Question time!

.../> What type of a question is this? I turn to the others, but they all remain motionless. Ok, let's get on with it!

"Assuming the other two don't know what's about to happen," I begin, "I would ask both of them which one is the biggest eater, and choose from there! It wouldn't be an easy decision though as they're both great. If they did know, then I'd have to say Dempsey, just because Newty is my Ciao Hubby! But what ...
...
The next question is by a lady, wearing sunglasses and a backpack. She is holding a raggedy Gund teddy bear, which looks like he's had a ride in many suitcases, been used as a duster and by the looks of it, has sampled way too many pillow chocolates! He is brown, with a red jacket and trousers. Her name is Koshkha. The bear is named Pooh.

Koshkha stands, and, hold on, the bear too! Pooh begins to speak…

QUESTION...... ... more

I enter the exam room. I hate interviews, except this is different. This isn't any ordinary interview. It's the greatest chance anyone could have, to be President of the World!

When I applied for this job I received some instructions, which I still have in my hand:

"Lauricha (who shall henceforth be referred to as 'Elle'),

You have successfully been short-listed for an interview with our choice panel of interviewers. They will pose to you one or two questions to which you must answer truthfully. There are no right or wrong answers, however be assured we will be analysing your comments accordingly. The interviewers may ask any question, be it personal, strange or odd.

Answer well and you could hold the title of presidency. Answer badly and we will throw you out on your backside.

The Elite"

Ok, reading that again hasn't helped! I look over to the door and see a trembling person run out of the board room in tears. Oh great, this is gonna be tough.

"Elle, of Hornchurch in the impoverished region of Romford, Havering, please enter the board room." booms a voice from around the corner.

I pick up my handbag and resume and sheepishly walk into the massive room. Ahead of me are 10 or 11 people sitting round a huge white table. In fact, the whole room seems to be white, like something out of a Habitat showroom, and it's really bright. I hope it's not like this the whole interview; I'll need a migraine tablet afterwards if it is.

"Please, sit" says the same loud, booming voice.

I obediently sit on the white, plastic chair.

"So, Elle. Things will proceed as per the letter you received. The questions will begin!"

I see a man, he looks like he's balding. In front of him is a small, white swan. I wonder if this has any significance? His name is strange, SgHawken. He stands.

QUESTION...... "Elle, you, Newty and Dempsey are on a desert island; none of you have eaten for 5 days. A friendly native offers you the dish of your choice to be shared with another. However the person you choose not to share with has to be sacrificed to the giant swan god in a tribal mating ritual. Who do you share with and why? Who gets sacrificed?"

What type of a question is this? I turn to the others, but they all remain motionless. Ok, let's get on with it!

"Assuming the other two don't know what's about to happen," I begin, "I would ask both of them which one is the biggest eater, and choose from there! It wouldn't be an easy decision though as they're both great. If they did know, then I'd have to say Dempsey, just because Newty is my Ciao Hubby! But what we'd do is get the food, pretend to be eating and then, while the others are basting Demps with garlic butter sauce in their massive earthenware cooking pots, Newty would steal the swan god and force them to release Demps uncooked and unharmed."

A murmur goes around the room; people have started writing on bits of paper.

The next interrogator stands up, although I can't quite see him over the polished, white desk. His name plate says Ben100100100509. He only looks about 13, how can he be one of the Elite?!

QUESTION...... "Elle, Describe yourself WITHOUT using the letter E..."

These questions get weirder and weirder!

"Umm, I am a smart, bright, dainty lady. I work in London and wish I could own a sports car, such as a Lamborghini. I occasionally drink alcohol (particularly JD and Cola) and snack on crisps on my days off work!"

I receive what I can only assume is a favourable look from Ben and he sits.

The next question is by a lady, wearing sunglasses and a backpack. She is holding a raggedy Gund teddy bear, which looks like he's had a ride in many suitcases, been used as a duster and by the looks of it, has sampled way too many pillow chocolates! He is brown, with a red jacket and trousers. Her name is Koshkha. The bear is named Pooh.

Koshkha stands, and, hold on, the bear too! Pooh begins to speak…

QUESTION...... "Elle, I am Koshkha's representative here in England. The question we all would like to know is this: As you know, we like to travel. Therefore, imagine you have the chance to take 3 famous people, dead or alive, away for the weekend. Where would you take them, why, and what would you do?"

This is really hard! I think for a few minutes and look at the bear appealingly, hoping he'll ask another question.

"WOULD YOU PLEASE ANSWER THE QUESTION!" retorts the same, loud, booming voice.

Flippin heck, ok, umm… "I would say I'd go to the Amazon and trek where no one has ever been before. I'd take Steve Irwin in case we meet up with any dangerous animals. He'd be quite good to help us survive too, and I'm sure could teach us a few things!"

I pause, thinking for the next person. As I look across the room I see lots of different flags hanging from the ceiling. As I look at the Union Jack, I realize who I must pick.

"Next would be David Walliams and Matt Lucas for the in-flight entertainment and to basically watch them make complete fools of themselves, I think we'd need some humour on this kind of trip."

