Recipes for Main Courses

After my last couple of heavy going reviews I thought I might treat you to another installment of Clinton's Cuisine……

Today is last night's tea …….Squabble and Eek…..Shelle and I first made this a couple of years ago whilst holidaying in the lap of luxury…ala Clinton (Cara) van.
It was throwing it down (as per usual) and there actually seemed to be a lake outside the caravan door. It was Shelle's turn to go to the shops for provisions, but as she is somewhat vertically challenged she was a little scared of drowning in said 4" lake.
So we decided to use what we had in the fridge………

*****INGREDIENTS*****

As with most of my cooking I never actually weigh/measure anything so I am just giving you guestimates…….I also never seem capable of cooking for 2 or 4…so feel free to scale down the ingredients as I think I am cooking for the street again……

8 Chicken Breasts (oops no sorry that's 6…I always get a couple extra for my bra…)
15 salad potatoes (the waxy ones that don't fall into mush when you cook them)
2 rashers of bacon (makes the cabbage edible)
1 Onion
1 Leek
2 Carrots
Few leaves of Savoy Cabbage
Sugar snap peas
100 grams strong cheddar cheese
Handful Pine nuts
6 Chestnut mushrooms
Garlic
Ginger
Rosemary
Olive Oil
Pepper
A few pans
A sharp knife (watch your finger - please note there is no blood in the ingredients list)
Water (to state the obvious)
Garlic crusher
Grater
A complete disregard for the state your kitchen is going to end up in (hmm I think you may find this a common ingredient in my recipes…)

Glass of wine (Sod it - make that a bottle) (hmmm ditto above)

*****METHOD*****

Wash your hands…(Yes yes I know……but despite the mess I make…..I can't stand yuck on my hands)
Pour your wine and start drinking.

Squash your garlic to smithereens with one of those nice little devices…or chop it with knife
Grate your ginger…don't bother peeling it…….I never do (rub the rosemary on your hands to get rid of garlic smell)
Cut up your chicken and put in bowl with garlic and ginger and splash of olive oil and season with pepper…..leave for half an hour.
Whilst this is marinating……slice your potatoes into errrr slices, put in pan with water and parboil (about 10 mins)
Now finely chop your onion and leek and fry off in a huge frying pan with a little olive oil.
Drain potatoes and brown them off too.
Peel your mushrooms (yes I am rather anal aren't I ….well it saves washing them and then using 6 rolls of kitchen paper to dry them…what do you mean you don't dry them?...shut it…peel them!!) then add to pan with onions and leeks.
Now get another frying pan and brown off your chicken and bacon, ensuring it is cooked all the way through.
Transfer to the pan with your potatoes , onions and leeks and mushrooms.
Grate your carrot and cheese and throw in with your chopped cabbage, sugar snap peas and your pine nuts.
Cook for about 3 mins and serve……..mmmm delicious.

Now let the dog into the kitchen to clean the floor.

*****ALTERNATIVES*****

Now that is how it is supposed to be made…… This is how it was made last night…….

Daughter is in a panto and only had an hour in the house between performances…so it needed to be quick……… we were expecting my sis and bro in law, who had pulled the "evening performance straw" out of the hat and were acting as taxi driver for me……

Mistake No 1…………. I decided that the butterscotch and vanilla vodka shots smiling at me from the fridge would be a nice substitute for the usual wine……..

Mistake No2…………I couldn't be bothered chopping garlic or ginger……so used some Garlic, ginger and spring onion sludge out of a tube in the fridge……

Mistake No 3, 7 and 9……………I didn't use salad potatoes! ….

Mistake No 4………I had too many vodka shots….

Mistake No 5………I couldn't be bothered finding my glasses before chopping the onions……
Which resulted in mascara in my eyes, all over my face, hands, onion, leek……..

Mistake No 6……Going to find a tissue to clean said eyes….and spotting my new early birthday present….Sony Ericson W850i ……and sitting down to play with…..

Mistake No 7…..forgetting all about the potatoes as a result of mistake numbers 3, 4, 5 & 6

Mistake No 8……not draining the excess from mistake No 2 from the pan…resulting in pan being full of sludge….

Mistake No 9…..thinking that I could save on washing up and browning potatoes in pan with chicken……not yet realising that mistake No 8 would wing back at me and turn said potatoes into something resembling….err lets think what was it the other half said when he came into the kitchen to ask what was for tea - despite my hurriedly standing in front of cooker trying to make him look at my boobs instead (didn't work as I hadn't put the fillets in yet) - looks like fried mashed potato with goo………..

Mistake No 10……Not being bothered to look for pine nuts in cupboard and thinking a handful of salad mix (sunflower seeds, pine nuts and pumpkin seeds) would do……

Mistake No 11……spotting above mentioned birthday present sat there willing me to caress its outer skin……….resulting in forgetting about said mush in pan once again…and hence ending up with crispy/burnt on the outside…slime on the inside……

*** SERVE ***

I slopped this onto everyone's plates and gave them all the evil eye…meaning "don't you dare criticize my cooking or I shall cry" except that due to Mistake No's 4 & 5 I already looked as though I had cried a river and they obviously thought a little more wouldn't hurt…….

This escalated into full scale war as everyone except Shelle (who grew up on her grandma's cooking and there for is capable of eating ANYTHING….plus she loves me) declared it completely inedible…

There were cries of I don't like…sunflower seeds/ mushrooms / ANY OF IT…….
Which resulted in a 20 min reminisce from Mike, Shelle and I ….. when I was a kid….we had to eat everything that was put in front of us …including sprouts, liver, kidneys, heart……

The dog refused to clean the kitchen floor and I had to cook one of my "spare" chicken fillets.

Mistake No 12….I decided that (in my vodka shot enhanced state of mind) that 1 fillet was better than none……
I reeled back into kitchen amidst shrieks of laughter due to my lopsidedness and, deciding I was Not going to get lucky tonight, passed out amidst filthy pans, mascara stained worktops/walls/ceiling, plates full of crispy cold goo

Disclaimer….I accept no responsibility for you not going to the chippy when you only have half an hour and six vodka shots to produce a lovely satisfying tea.