Trains - dontchajusthatem?!!? That Richard Branson, though?!?! - wouldn't mind an Open Return with him!?!! Geddit!!?! (That's enough Glenda Slagg - Ed).

All right then, for those of you who don't read Private Eye and are wondering whether I've gone quite mad (oh, all right then - madder), let's get back to the matter in hand. Namely, how to travel on the rails in this country without utter disaster. As many of you will know, I don't drive, and so I have no option but to travel by public transport - and given that Digbeth Coach Station is roughly equivalent to the sixth circle of Hell (used to be the seventh, but the vending machines work now), for any journey of much over 50 miles, that means going by train. I generally travel off-peak, so I'll concentrate on so-called "leisure travel" here.

The first thing you need to know, of course, is where you're going. Seems pretty obvious, doesn't it? But hold on. Many towns of even quite modest size - Stourbridge, for example - have two or more stations, and don't go assuming that getting from one to the other is trivial. Look at Wigan - North Western and Wallgate stations are so close to one another that you can see Wallgate from North Western's car park, but just you try getting a train between them. So some research is needed before you even leave home.

*Rule one*: don't even consider ringing up for information.

The "National Rail Enquiries" number (08457 48 49 50) is generally useless, with a huge percentage of wrong information given - and that's if you get through in the first place. And the phone numbers of individual stations now seem to come under the Official Secrets Act - look in your phone book, and you won't find any. In the absence of sensible information from these sources, a good place to start is the online planner service operated by Railtrack which you can find here:

http://www.rail.co.uk/ukrail/planner/planner.htm

It comes as something of a shock to find Railtrack being efficient at anything much, but in fact this site is clean and fast, and appears to give correct information. You enter your desired starting and finishing points (with an intermediate stop if you like), and the time and date of your journey, and it presents you with about three suitable options. Click "details", and you can see which company is operating the trains, how long you'll have to hang about on some freezing platform, and whether the train has a buffet service. Don't pay too much attention to the last point, though, as the info is often completely inaccurate. You will also be told whether you can reserve seats, but...

...don't bother. *Rule two*: reservations are usually a waste of time.

Unless you're going on a summer Saturday train from Edinburgh to Paignton (in which case, good luck and remember to inform your embassy), or a rush-hour commuter train (in which case reservations won't be available anyway), you're very unlikely to find the train completely packed. You might not get exactly the seat you'd like, but 95% of the time you'll find something, even if it means - gasp! - sitting next to somebody else. This brings me to...

...*Rule three*: choose your seat with care.

As the train pulls in, keep a sharp eye out for which carriages are emptier or fuller. If an empty carriage passes you, take off after it - but don't do this unless you're damn sure you can make it before everyone else. Lots of your fellow passengers are expert at this game, and indecisiveness will get you nowhere. Once on the train, ignore the table seats and look for a two-seat block. It's surprising how many people dislike going backwards on trains: if you can cope with it, it will greatly increase your chance of a spacious ride. You should also try to sit in reserved seats. What? Oh yes - it's quite all right as long as they're not reserved for the section of journey you're doing, and you've got a good chance of some space. Be careful, though - the seats opposite the toilet are probably empty for very good reason... of course, you'll need to know the likelihood of this in advance, which means following...

...*Rule four*: become a trainspotter.

Oh yes. If you're going to be a successful traveller, you'll have to swallow your pride and plunge headlong into the world of DMUs, bogies, vestibules and liveries. As I mentioned above, correct positioning on the platform can greatly increase your chances of a good - or even any - seat, and the earlier you know what to expect, the more time you'll have to plan. Any regular traveller on the Birmingham to Kidderminster line, for example, has a mental picture of the external dimensions and internal layout of no less than five classes of train: 150s, 153s, 156s, 158s and 170s. Where the doors are, which seats have the best legroom, where the smell from the toilets is least unbearable, and so on. It's also handy to know that some classes - the 158s for example - have a couple of drop-down seats by the doors, which are often empty even on crowded trains. Watch the aircraft identification lessons in old war films - this is their modern equivalent.

*Rule five(a)*: buy the right ticket.

If you're booking in advance, then you will probably be doing so in response to some special offer, so won't have much choice, but those of us who roll up on the day need to know what we're talking about - because it's a fair bet that the staff at the booking window won't have a clue. They're employed by a particular train operating company (TOC), remember, so are often wildly inaccurate in their comments about other companies' fares - whether by accident or design I'm not sure. Be prepared to argue when a Virgin person tries to tell you that a Cheap Day Return isn't valid on a Friday. Get ready to insist if you're told that Rail Rovers no longer exist. If you have a railcard, expect to encounter the mysteries of the "minimum fare" (the exact meaning of this somewhat mythical label is unclear, but broadly it means that railcard discounts do not apply for short distances in the morning peak). It's best to know what you want in advance, and stick to it - say "a Silverlink Day Return to London with One Day Travelcard, please", rather than just asking for a ticket to London - the staff are supposed to sell you the cheapest fare, but it's a pound to a penny that they'll peddle one of their own products.

*Rule five(b)*: don't bury your ticket in your bag.