Who next? Oh, I know… "And finally Rosa Parks. Rosa isn't that famous and many may not have heard of her but we'd need her in case we meet up with any rude people, she'd teach them some manners. I'd also love to hear her experiences of what life was like back in the day when racism was rife and how she coped."

Koshkha sits down and puts her teddy on her lap.

The next person to stand is named millieroy. As she stands, she exudes confidence and has an air of authority about her. To be honest, I'm quite scared as to what she'll ask.

QUESTION...... "Elle," starts milleroy, in a soft, gentle voice, "Elle, what is the worst or most embarrassing thing you've done after a few drinks which you didn't remember the next day until someone told you about it?"

I feel I could tell this lady anything! But obviously, if one is to be president of the world, one must act presidential.

I clear my throat. "I don't know what you mean; I have never been drunk…" I trail off when I notice that all of the Elite are laughing. Ok, they know I'm lying. They can probably read minds too. "Right, well, the last time I was drunk to the point of forgetting was about a month ago. Phil had booked a surprise weekend away for me near Thorpe Park so we could use up our annual passes. We took our own alcohol and basically got completely lashed. I did some stuff that I can't really mention for fear of minors being present. Let's just say it's very rude. Anyway I couldn't remember it the next morning and Phil related it to me in gory detail. The only thing I remember is playing Phooey (a card game) whilst watching Deal or No Deal."

Phew, that was hard, I think I played it ok though.

"Elle, I have another question for you." Oh man! "What is the most bizarre thing you've ever done to impress someone you had a crush on, maybe back in school days?"

Think think think! I did loads of embarrassing stuff. "Well, I asked my friend to ask a guy out for me. I rigged a game of spin the bottle so I could kiss my crush. I used to drag my best friend to the footie pitch so I could stare at him. I bribed my friend to swap my partner with hers because I fancied the pants off him… shall I go on?"

Milleroy shakes her head and sits down. I'm sure I heard her say 'weirdo' under her breath!

TammyL129 takes the floor. She is dressed in pink and has a cat purring on her desk.

QUESTION...... She asks: "Elle, I am very interested in what people did while they were at school. What was your favourite childhood game?"

Ohh, so many! "Well TammyL129, I had many favourite games. I enjoyed British Bulldog, stuck in the mud, but my favourite game of all time was 'Espeeonarge'. Me and my sister used to play it with our cousins. It was the Mission Impossible era, we were easily influenced! It consisted of spying on our parents and aunties and uncles, taking notes about what they were talking about, shadowing them and compiling them at the end of the day. It was great!"

The next member stands up and takes the floor. His name I'd RICHADA. Hmm, a play on the name Richard, or maybe he just can't spell? He seems quite grumpy and for some reason has carrier bags from different supermarkets in a sort of cape-like gown on him.

QUESTION...... "Elle, bring three dead Hollywood stars back to life and substitute three Ciao members for them. For example, cast three famous people as Ciao members and explain why you have chosen them."

"Right, I'd have to say… Fabulous_girl reminds me of Marilyn Monroe, as she's a real girlie girl and so pretty! Newty reminds me of Charlie Chaplin. Not looks wise, but because Charlie was a funny man, a legend and so is Newt! Bette Davis was always known as a cheeky lass, famous for her pranks and satirical sense of humour, so I think who better than to play her than SgHawken? Plus it would be hilarious to see him in a dress!"

RICHADA sits down and give an approving nod.

Next, a young man stands up. His name is Dempsey_Review and I believe it was his idea that first started this interview! He has a thundercats lunchbox on his desk, a can of Lynx with 'Swan Repellant' written on it and is wearing a badge that says something like 'Orniphobic - Fear of Swans' Is orniphobic even a real world?

QUESTION...... "Elle, we all know that you have a friends wedding coming up." How did they know that?! "If you had unlimited money to spend on your wedding however, what would make your day perfect?"

I don't need any time to think about this!

"Well, Mr Demps, I'd have my wedding in a stately home, with a massive gazebo for dancing and socializing after the ceremony. It would have a mirrored floor and there would be fairy lights everywhere! I would commission Vera Wang to make me a gorgeous dress and get Phil a £5,000 suit by Armani. There would be mini chocolate fountains with Godiva chocolate as centerpieces on every table. I would arrive in a helicopter and Phil would arrive in a Hummer limo. I would have personalized wedding favours for all the guests and would have Keifer Sutherland as the minister. Steven Speilberg would film the wedding video and Irving Penn would be our photographer."

Dempsey_review smiles as he sits down. "Good answer" he says, approvingly. I think I got through that one ok at least!

Another member stands, her name is Playgirl27. She stands and asks...

QUESTION...... "If you had to pick five members from ciao to take out for a drink, who would you choose and why?"

Ohh, finally an easy question!

"I would pick…

Koshkha…… as she seems like a really lovely lass! She'd have to bring Pooh of course!
Fabulous_Girl…… she's a right laugh, I bet we'd have a great time after a few drinks!
Tadders…… so she could keep us all in line. She seems really lovely too!
Newty…… so I could give him some tips in pulling! Hehe, only jokin! And finally…
Lizrow…… her reviews are hilarious, she's so bubbly, and she reminds me of my best friend at school. I bet we'd have some fun!

