On The Couch with a Ciao Member

You know I had a lot of people offering to be on my couch with me but none of them really took my fancy like Brian has, so today I have decided to throw caution to the wind and invite Brian over to my house to sit, nay lounge, on the couch with me.

Mel: I see you have brought your little willy with you mate, just how attached to him are you??

Bri: Oh, he goes everywhere with me! Couldn't do without him! He charms the ladies out of the trees, and whenever I get him out, the ladies coo, and say, aaaaah ain't he sweet. Trouble is, the men are never interested in my willy.

Mel: Indeed, I wonder why? He did seem a little worn and smelly when I saw him perhaps that's it?

Anyway, enough of your willy and a bit about Ciao. I know when you first joined you were unceremoniously booted off for something that you didn't do. Seeing as Ciao are unlikely to ever explain or apologise publicly I thought you might like to set the record straight.....

Bri: Mmmmm, well when I was living with my ex, he decided to log on as well, and we used the same computer, not everyone has the luxury of two computers, so we logged onto Ciao on the same computer. I read some of his, and of course he read some of mine. Which is against Ciao rules apparantly. If you and your partner are on Ciao you are not allowed to read each others reviews cos that is classed as clicking cartel and that was why I was booted off! So beware!

Mel: Which, if I may say, is a sad and pathetic rule but then most of the Ciao rules are!

OK, staying with the Ciao theme for a bit what would you say has been your worst day on Ciao since you started and what has been your best, I know this is two questions but seeing as it's my interview I can do what I like.

Bri: Worst day on Ciao. Mmm, let me see, the day I was kicked off Ciao. No word, no email nothing, just went to sign on and that's it kicked off. Guilty until proven innocent and thanks to my mum and my friends at Ciao I was quickly reinstated.

Best day does turning up at the Bristol meet count? Or does meeting you count? Creep, creep, crawl crawl!!!!!?

Mel: Ha! Oh you may crawl Brian but it isn't going to let you off of anything mate, ok one more Ciao question and then I will bury that side of things. If Ciao was yours to run for the day what would be the first thing you would change, and that doesn't include kicking certain individuals off site!

Bri: Damn! Mmm if Ciao was mine, I would make all reviews worth a penny! (including cafe ops) although I'd love to change the PF fund and make it less mystique. Make Ciaoer's operate the PF fund. Alike U-Rate. A button to nominate a review for a diamond and knowing exactly WHAT review was awarded what!

Mel: Perhaps it's best they don't let you have it for a day then hun, you'd skint Ciao overnight!

OK, lets find out a little more about you, most people on Ciao know that you are gay, those that don't are either blind, dumb or just plain ignorant. What I want to know is when did you first 'know' that you were gay and did you try to repress it at all?

Bri: Oooh! I guess it was when I was about sixteen. I did have a girlfriend or two in my younger days. It was not until I was twenty one when I ventured out on the scene. As for repression. I had this so called best friend, from school, we went everywhere together, holidays, days out, went around each others houses to watch videos (he was straight) I told him I was gay and he didn't want to know me, dropped me like a hot brick, so I guess between the age of 18 and 21 I was in complete denial

Mel: Ahh, so you have had girlfriends then? That brings me nicely to my next question, have you ever slept with a woman? If not, would you ever consider it just to see what it would be like?

Bri: I slept with me cousin, but I get that doesn't count! Nope, right! Yes I would consider and I did offer a certain young lass at Bristol a bed for the night, but sadly she turned me down.

Mel: Turned you down? I would never do such a thing ;o)

Ok, so that established my mind turns to men (as usual), have you ever manged to 'turn' a straight guy?

Bri: Not for the want of trying! I've cuddled straight guys but alas nothing further! I fell in love with this guy called Chris and he had a girlfriend, but he was so warm and caring and close to me, I still regret even now that I didn't pursue things, guess it was the rejection and the fact that he didn't know I was gay at the time :0*(

Mel: And there was me thinking that your biggest regret was not jumping a certain young man in a hotel room recently!

OK, I am trying to steer this away from sex but you have that effect on me, what has been your most memorable sexual experience to date, either for sheer fantasticness or the complete opposite. Details please!

Bri: It has to be without questionable doubt with Stevie. I was 21 at the time and he was 17! And he actually chatted me up! He was Adonis, totally gorgeous and did the earth move? Reckon Uranus moved with it! We were together three weeks bless! We spent er more time in than out (no pun intended for those dirty enuff to wonder!)

Mel: Uranus certainly has seen some action lately hasn't it?

Moving swiftly away from sex, (at last I hear them all cry), I am going to put you in an awkward position (ooer missus) and see which way you'd swing! You have found out that you have less than 24 hours to live, you are all alone in your flat and to visit anyone would take a whole day (They live miles away ok!). What would you do with your last day?

