Q & A

One idle afternoon over on www.reviewwritersforum.co.uk someone brought up the issue of what to do for their 100th review and asked people to set him some questions. In amongst the suggestions, serious and not so serious, it became clear to me that there was a master questioner lurking in the forum - a gentleman by the name of TheDuke.

Now I'll confess that TheDuke was a name I held in some fear and grudging respect - a chap with a ...
...the letter or spirit of Ciao law and as capable of a verbal dust up as any football fan after 15 pints. So what on earth madness was it that wormed its way into my head and led me to fire off a message to the bad boy of Ciao (and numerous other review sites)? I asked him to set me 20 questions for my 100th review and then I dried up totally and stopped writing. He in his wisdom said it'd do just fine for any random number review especially if it ... more

One idle afternoon over on www.reviewwritersforum.co.uk someone brought up the issue of what to do for their 100th review and asked people to set him some questions. In amongst the suggestions, serious and not so serious, it became clear to me that there was a master questioner lurking in the forum - a gentleman by the name of TheDuke.

Now I'll confess that TheDuke was a name I held in some fear and grudging respect - a chap with a nice line in cutting comments, an eye for infringement of the letter or spirit of Ciao law and as capable of a verbal dust up as any football fan after 15 pints. So what on earth madness was it that wormed its way into my head and led me to fire off a message to the bad boy of Ciao (and numerous other review sites)? I asked him to set me 20 questions for my 100th review and then I dried up totally and stopped writing. He in his wisdom said it'd do just fine for any random number review especially if it got me to start writing again and he agreed that if I set him 20 questions, we could post them on the same day.

Here is the Q&A designed for me by TheDuke and if you look around the Cafe Aaron will be posting his replies to my 20 questions today as well. Aaron put a lot of thought into the questions that he set for me and I know he'd like to be informed if anyone else wants to have a go at them too - so please, if you are going to post your answers to these questions, let TheDuke and Koshkha know with a message in the GBs - we wouldn't want to miss your reviews.

And so Ladies and Gentlemen, 20 questions from the Duke - seconds away, round ONE!

Round one - Ciao Questions:
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1a. If you could pick one Ciao member and ask them one question where you're guaranteed a 100% honest answer, who would you ask and what would the question be?
1b. What do you think their answer would be?

This is a tough one because if I wanted to ask someone something then I'd just ask and I don't have any burning and outstanding issues that I'd want to resolve. A few days ago (before we patched things up) I'd have said I wanted a straight answer from a certain member about why he unceremoniously dumped me from his COT without any warning or explanation and I think the answer would have been something to do with too much red wine and a bit of a mid-life crisis. But we've patched things up so I don't need that question any more and I'll have to think of another.

There was a German member last summer who joined up to post some really badly auto-translated reviews - no names here - and took any criticism very badly. These reviews got E's on ciao.de so HOW could they only be getting SH and H on the anglo site? A short while later a new member appeared, never wrote anything, gave a bunch of E's to that first person and spent an afternoon dishing out lots of SH's on old reviews of those who'd been so bold as to not rate the original person well. I would like a straight answer to the question whether they are/were the same person, whether dishing out lousy ratings made them feel better, and what they actually think they achieved. Oh and is the medication helping them these days! The answers? Well these are pretty rhetorical questions aren't they - I think I already know the answers already.

2. What's your take on the Ciao Community?

Ciao would be nothing without the community - and I don't think that the people who run the business realise that or respect it. Yes I know that it's all about hits and making money for the business but for me, and many like me, a ha'penny per hit is not something that would get me out of bed and logging on - that's where the community comes in.

Ciao is a more friendly and involving site than dooyoo BUT the gap is narrowing and Ciao are really pushing the limits of what's acceptable to their members; the money per read is often pitiful, their penny pinching ways (listing commercial products and making them unpaid) is pathetic, the surveys (on the rare occasion that you qualify) pay less than almost every other site and the diamond system is a joke. They persist in pushing members to make video reviews which most don't want to do and nobody seems to look at - and yet they offer £500 in prizes per category for the best video reviews.

So why do we stick around? It can only be the community.

