When I was expecting my child I read. I read anything I could get my hands on, subscribed to all the mother and baby magazines, bought the self-help books, I just devoured every single piece of information I could to help me understand what giving birth would be like. I would say now that I possibly knew too much, and at the same time not nearly enough! I thought by preparing myself I would enable myself to make labour as 'sweet' as possible.

Hardy har har.

It turns out Labour is called labour for a reason! And not one of the Mother and Baby magazines prepared me for a labour which wasn't text-book. I had never expected it to be easy, nor had I expected it to traumatise me the way it had so I feel now that if I were to have another child I would be prepared in a way that only a second time mother can be. There are no rose tinted glasses now. And to start my review on a positive note; I would go through it all in a flash if it meant we were to have another little one. Mother nature is a wonderful woman- my head says no way, never again, yet my body yearns to give birth again.

Pregnancy
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I had a relatively easy pregnancy compared to a lot of women. We were in a bad car accident at 10 weeks when I had some spotting and I feared I was going to lose the baby, but a scan showed things were looking good. Then at 17 weeks I ended up having to have an ambulance called one morning as I was having pains and needed checked out. Again thankfully things were fine. We found out we were having a little boy at the 23 week scan, and spent most of the nine months patting my huge bump and singing him songs. Although the pregnancy had been unplanned it was very much wanted. I was consumed by the fact that I was having a baby and I just couldn't wait to meet him.

At this stage I would like to say that with hindsight, and with no disrespect to first time mothers who are also trying to prepare themselves, there is absolutely no preparation that can have you ready for this experience. I very much feel that I was a naïve little girl until I gave birth, as there is an enlightening that happens after that experience that is incomprehendable if you haven't had the experience. And I feel now that a women of 15, changes as much as a woman of 35 after it. I understand that sounds patronising, but I hope any mothers out there reading this understand what I'm saying. I grew up after giving birth. The minute the baby was out my whole life changed. It was the defining moment of me. I never was told this by any of the magazines… They never really told the full and graphic truth of childbirth.

Labour
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The day that labour started for me, I was like a monster. My husband came home to find the house stinking of Dettol (ohh the nesting!) I was 2 days from my hot August due date and sweating like a pig on a spit. Im quite small and the baby was showing to be big on the scans. My fundus was charted to show that bubs was over 9lb, although this turned out to be off target. I also had borderline high blood pressure and was full of fluid. Charming thought eh!? I felt as if I was going to be pregnant forever and snapped his head off when he dropped a piece of paper on my clean floor.

Over the previous two weeks I had eaten copius amounts of pineapple, bounced non-stop on my birthing ball, took my raspberry leave tea, tried awkward 9 month sex, ate curries, anything I could think of to bring on labour as I was so uncomfy. There were no signs of labour coming, although I had had the runs violently the night before (Too much info!) It turns out that this was my body clearing itself out to begin the process. My hubby took me to McDonalds after I calmed down and I had a McChicken Premiere and we went to visit my mum. We were staying there that night which was good as it was close to the hospital.

At 1am I woke feeling a bit wet. Then I moved to get out of the bed and I felt a teeny trickle. So I went to the loo thinking the baby must have kicked my bladder or something. When I checked my pants I had a pink tinge off them, so at a guess I thought it might be my waters or a show. But it stopped so I went back to bed. I had no pains at all. However I didn't sleep. For one hour I lay wondering what to do. I had woke my hubby up the week before as I had cramps and thought it may be labour, but it was a false alarm and so I didn't want another false alarm. Then suddenly I felt gooey and panicked. I ran to the loo (as much as a 39 week pregnant woman can run) and there it was in all its glory- the show! Or the Mucus Plug. I don't know what I expected a plug to look like but it was a huge amount of a clear snotty like substance. There was loads!

Then I had my first contraction. 'This isn't too bad I thought' It was like a medium period pain. Once it stopped I wandered back into the bedroom extremely calm and woke up my husband and said I think I'm in labour. He woke up excited, then we went downstairs for fear of disturbing my mum and dad. Downstairs we ate some toast and counted the time between contractions. It went from 10 minutes to 7 minutes so we decided to ring the hospital who said that if my waters had broken I had no choice but to go in. Then we got really excited. We told mum and dad and drove the 7 mile journey in the dead of night.

Hospital
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We got to the hospital very quickly and in admissions a nurse did an internal to examine me to make sure my waters had really gone. It was horrendous. She shoved her hand right up there and pulled out what was left of the plug and there was a gush of water all over the bed. I was terrified and went from being calm to feeling very unsure of myself. It was over very quickly though, however her interference brought on very strong contractions suddenly, which was better in the long run but they were excruicuiating.

