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reddragonflame87

reddragonflame87

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I now live in Florida, so I probably won't be posting here again. Sorry!

Reviews written

since 18/12/2004

83

Dead or Alive: Xtreme 2 (Xbox 360) 20/06/2010

Boobies, bikinis, babes... bloody bad. Bypass, bro.

Dead or Alive: Xtreme 2 (Xbox 360) I have played some awful games in my life. I mean it. I’ve played games I’m embarrassed to name. I’ve played Bus Simulator. I’ve played Tamagotchi: Corner Shop. I’ve played Gremlins on the Gameboy. But this. Ooooh this. Dead or Alive: Xtreme 2 is the sequel to Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball, which is in itself an example of how stupidly long titles suck when you need to shorten them for the sequels. The pitch for this game is simple: take the sexy DOA babes, take away their clothes, and release a cheap game for extreme fanboys to masturbate to, silently, late at night. That... well, that’s it. I’d love to end the review there because frankly I feel violated discussing it further. It feels like I’m confessing wasting my time with this game, and I’m half expecting somebody to come and slap me across the face as punishment. But here goes. So Zack Island is brought back to life by aliens (not lying) and the DOA girls are lured by Zack once again (not lying). I chose Kitami, everybody’s favourite bouncy babe, who shows up believing her long-lost brother is on the island (not lying). Upon realising he isn’t she realises what a fool she is, what a jerk Zack is, murders him with her kung fu and continues with her search. HAH no, I am lying there, she instead decides to take all her clothes off and play volleyball with a conveniently similarly-naked chick who just happens to be walking through the woods and rubbing against the trees (not lying). Ah well, so the story is ...

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad (Xbox 360) 19/06/2010

NEWSFLASH: Sex sells, apparently

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad (Xbox 360) On the surface it may appear to be absolutely perfect. The title alone is indicative of a brilliant game, and when you throw zombies into the mix you can’t help but giggle in girlish anticipation, expecting an erotic Left 4 Dead gaming experience. Sadly, all is not as it seems. Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad earns immediate yellow cards for having a very misleading title – there are only three girls, two samurai, and only a single bikini... not what I’d call a squad. You can’t really fault the game for this (although I just did, but shut up, these are my words and you’ll take what you’re given damn it) however, since the “Bikini” is pretty much its sole selling point. Let’s back up a bit. The “story”, and I use the term so loosely there’s a 90% chance your browser crashed when it loaded this sentence, is this. The two main characters, Aya and Saki, are part of a cursed bloodline that causes them to go totally Keith Richards whenever they find themselves covered in the blood and guts of others. While this is something that I can’t imagine proving too much of a problem in day to day life it does serve to present the unique gameplay mechanic that I’ll touch on shortly. Somehow this connects to zombies being released (having beaten the game a couple of times I’m still unsure of this connection) which serve as the game’s fodder, and a mysterious group of suited men attempting to capture one of our young heroines. Joined along the way by a sexy sassy gun-wielding agent by ...

CHI 1 Inch Ceramic Flat Hairstyling Iron 19/06/2010

Straighten strays straightaway

CHI 1 Inch Ceramic Flat Hairstyling Iron I'm not a woman, despite what many may think. I'm also not as in touch with female needs as my Facebook page may lead you to believe. Ergo, my logic lead me to believe I would entrust Mrs Reddragonflame87 to write this review for me. Enjoy! ----- Hair products can easily be a woman's best friend. Women are always out to impress and don't want to leave the house looking a mess. How would they prevent such a thing you ask? By using the Chi hair straightener! There are many people out there that want to have straight hair and it can be easily accomplished just by simply applying the Chi hair straightener to it. Now, I have tried many different hair straighteners such as Conair and Remington, and none can even compare to the amazing Chi. Those other brands leave your hair frizzy, fried, and fugly. See what I did there? The Chi is absolutely amazing and such a wonderful purchase. Whenever I use this straightener, it leaves my hair feeling very smooth and gives it a shiny look. All of the frizz that I once had with my old straighteners, is no longer visible. Not to mention, my hair stays straight for the WHOLE day. Usually when I straighten my hair with other straighteners, it's not long until my hair starts going wavy and just looking plain awful. It really does suck having to spend all that time in the morning straightening your hair, for it to just go to waste. I bet you're wondering what other great features this straightener has since I have already hyped it up so much, ...