3. If you could ask one Ciao member out on a date, who would it be and why?

That's such an embarrassing question and there's no way I'm going to give a straight answer. Don't you know I'm already married to the best human being in the known universe? However, in a parallel world where I'm not and all the gents of Ciao would be similarly available I'd ask for a composite ciao-man. I want to have a mix of trevorbrock, coleecip and dudo_perudo.

Why? Trevor because anyone who buys his wife six Giant African Land Snails as a Christmas present and sends message to my bear has got to be a good sort; coleecip because he's the smartest, cleverest and most creative writer on the entire site bar none and much nicer in real life than I'd ever imagined from the site - he'll be as embarrassed as hell for me saying all those thing; dudo_perudo because he's funny as hell and a total honey and I wish he'd come back asap.

4. What do you think are Ciao's main strengths and weaknesses?

Strengths
* Size - it IS important you know. Any time you sign on you'll always be able to find something that you want to read about and that you haven't read already.

* The dots - some people hate them but if you are a measurement-oriented, target-focused, statistics-obsessive like me, then they do give you something to aim for in the early days. However once you get to red and orange it's such a long way to get anywhere that the stimulation disappears. And as for the new black dot concept - that's a case of 'Out damn spot' as far as I'm concerned.

* The Café - there's a lot of rubbish in the café (including this review you could argue) but the great thing is that if you've got the urge to write you can almost always find a topic to write on.

Weaknesses
* Focus on the wrong things - why invent and launch a black dot when you have zillions of technical problems that need solving? Why push video reviews when you can't do a decent set of diamond selections?

* Lousy communication with the members - what's that community page there for if you are never going to use it? How often could technical issues be eased if someone at Ciao-central would think to post the odd message updating members on what's going on?

* Lack of respect for member opinions - Ciao needs its members but it doesn't seem to give a damn about what they think of each other's reviews as evidenced by their obsession with giving the diamonds to reviews that are designed to attract outside hits rather than member reads. Yes, I know it's hits that make money for Ciao but if the community doesn't write, there won't be any hits.

5. If you were Queen of Ciao, what would you do?

Ooh, now that would be a treat - I trust the job comes with good jewellery? After I'd run off with all the earnings and blown them on a really good long round-the-world blow-out, I would get tough on some of the things that annoy me:

* Nobody to post more than 2 reviews in a 24 hour period - that should stop the white dots flooding the new review listings with zillions of short reviews that readers won't touch and writers will only regret later.

* More Brits at Ciao-central - a bit less Germanic please. I've had emails from Ciao that I didn't even understand.

* Reinstate the 30 diamonds per month that used to be the norm - give people some hope that they might actually get recognition for good writing. Oh, and actually hand them out in a more 'timely' manner - no more waiting until the last week of the month to release the list.

* Institute the 'People's Diamonds' (do I sound like Tony Blair?) - at least half of the diamonds each month to go to the reviews that the members rate as the best rather than giving all of them to electronics and mobile phones. Reward what the members like once in a while not what Joe-geek who's looking for a mobile phone has hit on most that month.

* Sack the ad agency who came up with the stupid 'can of drink' ad telling people they could become famous, wealthy and probably more successful with the opposite sex by signing up for Ciao. And after I'd sacked the agency I'd have harsh words with whoever approved something so outrageously unrealistic.

6. What's the best Ciao username you've seen and why do you think it's the best?

I love the name arnoldhenryrufus but only because Lyn told me the origins of the name. It's really much ruder than anyone would imagine from such a respectable looking lady. And no, I'm not going to spill the beans, you'll have to ask her. (Sorry Lyn)

7. Who are the five most under-rated members on Ciao?

Under-rated? That's a tough thing to define - and I'm going to choose to interpret it as 'who do I think far more people should be reading because by not doing so, they are missing out on some great reviews?'
On that basis, I obviously can't choose anyone who's already really well read, immensely popular and swamped with hundreds of reads.

My choices:

Buzzardcad - writes very smart travel reviews and isn't afraid to say what he really thinks about lousy airports.

