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This is something I never thought I would write, being 40 years old and honestly never been in love, Don’t get me wrong I love my husband but I’m not and never have been in love with him, its more like a friendship love, but I would never want to hurt him.
The saying goes life starts at 40, well guess what I have actually got those feelings for someone, but don’t know how to handle them, I know nothing can happen between us but I cant let him go either. I feel like a child whenever I look at him and feel so stupid that I do stupid things to hurt him. Things I shouldn’t say or do but I’m scared of being hurt so I hurt him first. Daft I know, childish I agree. He has told me he loves me to, I cant get it into my stupid thick head that he might just be telling me the truth.
See the brick wall around me stops any sort of feelings getting through. I was hoping my counselling would have helped with the feelings side of things but this is something I have to deal with myself. This person I am going to write to has done me more good than any counsellor. I’m not going to name him as there is no need for that. He wont read it anyway as he’s not on here, this is for my benefit.. This person has no ties, he’s free and single and can go anywhere he wants, I want him to know how I really feel.
So here goes:
I don’t mean to hurt you but these feelings scare me, I’m scared of being hurt, I’m scared of losing what I have found as you mean more to me than anyone I have known. I have never told anyone how I feel about them as when I start getting those feelings i stop being with that person, but with you its different I cant let go and don’t want to. Its hard for me to believe someone when they tell me they love me, as love is a really hard thing for me to do, that’s until I met you. I knew there was something there as soon as I first saw you but didn’t say anything as we didn’t really speak, then luckily we started to speak and those feelings got stronger, but as my feelings grew so did the feeling of dread. Why would someone as great as him like someone like me, what could he possibly see in me, the more I thought about it the more scared I became.
You don’t think I trust you but I do its myself I don’t trust, I don’t think I am worthy of someone like you, I cant see what you could possibly like. I wish I could. The way I am is pushing you further away from me and that’s the last thing on earth I want to happen. At the minute you probably hate me and that is killing me as your worth much more. I have never been as happy as I was when we are talking; I have never wanted someone in my life as much as I want you. I want you in my life as much as possible as I cant see me having any life without you. I just have to hear from you and I’m walking on air, you make me smile from the inside out.
I don’t want to be scared anymore, I want to learn to love someone and that person is you. It’s going to be hard for me but you’re worth that. I want to be loved but only by you.
Please believe me when I say I love you, I mean it with all my heart. Even though that heart is breaking…
follow your heart please, if it's tellin you he's the one, it might hurt now, with ur husband n takin a risk, but go for it. its better to find out now, then let it slip by,cos u'll always wonder, Lizzie xxxxxxxxx
PhoenixChick 31.08.2004 23:31
g'luck, hav u shown him this? pleez seriously do, it really does help, Lizzie xxxxxx bye
jillmurphy 31.08.2004 07:59
Oh Karen. You've left. I hope you read these comments. I just want to say "good luck" and I really hope that everything works out for everyone. I'll really miss you.