My Boyfriend (Nintendo DS) 02/12/2009

Dog poo, sluts, and competitions to see who can "Beat Off"..?

My Boyfriend (Nintendo DS) There are many things women can't do. They can't drive, they can't play video games, and they can't read for more than 15 minutes at a time without having to pause to do something ladylike, like cooking or doing the washing up. One thing they are able to do is get guys. And girls, sometimes - let's be honest, we've seen it, we're all on the internet - but that's beside the point. I'm here to talk about My Boyfriend. Don't get too excited lads, I'm not coming out the closet, I mean the DS game. My Boyfriend is one of many (generally awful) games on the DS aimed at young / teen girls and is one of the few games from that demographic that don't have "Imagine" stapled to it. While that already gains it some bonus points it almost goes without saying that this game is awful. Sure, I'm not young, or a teen, or a girl, but I still feel qualified enough to call it bad. The game begins with you picking a name for yourself and picking your dream guy. I named my lass Fat Tanya (because if there's one thing teenage girls need it's self-confidence and weight issues) and picked my dream guy as somebody tall, dark, handsome, and musical (the idea being if he was exactly like me it'd be less gay). The game plunges STRAIGHT into the action by having your hopelessly socially inept girl texting her friend about some dreamy guy she's seen who, believe it or not, is tall, dark, handsome, and musical. The rest of the game is basically set around trying to get this guy to fall in love with you ...

Britain's got talent....or has it? 10/06/2009

It all Boyles down to this...

Britain's got talent....or has it? Let's face it. Being plonked in front of three angry, judgmental people who are waiting to jeer at your mistakes (and encorage others to do so) is incredibly daunting. But then parents evenings were never meant to be fun, right? Moving beyond school the only place people can get their fix of judgmental jeering is on TV with shows like Britain's Got Talent and X Factor. And let's be honest - on the whole it's rather entertaining. Nothing amuses me more than watching an asinine fool who believes he can dance tripping over himself on television. It's a laugh. The kind of laugh you may feel slightly guilty about afterwards, like watching a lady in a wheelchair rolling down a hill screaming "I CAN'T STOP!!", but a laugh none-the-less. Something you can talk to your mates about. Sometimes even the genuinely talented acts are entertaining too. But the thing I find myself wondering is this - is it fair to use these acts as a representation of Britain? And beyond that, is it fair to tell those acts who are less, um, "skilled" that they don't have talent? I am not somebody who found themselves compusively obsessed with reality TV. Big Brother was fun for a while until it became a sorry sight of screaming, sex, and scandal (I mean, c'mon, talk about detracting from the whole bleedin' point of the show) and most talent shows are only fun for the naff acts, as I mentioned earlier. As such I followed BGT this year with a kind of derisive bemusement. I found it very funny that Susan ...

Atlus The Dark Spire (Nintendo DS) 25/05/2009

"Keep rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin'..."

Atlus The Dark Spire (Nintendo DS) I have a slight penchant for games that challenge me. Not that I enjoy losing - I mean, I've thrown a fair few childish hissy fits in my time when I've been convinced the computer is cheating, but I do love the delightful feeling of finally mastering something that has been, up to the conquest, a solid brick wall. This penchant meant that when I read about The Dark Spire on the DS and discovered that it's supposedly hair-rippingly tough, I felt a few quivers of excitement. The Dark Spire is an incredibly old school RPG that sees you controlling a guild, specifically a party of four members of the guild, and sending your little team into a tower with the sole intention of destroying a sorceror. While this story isn't exactly revolutionary it serves its purpose, particularly since you'll probably forget about the sorceror around the time you get killed by a group of mushrooms because you don't have a clue what you're doing. The team you control is entirely customisable in terms of stats, equipment, race, class, and name, although the game is pretty much impossible without having a team comprising of a warrior, mage, priest, and thief of the races they're most suited for. You roll dice for the stats, can reroll if you don't like them, and you will probably spend a good chunk of an hour just getting them to be good enough to play with. This idea of "rolling" is used throughout the game - it's a Dungeons and Dragons style dungeon crawl where rolls are used to determine damage ...

Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars (Nintendo DS) 23/05/2009

There's a "noodly appendage" joke to make here...

Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars (Nintendo DS) Sigh, so many nights on my way home from work I've stopped and looked around, considering how simple it'd be to break into a car, go on a crime spree, kill hundreds of people, and drive into a lake to my untimely watery demise. Then I remember that in real life you don't just spawn at hospital without your weapons, take a deep breath, and carry on walking. Grand Theft Auto is a stupendously popular games series that started as a frankly appallingly bad game on the Playstation and always sees you controlling an anti-hero of sorts as you commit crimes and complete missions to earn money and advance. The first two games were rather naff as they had a horrible two-dimensional birds eye view and pointlessly bad controls, but when the series made the jump to 3D the popularity exploded. San Andreas and GTA4 in particular were considered absolute breakthroughs, and with games such as Vice City Stories on the PSP it was inevitable that the DS would be graced with a GTA game. So, we have Chinatown Wars. You control Huang Lee, a frustratingly gullible Chinese guy who is attacked and left to fend for himself in Liberty City after finding himself in the middle of an enormous gang war between several mobsters including his own peculiar uncle. It's pretty much the same tried-and-tested formula and it works well enough. You have the normal open gameplay, although it's a little more linear in GTA:CW (as it shall be referred to as from now on - I'm too lazy to write Grand Theft Auto: ...

Guitar Hero: World Tour (Xbox 360) 05/02/2009

Hit that, hit that snare

Guitar Hero: World Tour (Xbox 360) Guitar Hero. Almost every gamer in the world has heard of this particular series of button-mashing finger-blistering music games. The relatively surprising success of the graphically atrocious and slightly tetchy first game (honestly, who has actually mastered the hammer-on system in GH1?) spawned two sequels and two genre-specific expansion-style games before reaching the Rock Band clone I'm reviewing today, with the two sequels being adored nearly universally. But enough of that background information. The concept behind Guitar Hero is very simple. You hold a guitar shaped controller with five buttons on the fret bar, hold one down, and strum by pushing a small bar up or down. Simple to learn but insanely difficult to master, as anybody who's ever attempted to five-star some of the more tricky songs will tell you. Guitar Hero: World Tour (hereafter GHWT, because I'm lazy) brings something new to the series by... well, by rather shamelessly ripping off Rock Band. Instead of there being two options to play with, lead and rhythm or bass, there are now four - lead guitar, bass guitar, drums, and vocals. That is all I shall say on the instruments for now as I'd rather like to review them separately. With the introduction out of the way, let's get down to business. It isn't often I'll lose all optimism in a series of anything. Like a fool I still cross my fingers every time I hear a new Sonic the Hedgehog game is coming out, hoping in vain that it'll be based on ...

Pokémon Diamond (Nintendo DS) 31/01/2009

Not just a girl's best friend, apparently

Pokémon Diamond (Nintendo DS) Ah, Pokémon. I'm sure most people here remember this craze totally taking over their lives when they were little. It was the new Tamagotchi, the new light-up trainers, the yo-yo of the video game world. Over ten years, nearly a dozen movies, hundreds of TV shows, a hit trading card game, thousands of spin-off products and several generations of games later we arrive at the DS. Pokémon Pearl and Pokémon Diamond. So, what's changed? Why is the series worth revisiting again? Well, not much has changed really. Sure, it's prettier and noisier and there are even more of the pesky little blighters to catch but the core gameplay remains exactly the same. Is this a bad thing? That's pretty much down to you. But then I'm not the kind of person who enjoys finishing a review in a few short paragraphs. For those new to the franchise a Pokémon game is based around a hero traveling around a continent collecting, training and battling creatures called Pokémon. These can resemble animals like sheep, rabbits, or owls, or be entirely unlike anything you've ever seen. You run into opposing trainers to battle, collect badges at Pokémon Gyms (a kind of boss battle), fight off a rival, and explore sub plots often by battling an evil organisation. Starting up Pokémon Diamond was as such reassuring since I was immediately able to name the hero and the rival, and within ten minutes of playing I had my first Pokémon and some familiar "go to this town" objectives. The first thing to ...

Crisis Core - Final Fantasy VII (PSP) 23/11/2008

Core, what a Crisis!

