Open Love Letters > Reviews (25)

This is now quite out of date - in the end we sorted things out and got back together - and are still going :)
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I started writing this last night. I wrote a few pages I think. About how I loved you, and miss you whilst you are in Germany, and how that when your not around I just feel like shit. And then I got a text, "i think we should split up" I don't know what to do.

I've practically devoted the last year or so of my life to you. You were the reason that made me wake up in the mornings. The thought of seeing you smile brought a smile to me, filled me with purpose. As I write this my hands are shaking. My whole body is shaking. I think I'm heartbroken. I tried so hard to always make it work. I made so many sacrifices, I tried everything to make you happy. I had never loved anyone any where near how much I loved you.

When we split up last year, after the first time, I was in a bad way. It destroyed me then. But I still had the hope that we'd get back together. I had the drive and determination, and by god I was right. You wanted to try again, August the 18th, when you got back from your cousins, I called you, and we got back together again. It was great. I was so happy. For nearly six month I felt so good, with myself, with you, with us. Rarely did a day go by where I wouldn't see you, where your smile wouldn't grace my eyes and your lips wouldn't meet mine. I was happy. For once I had days where I felt truly happy. I was in a proper relationship, with a beautiful girl I had fallen completely in love with. With someone I couldn't imagine being without. You'd hold my hand as we walked to college, you'd hug me on the train, you'd text me and call me. We could talk for hours about nothing. We had fun and everything was great.

Okay everyone has a few arguments, but we always got passed them. They never lingered long. We'd always realise who was really in the wrong, apologise and feel closer for getting things out. And you'd say "I love you" three words I don't think I'll ever hear from you again. And that pains me more than anything. I can't live without you. It hurts. I feel empty. I don't feel like I have a reason to wake up. I don't have anything to do, I just wander aimlessly around the house, stare at a blank page on the computer, or look at the pictures of us together. They cut me up.

I woke up this morning and it felt like a dream, it felt like everything that happened hadn't, but I knew it was real. I new I'd had texts saying your sorry. Telling me it's not my fault. And then whenever I shut my eyes, even when I have them open, I see you, I see us. I see your smile, I see your body. I see you holding me. I remember us laid together, in each others arms. I remember you telling me you love me. Telling me you've never loved anything so much. Just the day before, you said you feel empty without me. How can that be? You then split up with me.

I feel empty. I went for a walk as you text me, just up the river, so I could have a joint, and maybe feel better.

No such luck, I felt just as bad, as we continued texting, and all the memories I have of us came flocking back to me. All the plans we had made that I will now never know. All the dreams I had. How you'd help me paint my bedroom, how we'd grow up, and get married or whatever. How you said you needed me.

I cry as I write this. I can't help it and it makes me feel so weak. So useless. I feel so shite. I don't have a string of happiness in me. I am just filled with sadness. I feel so bad, I didn't want to get out of bed, but staying made me feel bad as I remembered you laying with me. And it brings floods of tears to me to do that. I can only listen to certain music at the moment, I have a play list of songs which all say how I feel. The music all sombre and depressing. Lyrics speaking to me what I want to say to you. But I have now lost what I always had with you. The drive. I never thought this day would actually come. Where I wake up knowing you no longer want me. Knowing that all I have to look forward to is going to sleep because then I am not physically thinking of you.

But I still dream. It's all I did last night. I dreamt on you constantly. I remember them so perfectly. Dreams of how we should be, just together. And dreams of how you want things, us friends. And I want that too. But I don't know how I am expected to manage it. Things will be so different.

The 18th is coming up soon. Sunday. It would have been us together 6 months. By far my longest relationship.

You were the first person I have ever truly loved. The first person to make such an impact on my life, that now, without you I don't want to go on. I just hurt. I don't know what to do. I just want to get drunk and run away, but I can't escape my own mind.

I don't know quite how to manage getting through days now. At work, you texting me helped me get thought the boring days. I could look forward to seeing you on Monday. All beautiful and radiant. And you would hold my hand in the car. And no matter how I ever felt, you would make me feel better, just with a smile.

I hear your voice. I hear it in my head. Playing over and over again. The things you've said to me. All the "I Love You" 's all the "don't leave me" 's oh god it hurts.

I know you'll never read this. I'm writing it on a website product reviews and such. To people who have read my poems before and some of which have an insight into how I feel. I don't know why I am doing this. I don't know anything. How am i going to cope? Do i want to? Should I make my arm bleed, or drink excessive amounts of alcohol and smoke weed until I forget. I know I won't forget though. And that's what hurts. I will see you everyday at college. I will probably still have your mum pick us up in the mornings and my mum take us home. I will never forget my first love. I'll never forget my little princess Sophie.