Who is behind Ciaos’ 1st2the bar profile? This questionnaire will give you an insight into the explosive grey-matter mind of mine -- Here goes, let the operation commence.

1. What is your middle name?
Michael – Named after a guy my Mam fancied.

2. How big is your bed?
Nothing like going straight to the point; two foot by 1 foot square, though has lots slugs on it due to the rain.

3. What are you listening to right now?
The sound of my brain whirring; trying to answer this question.

4. What are the last 4 digits in your cell phone number?
The first 4 numbers are 0901 ----- Only 2.656 GBP a minute.

5. What was the last thing you ate?
At last a normal question. A chocolate fairy cake.

6. Last person you hugged?
I think it was the taxi driver a week last Saturday. It took me 30 minutes to walk 20 yards to my front door.

7. How is the weather right now?
I’m not sure, I haven’t asked.

8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Gordon Brown, he wanted to know what present to get President Bush – I said, a Sweater – It worked for Tony Bear.

9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Usually their fingernails as they flirt a tenner from my wad. Then, it’s their cleavage as that’s where the tenner goes. Then it’s their legs as they walk away.

10. Favourite type of Food?
Food I don’t have to pay for – not fussy

11. Do you want children?
Yeah, I’m a softy at heart… 2 hours max, maybe a little longer, if traffic is bad.

12. Hair colour?
Dark brown – Though once I had a flour fight and it was white.

13. Do you wear contacts?
No I don’t. I tend to keep my contacts on my mobile phone.

14. Favourite holiday?
I went to Stockholm in late 1994, I was invited to stay with a lovely Swedish girl. I had a great 5 days; then I had to go home, she then dumped me the next day; very thoughtful, as to not spoil my holiday.

15. Favourite Season?
There’s so many to choose from. Ummmm Winter.

16. Have you ever cried over a love lost?
All of my loves have never been stupid as to get lost. Though sometimes I wished they had been stupid.

17. Last Movie you watched?
Now this is a trick question as hopefully I’ve not seen my last movie yet. Aaaah! Now if I had a choice of last movie I would probably be too ill to watch it. Though the film ‘Blue’ would be a great choice.

18. What books are you reading?
I can only read one book at a time, I have not been blessed unlike many females in being able to read more than one book simultaneously at a record pace. When asking them what happened on page 204, they have not got a clue. – Oh, I don’t read, unless it’s sporadic pages from a book to prove a point.

19. Piercing?
No, had too many accidents, infections been told to me, by deformed people.

20. Favourite Movie?
American Psycho – I can relate to the madness behind the social interactions in people. The whole film does a fantastic job of identifying the problems in a democratic freedom that makes people see objects as ownership and therefore social worth. I’ve seen the way this film explores credit worthiness. This is a disease and is very well executed, and asks questions in peoples’ values in ownership. It’s mentally stimulating.

21. Favourite college football team?
-- Any-one who has cheerleaders who dresses minimally --

22. What were you doing before filling this out?
I was wondering what to write in the introduction, before this odd-ball questioning started.

23. Favourite animal?
I’m not sure that I’m allowed to delve into that part of my mind, without causing a shocking response to my adoring public; any animal really so long it would involve a cheerleader.

24. Favourite drink?
I like anything that hydrates the body, makes you giggle.

25. Favourite flower?
The Mayflower Inn.

26. Have you ever loved someone?
Yes ---- pause ---- but she loved my money!

27. Who would you like to see right now?
I would like to see all my ex-girlfriends and ask for my money back.

28. What colour are your bedroom walls?
Nothing to write home about; -- off the record a ‘very light blue’.

29. Have you ever fired a gun?
Yes I have; many times. Though, I do find that a personal question.

30. Do you like to travel by plane?
It depends where I’m going. If, I had to travel by plane and didn’t like it; I wouldn’t travel by plane.

31. Right-handed or Left-handed?
I’m right-handed; though when my right-hand gets tired I use my left hand.

32. If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
This is one is for the good of the western world. I’ve thought about it and I would like to pose as an old deformed Warlord from the Afghan mountains and visit Bin Laden’s cave and present him with a nice cup of Earl Grey spiked with Polonium. I will then take pictures and present it to President Bush and ask for my $40 Million bounty.

33. Are you missing someone?
-- Random – I don’t know – I’m stumped on that one. Unless some-one has got lost and not told me, that is. Then again, why would they tell me? I’m not a Sat Nav system, linked to satellites circling the planet.

34. Do you have tattoo?
No, I don’t know where the sordid girl duo band are. I always thought tattoos’ were permanent. Not according to these tactile lesbian playmates

35. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
Sadly not – Not since the Beeb axed ‘Penelope Pitstop’. That neck-scarf use to make me blush.

