I wouldn’t do this for just anyone, but with Xara (supersexycoolchick) setting the dilemmas, who am I to tell her No? (For the answer to this question, see the response to her Dilemma No 5.) As with those set by jillmurphy and LostWitness in their version, the solutions are straightforward so long as you don’t let morals confuse the issue.

* DILEMMA 1*

It is your mother's birthday, and you would like to get her some flowers, especially roses because they are her favourites. However, you do not have any money, but your neighbours have some prize-winning roses growing in their garden. What do you do?

~ Response ~

You (bumping into neighbour as if by accident on the doorstep): “Sorry to bump into you like that. Let me help you up. But, in a way, I’m glad I did. There’s something I’ve been meaning to mention but I’m not sure how.”

Neighbour: “What’s that then?”

You: “Your roses. Haven’t you heard?”

Neighbour: “Haven’t I heard what?”

You: “About roses causing cancer.”

Neighbour: “Roses causing cancer? You’re joking.”

You: “I wish I were. Naturally, it’s not been in the papers or on telly – it’s been hushed up in case of people panicking. But it’s deadly serious. Rose-lovers are dropping right and left, like flies.”

Neighbour: “But what can I do about it?”

You: “Fortunately, your luck’s in. I know an expert who has been trained in safe removal. Of course, it doesn’t come cheap, but I think I could get her to come round this afternoon….”

* DILEMMA 2 *

Some money goes missing from a colleague’s bag at work. You saw your best friend hanging around their desk before and know that your best friend has just asked you out to lunch even though they are short on cash this month. Do you reveal your suspicions about your best friend?

~ Response ~

Any friend who wants to buy you lunch should be deemed innocent until proved guilty and maybe even then, but to be on the safe side:

You (over lunch): It’s really nice of you to invite me out like this. And I thought you were skint.

BF: Well, I am a bit. But I can manage lunch.

You: What a pity Charlene can’t join us, but you know she lost that money this morning.

BF: Yes, wasn’t that awful?

You: It’s worse than awful. Did you know her bag had been contaminated with rose perfume? So whoever took the money is in danger.…

(And so on in a variation of Dilemma 1. Once the money has been “decontaminated” it can be surreptitiously returned to Charlene, if that’s what you decide to do with it.)

* DILEMMA 3 *

You have been recruited by a talent scout and have been offered a movie role that will make you famous and wealthy. There are some things you are not quite comfortable doing, however. The director says that if you want the role, you must do anything and everything you are requested to do, like it or not. He also reminds you that there are plenty of others waiting to take the part and have their chance at fame and fortune. Do you take the role?

~ Response ~

What’s this “comfortable” bit? If fame and fortune float your boat, then presumably they’re worth a little discomfort. Unless it involves roses, of course. One fears for that nubile young cheerleader type in American Beauty.

* DILEMMA 4 *

You have an amazing story about the life of a celebrity whom you’ve met once and got on with quite well. You are offered £1,000,000 for your story by the tabloids but know it will ruin the celebrity’s life. Do you sell the story?

~ Response ~

You agree to do it for £1,000,000, cash in advance. You then embellish the story with a few exaggerated lies, your friend the celeb sues for libel, his/her reputation is restored and you share the spoils. Better have a good hiding-hole ready though.

* DILEMMA 5 *

You meet a strikingly attractive person at a bar. They want to have sex and so do you. One problem: you think you may have a venereal disease, but you're not sure. What do you do?

~ Response ~

You: Hello, Strikingly Attractive Person.

SAP: Hello.

You: Aren’t you Xara, the supersexycoolchick from Ciao?

SAP: How did you know?

You: I recognised the Scenario in which we find ourselves. Or is it the Dilemma? I never can remember the names of bars, even when I’m in them. You know what this means, don’t you?

SAP: That your memory is lousy? Or that you’ve had too much to drink?

You: No, it means you know, and I know you know, and you know I know you know, of the little problem I have that I’m trying not to mention. Apart from which, we’re both in steady relationships with other people. So our love can never be, or at least not for now.

SAP: Phew! Thank God for that.

* DILEMMA 6 *

Your partner has left you for someone else and the whole situation ended very badly. You are having a clear out and come across some naked pictures of your ex, would you post them on the internet?

~ Response ~

They sound like the ideal snaps with which to illustrate your Ciao review in the “Member Advice on Break-Ups”. Or, if you wanted to be more imaginative, “Member Advice on Having a Girlie Night Out” or “Member advice on Coping when a Loved one is in Prison”.

* DILEMMA 7 *

Friends have arranged a blind date for you. When you walk into the restaurant you see your blind date and immediately dislike them. The date hasn’t seen you yet. What do you do?

~ Response ~

You: Hello, Strikingly Unattractive Person.

This may earn you a smack in the mouth, but it frees you for the rest of the evening, so you can drop into the Scenario or the Dilemma and see if there’s any talent around that doesn’t know about your little problem.

* DILEMMA 8 *

A friendly dog is unhappy because he is tied up in the hot sun. If you untie the dog, it may get lost or caught by the dogcatcher. No one is around. Do you set the dog free?

