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Moral dilemmas are not too difficult if you have no morals. Even easier if you don’t understand what a dilemma is. With respect to jillmurphy and LostWitness I’ll whizz through these and give you my almost honest answer to some highly interesting testers.
Q: You’ve just cooked dinner for four of your friends, when disaster strikes and you drop the chicken on the kitchen floor. Before you can stop him, the dog dashes in and licks it, but you get it away before he can do anything else. You have nothing else to cook. Do you own up, or do you serve the chicken up for tea? You’re a veggie anyway.
A: I’m sure you won’t be surprised to know that this has actually happened to me. First things first, I gave the dog a good kick up the arse. I am a real slob in the kitchen and as usual there was all kinds of crap on the floor. You know the sort of stuff, stale bits of bread, curry powder, sugar, the odd milk bottle top, sticky pools of red wine, corn flakes, bits of broken bourbon creams and a half eaten jam sandwich. Oh, and there was a large dollop of dog food which I dropped a couple of days ago and couldn’t be bothered to pick up. I served the chicken up regardless. My guests were so impressed with the ‘unusual’ coating they asked me for the recipe. So the real dilemma was should I tell them or not. I refused to tell them, as it was my mum’s secret recipe. Instead I promised to make them some up, which I did.
Q: You’re in a supermarket car park, when, in a momentary lapse of concentration, your shopping trolley scrapes somebody’s new Mercedes down the side. Nobody appears to be looking. Do you own up?
A: I’m sure you won’t be surprised to know that this has actually happened to me. I went around the other side of the car and put an identical ‘stripe’ down that side as well. Then I sat in the trolley, rolled a fag and waited for the owner. After about 10 minutes a big fat geezer in a suit appears. Although his left hand is already weighed down with the biggest gold bracelet I have ever seen, he still manages to carry a bottle of ‘evian’, a pack of BLT sarnies and Mars bar. His right hand is reserved for a cigar the size of Jordan’s vibrator. As he approaches I confront him and tell him I am from Mercedes head office. I offer sincere apologies on behalf of the dealer because they had not completed the paint job on his car and I had driven 250 miles to add the sporty stripes.
He was so impressed he gave me twenty quid.
Q: You’re out with your mate, who starts chatting up a rather fit looking bloke/bird. It’s obvious that the said bloke/bird actually fancies you. The feelings mutual. Who do you go home with?
A: I’m sure you won’t be surprised to know that this has actually happened to me. Simple answer is both of them. I’d always fancied my mate, and I’m quite partial to a threesome. Anyway, you know what they say? Women are all right but you can’t beat the real thing!
Q: One of your employees does a fantastic piece of work, which your boss has seen. The boss comes over to congratulate you, as he seems to think you did it. Who gets the credit.
A: Me of course, what do you think I am? A fool? In addition, whilst I was in the bosses favour I would let it slip that some of the others were not pulling their weight. Maybe if they had someone (like me?) to watch over them their quality of work would improve, with the appropriate raise in salary, of course.
Q: You’re walking along the High Street and an old lady drops a bundle of £20 notes. You’re broke, the gas bill needs paying and you want some new shoes for Friday night. What would you do?
A: Before I answer this one I have to point something out. A woman must have compiled this. No guy would list his third priority for needing dosh as ‘wanting a new pair of shoes for Friday night’. On to the answer. Firstly the old ladies I know are too scared to walk down a high street. Secondly, none of them is likely to have one £20 note, let alone a bundle. So this one must be wadded, and would hardly miss a measly bunch of twenties. So I’d pick it up and say nothing. But, I’m sure you wouldn’t be surprised to learn that this has actually happened to me. After picking up the dosh I followed the lady to her car. Being the perfect gentleman I helped her load her bags into the boot and held open her car door while she got in, for which I got a tip of £5 and the comment, ‘I wish there were more decent men around like you, thank you very much’.
Q: You’re skint. No going out for you this weekend. You’d like to have enough change left from your groceries, though, to buy a bottle of vino with which to console yourself as you watch dire weekend TV. If you don’t buy your usual Fair Trade tea, coffee and the like, you’ll just about scrape a bottle of plonk. Do you?