Just as I begin to sit down, Micheledog bursts in the room. "Excuse me for being late Elle. I had an emergency to attend to."

All around the room I hear whispers… crème egg … half price sale… secret? As everyone settles down, michelledog asks...

QUESTION...... "Elle, have you ever wet yourself, either laughing or because you couldn't get to the loo in time?"

What? What type of a question is that for the next President of the World? "Umm, micheledog, is that question really necessary?" I ask hesitantly.

She looks at me while unraveling the biggest Crème Egg I've ever seen. It must be as big as my face. "Oh it's very important. Carry on."

I pause for thought. "Well, I think I was about 7," I begin, "I'd just been shopping at the Co-op with mum and she was unloading the car. I had said to her that I needed to go to the toilet but she didn't realize how desperate I really was. As I got to the front door I couldn't hold it in any more… and I'm sure know what happened next." My face flushes bright red. I bet George Bust didn't have to go through this when he wanted to be president.

Another man stands. His name is Paulmiceli, he looks very familiar, I'm sure I know him from somewhere. He asks his question:

QUESTION...... "A mysterious stranger corners you in a supermarket and offers you £1,000,000 in hard cash if you change your name to Mrs Newty by deed poll and have an Everton tattoo etched on your backside. Do you accept?"

"Well," I say "I'd have to see the money first and of course verify that it is real and not fake. But yes, if he offered me a million I would be tempted. On two conditions."

"Go on." He says.

"Well, I would want the tattoo to be no bigger than 1cm in width and length and that I could change my name back as soon as legally possible."

As Paulmiceli sits down, he says something in Sicilian. I have to ask. "Excuse me, Paulmiceli, are you related to me?" I inquire.

"Well, all my family are from Calamonici in Sicily and Bedford, I doubt it." He retorts.

"All my family are from there too!" I exclaim. "How strange!"

The next member stands.

"Elle, my name is Torr. I hope the others haven't made you feel too uncomfortable with their choice of questions. My question for you, however, is this:

QUESTION...... Who - if you had the whole range of history ancient and modern to choose from - would you (a) most like to have been and (b) least like to have been, and why?"

Again with the history! Ok, let me think. "I would like to have been Florence Nightingale. She really helped those in need and assisted with the heath standards of hospitals. She cared for her patients and gained their respect. She was a truly wonderful woman. I don't think I'd like to have been Cleopatra. She was made to marry her brother when she was only 12. She was caught up in family struggles and betrayed by her sisters and brothers. She was used in war games over Egypt, Rome and Macedonia. She had a hard life, and I couldn't have controlled situations like she did nearly as well."

Torr sits down and Newty now has the floor. As he stands he blushes. I wonder why?!

QUESTION...... "Elle, if you had to live the rest of your days as an object or piece of matter from anywhere in outer space, what would you choose to be and why?"

What? I really didn't understand that accent. I can't ask him to repeat it, he's obviously speaking my language… or is he?

"Excuse me," I ask, hesitantly, "I don't understand Dutch."

"I'm not Dutch!" he snaps, "I'm from Liverpool"

I think he said Liverpool.

I stand up. "Well Newty, I consider myself as a bit of a geek when it comes the universe. I have a Celestron telescope I bought when I was about 12. Having seen so many beautiful stars and galaxies, I'd have to say I would love to be the eagle Nebula (M16 in the Messier catalogue). They are called the pillars of creation. They look like columns of clouds and their function is to create new stars. There is lots of activity going on in them all the time, and it would be great to make something that people caould see forever. That's what I would be!"

Newty sits down.

"Oh, and just as some useless information," I chime in, "most of the stars we see today may have exploded and vanished millions of years ago. While we think we're actually seeing the stars themselves, were actually seeing the light that is being reflected from them back to us."

Newty stands again and smiles as he says "You're right, that is useless information!"

As the last member takes her stand I can't help feel relieved that it's nearly over.

Her name is Tadders. She's dressed in a wedding dress for some reason.

QUESTION...... "Elle, what is your greatest ambition in life?" she asks.

"Well, to be president of the world! But if this opportunity hadn't come up I would have to say to lead a happy, meaningful life, surrounded by friends and family. I have a goal of becoming a journalist and retiring in some fantastic location in Asia."

Tadders sits down and the loud booming voice returns. "Elle, you may leave the room and return to the swampy hell-hole you call Romford"

He's not wrong there. I stand up, pick up my handbag and leave the room.

Two week later I receive a letter.

"Elle Demetriou

9th May 2006

Dear Mr/Ms/Mrs/Miss Demetriou

Thank you for attending the interview with us for the position of President of the World.

While you presented yourself extremely well and impressed us very much, I regret that we are not on this occasion able to offer you the position, due to there being other better qualified candidates.

I thank you for the interest and enthusiasm you have shown and wish you all the best for the future, wherever your endeavors may lead you.

Best wishes, etc

The Elite"
 

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