Selfridges (Department Stores)

...February 2001

Selfridges has been one of the greatest shopping institutions in the UK over the past century. Its reputation transcends these shores.

When I used to work in Oxford Street in the mid 1980s I occasionally popped in during lunch hours.

I have bought a few items from the store over the years eg a cut glass fruit bowl costing £40, a spectacle lens cleaner, a few kitchen utensils, a self-help ...
...discount vouchers.

Selfridges has its own store card. The APR is not very competitive. It's best to stay clear of it unless you are a regular shopper.

The store has a delivery service but often goods are not delivered at the correct time or on the designated day.

The majority of people who shop here are tourists. This part of Oxford Street is very crowded. I have heard that a pedestrian fast lane may be ... more

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN February 2001

Selfridges has been one of the greatest shopping institutions in the UK over the past century. Its reputation transcends these shores.

When I used to work in Oxford Street in the mid 1980s I occasionally popped in during lunch hours.

I have bought a few items from the store over the years eg a cut glass fruit bowl costing £40, a spectacle lens cleaner, a few kitchen utensils, a self-help book and a tie.

It is an upmarket store specialising in quality items. Most of the goods can be purchased elsewhere at a slightly cheaper price. Occasionally bargains can be found.

There are about 6 floors connected by escalators. Each floor is very spacious and it takes a lot of time to cover everything on a floor.

The lower ground floor comprises of kitchen utensils and white goods such as fridges and washing machines. There is a fantastic range of kitchen stuff available eg from cheap knife sharpeners to solid silver cutlery sets.

I like the CDs and magazines section on the ground floor. Several foreign magazines are sold here presumably for the benefits of tourists. There is a Keith Prowse section, which sells tickets for theatre shows, concerts and other events in London. Note that you pay extra for these tickets than elsewhere as extra commission is added. The delicatessen is worth visiting if only to peruse over the various food products from all over the world.

The clothing section for men has products from famous fashion designers such as Giorgio Armani and Gianni Rivera. Most of the stuff is way above my budget. I did snap up a fancy tie for £8 during a half price sale. The woman's clothing section sold every type of bra imaginable. All sizes are catered for. I never knew that lingerie was that expensive.

The book section is fully comprehensive and covers just about every subject. I have spent a few lunchtimes simply reading some of the excellent books on offer.

The cosmetics department has to be seen to be believed. Every make of cosmetic product is represented eg from Max Factor to L'Oreal to Christian Dior. The store has its own Miss Selfridge range. There are several tester bottles available. Occasionally smartly clad sales staff will accost you, give you a sample of the product and hand you discount vouchers.

Selfridges has its own store card. The APR is not very competitive. It's best to stay clear of it unless you are a regular shopper.

The store has a delivery service but often goods are not delivered at the correct time or on the designated day.

The majority of people who shop here are tourists. This part of Oxford Street is very crowded. I have heard that a pedestrian fast lane may be constructed here to reduce the congestion.

Selfridges was featured in a docusoap on BBC1 a couple of years ago. I do not think that the programme enhanced the reputation of the store. The managers gave the impression of being profit oriented rather than customer focused. The stars of the show were the store detectives who apprehended many shoplifters.

During the latter part of 1996 I was desperate for a part-time job. Then I saw an advert in the Evening Standard saying that the Selfridges Personnel Department was holding a walk-in recruitment day. I went along to the store to pick up and fill in an application form. Unfortunately about 100 job applicants got there before me. They had got to the tables first and even the floor space between the tables was filled with job applicants.

I managed to grab some space outside the recruitment room and used the wall to write the application form on. This form had the most stupid questions ever eg where did you go on your last holiday and what did you enjoy most, if you won a million pounds how would you spend it etc. The look on some of the faces of the other job applicants was a picture. You felt as if you had wasted 2 hours of your life. I did not even get an interview.

The son of an acquaintance of mine works in Selfridges as a sales assistant in the cigar department. Apparently he had to fill in the same application form as me. The most frequent customers to his department are the actors of the soap opera Eastenders.

All in all I would go to the store to purchase a wedding or an anniversary gift but would not shop there regularly. But it is an excellent store for window-shopping.

UPDATED October 2005

I have not visited Selfridges for ages. I always feel uncomfortable in Oxford Street due to the large number of shoppers. Having worked in Oxford Street in the past I try to go there as little as possible.

One unusual aspect of Oxford Street is the weather. One part of the street is filled with rain while the other part is bathed in sunshine. Selfridges is worth visiting for anyone wishing to see how an American store looks inside.

RETAIL TIPS

I do enjoy my trips to Harrods. But there is always room for improvements.

VANILLA

I read a recent article in the Times where vanilla had a significant effect in restaurants. The smell improved the ambience of the diners' visit and they stayed longer and spent more money. I wonder what would happen to Mo's Diner on the 4th floor of Harrods. Fernando would definitely smell better!

A few years ago I was reading about a company which manufactured smells for other companies. These included freshly baked bread and even a smell for a Viking museum. Certain supermarkets used the smell of freshly baked bread to lure shoppers into their stores.