Crisis Core - Final Fantasy VII (PSP) Final Fantasy 7. Hoo boy. Back when I was a rosy cheeked lad I played FF7 until my thumbs bled. It's one of the most critically acclaimed games ever to exist, and has spawned a startlingly large (and regularly creepy) fanbase. It deserved to - no game has ever spun a story quite as intricate as FF7, and no game has ever caused fully grown men to cry in quite the same way. Not that I cried or anything. Cough. Erm, moving on... Several attempts have been made to cash in on FF7. A movie was made with a story barely related to the game and with most of the characters being mere cameos forced into the action at the end, and the whole film just turned into a giant "Cloud v. Sephiroth" Dragonball Z style bust up while the rest of the cast looked on nodding their heads making bold and somewhat unlikely psychoanalytical comments. There have also been cameos made by the characters in other games. Kingdom Hearts proudly presents Sephiroth as an insanely challenging boss, one of the highlights of the game in fact, and Kingdom Hearts 2 does the same. Ehrgeiz, a little known title on the PS1, has a few characters as playable fighters. Dirge of Cerberus was the first full game (excluding the mobile phone games) produced. Eager fans snatched it up, completely unaware that we'd been given nothing but a shallow third-person shooter. Ironically, it's actually very easy to play through the whole of FF7 without even knowing Vincent exists, so being given his own game was a little ...

Disaster Movie (DVD) 13/10/2008

*Insert "haw haw what a Disaster" joke here*

Disaster Movie (DVD) It isn't very often I review something bad. I don't know why if I'm totally honest. I guess I'm just too positive a person. Maybe I'm just very easily pleased. It's probably the latter, although I like to think I'm still a cynical enough person to be a suitable critic. You need to understand that when I do come across something really bad I tend to just shrug it off and move on. I saw Good Luck Chuck in the cinema and didn't feel too violated afterwards. I played Crisis Core and did my best to ignore the negative effects on my brain. But this. This was unforgivable. This was awful. This was atrocious. It should probably have come as no surprise. Outside of the Scary Movie series the *insert genre here* Movie franchise is genuinely appalling, generating nearly universally bad ratings and reviews. Epic Movie is one of the worst things I've ever watched, Meet The Spartans is apparently worse, and Date Movie is the visual equivalent of sticking stinging nettles up your wee hole. So why did I watch Disaster Movie? Honestly, I don't know. I think I must have been feeling mildly suicidal. Anyway. Where should I begin? The movies premise is the same as every other Movie before it - spoof the hell out of a certain genre of movie for hilarity. Unfortunately they seem to have completely forgotten the Disaster part of the movie and instead opted to spoof largely adventure and superhero movies. Why, I couldn't say. There are also rather perplexing spoofs of Juno, ...

Tesco Diet Fiery Ginger Beer 01/10/2008

A ginger you can love

Tesco Diet Fiery Ginger Beer Mmmf. Mmmkle. Mmmmmrf. ATCHOO! *Sniffle* Mmmmmmmm noooo can't move, throat hurts, nose hurts, gaaaahrhghhhhgh. Sound familiar? Probably does. Every man and his dog seems to be coming down with the flu at the moment and it sucks. So who fancies a bit of an alternative cure? I sure did. So I trotted off to Tesco looking for a big ol' fizzy drink that'd clear my throat. I spotted a Fiery Ginger Beer, but after pushing Graham Norton out of the way (oh yes, I went there) I returned with a big bottle containing a ginger flavoured carbonated beverage. Tesco Diet Fiery Ginger Beer - Made With Ginger Root Extract. Sure, it doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but it was eye catching enough. Fifty pence is a decent price for any drink so I wasn't loathe to part with it to try something a little different to what I usually drink. The bottle is presented nicely enough with it's dark semi-opaque colouring, although I dislike it when I can't see the drink inside. After all, it could have bits of sandwich in it, and if the local papers are anything to go by that would be catastrophic coming from a Tesco. The label looks a bit meh but that's mostly because ginger roots look a bit like poo. Anyway. Opening the bottle immediately releases a strong smell of ginger, and as sombeody who has tried the "pricier" types of ginger beer I was surprised to discover it smells identical to some of the fancier brands. Considering how cheap it is for two litres you would expect a far ...