My waters had broken and as everything was progressing nicely the nurse (who was actually very kind- I was just scared) said we could be out of the delivery room by morning if things kept going so well. I went to a labour room as I had to get to 6 CM before I could go to delivery so I laboured in there until I got to 5cm when I really needed some relief, so they gave me a gas and air cylinder. I couldn't use it- it made me sick. So they gave me pethadine, and the next 2 hours are a blur. I got another internal at 8am, and I was ready to go to delivery. Things were going very well.

Delivery Suite
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On my way to delivery I was upbeat and so happy to see a lady being wheeled past me with her newborn. My husband said 'we'll have ours soon!' and I was so positive. 6 hours later when I had still only got to 8 cm things were starting to get worrying. My contractions were intense and I was so desperate for help that I had started to use the gas and air even though it was making me throw up. It does help take the edge off the pain so I would recommend it to anyone. I had left it too late for more pethadine, but it hadn't been very useful anyway. It made me drop off between contractions. At one point I was even discussing bridesmaid dresses for my wedding!

I found rocking on the Rocking Chair and bouncing on the birthing ball were the best way for me to feel less pain during the contactions. There were loads of pads put under me to catch all the water as the contractions squeezed the baby down further and further. Every so often there would be a gush as the waters leaked, but the nurses were so good, the pads were swiped away quickly and replaced. There were loads of kidney bowls for me to be sick into too. It was like something from the exorcist! They eventually gave me a tablet to try and stop the throwing up, and after the transition stage I wasn't sick again.

With failure to progress the final two centimetres I was advised that they might need to put me on a drip. I am phobic about drips and begged them to let me try for just a while longer. 15 hours in to labour and I asked for an epidural as I felt I couldn't cope any more. They told me I had left it too long to ask and that I didn't want one anyway- it was just delirium talking. I can tell you to this day I really wanted an epidural, and was 100% sane at the time of asking so I resent not being given one.

I fought for another 2 hours and eventually got the 10cm dilation needed. I was shattered, miserable and emotional. While the midwife popped out for her tea break I got the urge to push and I was terrified- myself and Husband had been left alone and I didn't know if I was supposed to push yet. He ran out to get a midwife who just told me to do what I felt and so I pushed hard. The general rule of thumb is that a woman should only push for 1 hour max as after that she will probably need assistance. After 1.5 hours pushing the midwife and nurses seemed to get worried about me. My son was stuck less than one inch from the exit and as I pushed him down, when the contraction stopped he just slid back up again. I was shattered, crying and thought by the look on everyones face that something was going horribly wrong. I know now they were afraid my sons heart beat was slowing as he was stuck.

The birth (finally)
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A page was made to get the obstitrition in the room and the ward sister, so I was immediately petrified. They began to chat of forceps and ventouse, sections and eposiotomies, so the feeling in the room was that the child had to be got out of there quickly. After 2 hours of the baby sliding up the birth canal every contraction they asked if they could use a ventousse as he needed to come out with help. I just wanted him out of there so I agreed and a registrar prepared the ventousse vacuum to attach it to his crown and pull him with her strength.

The ventousse didn't work. It popped off his head when she pulled and it splashed blood over everyone in there as it tore me on the way out. She tried again and everyone was very tense. Again the same thing happened. My baby was too far down to get good suction on the vacuum. One last time she tried and failed to pull him out. I was screaming in fear as the vacuum splashed the room again. My husband was holding my hand and I will always remember the smear of my blood on his cheek. I never expected labour to be bloody but it was. The magazines never told me that. It made me panic although there was no need to panic as that wasn't dangerous blood.

At the third failed ventouse the ward sister stepped in using her 25 years experience and announced 'I will deliver this baby' I am eternally grateful for her taking control as although the outcome wasn't good for me, it was good for my child. She performed an episiotomy (This doesn't hurt for anyone who is fearful of it) and when I had my next contraction she pushed my calve down on top of my thigh and got my husband to do the same and as I was so terrified I pushed too hard when the contration had already stopped and I finally pushed my baby out. The was a big gloopy sound as he slid on to the table and immediately the atmosphere in the room lifted. He was finally here safe and sound. They lifted him up on to my chest and I listened to him wailing and I was just so glad that he was ok.