POSTCARDS

The Harrods food halls are world-renowned. In a corner I saw some sepia postcards of how the food halls looked in days gone by. It would make sense if these postcards were displayed in more places e.g just outside the food halls, other floors in the store etc. These postcards make an ideal souvenir for those tourists who do not want to spend too much in the store.

HARRODS ARCADE

The part of Harrods with most visitors is the Arcade on the ground floor. This is usually jam-packed with tourists. It is no coincidence that the items on display are the cheapest in the store. All the tourists want a reminder of their visit to the store and the Arcade is the ideal place to buy something affordable.

It would be interesting if other Arcade-type mini-stores were introduced elsewhere within the store.

FOODS OF THE WORLD

There is an area on the lower ground floor of Harrods where foods of various countries are on display. The idea was right but the area always resembles a ghost town. I investigated further. Apparently the mark-up on the basic food items was huge.

Why should customers pay over the odds for items they can pick up far cheaper at their local supermarket? Either the prices are reduced or something else should be sold instead. It is a weird feeling to be the only person in that area of the store. If there are no customers then there will be no sales.

NO BRAINER

Recent scientific research has shown that there is a part of the brain which actually decides whether or not to buy a product. It will be interesting to see how stores will exploit this fact. I find it fascinating how science is applied to retail.

UPDATED December 2005

A few months back I was making one of my monthly visits to Harrods. I was traversing past the cosmetics department and making my way to the food halls. At a cosmetic counter a salesgirl with a large derriere turned around, saw me and immediately looked at her nails which had red nail polish. Pay rise. I guess that's what's meant by real temptation.

I am now off to learn about Finnish women from Michael M!

UPDATED February 2006

UNBELIEVE THE BELIEVABLE

I am so religious that I am thinking of giving up celibacy for Lent!

Mo's Diner on the 4th floor of Harrods is a good eaterie. If you are feeling down, just ask for a Fernando special. It could be your lucky day.

A few months back I was having lunch at the excellent Terrace Bar restaurant on the 4th floor. Who was to walk past me but the owner of Harrods himself. I could see why the sphinx is mythical! He wore different clothes to when he appeared on TFI Friday about 10 years ago. I became tongue-tied and did not know what to say to him? The only thing I could think of was to give the waitresses in the Terrace Bar restaurant a decent pay rise.

The owner of Harrods is also the chairman of Fulham FC. I just want to share a cock and bull story with you. I was in Fulham browsing around a low-cost clothing store looking at men's briefs. Thank God for nanotechnology. La Perla ought to allegedly sell lingerie for men.

Anyway at that moment Prince William and a chum walked into the store and were admiring the thongs. William and I shared a joke about a funny pair of Y-fronts. It was a great meeting of minds. The most famous Willie in the world versus the smallest willy in the universe. He was just like us plebs. The Royals are a little like Tom PB, Willie's dick and his brother Harry. I can imagine a ton of willy-warmers in the middle of Katie M allegedly! The Prince and his friend soon departed the store.

Peacocks must now be dripping of the Royal We!

I fancied a little slap and tickle and ended up at 11 Downing Street as you do. The first lady was doing the hoovering. She knows a lot about vacuum cleaners. I could not see if the switch was set to suck or blow? Unfortunately Kathryn was out. My hopes of a fantasy mother-daughter threesome were dashed.

In the 1960s, 1970s and 1980s I used to watch 'Till Death Us Do Part' and its sequel 'In Sickness and in Health.' Both starred Warren Mitchell as Alf Garnett. Alf was a West Ham fan with outspoken views. He really influenced me.

Alf's son-in-law was a Scouse git played by Tony Booth. His daughter is now the first lady. Her sister Lauren is quite tasty as well.

About a year ago I was heading towards Barons Court library when a young lady intercepted me and arrived before me. As she was returning some books at the desk, she looked longingly at me. The fact that she was 8 feet tall had nothing to do with it! She spent 30 minutes surfing the internet before heading in my direction. She then tapped a chair near me and headed off into the moonlight. She looked like Ayse from the sweet counter on the ground floor of Harrods. Turkish delight.

Remember that a multi-orgasm, unlike a turkey, is not just for Christmas. That's real temptation!

UPDATED August 2006

Last Sunday I really enjoyed the new Xmas decorations on sale on the 2nd floor of Harrods. Xmas seems to come quicker every year.

I liked the figurine of Mother Christmas on sale. Does Santa hears his mother's voice like me? Is he psychotic?

You have to admire the chap. To go down every chimney on Xmas night and stuff his face with mince pies and mulled wine takes some doing. No wonder it takes him a whole year to recover. If only he had some Imodium Instants on hand. They fit very snugly in my handbag and work very well. And one does not even need a glass of water on hand. They just melt in one's mouth. A bit like farley's rusks. Reduced sugar or original.

(joke stolen from Dave Allen ca 1970s).

These rusks made me the person I am today. Hull City actually bought a winger from Wolves named John Farley. His wife hailed from Middlesborough. Whatever happened to ex-City full back Roger de Vries. I was maid in Hull!

