Mooncup

...stop using tampons. The Mooncup Menstrual Cup, safer, greener, cheaper." It said. Then there was a web address www.mooncup.co.uk and a Brighton phone number. I suppose the Brighton phone number made me look twice, it being the general area of Sweary origin but what really persuaded me to write down that web address was what somebody had scrawled across it, in blue biro.

"I'm not a hippy but this thing changed my life."
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SIX: A Mooncup lasts 10 years and it costs £17.99. That may sound like a lot of money but ask yourself how much money will you spend on tampons over the next 10 years and it begins to sound like a bargain. Also, have you ever wondered, what that magic ingredient in tampons is that makes viscose more expensive per gramme than gold? Well it's purchase tax. I feel crap enough every month without having to pay the government for the privilege ... more

Arooogha! Aroogah! Red Alert! Warning!

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Read this before you read on!

Right. Before we start I should warn you that this is a review about sanitary products. That means I'm going to be breaking the last taboo, yes, that's right, I'm going to be talking publically about periods. It's a long review, too so it means I'm going to be dealing with the subject for a long time which may be considered in poor taste. It also means I'm going to go into a higher descriptive level of anatomic detail than calling it my southern hemisphere so if you're a chap or squeamish, or both don't read this - although if you ARE a chap and you have an enquiring mind you might find it educational and informative.....

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Ok, anyone still with me? Good, then let's begin.

Early this year, after a business meeting in Cambridge I was waiting for the train home when I realised... how can I put this delicately, ah yes, the way Pesky does in her review for this product, I realised that the painters had arrived without an appointment. Luckily, despite the fact my appointments with the painters are usually as regular as clock work, I have got into the habit of being prepared, at all times, for their arrival. I am, after all, very vague, so while they usually turn up bang on schedule, more often than not, I've forgotten they are coming or simply failed to do my sums correctly and come up with the right date. Hence the necessity of being perennially equipped for any nasty surprises. This day was no exception so, annoyed but unpeturbed, I hot footed it to the station loos to um... spread dust sheets?

As I said, I like to be prepared for nasty surprises - no woman should go anywhere without at least two tampons, a spare stocking and a sewing kit. This may sound incredibly, inhumanly organised to you but believe me once you've donned your best business suit, driven 150 miles from home to meet the new MD of your company, fallen down a flight of stairs in a car park at Heathrow, split your skirt from hem to hip and skinned your knee and THEN had to walk from Terminal 1 to the central Bus Station bleeding profusely all down one leg with your "power underwear" (oh and not forgetting your arse) hanging out, you learn to appreciate how the stocking and sewing kit, at any rate, can save the day. A dash to the Central Bus Station loos, a quick mop with one of the most expensive pieces of cotton wool on the market, a rapidly applied spare stocking and half an hour's darning later and I was able to meet the new MD looking relatively respectable, albeit with an appraently massive carpet burn on one knee, walking rather carefully and fearful of sitting down in case my remedial stitching burst apart but I digress. Where was I?

Oh yes. I always carry two tampons in my bag but despite having a handy little box there are normally one and a half by the time I actually have to use them. So there I was sitting in the loo in the station wondering which of the two bedraggled objects in my hand was least likely to give me Toxic Shock when I looked up and there, on the back of the door, was a sticker. Now I don't know about you but I regard the stickers in loos as a window onto another world, the kind of world I am not trendy, promiscuous or interesting enough to inhabit. Since it's the closest I'll ever get I always read them - third hand experience is better than none.

"You can stop using tampons. The Mooncup Menstrual Cup, safer, greener, cheaper." It said. Then there was a web address www.mooncup.co.uk and a Brighton phone number. I suppose the Brighton phone number made me look twice, it being the general area of Sweary origin but what really persuaded me to write down that web address was what somebody had scrawled across it, in blue biro.

"I'm not a hippy but this thing changed my life."