~ Response ~

There wouldn’t have been any point in tying the dog up in the first place if you released it too soon. I think you should wait until a number of passers-by, following the example suggested by Xara in her review on this subject, have bought water for it to drink, and umbrellas to shade it from the sun. You could then close your nearby water and umbrella shop for the day, slip out round the back, approach the crowd of animal-loving well-wishers and announce:

“Hello. I’m from the RSPCA and someone phoned in about this poor abandoned pooch, which I shall now take to the Battersea Dogs’ Home. It’s a voluntary charity and any donations of cash (or umbrellas) would be welcome.”

* DILEMMA 9 *

If you were Mayor and most people in your city didn't want to wear seat belts although there were an increasing number of injuries that could be prevented by them, would you make seat belts the law even if it meant that you may not be re-elected?

~ Response ~

RE-ELECT MAYOR TORR
He promises: lower taxes, more public services, free booze, better sex for all, safer streets.

(The unpopular bit’s in the small print describing what you mean by “safer streets”, as if anybody would read that far through a manifesto. Not that I would actually want to make people belt up, of course.)

* DILEMMA 10 *

Your know-it-all brother is all dressed up and going to graduation. He has been annoying you all morning. Would you let him know that his fly is open?

~ Response ~

The time to tell him is, I think, when he is actually up on the podium collecting the degree, with photos being taken. Of course, you’d have to shout very loudly in order to be heard from among the audience.

* DILEMMA 11 *

You are in the bookstore flipping through a book. You accidentally tear a page while looking at it. Do you offer to pay for the book?

~ Response ~

It would only be right to pay or you might be arrested for shop-lifting. But naturally you’d want a hefty discount for damaged goods.

* DILEMMA 12 *

You have recently transferred into the internal audit department as its Director. During a fraud audit you find that a good friend has been using company money to finance his wife’s chemotherapy, all of which has been returned to the company. In your report to the Board of Directors do you disclose the actions taken by your friend?

~ Response ~

This must be a pretty big company if it has an entire internal audit department complete with its own Director, and a pretty dozy one if it has so far failed to detect your friend. Probably enough cashflow can be diverted by your friend’s method for both you and him to enhance your lifestyles, and for his wife to continue her treatment, in a country without an extradition treaty with the UK.

* DILEMMA 13 *

During lunch, a valued client makes some offensive racist remarks. Do you express your true feelings (assuming you don’t agree) and risk offending the client?

~ Response ~

You (in an exaggerated whisper): I wouldn’t say that if I were you.

Client: What do you mean? Why not?

You: Don’t look now, but there are four big mean-looking black blokes at the table behind you. I think they heard what you said and they’re fingering their steak knives.

By the time he’s stopped trying to say conciliatory things and dares to look round, only to see no such quartet, you can explain that they’ve left in the meantime. You only hope, you add, that they’re not waiting for him in the car park, but you’ll bravely stay with him to help try to protect him if they are.

* DILEMMA 14 *

At the office Christmas party, your very attractive boss makes a pass at you. You're both unattached. Do you accept the invitation to spend the night together?

~ Response ~

I’m not sure I follow this one. Where’s the dilemma? Unless you think he/she/you might have an STD, of course.

* DILEMMA 15 *

You lose an expensive diamond ring and are reimbursed by your insurance company. Shortly afterward, you find the ring. Do you return the money?

~ Response ~

Naturally. What better way to build up your credibility before hitting them with the claim for your diamond necklace, tiara and crystal slipper?

* DILEMMA 16 *

You buy a scarf from a discount store as a gift for a friend who is very label conscious. You have an empty box from a trendy store. Do you repackage the scarf in the box and give it to your friend?

~ Response ~

A label-conscious friend would spot the switch. Why not just give her the box? When she opens it and finds it empty you exclaim: “Good God, someone must have stolen the scarf I bought for you. I’ll add it to the insurance claim.”

* DILEMMA 17 *

Waiting at a bus stop in a downpour, you see a blind person attempting to cross the street. You are in a rush and see your bus coming. Do you offer to help?

~ Response ~

You say to the person ahead of you in the queue: “See my blind friend over there. I was going to try to help them cross the road but my eyes aren’t too good either, and my old war wound makes me unsteady on my feet. I’ll ask the bus-driver to wait while you help them across.” This has the added advantage of advancing you further up the queue with more chance of a seat.

* DILEMMA 18 *

You spot your best friend’s partner with another member of the opposite sex and they’re definitely more than just friends, what do you do?

~ Response ~

None of your business, really, but if you really owed the friend a favour, you could rush up to the partner and say, so both can hear:

“I’m so glad I ran into you like this. And I’ve such good news. I’ve heard from the clinic and they say there’s a chance it can be treated. Slowly, painfully, not too certainly, but at least there’s hope. They’ll want to know about anyone else you could have passed it on to, of course.”

Dilemmas are by Xara (supersexycoolchick). Responses are © torr 2004. My product rating and recommendation are for the challenge, not for my response.