I am concerned about global warming. I would love to patent something which would give pleasure to millions without allegedly harming the environment. What would be the first item which would come into my head? Any guesses?

A solar-powered vib*ator!

CORRECTION

In my Arsenal op I dissed one member of staff. I just wish to profusely apologise for my rant. I was a naughty boy!

I just hope I don't become angry enough to diss an alleged relative of a Chelsea defender who recently showed up my non-existent computer skills. What's sugar for the gander is sauce for the Portugeese!

I just want to give my version of events as to how I read the situation at the time. I had just chosen an item in Harrods and went to pay for it at a till on the 4th floor.

There were 2 staff members at the till. One was a pretty Anglo-Indian babe with a pretty sexy voice and the other a pale and anaemic lady who originated from India.

There was a delay in processing my purchase. I was intrigued by their conversation. The Anglo-Indian went on about her big breakfast which seemed a little exaggerated at the time. The Indian-Indian alleged at the time that she was a vegetarian.

After what seemed an eternity my debit card was processed. But I underwent a lot of stress and anxiety over the incident. Why?

Looking back, that incident was a comic routine from start to finish. I should have laughed loudly but later took it so seriously Why?

In my OK! magazine op I rambled about how my uncle and aunty refused to give me a room to stay when I moved to London. They wanted lodgers who would pay their way. Due to family politics my father would have insisted that I stay for free.

A few days later I stayed at a couple of awful bed-sits in Wood Street, Walthamstow. I had to find semi-decent accommodation quickly and cost was not an issue then. Luckily my aunty found me a place in Woodford Green from a newspaper advert.

But it turned out that I had moved in with the landlady from hell. She charged GBP 60 per week. There was a lock on the telephone. She allegedly said that I could use the washing machine when she put a load in. But she never told me once when she was going to use it. So I had to use the local launderette.

I spent all my time in my bedroom. Due to pressures of work and chronic depression I never went outside. My only socialising was occasionally going to restaurants with my uncle and aunty. Often I had to pay the bill. This is what Bengali doctors and Filipina nurses are allegedly all about. General Nursing Council.

My landlady had a best friend who I fancied. But I simply could not handle the conversations between them. They were too experienced and streetwise for me.

So seeing the 2 salesgirls on the 4th floor brought back painful memories of the past. Subconsciously i was thinking of the past but consciously my anger was generated at the present.

Anyway I hope that my apology has been accepted. As a reward the staff member should be given a day off work every month. Whether it is the 8th or 15th day of her period is entirely up to her!

Looking back, perhaps I should have been more assertive at the time. But my mind was influenced by a Batman episode I saw in the 1960s.

The situation was that Robin was surrounded a gang of beautiful women. He knew that they were villains and they teased him to do something about it. But he had strong principles and said that he would never hit a woman unprovoked. That really influenced me at the time.

Looking back, my anger should have been directed at the Indian-Indian instead of her colleague. But I felt sorry for her being a vegetarian. It must be hard eating vegetables all day long! (Joke stolen from Eric Morecambe ca 1970s).

But the Vegetarian Society is doing a good job. During the Jacob-K CJD crisis my wife warned me against eating beef. I told her that I was already mad. There is a dating agency exclusive for vegetarians. Which chick will cook me a nutter cutlet!

When I was advertising for a wife in the UK, I was turned down every single time. Some of the reasons given that I was not a vegetarian. But one look inside my Y-fronts would convince any prospective bride that I had no meat on me.

The fact that I was out-gossiped by the Anglo-Indian irked me. The fact that she ate mushrooms for breakfast shocked me. I thought that all Indians had chappattis for brekkie. She broke my idea of the stereotype. Even now I can feel a shiver of fear up my spine when I enter that area of the 4th floor.

I hate queuing up for stamps at the local post office. To ease my boredom I conjure visual halluciantions of Katie M. Great gloves and cool mobile ring tone. I daydream that I am licking her head. A good thing sweeter than her prospective grandmother-in-law. That's the downside of self-adhesive stamps.

Selfridges is worse than Harrods and John Lewis but better than M&S. Miss Selfridge does nothing for my frigidity.

Nowadays I treat the likes of Harrods, Waitrose, Boots, WH Smith, Tesco, Argos, KFC etc as psychiatric hospitals rather than shopping outlets. Harrods is more a psychiatric hospital than a shop. No wonder I always come out of there after a good retail therapy session with a hard rod.

I needed and got a good psychiatric team behind me. There's my CPN 'Farting Martin' who allegedly always smells of Lenor.

Then there's my psychiatrist who's gone loopy after treating me. He always allegedly chooses the number one at bingo. He allegedly prefers to be called 'Ned' in bed. When I last saw him at the gender reassessment clinic, he had allegedly changed his sexual preference and was in drag.

There's a song in there somewhere. All together now: "Let's all w*nk to Totally Frank."

Was La She created by the Big Bang in a black hole?

Byeeeeeeeeee.
 

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