While the sensible part of my brain was telling me this was bound to be a load of old cobblers the out there adventurous part that wants to take up free running, sky dive off tall buildings and live on the edge was telling me to learn more. I wrote down the web address and promptly forgot about it (cf earlier stuff about being vague).

Spool forward two months or so and I'm cleaning out my bag and I find the torn tampon wrapper with the web address written on it. Any excuse to play with the internet is good enough for me so I fired up the computer and visited the website.

WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT'S HOLY IS A MOON CUP?

It's a menstrual cup, that is, a plastic thing which you put inside you like a tampon which collects rather than absorbs your monthly um... outpourings.

WHY HAVEN'T I HEARD ABOUT IT BEFORE?

Two reasons really, the first revolves around available materials and available morals. Tampons were invented in the 18th centuary, maybe earlier, but originally a tampon was a whopping great wad of cotton which you stuck down the barrel of a naval cannon on an HMS Victory, Trafalgar style battleship, with a big wooden pole. This stopped the cannon ball rolling away from the charge and therefore ensured the cannon would always fire efficiently and predictably, or at least as predictably as a cannon could be fired in the days before the advent of even the pointy shell let alone the smart bomb. Tampons for women, as opposed to naval frigates, and menstrual cups were invented at about the same time, the 1930s.

If my memory serves me correctly, the original menstrual cups were tricky to produce, fiddly to insert and didn't last very long so they weren't particularly viable commercially. They also involved you actually touching your own vagina which, in those days, was not considered to be something "nice" ladies did. Hell, even the downright morally louche were leery about it.

Tampons on the other hand, could be inserted with an applicator which meant you could enjoy similar benefits to a menstrual cup but no touching your girly bits - and therefore no descent into moral turpitude - was required! By the time women had become more liberal the companies making tampons were multinationals who had cornered the market. Changing the ethos of a multi national is like turning an oil tanker, no actually it takes longer, an oil tanker turns like a Lotus Elise compared to your average multinational, trust me I used to work for one. In this case, though, even if one of them wanted to "effect change" it's not in their interest to manufacture a product which lasts ages when the alternative is a never ending demand for something disposable. A bit like the adding of carbon to light bulbs.

SOMETHING THAT COLLECTS RATHER THAN ABSORBS SOUNDS MESSY.

Mmm. I'm afraid it is a bit well not so much messy as erm, you see what's come out of you in a little cup so - if you think about all the bits that look like chopped liver - that's quite graphic. Especially if you don't like the sight of blood and while I'm sure allowing natural deposits of mucuos is marvellous for your health its... um... stringy.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, PUT THE BUCKET DOWN. THERE ARE ADVANTAGES. HERE THEY ARE.

ONE: Nobody using a menstrual cup has ever had toxic shock syndrome. I haven't been able to find out much more about toxic shock than anyone else reviewing this product but suffice it to say it's dangerous and not an enjoyable illness to contract. The three main causes are, bacteria breeding around bits of viscose from tampons which get left behind inside you at the end of your period when your flow is lighter or the same bacteria entering grazes on the vaginal wall made inadvertantly with a fingernail or a plastic applicator - depending what kind of tampon you use - and bacteria breeding round reactions or inflammations caused by deodourising chemicals in tampons.

This is why the leaflet in your tampon box always tells you to use the right tampon for your flow and why medical opinion sometimes advises against plastic applicator tampons.

TWO: It's better for you, there's more airflow around it so less bacteria breed, it contains no chemicals and it doesn't interfere with the natural secretions of mucous from your vaginal wall. In short there's less risk of contracting a yeast infection or an allergic reaction than there is with tampons. It's even made of a special latex allergy-friendly silicone.

THREE: You can wear it safely for much, much longer than a tampon. Around 12 hours. This means that on the first two nights of your period there is an alternative to wearing a small mattress between your legs and a tampon so huge you feel as if you are wearing the 18th centuary naval frigate-friendly original (complete with wooden pole).

