Merseybeat - BBC

Author's product rating:   

How good is the story?	Good
Is it dramatic?	Sometimes
How good are the characters?	Good
Soundtrack	Ordinary

Advantages:	playing 'spot the soap totty'
Disadvantages:	making it last 50 minutes .  .  .

Recommend to potential buyers:

yes

Full review

Oscar bravo! Do you read me?

Welcome to the wonderful world of Merseybeat, telly's cosiest cop show. Don't worry if you've never tuned in before - the entire production will leave you with such a strong sense of deja vu you'll be convinced it's groundhog day...

Set in Liverpool, Mersybeat aims to bring us the human side of the police force. Kind of a Corrie for Coppers, if you will. We see our boys and girls in blue battle it out in the station, on the streets, and of course at home too. Secrets are exposed. Hearts are searched. Lessons are learned. And on a good night, there's a side serving of sex - and you can bet it's never with the wife.

Those of you who are still nursing fond memories of Victoria Wood's 'Acorn Antiques' can get a nostalgia shot in the arm here. Blatant set up lines, obvious exposes, hairy scripts and acting that would shame a sideboard are all the order of the day here in Newton Park nick.

But by far the best (or do I mean worst?) thing about this show is the fact that every single character is played by a 'drama stalwart' - in other words, a soap refugee. The only characters that haven't graduated via the soaps have come the medical route - stopping briefly in The Bill before whizzing through Holby City and straight into uniform, ready for action.

This 'telly cannibalisation' effect can be seen in loads of other shows too, and of course it's great fun to play 'oooh, what was he in before?!' as a distraction when the drama falters. But here in Merseybeat, it's pretty much all we've got to go on.

And the pickings are rich!

In the starring role, we have Brookie's own Billy Corkhill as Superintendent Jim Oulton. Funny to think that in the dark ages, Jimmy Corkhill was but a spin-off character from the 'Doreen Dynasty'. I remember when Billy was the proud head of the house! Here he is again in grizzled form, playing a man with - guess what - a heart of gold. Awww. And for trivia buffs - his onscreen wife is his missus in real life too. Sweet? Not really, the Oultons are having an acrimonious divorce.

But who will be warming the Super's bed by the end of the series?

In the running must surely be...

Heartless Hollyoaks bitch Geri as the ironically named PC Jackie Brown. No shades of Tarantino here, just a very glamourous cop chick with a rather cynical demeanour. Having shagged everybody else's boyfriends in previous series' and even in the back story too, Jackie is left with no option but to flirt harmlessly with the ageing coppers in the control room. But if her knickers haven't been taken into custody by a strapping rozzer by the end of the current run, I'll a) eat my hat, and b) demand a refund.

And if you think that there’s no such thing as a strapping rozzer, you’d better dial 999 and request the urgent attentions of…

The blond, gay nurse from Casualty! Oops, of course I mean PC Steve Traynor, now sporting his own (albeit rather odd) hair colour, a bit of a teeny beer belly and a relentlessly hetero sexuality. Our Steve used to be a mild mannered copper until the baddies killed his girlfriend and turned him into a snarling revenge machine. That was quite diverting, and actually prompted some previously unseen emotional range from this very watchable young actor. But that was last series. Time waits for no man and in the present run, Stevo has chilled out remarkably. Mind you, he didn’t seem too chuffed about his long lost evil Nazi brother cadging a date off….

…childrens presenter Josie D’Arby! Yes, Josie has avoided the soap/medical route and come straight from the stickybacked plastic frontline. Here she plays sweet, innocent black lady constable Jodie Finn. She has a lot to learn about life, and we hope she never learns it. Keen to see the best in everybody – except of course the bitch who shagged her boyfriend – Jodie naively agrees to go for a drink with the ‘racist sibling’. Will he treat her like the lady that she is? Or will this story culminate in a seedy warehouse shootout? Who knows, but I can guarantee that the gay nurse’ll have some more snarling to do before bedtime.

Perhaps he can take some fighting lessons from….

… the biggest slag in the world! Yes, fans of the Eighties classic ‘Rita, Sue and Bob Too’ will be delighted to see Rita (or is it Sue?) back on bloke-baiting form, manning the cop hotlines with a flick hairstyle that would surely repel Bob at a hundred paces. Didn’t repel the Super though! Don’t cross this peroxide blonde unless you fancy being stamped on with a white stiletto. And possibly shagged in the back of a Vauxhall Nova into the bargain.

But hang about ShoppingGirl, didn’t you promise us something about two slugs mating?

I did, and I won’t let you down. No, the phrase does not refer to my internet-generated ‘Native American name’, it is merely a passing reference to the real star of this show. The true reason why ratings have shot up. In fact, some might argue, the only thing worth watching on this creaky, cliché-ridden telly nightmare. I give you:

Leslie Ash and the Lips From Hell. HAVE YOU SEEN THEM??!! Having reached the ancient and venerable age of 42, the formerly glam star of hits such as Men Behaving Badly and, um, Where the Heart Is, has opted to go under the needle in her relentless pursuit of eternal youth.

And by her own admission, the collagen-wielding doc went too far. She now resembles a chimp. Or a Fraggle. Or Zelda from Terrahawks – depending on your point of view. Her face is barely recognisable – thank god for the trademark footballers-wife highlights or we’d think she’d wandered in off the set of Planet of the Apes.

Leslie has the bitter task of filling the space vacated by Haydyn ‘Peak Practice’ Gwynne in the ‘top female cop’ role. Referred to as ‘mam’ by the coppers, it is Leslie’s grim job to persuade us that this suntanned, bleached blonde, rubberlipped freak of grooming excess would ever have got past the first interview, never mind made it all the way to Inspector.

No doubt all the actors on set had to take special ‘straight face’ lessons for Ms Ash’s debut on the show. I laughed freely throughout though, and thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.

And if you’re looking for plotlines, how’s this one for size:

Ok, so Cindy from Hollyoaks is a runaway teenage prostitute. With her perfect skin, glossy hair and lovely figure, she’s a glowing advert for the profession, but for some reason her dad doesn’t see it that way. Cue some bumbling blunders by the Super, and next thing we know her dad is beating up her pimp/ boyfriend (the ginger porter from Casualty) with a cricket bat.

Several heartfelt chats later, the hardened tart has decided to leave the sex trade to have a baby. Pimp says no way, and dumps her. Leslie Ash is triumphant – she always knew the girl would rise above it. Unfortunately, she had to miss out on her wedding day to counsel said hooker, but hey, it’s all in the line of duty. Roll titles….

So there you have it, a day in the life of Liverpool’s finest. Realistic? Nope. Well written? You’re joking. Predictable? Yup. But put aside your cynicism. Make a cup of tea and get cosy on the couch. Merseybeat has arrived, and let’s face it – there’s sod all else on anyway. And if you look v-e-r-y carefully, you just might see Mrs Overall quietly buttering crumpets in the background….