Narrow Dog to Carcassonne - Terry Darlington

...Phyllis May, a narrowboat so narrow "that you have to live sideways", buffeting across the high seas and one of the busiest shipping lanes in the world, completely dwarfed by container ships and tankers, and with swamping a very real possibility. Further on, they have to negotiate the Bollène lock on the Rhône, the second deepest in Europe. I have never been through a canal lock. If I thought about them at all, it was in an Art of Coarse ...
...and come-uppance. I had not considered what it must be like in a very small boat with lock-sides 75 feet high on either side of you and 200 million gallons of water about to pour in (it takes 10 minutes).

Then there's Jim the pork scratchings loving whippet. Turning an animal into a character is not an easy trick to pull off - there's a danger of overly sentimental anthropomorphism. Writers whose business is animals, such as Gerald ... more

It was that time of year again. Husband's birthday. Over the years, of which there have now been many, we have settled into a pattern of present buying. He buys me something nice to wear because he claims, rightly, that I have no taste when it comes to choosing clothes for myself. I buy him some luxurious chocs and a few books. The books can be about anything, but there has to be a travel book. Not necessarily from the top, literary end of the genre, although he enjoys William Dalrymple and Peter Levi; just a good read and evocative descriptions.

So I was browsing the travel section of a well-known high street store (OK, Waterstones) when my eyes lighted on this. The title looked promising, incorporating as it did boats, France and whimsy in four words. I turned to the back cover and read:

"When they retired Terry and Monica Darlington decided to sail their canal narrowboat across the Channel and down to the Mediterranean, together with their whippet Jim. They took advice from experts, who said they would die, together with their whippet Jim."

I flicked it open and happened upon this discourse on French hypermarkets, their size, and the odd opening hours of their constituent parts:

"Don't try to understand these things - every nation has its private parts, where no light falls. Think of the Financial Services Authority, or Prince Michael of Kent.

"Monica was at the other end of the Leclerc fresh fruit section but there was a slight mist so I couldn't see her. We reunited joyfully by the fifty yards of soup in boxes, and by asking directions worked our way to the checkout just before Jim died of grief outside."

He'll like this, I thought. And he did.

So did I, when I eventually got my hands on it. On the face of it, it is the story of a journey from A to B, by an unusual mode of transport, and the adventures that befall them on the way. A common enough device, and successful if well written and well observed. It certainly passes that test, but it is Terry's musings and observations and his take on life that make it different. It is also a book of many parts as we shall see.

Funny, of course, and there is plenty of material for humour. Canals and waterways seem to be inhabited by species of human beings that are extinct elsewhere, their outlandish lifestyles, philosophies and eccentricities being too out of kilter with the rest of "normal" humanity. Even Terry finds them odd, but he delivers some delightfully rich descriptions of his passing contact with them. The humour is droll, dead-pan, witty, character-situation driven so that all it needs are a few pointed comments from the author to generate hilarity. Honestly, you couldn't make up some of these episodes. In truth, most of us would identify Terry with these characters. Consider the evidence: in retirement, he is about to undertake a highly dangerous sea crossing in a boat totally unsuited for the purpose. He knows little about engines; he writes poetry. He often sees his mother's ghost, usually at times of stress. He has to take sea-sick pills. He contemplated crossing the Channel lashed to another narrowboat whose owner's only "blue water experience" was being rescued in a cruiser off Padstow. At one remove he's great entertainment but I would guess he's not the sort of chap you'd want as a neighbour or, worse, living under the same roof or deck-hatch. Monica, I take my hat off to you.

But more than funny, it also has moments of pathos, poignancy and great beauty. Terry brings his poet's eye to their adventure and the story develops in an episodic way, each vignette sketched by some deft strokes of lovely writing. I was tempted to quote my favourite lines, but resisted, as to get the best effect they have to come as a surprise. He loves poetry and quotes liberally. The Canterbury Tales is an apt favourite, with the parallels of a journey peopled by a motley collection who all have their contribution to make. He is in fact a highly cultured chap, not an innocent abroad, and there is some disingenuousness about his persona of an old codger.

And it is an adventure. The fact that it is a very funny book should not let us overlook the very real dangers involved in the journey. Personally, I wouldn't dream of crossing the Channel in anything under about 30,000 tons, but here we have the Phyllis May, a narrowboat so narrow "that you have to live sideways", buffeting across the high seas and one of the busiest shipping lanes in the world, completely dwarfed by container ships and tankers, and with swamping a very real possibility. Further on, they have to negotiate the Bollène lock on the Rhône, the second deepest in Europe. I have never been through a canal lock. If I thought about them at all, it was in an Art of Coarse Sailing kind of way, a source of slapstick humour, farce and come-uppance. I had not considered what it must be like in a very small boat with lock-sides 75 feet high on either side of you and 200 million gallons of water about to pour in (it takes 10 minutes).

Then there's Jim the pork scratchings loving whippet. Turning an animal into a character is not an easy trick to pull off - there's a danger of overly sentimental anthropomorphism. Writers whose business is animals, such as Gerald Durrell or James Herriot, succeeded by detailed and amusing descriptive language born of years of knowledge. Jim is simply another of the strange, slightly depressive characters that people the book, who happens to have four legs and a body "so thin you can see through it". Although he is a pet there is no sentimentalism (asked by a passer-by if he is a good boat dog, Terry replies "No, rubbish.") When Terry is unwell and Jim cries too much, Terry threatens "Shut up, or you're in a sack and over the side." Jim cried some more; Jim cries a lot. Jim also speaks, in the sense that he is given direct speech, although not too often to be tiresome. In the end I concluded that Jim is merely a thin version of Terry (and not just in his need for seasick pills). He is his alter ego. Unleashed, he is a free elemental spirit, but shackled and muzzled by the demands of everyday life and society he is reduced to an odd-looking individual somewhat on the margins.

Interviewed for the purposes of this review, Mr Chouchinciao declared the book "very enjoyable but a bit eclectic". I nodded sagely in agreement; thinking about it later I know what he means. It is densely packed with a parade of unlikely characters, richly seamed with allusions, highly evocative in language and varied in style. Dare one say, it is slightly over-egged. One needs to draw breath. A firm editor would have helped, and this would not have impeded Terry's individualism. 100 pages elapse before the journey actually begins: a kind of prologue, to use the Canterbury Tales analogy, during which we become acquainted with Terry's voice and style, but it's just a little too long.

But in conclusion, very enjoyable. If you are still to go on holiday and need a book, leave Dan Tan and his Daft Inches at home and take this instead. It will take you longer to read, absorb you more, have you laughing out loud and dabbing your eyes. It is a very life-affirming read. If you're hooked, you'll be glad to know that Terry, Monica and Jim are embarking on another journey in the Phyllis May, down the Intracoastal Waterway from Virginia to Florida. If it comes to a confrontation between Terry and the 'gators my money's on Terry.

Cover price £6.99, Amazon price £5.59, 397 pages, printed for some reason in an indigo font. I kept looking for the contrast button, or Ctrl A, font colour, automatic. Maybe there is a purpose for books on-line after all.

Additional material: no, this is not a DVD, but there is extra stuff at the end. "French in Fifteen Minutes" is a phrase book only Terry could write. This is followed by a long interview with Terry about the journey and his writing of the book - somewhat superfluous if you've already read it. Then the paperback editor gives a short account of meeting Terry at a reception, and all your beliefs about this being an odd bloke indeed are confirmed. Finally there is a list of all the literary and poetical allusions, chapter by chapter. Patronising as it assumes you've missed many of them; annoying because you have.
 

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