After the Arrival
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I had always thought that the minute you see your new baby that you should feel this overwhelming love and happiness. I didn't immediately. I was numb with shock. Here was this huge purple baby lying on top of me screaming. 10 minutes earlier I thought I was going to lose him. I looked at him and looked at my husband and all I could say was 'this is our baby, this is our baby' I was in shock as the nurses explained that they were prepping theatre for me. I had no feeling down below at all so I had no idea what damage I had done through giving birth. Then I asked if I would be able to feed him while I waited and they said sure. He latched right on to the breast and I stroked him. I had still to feel the 'isnt he beautiful' feelings I expected, but they didn't come. Suddenly I felt something moving inside my tummy and I shouted to the nurse that there was something happening. They rushed over and pulled all the blankets that they had stuffed between my legs out of the way. But they relaxed when they saw it was the placenta (afterbirth) and the midwife just said 'cough for me honey' so I coughed and she tugged and there was another gloopy noise and out came the placenta. I didn't see it but my hubby says it looked like a great big brain!

They then took my son from me, weighed him, got my husband to help dress him and the wrapped him in a blanket. They left my husband to hold him as they explained that I would be in theatre for a while and I needed a spinal block to perform the surgery, so that was arranged and my husband sat stunned and pale holding this tiny little baby. They took me out and left him in the room. He was forgotten about for 15 minutes until a nurse walked past and saw him in there. He says to this day it haunts him, he had seen how badly I was damaged and he thought I would never be fixed again. He was left sitting in a delivery room where my blood was everywhere he looked, and he was left with a baby he didn't know what to do with.

Eventually he was moved to a recovery room to wait for me. He rang my mum who came rushing to the hospital even though it was 11pm. The nurses were kind and let her in to sit with him. A nurse came from the recovery room to theatre every 10 minutes to tell me how my baby was. The operation to sew me back up took almost two hours and I had a haemorrhage on the way there, but I was awake, and glad that the child had arrived safely, although it was still hard to comprehend he was mine. I was still waiting that rush of love.

When I got back to the recovery room, my husband was so happy to have me back and they wheeled my son over in his cot to be beside me. I couldn't stop looking at him, although he still didn't feel like mine. My mum was crying her eyes out- her first grandchild, and raving about how beautiful he was. I didn't really see that at the time although I did pretend to.

After an hour they were sent home and myself and baby-S went to the post-natal ward. We had a great night although I could not move as I had a spinal block so the midwives had to answer my bed alarm every time the baby needed something. He even did his first poo that night! So funny!

My first days of motherhood
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I didn't enjoy my first days as a new mother at all. I spent a lot of it in tears and felt completely useless. There is a stage called the baby blues after birth where the lady's hormones drop and they feel glum, and I thought it may only be that, but at my first check up the health visitor was sure I had Post-Traumatic stress given the circumstances of the birth. I was having nightmares of bleeding and my baby dying and so I was referred to a councillor who agreed that this was what was wrong. Once I knew what was wrong the whole world looked up. It took me 3 weeks to bond with my baby and I would now rate myself as a really good mother. The books never tell you how much the experience will take from you mentally and I know a few women who have suffered immense post-natal depression in the aftermath and they felt incredibly guilty to feel that they aren't having the bonding feelings they think they should be having.

Things look up though girls!
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I came out of labour having torn right to my bottom. It was stitched up well and I healed, but I didn't heal completely and so ended up with
Incontinence. This took a further 6 months of physiotherapy to build up the strength of my bottom muscles. I felt humiliated, lost my confidence and was depressed before I got to the end of my journey. But it did get fixed and for me life is good! I would go through labour again in a shot as my son is the joy of my life.

Its not as bad as it sounds
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Ive made labour sound horrific, but its not! It was never intended to be easy and it is worth every single second.

I was terrified of needed an episiotomy beforehand, but when I got one during labour I didn't even feel it. In fact I would probably ask for one earlier if I was to have the experience again.

Gas and Air really does work; if you consider my 19 hour labour, and the fact that I got through all that using only Gas and Air at the end then you can see that it really is possible.

If you want something badly enough then you need to demand it. I never got my epidural. In a way I am proud now that I did it without one, but I believe it was my right to chose. I wouldn't have felt any less of a mother if I had have had it.

If you are feeling down afterwards then talk to someone. Other people do understand.

Take as much help from everyone who offers it as you can; every little bit does help.

Ive written far too much, but I suppose writing this account down is more like therapy to me so I hope you understand. I wouldn't fear having another labour, but in my case it will be a C-Section from now on, as my consultant says she doubts the scar tissue would hold through another labour and she doesn't want to risk me being left incontinent permanently. Im very happy with this decision as although a C-Section is major surgery, it will be good to have that extra element of control over the delivery. Loosing control was the most upsetting thing I encountered.

I will end on the note that everything with me is super at the moment. Things all worked out well in the end, so no matter how daunting everything seems there is light at the end of the tunnel.