If 'love' is in the air, use an air purifier. Trust me.

Ideas to celebrate Valentine’s Day I don't know much about Valentine's Day except that it does something that Christmas and Easter do to me when the occasion comes: get robbed in broad daylight and I let them get away with it. There is an occasion for everything nowadays, more opportunity to companies to get us to rummage through our wallets, buying stuff that we usually buy, but at extortionate prices. Valentine's Day is a day that is recognized as a day to celebrate love and buying nonsense. From what I remember, there were two Saints called Valentine, and none of them did or died for anything romantic. This, in my opinion, is how things get twisted and lost in translation over time, like French Fries. I still celebrate it though, like a sheep. I wasn't some sort of Lord of love and sex, therefore I have crap ideas for the day, but what I can do is share with you three previous experiences of those days and, with the benefit of hindsight, what my thoughts are on what occurred, condensed. 1) China White restaurantGirlfriend at the time in a sexy little black dress, I myself looked like a cocky banker. Was still a student at the time, so had little money. Had a credit card with a £3,500 limit purely for the evening, to impress my ladyfriend. We arrived on horseback (black cab), and enjoyed a relatively calm evening with great food and rather expensive drinks, like pink champagne. Later we were at the bar, her smile sparkled and I pretty much said yes to all of her demands that night. I was the man. ...

Sony Tablet S SGPT111 16 GB 23/01/2012

Time to take my Tablet S

Sony Tablet S SGPT111 16 GB "Holy crap! Sony made a device that is worth buying? No way!" My jaw dropped to the floor, my palms were sweaty, there were butterflies in my stomach. You cannot fathom the depths of desperation I had go endure as I searched for a replacement to my ill-fated Blackberry PlayBook. There was much research gone into possible alternative tablets before I took the PlayBook back to the store for exchange, and my wife was constantly rubbing in the fact that her iPad 2, the one I got her, was better than the PlayBook in every way. My search turned up hardly anything worth considering, I nearly gave up hope and prepared to reside myself to the fact that my wife would be boasting endlessly for the coming months, and I was to be without tablet based computing. Was my search in vain? But then I came across this magical device, a machine so awesome it makes its contemporary equivalents look like cheap chinese rip offs. This, my friends, is the Sony Tablet S. I was on my quest, adventuring along the legendary path of Tottenham Court Road, looking for the treasure grove called the Sony Center. Within that grove/store, there were two tablets that happened to be on display, and they were the horrifying ladies clutch bag of a tablet called the Sony Tablet P, and the fantastic men's folded magazine, the Sony Tablet S. I fell in love with its sleekness, its speed and the reasonable price. I played around with it, adored its interface and loved its responsiveness. Mental note made, PlayBook with ...

BlackBerry PlayBook 16GB 19/01/2012

I tried really hard to like it, but...

BlackBerry PlayBook 16GB FLASH! AH AH! That flipping advert does nothing to make this device any more desirable. It is a machine that bares the label of Blackberry, and in the recent London riots, it has not been a good few months for the Canadian company at all. The rioters were using BBM (BlackBerry Messenger) to message other Blackberry users for free, inciting other users to commit riotous acts upon the hapless citizens of London. It brought to light that Blackberry, once touted as the business phone of choice, was now a popular phone for teenaged, working class children that used the riots as an opportunity to ransack shops, stores and even people’s homes. Obviously, as a result of this, anything Blackberry is now seen as a device for the yob that likes to commit acts of crime and wear ASBOs like a trophy. I swear, some of these ‘gangs’ have a reward scheme where if you collect 5 ASBOs, you can trade them in for a bar of Double Decker or something. The Playbook is an unfortunate victim when this occurred. It was released before the riots, and even then it received less than desirable reviews from gadget magazines and websites due to its bespoke operating system. There was a massive price drop recently where the cost of the device costs less than half the amount it did, a 64GB tablet now costs £269 as opposed to it being £559 when it first came out, a huge £290 discount, yet the negative news of Blackberry in recent memory contributed to the sales remaining poor. It is a shame because the tablet ...

Apple iPod touch 32 GB (4 GEN) 14/01/2012

I was iPod Touched. Good touch.

