Sky Plus 111 Remote Control

I have owned my ageing and decrepit Philips TV set for many years and it has served me well. When I signed up to Sky Plus I became the proud owner of a Sky Plus 111 Remote Control Pad. With this pad I have the ability to peruse at leisure the vast array of Sky, analogue and digital channels from the comfort of my dilapidated armchair.

I am both impressed and suitablly delighted with the high quality and durability of my Sky Plus 111 remote control as it allows me to flick with ease and accuracy between the many TV channels on offer.

I am particularly fond of the sleek design, with grey front panel and black reverse. The design is both well laid out and simple to navigate. It is lightweight yet sturdy and strong enough to withstand both violent and aggressive movements during daily tumultuous launches from my hormonal cleaning lady, Celeste.

Unfortunately, Celeste must endure the pains of an unreciprocated love as I endeavour to daily reject her sexual advances until I reach the age of 25 years of age. At this point I will undertake my family's traditional rite of passage, whereupon at midnight I will perform a naked cow jump across the backs of four castrated cattle. Once undertaken, Celeste will be mine, but until that time, she is unfortunately discovering that she lacks patience as she eagerly awaits the mutual sexual affection that soon will be ours. During the interim period my prized and coveted Sky Plus 111 Remote Control, must suffer the indignity of being violently launched at my TV screen with some regularity.

During quieter moments, Celeste and I enjoy mutual fondling of my remote control and I am happy to allow her to share in its use. We take turns in admiring such a fine specimen and gaily flick between channels, navigating the on / off button / the mute control and our favourite - the Information button, which informs us of the delights of forthcoming programmes on analogue, digital and Sky.

Readers may observe Celeste and myself as I return home from my daily toil at the cider factory. Observe my TV which unfortunately has taken the brunt of Celeste's hormonal outburst, yet my sturdy remote control remains intact.