Malibujenny - has written some stunning reviews that really stick in my mind. Who could resist her piece on the '99p Store' revealing that she has a tendency to 'go funny' when faced with a bargain? She also created one of the cattiest reviews ever on Big Brother.

Coleecip - you already know that I think he has a brain the size of a planet. This chap challenges normal behaviour whilst not giving a stuff about the ratings he gets or how many people read him. His 'Top ten ways to waste time' review which he wrote and then deleted (to waste time) sticks in my mind along with the series of Ninja world cup offerings.

Fizzytom - Fiona has been to some bizarre places that you or I would turn our noses up at. People think I do some strange travel reviews but fizzytom goes where I would shudder to tread and records it all with great humour and insight.

Seresecros - another certifiable reviewer both for the strange things he writes about (I ask you - the history of mouth organs without mention of the late great Larry Adler?) and the colour of his bright blue wall in his about me photo.

If I interpret the question a different way, which is sheer self-indulgence on my part, here are the five writers whose appearance on my daily alerts is like the batphone ringing in Bruce Wayne's pad - a sign that instant action is required and I must click across for a look right away:

Belfast's funniest lady, she is to domesticity what Wayne Rooney is to flower arranging - Tallulahbang

The only reason to cross the Humber Bridge, Hull's most famous icon since John Prescott - Silverback

The only man who can write about bluetack and make it interesting - Garleon

Missing in action but very much missed - Painty

A restaurant writer who makes me feel I should stay at home and not bother doing restaurant reviews because she's so much better than me - Amazingwoo

8. In terms of some of the "Challenges" cluttering up the Café, what's better: an interesting question or an interesting answer?

You don't see many interesting answers to boring questions. It's possible I suppose but I'll take the interesting question.

9. If 1 community point was £1, how much would you have and what would you spend it on?

If points were pounds I'd happily give up work and write reviews. I'd have £64k and a bit and I suppose once I'd dismissed the urge to do something sensible (like paying a chunk off the mortgage) I'd spend it all on fantastic holidays.

10. What's your current favourite review writing site and why do you like it?

I'm active here and on dooyoo but recently I've spent most of my time on Trivago. It possibly doesn't really count as a review writing site (you can write reviews but there are lots of more interesting things to do with your time) but at the moment it's getting most of my attention. The money is good, the range of things you can do means you seldom run out of ideas and the longer you are a member, the more things you can do and the more money you can earn. It's not perfect by a long way but I enjoy it.
If anyone wants to join, drop me a message and I'd be v. happy to send you an invite (and I'd get oodles of bonus points for introducing you).

Round Two - THE PERSONAL STUFF

11. K, I notice you're a bit of a traveller. If you were told you could have 1 million pounds, but would have to give up travelling, what would you do?

When I first saw this question I thought you were going to ask me where I would go with a million. When it sank in just what you were suggesting, I went into a bit of a sulk and kept pestering hubby by talking about it. A million would mean I didn't need to work again but quite honestly, what would be the point in having all that money if I couldn't go anywhere? So a million pounds on the condition I have to sit on my arse at home and go no further than the local supermarket would be an offer I'd have to turn down. Stupid? Maybe.

12. What's the most important thing in your life?

The lovely and long-suffering Mr Koshkha of course. Without him there's not much point in all the rest of the stuff.

13. Describe yourself in ten words. Why did you choose those words?

Stuff off. I'm not telling you anything personal about me - that's ten words!

Seriously though……… if I have to give you some adjectives here's a bunch but I'm not going to explain them - this is long enough already:
Open, Energetic, Flexible, Enthusiastic, Determined, Disrespectful, Pragmatic, Direct, Unconventional, Caring, Picky.

14. Do you regularly set goals for yourself? If so, do you set goals that challenge you or ones that you know you can achieve?

For work I have to set goals or I'd get fired but I generally aim for a mix of the easy ones that are no-brainers and the tough 'stretching' ones. At home, I don't do resolutions but I'm forever on at hubby to make a list of all the stuff we need to do but we never get round to it. I love a long 'to do' list with lots of healthy ticks and if I didn't write it all down, I'd forget too many things.