For the working girls out there it also means that if your boss offers you a lift to a meeting you will not spend the entire 3 hour journey nervously trying to strike the balance between asking him to stop for so many loo breaks he begins to think you're incontinent and asking him to stop enough times to ensure you do not leak all over the light grey interior of his beamer or the beige leather upholstery of his brand new jag.

For the non working girls we're talking a whole day shopping and only one 20 minute stretch queuing for the loo, or possibly none, rather than the usual story of alternating 20 minutes' shopping with 20 minutes'queuing because you only have a 40 minute range between refits.

FOUR: Tampons are deeply ecologically unsound. The average woman uses 10,000 tampons in her life. If it's really true that 80% of the world's in-fill is disposable nappies think how much of the rest will be tampons.

FIVE: You don't have to carry loads of stuff or worry about taking your bag to the loo, you have one Mooncup, it's inside you, doing it's job so it goes wherever you go. When it's full, you take it out, you wash it or wipe it and you shove it back. No dodgy moments on the dance floor when as a youngster dancing round your hand bag, some flailing spotty neanderthal kicks it to kingdom come, lillettes flying in all directions and tells you, as he apologises, that he didn't know you smoked (thank you Ben Elton for allowing me to jemmy that joke in here with a crowbar).

SIX: A Mooncup lasts 10 years and it costs £17.99. That may sound like a lot of money but ask yourself how much money will you spend on tampons over the next 10 years and it begins to sound like a bargain. Also, have you ever wondered, what that magic ingredient in tampons is that makes viscose more expensive per gramme than gold? Well it's purchase tax. I feel crap enough every month without having to pay the government for the privilege so I have to admit that once I'd bought a Mooncup I was quite motivated to make it work if it meant sticking two fingers up at all those toadying gits in the Palace of Westminster.

SO HOW DO I GET ONE?

From www.mooncup.co.uk for £18.00 (£17.99). It comes in two sizes, A or B the way they put it on the website is that size A is slightly larger and for ladies who've had children and size B is for ladies who haven't. It arrives on 3 month trial and if you don't get used to it after that time you can send it back and they'll refund your money. Knowing I had a get-out clause made shelling out £17.99 odd for it in the first place far less of a worry than it might have been.

WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?

It's about 2, 2 and a half inches long and bell shaped, wider at the top than the bottom. It is huge compared to a tampon, imagine the girth of super-plus with another half inch on the diameter. My first thoughts were therefore that I would never get it in and if by some uncanny fluke it transpired I was able to, I would certainly never get it out again. Then again, it's no bigger in girth than the average gentleman's knob so, in theory, if you can accommodate a Mr anybody you can accommodate this.

It has a stalk, ostensively so you can pull it out but it's about as much use for this purpose as a chocolate dam to stop a lava flow. The leaflet explains you should cut it to the length that fits you, I'd say cut it off completely.

HOW DO I USE IT?

Try it with the stalk but if, after a few hours, you feel as if you've been shagged unceasingly for a week by King Dong himself it means the stalk is too long, you're supposed to cut it to size but I actually find the thing much easier and more comfortable to use if you cut it off totally.

Ok there are three things you need to do to use the Mooncup, relax, relax and relax. You will also need to have your trousers right by your ankles because when you're removing it, in order to get it near enough to daylight to grab it, you will have to squat right down, sticking your knees out sideways like a frog.

In my case, I knew it was going to be tricky because it took me several months of patient trying to get used to tampons and that was with school friends talking me through the insertion process from the next door cubicle. However, this experience had taught me that relaxing was 90% of the battle and the other 10% would be about getting used to it.

PUTTING IT IN.

Putting it in is not too difficult... It's a bit like waxing your legs only without the pain, the secret is to do it fast, in exactly the same way any of you who've used a super plus tampon know that the faster you apply it the less uncomfortable stretching the process will involve - except when the flow is lighter in which case, obviously, the reverse applies. You fold it in half along its length, or, even better, in thirds and when you come to put it in you can make it much easier a) if you've run it under the tap first and b) by angling it at about 45% so you put the corner of the folded side in first.