Plays/Screenplays 21/07/2008

Lookalike - a radio comedy

Plays/Screenplays A forewarning: This contains many incredibly sexual innuendos and may well offend. If you're easily put off by homosexual references, crude humour, and general naughiness, look away now. Also, the format was butchered when I pasted this over from Celtx, I do apologise. This is an audio play I've had to write for college. It made me chuckle when I read it back, so I thought I'd let everyone enjoy it! --------------- --------------- - THE BREAK UP (Muffled footsteps are heard. MICK giggles cheekily. a door opens and closes.) MICK Hey JEFF JEFF (DISTRACTED) Oh... hey sugar MICK (CONCERNED) Are you ok baby? What's wrong? JEFF Nothing's wrong. Don't worry. Nothing's wrong at all. Everything's fine. Everything's perfect, in fact. Nothing to worry about at all. Nothing whatsoever. Everything's incredible. Aren't you incredible? I'm incredible. (VOICE RISING) Look, we need to talk, ok!? MICK O - kay then.... what's on your mind? JEFF Well, have you seen the news today? Something caught my eye - MICK (Interrupting excitedly and speaking quickly and loudly) You mean the story about the old woman who went totally psychotic, stripped naked and started running around the city, broke in to a nursery, viciously attacked the children, pulled all their eyeballs out, put them in a bag, then started throwing them at people whilst screeching "I SEE YOUR SECRETS! I SEE YOUR SECRETS!"? JEFF Erm, no... not that ...

Silent Hill 3 (PS2) 18/07/2008

The silence is broken… by me crying like a baby

Silent Hill 3 (PS2) Who here has read my Silent Hill 2 review? Now, half of you with your hands up are either shaking your fists angrily or agreeing wholeheartedly. I hated Silent Hill 2. I really hated it. I hated it with a passion, in fact. I hated it more than I've hated anything in a long time of hating. I'll spit venom about that game until I die. I hated almost everything about it, praising nothing but the graphics and the sounds. Why, then, did I buy Silent Hill 3? Simple, really… I loved the movie, and figured the franchise deserved a second chance. I'm incredibly glad to say Silent Hill 3 changed my mind. Behold one of the most incredible and, importantly, terrifying games I've ever played. Where to begin? I guess with the story. So you play as generic-horror-teen-hero who's struggling to come to terms with her world slowly merging with the Silent Hill world. The game makes a bold start by not actually setting itself in Silent Hill for the first half of the game, which despite making you wonder why it bears the badge of Silent Hill is still incredibly effective and makes for some very original dungeon sections. Embarking on a misadventure of sorts, you guide young Heather through terrifying double-worlds full of creepy monsters, creaky floorboards, buckets of blood and guts, and an assortment of zany and crazed characters. I must again praise the graphics. They really do exceed expectations, and with some levels - the dark side of the hospital in particular - you'd ...

Patapon (PSP) 03/07/2008

Chaka-Chaka-Pata-Pon!

Patapon (PSP) The pretty, perky and popular PSP platformer LocoRoco was one hell of a surprise hit. Nobody could have anticipated that something so simple would be so well received. It was a solid budget title that fast became one of the "must owns" for Sony's somewhat underused handheld. Why was it so popular? Almost certainly because it was attractive to all audiences. Youngsters would appreciate the pretty graphics and cheerful sounds, teenagers would appreciate the rather shocking difficulty of some levels, and adults would appreciate the incredibly simple controls. All of this should be considered when you think about the game Patapon, the newest rhythm game from the same company. If I told you right now that there was a game about walking talking eyeballs with a fetishistic love of percussion you'd probably knee me in the knackers and tell me to stay away from your family. But as I grip your leg, tears of pain flowing down my cheek, and breathlessly insist whilst showing you screenshots, you'd probably be intrigued. I know I was. I'm heavily into music and percussion (hey, you know what they say about us beatboxers) so it was a definite purchase for me. The first thing that stands out about this game is a price. £20 for a brand new PSP doesn't happen very often, and since I got it for even less ($20, wouldn't you believe - that's £10 for the uninitiated. They were also selling full Rockband sets for $160 in the same store. Go figure) I was immediately a happy chap. The ...
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