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I now live in Florida, so I probably won't be posting here again. Sorry!

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since 18/12/2004


Dead or Alive: Xtreme 2 (Xbox 360) 20/06/2010

Boobies, bikinis, babes... bloody bad. Bypass, bro.

Dead or Alive: Xtreme 2 (Xbox 360) I have played some awful games in my life. I mean it. I’ve played games I’m embarrassed to name. I’ve played Bus Simulator. I’ve played Tamagotchi: Corner Shop. I’ve played Gremlins on the Gameboy. But this. Ooooh this. Dead or Alive: Xtreme 2 is the sequel to Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball, which is in itself an example of how stupidly long titles suck when you need to shorten them for the sequels. The pitch for this game is simple: take the sexy DOA babes, take away their clothes, and release a cheap game for extreme fanboys to masturbate to, silently, late at night. That... well, that’s it. I’d love to end the review there because frankly I feel violated discussing it further. It feels like I’m confessing wasting my time with this game, and I’m half expecting somebody to come and slap me across the face as punishment. But here goes. So Zack Island is brought back to life by aliens (not lying) and the DOA girls are lured by Zack once again (not lying). I chose Kitami, everybody’s favourite bouncy babe, who shows up believing her long-lost brother is on the island (not lying). Upon realising he isn’t she realises what a fool she is, what a jerk Zack is, murders him with her kung fu and continues with her search. HAH no, I am lying there, she instead decides to take all her clothes off and play volleyball with a conveniently similarly-naked chick who just happens to be walking through the woods and rubbing against the trees (not lying). Ah well, so the story is ...

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad (Xbox 360) 19/06/2010

NEWSFLASH: Sex sells, apparently

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad (Xbox 360) On the surface it may appear to be absolutely perfect. The title alone is indicative of a brilliant game, and when you throw zombies into the mix you can’t help but giggle in girlish anticipation, expecting an erotic Left 4 Dead gaming experience. Sadly, all is not as it seems. Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad earns immediate yellow cards for having a very misleading title – there are only three girls, two samurai, and only a single bikini... not what I’d call a squad. You can’t really fault the game for this (although I just did, but shut up, these are my words and you’ll take what you’re given damn it) however, since the “Bikini” is pretty much its sole selling point. Let’s back up a bit. The “story”, and I use the term so loosely there’s a 90% chance your browser crashed when it loaded this sentence, is this. The two main characters, Aya and Saki, are part of a cursed bloodline that causes them to go totally Keith Richards whenever they find themselves covered in the blood and guts of others. While this is something that I can’t imagine proving too much of a problem in day to day life it does serve to present the unique gameplay mechanic that I’ll touch on shortly. Somehow this connects to zombies being released (having beaten the game a couple of times I’m still unsure of this connection) which serve as the game’s fodder, and a mysterious group of suited men attempting to capture one of our young heroines. Joined along the way by a sexy sassy gun-wielding agent by ...

CHI 1 Inch Ceramic Flat Hairstyling Iron 19/06/2010

Straighten strays straightaway

My Boyfriend (Nintendo DS) 02/12/2009

Dog poo, sluts, and competitions to see who can "Beat Off"..?

My Boyfriend (Nintendo DS) There are many things women can't do. They can't drive, they can't play video games, and they can't read for more than 15 minutes at a time without having to pause to do something ladylike, like cooking or doing the washing up. One thing they are able to do is get guys. And girls, sometimes - let's be honest, we've seen it, we're all on the internet - but that's beside the point. I'm here to talk about My Boyfriend. Don't get too excited lads, I'm not coming out the closet, I mean the DS game. My Boyfriend is one of many (generally awful) games on the DS aimed at young / teen girls and is one of the few games from that demographic that don't have "Imagine" stapled to it. While that already gains it some bonus points it almost goes without saying that this game is awful. Sure, I'm not young, or a teen, or a girl, but I still feel qualified enough to call it bad. The game begins with you picking a name for yourself and picking your dream guy. I named my lass Fat Tanya (because if there's one thing teenage girls need it's self-confidence and weight issues) and picked my dream guy as somebody tall, dark, handsome, and musical (the idea being if he was exactly like me it'd be less gay). The game plunges STRAIGHT into the action by having your hopelessly socially inept girl texting her friend about some dreamy guy she's seen who, believe it or not, is tall, dark, handsome, and musical. The rest of the game is basically set around trying to get this guy to fall in love with you ...

Britain's got talent....or has it? 10/06/2009

It all Boyles down to this...

Atlus The Dark Spire (Nintendo DS) 25/05/2009

"Keep rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin'..."

Atlus The Dark Spire (Nintendo DS) I have a slight penchant for games that challenge me. Not that I enjoy losing - I mean, I've thrown a fair few childish hissy fits in my time when I've been convinced the computer is cheating, but I do love the delightful feeling of finally mastering something that has been, up to the conquest, a solid brick wall. This penchant meant that when I read about The Dark Spire on the DS and discovered that it's supposedly hair-rippingly tough, I felt a few quivers of excitement. The Dark Spire is an incredibly old school RPG that sees you controlling a guild, specifically a party of four members of the guild, and sending your little team into a tower with the sole intention of destroying a sorceror. While this story isn't exactly revolutionary it serves its purpose, particularly since you'll probably forget about the sorceror around the time you get killed by a group of mushrooms because you don't have a clue what you're doing. The team you control is entirely customisable in terms of stats, equipment, race, class, and name, although the game is pretty much impossible without having a team comprising of a warrior, mage, priest, and thief of the races they're most suited for. You roll dice for the stats, can reroll if you don't like them, and you will probably spend a good chunk of an hour just getting them to be good enough to play with. This idea of "rolling" is used throughout the game - it's a Dungeons and Dragons style dungeon crawl where rolls are used to determine damage ...

Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars (Nintendo DS) 23/05/2009

There's a "noodly appendage" joke to make here...

Guitar Hero: World Tour (Xbox 360) 05/02/2009

Hit that, hit that snare

Pokémon Diamond (Nintendo DS) 31/01/2009

Not just a girl's best friend, apparently

Crisis Core - Final Fantasy VII (PSP) 23/11/2008

Core, what a Crisis!

Disaster Movie (DVD) 13/10/2008

*Insert "haw haw what a Disaster" joke here*

Tesco Diet Fiery Ginger Beer 01/10/2008

A ginger you can love

Plays/Screenplays 21/07/2008

Lookalike - a radio comedy

Silent Hill 3 (PS2) 18/07/2008

The silence is broken… by me crying like a baby

Patapon (PSP) 03/07/2008


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