The other thing is to insert it quickly. There's a grippy bit at the entrance to your vagina and basically, what you need to do is get the lumpy end of the Mooncup past your grippy entrance and as far up as possible in one fell swoop because it's stretching that bit that makes the procedure uncomfortable. Once inside you the Mooncup unfolds of it's own accord - pretty much poings open, in fact and it's easy to push it in a little further or position it if you need to. Despite what the instructions tell you I can't imagine twisting it, I never have and just thinking about doing so now makes me want to go and have a lie down. Trying very hard not to think about the word "chafe" let's move on.

TAKING IT OUT.

I experienced quite a bit of initial discomfort, mainly due to the stalk jamming uncomfortably on the grippy entrance - does it have a proper name? I also experienced some very real fear as I tried to get the thing out and realised I couldn't get a firm enough grip on the stalk to budge it at all.

Just as I was thinking I'd have to go to the doctors and voluntarily submit to the attentions of a male medical student with that ice cold metal duckbilled platypus thing, I discovered the Mooncup is slightly stiffer at the bottom than at the sides so if you can push it down with your pelvic muscles but at the same time relax enough to grip the bottom it's the same kind of deal, gripwise, as holding onto a marble in the toe of a sock. In fact for somebody who found super plus too uncomfortable to put in and lillettes too uncomfortable to remove this complicated sounding process seems remarkably easy. It's also MUCH easier than using the stalk although cutting the stalk right off is probably one of the bravest things I've ever done!

Amazingly, after my fourth month, I now find inserting and removing the Mooncup as easy as doing the same with a tampon so I reckon if a muppet like me can do it, then anyone can if they put their mind to it.

EMPTYING IT.

Yes, I'm afraid you have to but joy of joys, not so often. Again, this is a pretty simple process when you're at home, you simply empty it down the loo, wash it in the basin and then stick it back up, obviously at work or out in public, coming out of the cubical with it and running it under the tap is a no-no. Mooncup suggest you carry a small bottle of water in your bag, wipe the worst of with loo paper and then rinse it. For one or two times a wipe is enough and you don't even have to rinse it but I find that if you do it makes things a lot easier when you come to put it back. It also means that you can give yourself a bit of a wash too, if you want to.

SO DOES IT WORK?

For me, yes. However I had a great deal of trouble getting used to tampons so I expected this to be very difficult. Perhaps that low expectation is what made it seem so straightforward or perhaps it meant I tried harder than I might have done otherwise. Whatever it was, I find it much easier especially the fact that I can sleep through the first two or three nights of my period without needing to get up and without fear of leaking.

What I would say is this, you will need to work on containing your panic the first few times you use it. It takes a few go's to find the best position to remove it and until you do, the removal process can take a while and be quite scary. That said, to my complete surprise, I was able to get the hang of it by the end of the second day and was using it confidently away from home the second month. I'd also advocate emptying it every two hours or so until you get the feel of how quickly it fills at each stage of your period.... Leave it too long and it'll leak which you really don't want.

ANY SIDE EFFECTS?

Yes, for the first time in seven years I've gone more than two periods without a blinding headache and the cramps I get, though still there, are not as bad. I have no idea whether this is because of the Mooncup or because I'm finally getting a whole night's sleep at the beginning... who cares, in my book a result is a result.

WOULD I RECOMMEND IT?

Wholeheartedly. Don't expect instant results. It takes some getting used to and however ambivilent you feel about it after the first month's trial make sure you try it for a second month. You need to use it for a whole period after you've got the hang of it to work out weather it's feasible for you. Persevere, it's well worth the effort.

WOULD I EVER REVERT TO TAMPONS?

Nope. As Themla said to Louise.

"Something's crossed over in me. I can't go back." 

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