A: Far too hypothetical to contemplate. There are always ways to make some dough. As you can see so far, I could bottle and sell ‘momma’s secret chicken seasoning’ at the car boot sale. I could blag cash out of rich folk by claiming I had added much needed sporty stripes to their cars, or I could follow rich old ladies until they drops some money. By the way, what is ‘Fair Trade tea?’
Q: You are inmate in a prison camp. A vicious guard is about to hang your son and wants you to pull the chair out from under his feet. He says that if you don’t he will not only kill your son but at least one other prisoner. You know that he means it. What do you do?
Not much of a dilemma really, is it? The answer is simple. I’d explain to the guard that I would certainly do it, as it would teach my son the lesson he deserved for not tidying his room when I told him to. Whilst the guard is momentarily distracted at my unsuspected answer I would kick the crap out of him. I would then release my son and make our escape, just like they do in all the good films. On our way out I would just check to see if the commandants nice car had a scratch down the side and look to see if there was any rich looking old ladies walking about. I would also give the vicious camp guard dogs a kick up the arse, just in case they had licked the chicken dinner I ate earlier.
Q: A man who has threatened to explode several bombs in crowded areas has been arrested. He has already planted the bombs, and if they go off, many people will die. He won’t say a word, and the only way to make him is by torture. Do you?
A: Well, I haven’t actually done this, but you won’t be surprised to know that I have trained for it. I actually work for a new Government department called, ‘make the evil bombers confess department’. We had to endure the most arduous training programme. The things we learned on that training course still make me vomit. The things one man can do to another to make him talk repulsed me. The vilest, sickening tricks, the most inhuman torture one could imagine. We had to do an extra week to learn how to deal with the worst of them all – The man who threatens to explode several bombs in crowded areas. We would put him in a room with a huge wide screen TV, with the full 5.1 surround sound effect. We then make him watch a compilation tape containing, yes, you’ve guessed it – extracts from ‘Big Brother’, ‘Coronation Street’, Eastenders’ and ‘Pop Idol’. I know it’s totally inhuman, but when people’s lives are at stake you have to do whatever’s necessary. And I am truly ashamed to admit that, yes; I’d administer this torture.
Q: You’re a therapist and one of your patients has just told you that he intends to kill his wife. You don’t think he is fantasising. What do you do?
A: I’m sure you won’t be surprised to know that this has actually happened to me. Many years ago I was working as a therapist. Well, that’s not strictly true. I was actually installing a secret camera in a therapist’s office when one of his patients comes in. What could I do? Well I did what everyone would do; I posed as the therapist. After the confession and payment of the consultation fee (in cash of course) I checked the ‘soon to be a murderers’ file. Turns out this guy is loaded and has a stunning wife with a body to die for. So I quickly phoned her and told I belonged to a new Government department who specialised in protecting women whose husbands were going to kill them. Explained to her that the only way to stay alive was to get as much cash from her husbands safe as she could carry, meet me at Heathrow, and I would take her to the Caribbean for ‘protective custody’ until her old man was apprehended and incarcerated. Seemed like a dirty job but someone had to do it.
Q: Your best friend tells you that he has committed a particular crime and you promise never to tell. However, you discover that an innocent person has been accused of the crime and will be spending several months in prison unless your friend confesses. You plead with him to give himself up but he won’t. What do you do?
A: I’m sure you won’t be surprised to know that this has actually happened to me. My friend had actually committed many crimes. The list is long but includes: Serving chicken to his friends that had been dropped on the floor. Scratching cars in supermarket car parks. Lying to his boss and dropping his work mates in the sh*t. Stealing £20 notes off old ladies. Not buying ‘Fair Trade’ tea, whatever that is. Kicking the crap out of prison guards and booting their dogs up the arse. Not forgetting torture of the most horrific kind. Can’t actually call a bloke that does all that a friend, so sod him. As for the poor bloke who was accused of the crimes? Well I buggered off to the Caribbean with his wife while he was being interviewed by the old bill.
I really do hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.