Apple iPod touch 32 GB (4 GEN) Oh the 4th generation iPod Touch, what a way for Apple to make money on the man who could not purchase an iPhone. So as a consolation prize, he can keep using his rubbish, ugly, pathetic, recycled sock of a candybar phone and buy this instead, a device that has 95% of the iPhone's functionality, minus the contracts, the headaches, and all of the insane price tag. This, in essence, is a device for the financially insecure. A device that just exists for the sake of making money on those that cannot afford the iPhone 4's mad upfront costs and monthly contract. To simply say that it is an iPhone minus the phone is an understatement, it also minuses your street cred. If you go out, visiting shops or just using public transport, you will see a man taking out a shiny iPhone-shaped device from his inside pocket. Then, for some inexplicable reason, his phone goes off so he takes out his Blackberry. That is when you will spot that he has an iPod Touch, and that he is one of them people who desires an iPhone 4, but could not afford it nor its upkeep, sort of like how middle aged men buy Porsche Boxster because they could not afford the 911, even though they know everyone will laugh, they buy it anyway. Of course, this doesn't apply to everyone, some people do own it purely because it is a great media device with internet magicks, but I promise you that generally, 99% of the time, it is because that person does not work hard enough to be honoured with one. I happened to be one of ...

Gainward 8800GTX PCX TV Dual DVI Graphics card 768 MB GDDR3 SDRAM 08/01/2012

A powerful card, even today

Gainward 8800GTX PCX TV Dual DVI Graphics card 768 MB GDDR3 SDRAM There is no way to make a graphics card review interesting. People with no interest at all in graphics card will read a review about a graphics card, not understand the jargon at all, and then just glaze over like a cup cake. Enthusiasts would lap up the jargon and the technical terms and the numbers. It is like trying to review a type of wool for knitting and then getting an average man to read it and get into it. There would be smoke coming out of his ears *Does not compute... knitting... wool... what?* So I shall do my best to make this review as simple as possible and emphasise the main parts that make this graphics card so good for you see, it has served me faithfully for many years. I remember it was Winter of 2006, I had just graduated from university and my mind was just full of ways to relax after the stress and torment of exams and revision. All I could think about was beer, sex, food and gaming (in that order). My brother, the great sibling that he is, thought he would buy me a present to celebrate my passage from a boy to a man with an expensive piece of paper that won't guarantee me a job. He got me a Gainward 8800 GTX graphics card. This card was, for the time, the fastest card in the whole wide world. The beast of a card costed the better part of £400, so I was blown away by the extremely generous gift. I thanked him so much for it, but he said something that made me shut up. "It would help you forget about the debt you now have to repay for the rest of your ...

MOTOROLA ATRIX 4G 31/12/2011

A phone that is a part of the family

MOTOROLA ATRIX 4G I thought I would end the year with a review of a product that is very dear to me. That product is the Motorola Atrix 4G, an Android smart phone that seems like any other top of the range smart phone available to purchase, but for me this is the phone I will keep using for the next few years. This phone has become pretty much a part of me and a part of the family. I have a few reviews already about other phones, but this phone was one I picked up for myself after going through a plethora of phones that did not make me 100% happy. I have an iPhone 4 as a business phone so I know they are great, so I use that as a yard stick to see if a flagship phone from a company is any good, regardless of brand, operating system or price. I picked this phone up about the end of September when I was desperately trying to replace the Samsung Omnia 7 my wife bought for me. I appreciated the thought, but the phone itself lacked many features and freedoms that I was really fond of in Android and the iPhone. My driving factors were: A) The phone had to be dual core so that it would be future proof for at least another year B) Be an Android phone C) Be unlocked/SIM free D) Be affordable E) Be fast and efficient My search led me to the Motorola Atrix, a phone for a time held the title of fastest smart phone in the world. When I say 'a time' it was about 2 weeks, many phones came out afterwards with dual cores like the Samsung Galaxy S2, and were slightly faster than it. As a result, the price ...

Sony Xperia X8 29/12/2011

A flippin' horrifying phone. Do not buy.

Sony Xperia X8 The Sony Ericsson XPERIA X8 is appalling in every way. It was nearing Christmas at the time and I had yet to buy something for the mother-in-law, so my wife suggested a new smart phone. Being that my mother-in-law adores Sony so much, we decided that it had to be a Sony phone, despite the fact that Samsung does make better, nicer, shinier, faster, sexier phones than Sony. I was at Carphone Warehouse, it was Christmas Eve and the time was getting late. I approached a man working there and asked him for a cheap Sony smart phone. He immediately pointed me towards the black XPERIA X8, and in his words (not mine), said, “This phone is great! It has many features and very easy to use. The screen is very clear and if you buy it on any prepay network other than 3, the phone is unlocked! It’s only £99 (plus £10 mandatory top up).” The unlocked, SIM free feature sold it to me, so if my mother-in-law doesn’t want to be with the network I got for her, she can swap it for another SIM of her choosing. Besides, a SIM free phone costs £149, so I would be effectively saving £50 (£40 if you ignore the £10 compulsory top up). Phone in one hand, wallet lighter in the other, I made my way home and presented to my mother-in-law a poorly wrapped phone using Christmas wrapping paper that I just tore off from a big roll. However, I made it in time, so all was well. I did not see my mother-in-law unwrapping my present as I was busy in the kitchen checking on the turkey, but according to my wife, ...
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