Bri: Mmmmm! Now that is hard! Ooerr, sorry we've switched away from sex! I would phone my mum and tell her I love her and that I would be seeing nan and grandad again and not to worry. I would play my stereo extremely loud, like blaring out. All my favourite albums, from Fleetwood Mac, Roxy Music, Madonna, Eurythmics, Celine Dion. Then I would put on The Beach and have a Thomas the Tank over my lover boy. Eat tonnes and tonnes of chocolate, nothing but chocolate. I might spend the rest of the day typing out a mini auto-biography which I would leave for my mum. They already know what my preference is when I die. And as a final legacy I would have the last laugh on the bastards who have tried to destroy me. I would phone my ex up and give him loads of abuse over the phone! Then I would take my Toby and lie on the bed ready to be taken away, the last song would be 'The Power Of Love' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood as I close my eyes for the last time! How's that for an answer!

Mel: Well, I knew Leo would feature in there somewhere but I never realised you and I shared the same taste in music.

I have to ask you this one, I know the answer but so many people don't, where does your username 'Kalamazoo' come from, and if you were to now change your username what would you choose. 'Blushing Brian' is not an option!

Bri: When I was a kiddy I remember this song coming on the radio quite frequently, called Della and The Dealer. I never managed to find out the name of the song or to get the song. However a good friend Ollie at work found it on the internet. By an unknown artist called Hoyt Axton and the lyrics went....

Della and the Dealer and a dog named Jake and a cat named Kalamazoo.

I love pussies and I guess the name stuck. Absolutely NOTHING to do with the place in the USA

If I changed my username? Mmmmmm I would use my U-Rate name 'shanesworld'

Mel: How bloody boring of you! I was thinking of changing mine to Cheeky Bitch, the 'Chicken' part no longer suits me, what do you think?

Talking of chicken, I'd like to know what scares the living crap out of you mate, is it heights, spiders (like Deano ) or something else?

Bri: It has to be wasps. Cos they are absolutely deadly to me. One sting could kill me, so I have to take me epi pen with me. If I get stung I have to inject my thigh with adrenalin. I don't mind the prick it's the sting I can't take!

Mel: Aww I was hoping yuo'd be afraid of the dark or something I could take the piss out of! OK, apart from me because I have to bug you with questions, who is really getting on your nerves right now?

Bri: My other half!

Mel: That's not a good enough answer Brian, details man, details..

Bri: Ooooer you're getting tough on me ;0)

He got pissed last night and he stunk of booze and he doesn't shave often, so it's like a cheese grater, and he's not getting his oats from me either! I hear you all scream you selfish sod! Well it's far too hot for sex ain't it, although if it was a young lusty lad beside me I would make the effort like ;0) And now I've got my car he wants to use me a taxi. Having a relationship is not all that it's cracked up to be. For those alone, you don't really how LUCKY you are!

Mel: That's more like it, vent mate, it's good for you!

Right I managed to stay away for a while but I'm afraid I am right back with the sex questions. I'd like to know mate if size matters to you, what do you look for in your man's wobbly bits, girth, length or is it enough that it doesn't smell??

Bri: Go for the jugular babe, that's what I like about you!

Well definitely NOT acorns! And the amount of guys (sorry girls and those that eat) that don't clean their bits properly! Hygiene is of prior importance to me and if the guy is unhygenic it puts me RIGHT off and sorry he's gotta go! Girls you probably know where I'm coming from, as men can be bloody lazy when it comes to that department! I like a good mouthful. I'm not a size queen (in fact I'm no bleeding queen at all!) but as long as the guy can satisfy me fully. Not too big as that can have adverse effects too! right you can start eating now!

Mel: So it isn't just straight guys that think that size doesn't matter then eh?

To all men reading, size doesn't matter unless you have to ask!

Ok, moving swiftly along, obviously you can't have kids by the conventional methods and seeing you with them shows just how good a dad you would be. Have you ever thought of adopting or perhaps asking someone to have a kiddie for you?

Bri: Most of my friends know I'm extremely unhappy at work, and it's not the ideal vocation. I've always wanted to work with kids. Without blowing my own trumpet I've been told by relatives and friends that I am great with kids. Cos I am a big kid myself! I would love the opportunity to work with kids, but it wouldn't be easy being male would it? As for having kids myself. I would love a son or daughter, because I would give them a childhood to remember, take them to the seaside, give them everything I didn't have, and further more I would have two kids, not one, cos as a child you lose out on so much being the only sibling. Don't laugh at me but I used to dream up names for my children! I could give a child so much happiness and love. Not so sure about adoption, because of the law and the red tape etc...

Mel: Awww, tell me the names then, or is that private?

Bri: If it's a boy then it would be Shane, if it was a girl, Jessica Christine

Mel: And there was me just about to offer, but I refuse to name my son Shane!

Right I think I have grilled you enough mate, so it just remains for me to thank you for sharing the couch with me today, it's been a huge pleasure!

Oh, hang on, one more question Brian, why are you on my couch naked?

Bri: Well I've gotta get something out of this! I don't do it for nothing now! So come here... miiiiiioooooow! here chick, chick, chick, chicken ;0)*Brian is recommended to all potential buyers and is a five star product*