I wrote these rhymes along time ago, and I would like to share them with you all. Some have explicit words and phases; don’t feel offended, they’re only rhymes after all. Hope you like them…?
Barman of the Street
My girlfriend and I walked into this pub,
This certain barman in there was a bit of a sod.
I can’t stand him; he comes on to my girlfriend every night,
If he isn’t careful, I’ll lay him out in a bar room fight.
Firstly, I went up to the bar and said “one white wine & a larger please,”
He said, “Is that your beautiful bird over there I can see,”
I said, “Keep your eyes off and carry on serving me.”
I went up to the bar for a second time to get the drinks in,
I told him, “Stop looking at my girlfriend’s legs, my patience is wearing thin.”
I went back over and told my girl, I’m just nipping to the toilet,
Watch that barman, when I’m gone he’ll come over I bet.
She replies, “He’s alright you make him feel rather guilty,”
I relied, “He comes onto all the time that man is filthy.”
The barman says, “Come over here babe, I wanna talk to you,”
She relies, “Be careful of my boyfriend, he’s just gone to the loo.”My girlfriend approach’s the bar –
The barman says, “There almost falling out I’d rather you stand here topless,”
She replies, “If my boyfriend here’s you say that, he won’t take no bullocks.”
“If he sees you and me together, I might get dumped,”
He replies, “Ignore your miserable boyfriend, he only gets the hump,”
She replies, “You may also get a thump.”
When I came back from the toilet, he was standing there with my girlfriend,
I caught him looking up her skirt, as he made her bend over to pick up his pen.
I came over ranting and raving –
“Cut that out you filthy git,”
“Stop looking up my girlfriends skirt, you filthy piece of S***.”
I said to my girlfriend, “Smack that dirty pervert in the mouth,”
She didn’t want any trouble, so I said I’d sort him out.
My girlfriend replies, Leave it! “We don’t want to get into a fight,”
I told the barman, “If you don’t leave her alone you won’t live to see the next night.”
The barman responds, “I wish she was in my bed,”
I respond, “Shut your mouth or I’ll break your bloody neck,”
The barman says to my girlfriend, “Come here babe, let me grab you ass,”
I respond, “Don’t touch her or I’ll bust you open with this glass,”
My girlfriend says, “Come on I think we should go now,”
The barman responds, “Can I have a peek down your blouse,”
I replied, “Pack it in or I swear I’ll smack you in the mouth.”
She says, “Leave me alone and stopping winding my boyfriend up,”
“Or I’ll have to take action myself and give you a right knee to the nuts.”
“Me and you in bed together, you must be joking,”
“All you ever like to do is keep touching me up and perving.”
The barman says,” Come here darling, your boyfriend doesn’t deserve you at all,”
I turned round and thump him in the jaw; everyone got up clapped and cheered, and gave me around of applause.
My girlfriend and I left the pub, she was very upset,
“Come on sweetheart, I punched him because I wouldn’t let him treat you like that.
”
Nobody came to his pub anyone he got what was coming,
He pissed off so many people he got a lot of thumpings.
He was rude to every girl in town he’s one person you don’t want to meet,
You always get one dirty sod, but this was the crude barman of the street.
This is the Time
This is the time for many things one is making room for sex,
Who knows what’s around the corner,
Who knows what will happen next.
Get up and make a statement all you men and women,
Without sex in our lives there’s no way your winning.
You can feel one another with the gentle of touches without them disappearing,
Play nice with your partner or you’ll never be able to see them.
Don’t just let your partner go, don’t let them run away,
Without a partner in your life, you might actually seem gay.
Don’t just sit there and watch your partner walk out that door,
Pull them back, tear each others close off and get them on the floor.
Just think of each other as your juicy bit of crumpet,
Without each other in your lives,
You have no one to f*** with.Make sure you put a firm foot down, make sure you make your mark,
It doesn’t matter how you shag your partner,
Even, if it’s in broad daylight or even in the dark.
Get your partner on the bed and unzip one another’s trousers,
Don’t stop shagging your partner,
Until you’ve f***** for a few hours.
After you finished your session you feel shagged out,
You finish this steamy session with a kiss to the mouth.
Sex is like riding a bike,
You can accelerate left and right,
The best thing you can do is keep your partner going all-night.
If you want instructions on how to keep your partner going, just look at mine,
Don’t p*** bull about because, this is your time.
Las Vegas Dream
One night I standing in Las Vegas city,
Surround by hot chicks wiggling their asses and showing off their t*****.
I came to the casinos to pile money in my pockets,
I came to the clubs to pull a hooker and shove my spark plug in their socket.
Some people couldn’t pull so they came out the night clubs in shame,
I was happy I had a chance, a chance to get my flame.
I’m not surprised, there looking so not cool in the wrong type of places,
Girls won’t go out with them; they’ll just laugh in their faces.
Back in the casino seeing them standing near roulette wheels, fruit & slot machines,
You know how the saying goes; treat em mean keep em keen,
One touch of these girls fruits and that’s the Las Vegas Dream.
So, am I going to pull tonight, am I going to win,
I’m a bit confused, is it the wheel or her t*** we have to spin.
This girl asked me out on a date I certainly cannot refuse,
Heading back to my apartment we have nothing to lose.
I guaranteed I’d find someone I have hit the jack pot tonight,
Me and her under the duvet, for the under cover private fight.
Me and her going at it ripping each others close off,
After we finished our session we thanked each other a lot.
She enjoyed it has much as I did it certainly seems,
I and her rolling around under the bed covers it felt so good to me,
Shagging her and that’s the Las Vegas Dream.
I was planning on taking the girl somewhere else tonight,
Somewhere like the strip club where she can do an act in the lime light.
I was almost broke and out of pocket,
She pulled me down this alley and said “put that thing back in my socket.”
I said, “Come here sweet heart I would love another shag,
She said I can’t do this anymore I’m turning into a slag.
She says, “I’ve got a boyfriend”, so I said, “fuck him,”
“If he touches you I’ll break he's knee caps and i'll break he's shins.”
“You don’t want to go yet I know you don’t want that,”
She replies, “Ok then” so we went back to my flat.
We did what we had to before she found out I had a wife,
She was angry and said, I should have my d*** cut off with a knife.
She walked out on me and said that I was insane,
I decided to go back to the casino so I could do the same thing again.
This time I met a blonde, I was keen she was keen,
She had no idea where I’d been,
If you’re unsuccessful the first time, try again, if you know what I mean,
One taste of these women and that’s the Las Vegas Dream.
The Copper who’s a Bugger
I parked my car on a no parking spot,
This copper asked me to move it
I just said “What.”
He told me again, “Can you move your car,”
I replied, “Give me a minute I need pick someone up from this bar.”
When I came out he had put a piece of paper on it,
The only response I had and that was “S***”
I went back after him he was holding a booklet that looked like a list,
I said, “Come on mate are you taking the p***”
I got on his nerves so such he put me inside,
He said, “You continue cheeking me I’ll give you a heavier fine.”
I was in the cell with an a**hole for the night,
We p***** one another off so much we ended up having a fight.
By the time they let me out I was bruised, battered and cut,
I did they same thing again and told the copper to shut up.
When he let me out I did the same thing the very next day,
I made sure I got right up his nose in every single way.
I took the p*** out of him so such he was having none of that,
He chased me and hand cuffed me before knocking me on my back.
I was let out once again my first words were “I’m out at last,”
When I lipped him again I got away so fast,
That poor excuse of a copper didn’t have any class,
I turned round and told him to stick two fingers up his a**.
Don't Be Offended, They're Only Rhymes... 