Once in a while I'll get determined to set something tough - to go to Galapagos on the strength of flogging things on eBay. That one took years but we did it.

15. If you could have a dinner party, night at the pub or a meal in a restaurant with any three people in the world, who would they be and why would you invite them?

Only three - that's tough. I'm going to have three of my heroines for a girly get together:

Marie Curie - I absolutely idolised her when I was a teenager. The whole discovery of polonium, the exploration of radiation, the total lack of health and safety awareness, the grand passion for Pierre (she kept bits of fabric with his splattered brains on for years after his death) really caught my teen imagination. She was a true pioneer.

Sonia Gandhi - this was a toss up between her and her mother-in-law but Sonia won through because she never (as far as I know) has done something really nasty - anyone recall the sterilisation for transistor radios scam that Indira pushed through? I really would like to get her perspective on being a part of one of the world's most amazing and powerful dynasties and the courage it took to win an election and then turn down the chance to be president of the world's largest democracy - with the double whammy of then handing the role to a Sikh and totally challenging the taboo that followed her mother-in-law's assassination by her Sikh bodyguards.

Aung San Suu Kyi - the Burmese pro-democracy leader and Nobel Prize winner who has been under house arrest since 1989 - she could really do with a nice trip out for dinner with me and the other girls.

16. What one thing could someone do for you to make you very happy?

The funny thing is that most of the things you think you really want turn out to be a bit of a disappointment when you get them. If someone could magically give me 15 pounds weight loss and a metabolism that would enable me to eat like a horse without ever putting on an ounce then that would be cool. But if you are asking me what real thing could someone give me, then there's really nothing I can think of that would make me wildly more happy than I am now so I'll just take things as they are thanks.

17. If you could be the best at anything in the world, what would you choose? Why?

I quite fancy being the best at getting other people to open their minds and see other people's point of view - I'd be a sort of 'Supermediator'. People just waste so much time and energy fighting about stuff that's so often based on not listening to each other or wilfully misinterpreting what their enemies say and do. Just imagine what you could do with a talent like that? I'd sort out all the big world conflicts (get to visit some really interesting places along the way), make most reality TV totally obsolete and save the world a fortune in divorce lawyers and litigators.

18. What's the one big mistake that no-one ever lets you forget?

Letting my step-father take a photo of myself and my sister in the garden with rhubarb leaves on our heads when we were kids. Everyone that ever visits my parents gets shown that dumb photo.

19. Do you have any idols? If so, do you model yourself on them in any way?

I'd have to check with trevorbrock but I'm pretty sure that not having idols is number two on his boss's all-time no-no list. If you mean people I admire enormously then there are quite a few but I can't really say I'd model myself on any of them.

If you want examples you have my three dinner guests in the question above and then a slew of great writers (Rohinton Mistry, John Irving, Margaret Atwood, Alice Hoffman), some actors (Robert de Niro, Al Pacino, Susan Sarandon, Katherine Hepburn), great historic women leaders and influencers (Indira Gandhi, Mrs Bandranaika, Golda Meir, Annie Besant, Marie Stopes, the Pankhursts), singers (Elvis Costello, Roddy Frame, Billy Bragg, Bob Dylan, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell, Kirsty Maccoll). How's that for starters?

But who do I model myself on? I think I'm one of a kind but I'm still trying to implement my mother's great life philosophy which says that there's no sense worrying about anything that you can't change. It's taken me a while but I'm getting there.

20. Any regrets so far? What are they?

Regrets are pointless - what's done is done and if you can't change it, don't sweat it. I could say I regret that my father died when I was only four years old - but I'm a firm believer that if you are basically happy with your life, there's no point regretting things that happened because there's no way of knowing if everything else that followed wouldn't change too.So no big regrets - although having said that, not grabbing a load of Man Utd shares when they were about 90p each was a big mistake.

So that's it - I'm done.

A big thank you to Aaron (TheDuke) who's a much nicer chap than I ever imagined and I'm glad I got to know him a bit better through asking him for the questions. To anyone who's waded through all the way to the end sorry it was so long - you'll notice that 'concise' wasn't in my list of ten adjectives.  

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