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The Army stood its ground. It had been a hard struggle to reach where they now were. A long hard winter followed by a cold spring meant that growth in numbers within the ranks had been slow. Indeed many of its numbers had perished, frozen by the arctic frost, more casualties exterminated by the frequent yet unusually heavy snow.
Now the climate was warming, the sun had begun to stroke their backs, encouraging activity, the warm winds had started to soften the ground, mass movement became easier in the ranks, encouraging further movements of growth across the land. As a result a noticeable increase in numbers could be seen. Each day they strengthened, keen to seek out new land, their ultimate wish to populate, no indeed propagate.
Looking across the Plateau, Major G. S. Blade surveyed the enemy, a soul enemy who stood gazing towards the heavens, wiping his bald pate with the back of his hand, changing his stance, now looking down across the Plateau, “What are this mans intentions” thought Blade. Having secured the flank over a period of months he could not even begin to realise the extent of what devastation faced his army. An army who had recently been described as greenbacks, those “Fast Stream” upstarts at Headquarters were wrong, he knew better. His men, the strong and the true, they knew the score, they would fight, no surrender!
Major Blade’s opponent surveyed the land and his foe, he looked to the sky and felt the sun’s rays beating upon his head, he donned his shades and prepared to start his assault. Once more he looked at his foe, watching them move together in the wind, ripples of movement not unlike the sea, but in this case a green sea. “Too long have you had the opportunity to grow unchecked”, he said, “Time to start the routine, spring is here, soon it will be summer, alleluia!”
Clanmac4 pushed the pre-start button twice, he heard the fuel enter the chamber, he straightened, and then with one sharp pull of the starter cord, the machine came to life. Major G.S. Blade and his army never stood a chance!
~~ Ladies and Gentlemen – I give you the Victor! The Qaulcast Trojan 16 is a petrol driven Lawnmower that just massacres grass, weeds, plants, toes, fingers, apples, toys and bread. Generally it will cut up anything you push it over.
Why the mad introduction, well why the hell not, lets lighten this thing we love and call Ciao, we Ciaoers are a breed apart, me? I am past redemption, poetic license, bet your arse on it, always.
~~ The Machine This lawnmower was purchased last August, it cost £125, and it was a replacement for my pathetic electric Flymo. I needed something that would service a medium sized army and do it quickly, without the spectre of me getting electrocuted in the process.
This is a mower that is targeted at the utility Lawn. This means that you should not buy it for an ornamental lawn, reason? It only cuts to a depth of 3cm. This means that your grass will never be short. Short as in St Augusta, the 18th Hole and Tiger Woods putting for the Masters Championship, no! I actually have little interest in golf, but the greens, just look at the greens!
~~ Technicalities The mower feeds on Lead Free petrol, it uses Lawnmower Oil, it utilises one spark plug and an oil filter. The machine is of the rotator breed and whilst very good at its intended job, it is very dangerous to young children and pets. The engine gets very hot in use, therefore please keep the children and pets away. It cuts between 3cm and 7cm in grass height, it has a collector attachment, which, ehm, collects the cut grass.
When the machine is not in use it should be drained of petrol and oil. I have done this, and it started first time upon re-fuelling.
~~ Summary It is a small black number, yes indeed, sexy, no, lethal to Major Blade? – Indeed it is!
you nutter! you should have got the self propelled 18s version, you could have sellotaped the handle on, and sent it out in 'drone' mode across a minefield to check for booby traps. i got my 18s up at the council tip. a twit had chucked it out coz he/she had bent the throttle lever. some people eh? it does the job ok, but you can't sit on it and drink a beer while trying to get nice stripes. -anyway, there might be a mine! i agree it does enjoy 'eating' apples, faster than a horse i'd say! but it smells the next week, making you want to get a can of mangers cider out. i wish i could cannabilise the kids remote control car, to turn the mower around, -then i could mow the lawn in sniper mode from under the parasol -best £5 ive ever spent! -perhaps the name of the mower being 'trojan' and the 'horse-apple' link could be used to infiltrate neighbouring arris rail barracades. to claim territory. perhaps i could load the basket with an 'action man' plenty of apple debris to keep them going.
Lynda04 15.04.2001 01:02
Ha, I too am venturing into lawnmower territory, methinks your General has some of his troops encamped in Shropshire, yes, I have been observing their movements the past week.
I have called for re-enforcements and await their arrival with baited breath! Great op Dave, I have just got a mower, op to follow soon :-)
Crazy-Christian 14.04.2001 02:33
I don't know about this one, Dave. A bit dry, too serious, too technical. Never mind, we all have our off-days. (Chuckles!) Sorry, couldn't keep it up - I agree with everyone here. I wish I could write about boring stuff in such an interesting manner! Jonathon