The frequency and thoroughness of ticket inspections varies wildly from TOC to TOC, and even from train to train, but you should always expect to be "gripped", in the jargon. Guards' attitudes to ticketless travellers seem to be based on no logical criteria - usually they'll just charge the full single fare, but occasionally (usually in cities) a "penalty fare" is applied, and it's not unknown for names and addresses to be taken and a fine imposed. It really is amazing how many ticketless travellers only got on one stop ago... don't think you'll get away with it on short trips, either - the branch line from Stourbridge Junction to Stourbridge Town (less than a mile) probably has more checks than the Chiltern line from Birmingham to London. The only sensible course is to have the correct ticket and keep it easily accessible.

*Rule five(c)*: make sure your ticket is valid.

What? Didn't we cover this under rule five(a)? Well, yes, but that's only the half of it. If you look at the average ticket, you will see that it's valid on "any permitted route". What does that mean? Take a look at the "National Fares Manuals", truly enormous tomes that staff use to work out what they should be charging you, and you'll realise that pretty much everyone's just playing it by ear anyway. But generally, if you're on either the cheapest or shortest route, you'll be fine (unless you're going via Crewe when your ticket clearly says "NOT CREWE", but in that case you're just illiterate...).

*Rule six*: think Sahara crossing.

That means water - or at least, a non-alcoholic drink. And lots of it. You can just bet that the day you forget the water is the day you're stranded for three hours in the middle of nowhere in 30-degree heat and broken air-conditioning. Refreshments from the buffet car or trolley - if you're lucky enough to be on a train that has them at all - are very expensive, so bring your own. Take bottles rather than cans, so that you can reseal them. And for food, nothing beats a chocolate bar to fill an empty stomach. To hell with a balanced diet for the moment - believe me, in the middle of the night in a snowstorm what you need most is calories. This sounds rather melodramatic, doesn't it? I've been there, and several hours in a Class 142 (a very basic, flimsy train - almost a bus on rails) without food or water is no laughing matter.

*Rule seven*: remember George the Fifth.

He it was who once said of travelling, "never miss the opportunity to relieve yourself," and this is very sound advice. Toilets on trains, while not uniformly disgusting, are often smelly and cramped, sometimes with no tap water, and I strongly advise you to go at the station. If the station can be bothered to provide any, that is - there is an increasing tendency at smaller stations to lock the toilets and keep the key at the booking office, and anyone who's been to Solihull will know that this is no fun at all: go upstairs to the toilets, find they're locked, down to the booking office, show ticket, get key, up stairs, unlock door, use toilet, shut door, down stairs, return key, stagger back up stairs, miss train, [censored - Ed]. Larger stations are usually all right, though the introduction of charging (usually 20p) at the larger ones seems to have made no discernible difference - Birmingham New Street (which charges) is still below standard; Marylebone (which doesn't) is excellent. Of course, as well as knowing where the toilets are, you need to know other things...

*Rule eight*: look for the litter bins.

Fact: railway stations in Northern Ireland have litter bins. Which rather makes a mockery of the reasons given for withdrawing them from larger stations in Great Britain. In fact, though, you'll usually find somewhere for your empty can or newspaper. Look out at the far end of some platforms, beyond the places passengers normally wander, and you'll often find a dustbin bag used by staff. Sometimes there's a handily-placed "unofficial" cardboard box (there was one in the Gent's at Preston for some years, though it's now gone). More recently, those "Metro" free newspaper dispensers have appeared, and they seem to be generally accepted as a place to put rubbish (once they're empty!). Failing all that, cans can be left on window ledges, but otherwise you'll have to look outside the station - for example, if you're in Birmingham New Street, the adjacent Pallasades shopping centre is full of bins. Oh, and virtually all trains have bins, as well, which makes the whole anti-bin thing more or less pointless....

*Rule nine*: know the conventions.

Here I'll give a few pointers as to what is and isn't acceptable on the rails.

* Leaving (clean) newspapers on your seat is entirely acceptable, and generally appreciated by subsequent passengers (except on the Underground, for some reason, where signs tell you not to in no uncertain terms). Leaving empty Burger King bags or bottles on the table isn't - put them in the bin, you lazy sod!

* If you sit in a reserved seat and the rightful occupant turns up, even if they're late, you must give way without complaint. You're in the wrong here, and you can't expect the staff to be at all sympathetic.

* If the train has opening windows (as far too few do these days), don't just reach across other passengers to open or close it. Have the decency to ask if they mind first.

* If you're sitting in the vestibule of a crowded train, you must give way to anyone getting on or off, even if that means awkwardness for you.

* It is the custom to blame any delay or other unpleasantness on either Railtrack or Virgin Trains. Whether or not Virgin actually has anything to do with the service you are on is quite irrelevant - they're bound to have cocked things up somewhere along the line.

* Anyone using a mobile phone in a phone-free carriage is the lowest of the low. Try making offensive remarks about the person's poor taste in ringtones, or speculating loudly about their private lives on the basis of their overheard conversations. Failing this, you might try ripping them limb from limb - but do try not to get blood on the windows; trains aren't washed that often nowadays.

*Rule ten*: assume the worst.

In spite of the impression I've given here, rail travel in Britain can often be a happy, relaxing experience. If you assume that everything will go wrong, you will be pleasantly surprised when it doesn't. And even if it does - well, a couple of pounds' travel vouchers from Virgin is surely ample reward for 90 minutes choking on diesel fumes in a tunnel with the lights out. Isn't it?