36. Are you hiding something from someone right now?
Yes -- ------- -- It is very well hidden, no-one will find it. No I’m not going to keep saying it in my mind, you’ll guess it. Derren Brown might be a Ciaoer.

37. Are you 18?
Flattery gets you everywhere. Depends, who is asking, and how old you are, first tell me your vital statistics and get the ball rollingJ

38. What is the wallpaper on your cell phone?
Another random one there. I have no wallpaper on my cell phone. The reason being, I’m not an interior designer; nor am I some-one who leaves their cell phone around in places where wallpaper stripping is done.

39. Are you afraid of the dark?
Not unless something is in the darkness, lurking around like an Inland Revenue Tax Inspector.

40. Favourite Hangout?
I ‘hang-out’ all the time, usually to the left. Sometimes I don’t hang-out. It has a will of its’ own. I don’t have a favourite kind of ‘hang-out’ it’s all natural and the way I’m made.

41. Three things you can’t live without?
That is easy –
1 – A 100% working body.
2 – Oxygen
3 – Food (for energy supply)

42. Favourite songs?
Good question -- I am a Real-tones and Dial-tones mogul. I have been knocked out by a song by the ‘Chemical Brothers’; it’s called, ‘Do it again’. Pure genius! I also like the ‘Sunscreen’ song. ‘Audio Bullies – Shot me down’. ‘Boogie Pimps – Somebody to love’

43. What are you afraid of?
I'm afraid of answering questions like: What are you afraid of?

44. Are you a giver or a taker?
I’m a giver when it comes to helping others if I can – and a taker when I require help myself. It differs when and where you are. In relationships if you’re a giver all the time you can be left deflated and bitter if all goes pear shaped. Hold back something for yourself. It is not what you do, but how you do it.

45. What are your nicknames?
Apart from 1st2thebar. The Bermuda Triangle, (TBT) I don’t know why, I guess it is everyone seems to lose their marbles when around me.

46. What is your dad’s middle name?
Quite boring really – Gordon -- (No just Gordon, not the quite boring really)

47. What do you sleep in?
This is another trick question – I sleep in a bed. I find it more comfortable than on the floor or in a hammock or in a chair or even standing (like horses) – No surprises there.

48. Stuck on a deserted island, and can only bring one thing?
The Royal Family (as a whole unit) I will ransom the Royal family off to the world’s highest bidders, each week multi millionaires will bid for a Royal, they will then leave the island and do domestic chores around the winning bidders mansion. Prince Edward’s TV company will film events around the deserted island; for a new reality TV program. It will be called ‘The Royal Ransom’. It would be amazing.

49. Favourite TV commercial?
It’s gotta be the ‘Hamlet’ cigar > toilet one -- with the smoke coming out over the door cubicle; simple and very effective.

50. First thing you’ll save in a fire?
Myself, my mobile, and all my memory keys.

51. What is your favourite colour?
Not sure really, I guess it is black and white equally. You can’t have one without the other, without looking very black.

52. What are the things you always bring with you?
I tend to always have my wallet with me. Sunglasses, due to all the lovely weather we have in the UK. I have a copy of The Financial Times. I also make sure I have a personal organiser, mobile, and of course my memory keys.

53. What did you want to be when you were a kid?
I wanted to be my Dad when very young. When I realised we were different people. I then, embarked on creating my own character and to this day am still the same person -- I didn’t change policies every five minutes like in modern politics – I kept true to myself and through hard work and by not paying any attention to any of my teachers and parents, I made my own beliefs ideologies which has made me who I am today; a Ciaoer.

54. What do you do when the alarm turns on?
The same as question 50; I would save myself, grab my mobile and my memory keys and snatch my coat; wait outside for the fire brigade.

55. What colour is your bed sheet?
Believe it or not it changes every-week; put it this way, they are not a dirty grey colour, with Hobnob crumbs embedded in them smeared in marmite and jam. Then again, it depends if I got lucky one particular night.

56. Who do you want to meet?
Yep, I’m going to say Abigail Clancy; she is an intelligent WAG partner to Peter Crouch the England and Liverpool striker. I would dress up in a Liverpool football kit; I will spike my hair up with some gum putty. Spray on some Liverpool locker room aftershave. I will also dance like a 1982 robot on stilts; rotating similar to a head of an electric toothbrush. In my pocket I will have a little electric toothbrush of my own.

57. What do you think about before you go to bed?
Did I check the fire alarm battery? Did I clean my bed sheets? I can’t get that damn ‘Hamlet’ advert tune out of my head. Where has that Penelope Pitstop poster gone? My electric toothbrush is very similar to Peter Crouch doing his robot dance after he scores. Did I answer all those 700 questions in that weird Q& A; for my adoring Ciao public?

No brain cells were harmed while answering these questions. Thank you for reading.