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So, it has been a long few months since last I reviewed the crap out of anything. I find myself with a moment spare between holidays, performing in burlesque shows, working constantly and partying hard. All the Christmas shopping has been done (finished on the 30th of November, which I recommend everyone try once as it’s a tonne of fun watching everyone else run round like headless chickens for the whole month) and all the presents are wrapped and under the tree (ok, slight lie, two tiny ones to go, I’ll do those later). All I have left to do today is ponder my last day of work tomorrow before a week off. The joy.
My work, in high Christmas spirits, have decided that they will be closing early on Christmas eve and we all get to go home at 4 instead of 8. My work, more in line with Scrooge than, say, Jesus, have also decided that since they are closing we all get to change our 11:30 start time to 8am. This makes me go into a bit of a panic. Partly because I will have to get up at 7am and I likely won’t be going to bed till 3am and partly because they are also making us take a half hour lunch. Why is this of any consequence? Well, it takes half an hour to get to Tesco and back and Tesco (amongst others) is where my unending supply of energy comes from in the form of Relentless.
No half measures
Relentless, for those of you who didn’t know, is an energy drink. One that is capable of giving an elephant a heart attack from just one can. (That’s not been proven, but Christ this stuff works). Each can contains 500ml (which is double that of Red Bull) and if Red Bull gives you wings, this stuff rips your face off, sticks you on the back of a space shuttle and blows your ass to outer space.
I first discovered Relentless when my friend brought a can to work. I had had a horrible sleep the night before and was falling asleep at my desk. Having ran out of pro plus and having no money for the coffee machines, she offered me this golden elixir. I was impressed.
In your mouth
Flavour wise this stuff is brilliant. There are four flavours so if one doesn’t tickle your taste buds, another might just do the job for you. There is “Origin” (the original flavour in a brown can) which tastes almost the exact same as Red Bull, a flavour I am at a loss to describe. A friend once described it as drinking battery acid that has been in the sun too long. I would have to say that it’s the tastiest batter acid I’ve ever drank!
Next there is “Inferno” which is a fizzy orange with a slight spicy kick to it (I might just be imagining that though) and is packed in an orange can. The fore mentioned friend was shocked when he took a sip of it proclaiming it tasted like juice and that it is surely impossible for something to give you energy if it doesn’t taste like a kick in the face. Or something to that effect.
The Green can is “Juiced Energy” and is a tropical fruit take on Relentless and the Red can (also called “Juiced Energy”) is another fruity version but with berries instead. These two are by far the tastiest, with the red can tasting like sweet, sweet nectar. Sweet being the main word there. All of the flavours are very sweet so if you don’t have a sweet tooth, firstly, shame on you. Secondly, these might not be for you. Thirdly, if they aren’t for you, I will have your share. Thanks.
In your eyes
The cans are a sight to behold. Regardless of the flavour you are drinking there is beautiful detailed artwork on the cans, generally coupled with poetry or inspiring quotes. The logo alone is a gorgeous piece of font. The little artist inside me wants to make love to the cans. I wouldn’t recommend you try that though, I’d imagine that could end quite drastically.
Due to the fact they are 500ml cans, they tend to look like lager / beer/ cider cans. Brilliant. Not only do I get to look at the pretty tins, I get to look at my managers faces as they walk past. Most of them will be wearing the “I’m pretty sure that guy is sitting drinking lager at his desk, maybe I should say something” look on their faces.
In your blood stream
So, I’ve mentioned that this stuff is strong enough to make even Anne Widdecombe seem lively and now I shall tell you why. Those who are faint of heart may wish to ignore everything I’m about to tell you. Since it is twice the size of a Red Bull, it also has twice the caffeine content. Each can of Relentless contains no less than 160mg. In perspective, that’s slightly MORE than an espresso from Starbucks. To add to that, one can contains 52 grams of sugar. That’s 58% of your recommended daily allowance. Two cans of the stuff and you overdose by a whole 16%! Don’t you just love maths!
The high sugar content mixed with the high caffeine content is what gives you the kick in the face. In reality it is not any stronger than a Red Bull, it just gives you a lot more for your money since it is the same price (just over a quid) but gives you double the amount.
In your ears
After my first can having woken me up and filling me with the will to live and the energy to do so, I fell in love with this stuff. I began taking it to anything that would be taxing. The night of my first burlesque performance I was fuelled mainly by pasta and Relentless (though not as much as I’d like since the girls kept stealing cans from me once they found out I had a stash).
Any time I have been up to stupid o’clock the night before I jaunt off for a can or two at lunch time. My friend even brought me a can when I got back from America so I could drive home and not crash and die which I thought was rather kind of her. All this time with relentless and I have found one thing that amuses the bejesus out of me. When you are almost finished, blowing into the opening makes a sound that is not entirely dissimilar to an owl. I know, I am an idiot but I care not. All my friends now know and love the Relentless Owl and usually use it as a good sign that they should take my supply away. Never take my supply away. It will not end well for you. It probably won’t end well for me either. I will cry.
As with anything with a high caffeine content, you are best to drink this stuff all the bloody time. At least, if you go against anything a trained doctor will tell you. What do they know? Caffeine is said to cause head aches, irritability (specially if you take your source of joy away) and can completely screw with any medication you take (when they tell you not to drink booze when you’re on antibiotics, they are also meant to tell you not to drink tea, coffee or anything caffeinated since it has the same effect of making your body process the drug too quickly and contributing to the severe drop in useful antibiotics that we are facing in the next 30 odd years).
Pregnant women might want to steer clear of this since it raises your blood pressure and heart rate and I would have thought your body is under enough pressure right now!
It also gives you a hell of a crash. Sugar crash + caffeine withdrawal = GURRRRRRRRPHHHH. Ok so most people won’t crash their face off if you drink one or two cans sparingly. If, like me, you have, say, five cans in one go, you MIGHT experience something similar to a hangover. That general feeling of malaise mixed with a grump that would put a waking bear to shame. Don’t worry though. You probably aren’t as stupid as I am. Hell mend you if you are.
Another fun downside of this stuff is that it makes you pee like a horse (by which I mean, on all fours and all over the street, splashing innocent bystanders). Some may argue that this is not a down side mind you, so if you or your other half has a penchant for being pee’d on, you could always keep this to hand for a quick aid in your watersports fun. No, I can’t believe I just said that either.
What he said
So, in conclusion, this stuff is brilliant for a quick pick-me-up. It is cheap at just over a quid a can (sometimes less if you get them on offer) and gives you a good range of flavours to choose from. Drink the stuff in moderation or you’ll also suffer quick smack-me-down where you will crash and burn. Once you are finished with your cans, display them on the mantle piece and blow into them occasionally before running round shouting about how the Relentless Owl is coming for you. Everything will be ok. Now shut up and drink.